What a Card

The Regulars sympathised with Hamish as he berated the fact that his reluctantly spent hard-earned money on Valentines last month had come to no avail with the ladies.

That was until they saw his card of choice:

Time will Tell

After an evening spent particularly on the receiving end of the Regulars' less than complimentary comments regarding the ravages of age, Gobby took some comfort when it was declared she did, at least, look younger than Billy Idle.

Although Tattoo did feel the need to point out that this could be as,

"Old Father Time looks younger than him."

In despair Gobby enquired as to whether her hideousness was so all-consuming that one of the Regulars should perhaps have helped her accessorise by bringing her a bag to wear over her head to which Billy clarified,

"They've brought two: one for you to wear and one for me in case yours falls off!

Stinky

On being berated by the Landlady on his inopportune gas leak betraying his overindulgent celebration of the 'Pub of the Season' presentation and awarded the new nickname of 'Stinky', Spudgirl did remind Tubthumper of his many talents declaring,

"Had you been doing a degree in farting you would have got a distinction in that as well!"

Making Tracks

As Hamish lamented the installation of trackers on their work vans and the feeling that 'Big Brother is watching you' he was even more disgruntled when, out on the job, his phone rang and disrupted his train of thought.

So much so that when his boss enquired as to his current whereabouts he was possible a little hasty in his reply of,

"You f***ing tell me!!"

Do-si-do

On a busy night down the Local, as Mel Smith squeezed past Billy Idle with no minor degree of difficulty on either part on his way to the bar, their ensuing shimmy brought a whole new Barton Lives meaning to Sparks',

"This Town Aint Big Enough for the Both of Us".

"A smile confuses an approaching frown"

On a particularly jovial evening down the Local, the normally dour and sour Spudgirl announced that her 'face was hurting from smiling'.

Her ever encouraging husband, Tubthumper soon put paid to this rare expression of jollity, however, with a stern warning declaring:

"Are you sure you are not enjoying yourself too much?"

On a Roll

Determined to encourage Billy Idle to defy the blanket of scepticism down the Local and complete a DIY task before Ol' Blue Eyes began to analyse his form and run a book,

(See Barton Lives November 2008: Give up Eventually and Get Someone Else to Do It.)

Tattoo reminded Gobby she would need to be on hand with bacon butties to keep up Billy's strength, willingness and motivation.
To which Billy replied that,

"One roll per roll should suffice!"

Insider Dealing

As the synchronised plant-off drew ever closer Spudgirl threw down the gauntlet to the rest of the Regulars:

I have been consulting one of the potato drivers here who grows his own: marrows and butter nut squash and PUMPKINS!!! He has given me some excellent tips so I am getting all motivated!

To which shock tactics Tattoo was quick to counter:

My next book to be published:

'How to Grow GIANT PUMPKINS 2009'

I will personally sign one for Ol' Blue Eyes
Regards,
Tattoo Mpg. Bph

Paper Thin

As Billy Idle rolled over in bed then exclaimed with horror,

"What the f**k's happened to the wall?!"

Gobby realised that his recent pledge to undertake the wallpapering may not yet have been given the priority for which she was hoping.

Sparky

The Regulars looked on perplexed as Ol' Blue Eyes wandered round the Local with a cigarette in his mouth on the verge of sparking up, smoking ban notwithstanding.

To which he elucidated this was part of his therapy:

As long as he had one in his mouth and one in his hand he can handle it.

Pie Eyed

Billy was unable to hide how much he was looking forward to the week ahead.

Not, as the Regulars assumed, because he had successfully completed month end but, by the fact of it being:

National Pie Week!

Shirty

As Gobby complimented Mel smith on the sartorial elegance of his shirt she was somewhat underprepared for his response that he,

"Was hoping she might like to see it draped over her bed later"

Notwithstanding, from the expression that must have immediately clouded her face he judged that the correct answer was, in fact,

"Maybe not then."

A Timely Reminder

Billy Idle, true to his name as ever and in order to encourage Gobby's compliance in urging her to go to the bar instead of him so that he would not need to move a muscle (presuming there are any actually hiding in there) added,

"You get time of for good behaviour".

To which Ol' Blue Eyes snorted that would reduce her to a mere 50 years.