Anarchy for The Shire

It would seem that, in the harsh reality of 21st century Britain, that nowhere, not even the oblivious innocence of The Shire is safe from the signs of trouble in our time and the general dissatisfaction and unrest in today's society, even encroaching on the traditionally harmonious and peaceful gatherings of Billy Idle's karaoke parties.

Whilst the evening started harmlessly enough with an innocent brother sister performance that would make any parent proud:



Events soon began to take a more unpleasant turn with Spudgirl appalled to see that, in her absence, Hamish had chosen to 2 time her with a Swedish librarian:

This was soon followed up by a performance of an ilk previously unknown to the simple folk of The Shire:

Which would lead to a dangerous level of curiosity and impending doom:

And before they had time to realise the hideous truth that was unfurling before their eyes the heinous nature of the indoctrination by the master of his new apprentice took on a frightening form:

However, anarchy on such a scale, in a place wholly unused to this such as The Shire could only, inevitably, lead to one predictable self destructive end:

And only the unfaltering good nature of Rick Francis and the Manic Miner brought an end to the frightening proceedings and saved the day:

Martyred for her Cause

Gobby was exuberant with confidence at the following question at pub quiz down The Local:

"Name the group of six 19th Century farm labourers who were arrested for and convicted of swearing a secret oath and sentenced to transportation to Australia."

She was, notwithstanding, wholly unprepared for the scorn and ridicule heaped upon her by the rest of her fellow Regulars at her seemingly logical and obvious suggestion.

Cowed into silence in a corner it did however become apparent at answer time that perhaps the rest of the Regulars had been somewhat quick to dismiss her valid suggestion and as their following array of suggestions were dismissed one by one,

THE BOURNEMOUTH GANG

THE POOLE PRISONERS

THE WEYMOUTH FIVE

NATIONAL FARMERS UNION

THE DORSET 5

That perhaps her suggestion of "THE TOLPUDDLE MARTYRS" was, in fact, nowhere near as ridiculous as initially judged.

Alphabetically Challenged

After quaffing a splendid range of beers at Leeds beer festival culminating with an impressive offering from Ossett brewery Gobby felt her enjoyment could not be improved.

This was, however until a fellow enthusiast recommended an ale in which she would delight from the bar 'upstairs'.

Whilst consumed with excitement at the fact that more delectation was to be had 'upstairs' Gobby felt the need the protest at not having been made aware of this sooner.

To which her beer anorak friends felt duty bound to point out that, with her years of language training, she should perhaps have been aware that the alphabet is not generally known to stop with O for Ossett.

Or, failing that, she could have just looked up:

Hamish visits the Homeland

It would seem that even the land from whence he hails, where common courtesy is about as common as fair weather, health food and the milk of human kindness, was unprepared for Hamish's latest foray:

A Feat of Engineering

In sheer panic Billy desperately grappled with the quandary of readying himself for bed without disaster befalling his nightime cornetto until, by a stroke of genius and feat of engineering, the solution came to him in a genius flash of inspiration proving that necessity truly is the mother of invention.

Pastures New - Again

Just as the Regulars could not help but wonder as to what had caused the usually dour, miserable and miserly Hamish to have a spring in his step he announced that, once again, he had secured yet a further employ announcing:


"Got new job. Start when I like. William Hill now taking bets for how long I can stop there. 10 years is a google-1.Well worth 50p!


Whilst congratulations broke out amongst The Regulars, hedging his bets Tattoo did feel the need to ask:



"Applied for another yet, mate?"

Maintenance

As she stood with a pile of documents in desperate need or reproduction Gobby was unsure as to whether the 'Maintenance in Progress' on the works photocopier was a true representation of the matter in hand feeling the only true way to be sure was to consult an expert in the technological field therefore bringing photographic evidence for Hamish to cast his capable and sophisticated technological eye over.

True to form Hamish was soon able to confidently tell her that it was 'fooked'.

Potty

Towards the end of the working day Gobby pondered the text received from Spudgirl:

"Do you need any baking pots?"

Having witnessed the work in progress, and attractive skip in the front garden and the journey of trauma experienced by Spudgirl and Tubthumper through their kitchen renovation Gobby was pleased to be offered first refusal on Spudgirl's surplus kitchenware, keenly replying,

"I could have a look."

She was indeed a little unprepared by the somewhat terse nature of the reply from the customarily eternally cheerful most philanthropic all-welcoming ray of sunshine that the Regulars has come to know and love as Spudgirl:

"Well, it's up to you - just throw them away if not."

Tormented as to what she could have unwittingly done to evoke this wrath in one normally so meek and serene in demeanour Gobby frantically endeavoured to make amends adding,

"Or I could take them to the nearly new."

To which Spudgirl was lost for words and reduced to terms of derision amounting to,

"DOH!"

Followed up by,

"I WORK IN A F**CKING POTATO FACTORY."

At this point Gobby became concerned that the true realisation of her lot in life since leaving the bright lights and white stilettos for the exile of the Shire had only just broken through the layers of denial.

All eventually became clear.

Unused to shorthand and such technical language as used in a F**CKING POTATO FACTORY it would seem that Gobby had committed a fatal error of abbreviation interpretation and, in fact, Spudgirl was not offering her a collection of redundant kitchen vessels and receptacles but, in reality, a free bag of BAKING POTATOES for Billy's tea.

Billy's Buttocks Play up Again

After dedication to work far above his usual slothfulness never mind the call of duty, Billy decided to call his boss one morning to tell him that he was staying at home because he was, unfortunately, under the weather (not to mention the duvet).

Deeply concerned at this being so out of character his boss needed to know the matter at hand.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma,"
groaned Billy in a weak voice.

Slightly less sympathetically his boss retorted,

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

So Billy carefully explained,



"I just can't see my arse coming into work today."

Stuck

It would seem that, yet again, his unfortunate combination of Tourettes & a complete inability to operate even the simplest of technological equipment had gained Hamish yet another warning at work.


Although he vehemently maintained that all he had done was inadvertently drop his pen into the printer.