Resolute

Although not quite sure as to the precise catalyst, Gobby felt her new year resolution should be to get up and make a productive start to the day and not sit drinking tea in bed.

Fulfilment

On surviving the pre-one-day-closed-at-the-most grocery shopping frenzy, Gobby was delighted to have secured all that Billy Idle had requested or would need for a fulfilling Christmas.

Shipment

Gobby was delighted that, after much effort and some detriment to the other contents of his butty box, she had managed to ship off to work yet another piece of gift tat purchased for Billy thus removing it from the still extensive collection unfortunately still housed at home.

She also doubted any truth in the claim that her warning against purchasing such items for his recent birthday had truly reached Geo Jen and the Space Cadet too late to prevent them purchasing the following objet d'art:

In conclusion, she wondered if anyone else noticed a disturbing trend in Billy receiving gifts pertaining to his own excrement, or maybe these were simply this year's 'on trend' gifts in the Shire.

Ho Ho No

Although Gobby couldn't quite put her finger on it, there were just some subtle indications as to why, on so many levels, it might be advisable to spend Christmas week working from home rather than in the office.

Glad Tidings We (decided not to) Bring

The Regulars set out to spread some festive carol singing cheer.

But changed their minds on arriving at Hamish's abode and decided to go down the Local instead.

Mystery Shopper

Jordan and Gobby thought it would be an excellent idea to try out Barton's latest refurbished establishment on a quiet Friday afternoon.

http://www.thegeorgebarton.co.uk/


Or it would have been had Tweetie, the resident town liar whose company they had been expressly been avoiding lest they should have to endure this on an all-day beer trip that weekend, not been holding court at the bar subjecting all around to his extremely important business call to an imaginary recipient.

Luckily, Gobby felt she had, fortuitously, a perfect disguise to hand.

Hamming it up.

As an aid to guide Billy, should she ever dare to engage him in a similar pursuit again, Gobby devised a new and fun game to help him with family budgeting and to prevent him from being further raped by the supermarket giants.

To avoid any hideous confusion as on the last (probably last ever in his life) grocery shopping excursion in which she employed Billy, Gobby decided to keep the name, object and rules of the game as simple as possible (plus using the chickens as both an additional guide to size and price) entitling this:



HOW MUCH IS THE HAM???!!

And, should he still need a clue, he could always press the handy HINT button which would further assist him in avoiding any previously experienced purchasing errors by helpfully adding:




DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS GOING TO BE 4 ****ING POUNDS!!!

40 Not Out (or dead, remarkably).

It would appear that Billy's 1970s themed birthday party had been a success.

And that some guests had made stopped at nothing when it came to authenticity:

So another night of fun and frolics and the world's most expensive ham joint for the Regulars although they never did quite get to the bottom of who had arrived bearing gifts, drink and 6 cans of dog food.

Chill

As the bitter chill advanced in the Shire, Gobby and the other allegedly female of the Regulars were underwhelmed with the heating provision in the ladies toilets down the Local.

As Gobby eloquently explained,

"When the warmest thing in there is your own piss there is a definite cause for concern."

Mo No

It's so wrong.

That said, having given him substantial help above and beyond the call of duty in creating his Mo Space Gobby felt she may stand to benefit in some way despite being unlikely to suffer from men's cancer in the future:

Donate to me

Billy's Motivation

a rarely witnessed thing. 

 

Billy Idle

Thank you, Gobby darling, for your donation for which I cannot wait to repay you, umpteen times over, in whichever way you dictate.

2 December 2011

Billy Idle

My girlfriend, Gobby, is the absolute light of my life and I have no idea what I would do without this wonderful woman, constantly at my (constant) beck and call and who created this space for me on my behalf upon my instruction.

22 November 2011

But, and this time actually in his own words, Billy is sincerely grateful to everyone that sponsored him.

http://www.movember.com/m/2779240

Pom Pom

Despite their best efforts to reign in a collective sense of disappointment, the Regulars had to conclude that when Gobby has coquettishly told them she would, later in the evening, show them what she could do with her pompoms, they were expecting a slightly more impressive display.

Hellfire

The Regulars celebrated a marvellous Bonfire night in the local park.  This was doubly enhanced as they were able to watch the firework display both in the sky and beautifully reflected by Tattoo's head.

To which he retorted, had he known, he would have charged them double.

They were slightly less impressed by Gobby's bonfire food selection and her version of apple bobbing being trying to rescue the cremated remains of what was once a potato from the pit of Hades.

Although this scorching was nothing that couldn't be turned around by the introduction of middle-aged fun with sparklers and a splendid night had by all.

Filtered

All Gobby could say in mitigation was that, at the very least, and clutching at straws, this episode of Barton Lives could go some way to make up for those destined to remain, forever, in the washing machine filter.

Technoroll

Following a recent theme the Regulars were stunned by Hamish's picture.

Not as you understand that he may have, in point of fact, found someone lazier than Billy Idle.

But because the legendary technomuppet had managed to take, upload and successfully email a photo.

Trick or Treat - should have gone for Treat

As Halloween got into full swing Gobby realised, too late, that she had been misguided to allow Jordan and Tattoo to invite themselves round for the evening.

Ice Toad Ruckers

Setting out for a beer-filled excursion on a double-decker down the inaccessible back roads of the Shire, Gobby commented that in winter the route must be indubitably as treacherous as that undertaken by her heroes, the Ice Road Truckers.

Jordan confidently butted in with,

"Surely you mean: ITR!"

To which the best Gobby could counter with was,

"Well, almost..."

As suspected - not a truck in sight.

When the Chips are Down

It would be too demanding an undertaking to document the corresponding incident; however it can be assumed that Billy Idle had learnt a highly salutary life lesson from this in acknowledging,

“You can’t rinse chips.”

Take no Prisoners

Not content with stealing an honest local hard-working labourer's sand, it would seem that Spudgirl and Tubthumper were now intent on taking his business as well.

Flowing

As Gobby took her organic gardening passion to new extremes and Billy Idle was horrified to find out she had regularly been relieving herself in her watering can in the privacy of her shed and reviled by his consumption of 'pissy veg',  Ol' Blue Eyes declared they should be more concerned as to how she had,


"Managed to get it through all the holes."

Excess

Revelling in the array of guest ales on offer down the Local, Ol' Blue Eyes declared he had been on some particularly good 5.2% the other night.  As the rest of the Regulars enquired as to what this might have been they were not overly surprised to hear he,

"Simply couldn't recall."

In a similar vein, after being unable to join the Regulars one evening due to an impromptu and somewhat messy afternoon session, Gobby apologised for this absence trying to explain this away in that she had,


"Only had one piece of toast."

Ol' Blue Eyes did then see fit to point out,


"It might not have been that that did it but something to do with the 6 pints of bitter on top."

Blame Culture

Trying to blame Gobby for a confectionery theft she flatly denied Billy lamented the loss of his Wispa admitting,







"I was careless."

Form

After a particularly bad run of fortune on Billy Idle's rugby league betting stakes he had to enquire of Tattoo down the Local as to whether he wanted his winnings there and then or after the grand final.


Tattoo benevolently replied that it depended really on whether Billy needed to,


"Spread the cost."

Following this, as Billy went on to bore the Regulars about the origins of rugby and how Webb-Ellis had been the first to pick up the football and run it over the line at Rugby School Ol' Blue Eyes concluded he thought,


"When the other players had caught up with him they got the ball off him and shoved it up his arse to teach him a lesson and that's how it got its shape."

Enlightened

As more and more people 'up their end' saw the light (literally) and installed a roof full of solar panels, Gobby declared she was delighted to not be considered the nutter on the street anymore.



It was as much as the rest of the Regulars could do to smile sympathetically.

Friends are for Life, not just for Harvest Festivals

It almost brought a tear to the Regulars' eyes on realising how well Spudgirl's social skills had advanced thanks to life in the Shire:

Party On

Gobby felt she might have got carried away with invitations for Billy Idle's forthcoming 40th birthday karaoke party and, should all their 'out of Shire' guests actually attend, she would need to call on the goodwill (and spare rooms) of the rest of the Regulars and farm them out, declaring she had for instance now invited God's-Best-Friend-Mike and Never-buys-a-T-shirt-Mike.

Billy assured her it would all work out for the best as, at a karaoke party:



"You can never have too many mikes."

Social Skills

As Gobby commented that one of their former flock had dealt her the ultimate snub by deleting her from a well-known social networking site Billy Idle comfortingly reassured her that such matters were not important and did not reflect the true nature of friendship.

Only spoiling this by adding;



"Not like I'm on Facebook but if I was I'd delete you as well.

Grains of Truth

Gobby could not explain the rogue grains of rice appearing randomly from all nooks and crannies of the kitchen.

Her suspicions were heightened when, on preparing a curry, she found a trip to the emporia of Barton in order to replenish supplies commenting to Billy Idle that she was amazed they were out of rice so soon

She should have known he was always to be relied out for a viable explanation as he calmly replied that there was:




"Loads in the hoover."

Changes

All Gobby wanted to convey, to someone not a million miles away was,

"You know who you are."

Public Relations

As the Regulars mused philosophically over the delicate intricacies of some of the relationships they observed down the Local, especially those they failed to understand, Tattoo sagely pronounced:

"Ugly blokes like a shag too."

To which Billy Idle added, to a less than favourable reception,

"I'll have to take your word for that."

Sour Cow

As Gobby, observing  Hellrunner full of ale and particularly cantankerous down the Local one evening labelled her a 'sour cow', Spudgirl did feel the need to protest reminding her,

"No, that's me."