All at Sea

As the Regulars eagerly planned their forthcoming boating trip (and Spudgirl reflected on the true fullness of what she had taken on in suggesting said venture) the sleeping arrangements on board came under scrutiny.

It was at this juncture that she realised it may not only be the confined snoring she had to contend during this foray into communal living when Tattoo declared the only pair of pyjamas he possessed were 'hairy'.

Never mind if absence makes the heart grow stronger, just settle for it still beating.

As Gobby prepared to go on holiday and leave Billy Idle to fend for himself she could not hide her disquiet in doing so as, on previous occasions, it had ended in immeasurable disaster.

Jordan was forthcoming with some helpful advice:


"Next time you go away just put him in the recovery position before you leave."

Tat

As the football season rolled on Billy Idle declared he would inflict another tasteless indelible skin marking on himself should Tottenham win the league, to which Gobby vehemently retorted,

"You're not having another Tattoo".

To which Tattoo himself responded with,



"Exactly"

Networking

After asking one of the Regulars what he had been up to recently as she had not seen much of him he replied to Gobby he had been spending a lot of time on Facebook.

However, when she encouraged him to befriend her for further networking he informed her it was, a special site especially for beer drinkers:


"Off your Facebook!"

Baffled

As Marlene, the revered landlady down the local spotted Gobby in a corner one evening she could not help but declare,

"You must have been quiet tonight, I couldn't hear you were in!"

To which, Gobby ever complimentary conceded,

"You've got so many customers they must have been muffling me."

And, Billy Idle helpfully added,

"And those that aren't are queuing up to!"

A Lofty Matter

The Dark Lord lamented another dark episode in the highest echelons of Gothic Towers:


"Our TV picture had slowly become more intermittent until last Friday when it was off with just occasional bouts of a brief picture - and of course that was only when the adverts were on.

Late on Friday evening I squeezed through the loft access to inspect the co-ax which runs from the dish. It runs through the loft and finally appears downstairs at the TV where the sprites emerge out of the end.

All appeared OK as I crawled through the lattice of beams but after limboing into the far corner of the loft I spotted a clue:

A pile of walnut shells on top of the roof insulation between the joists. I shimmied into the eves, knocking down cascades of 120 year old soot to investigate further.

After a birth-like squeeze under the last beam to access the lowest point in the corner, I was in reach of the co-ax. As I brushed away the soot-laden cobwebs from decades of arachnoid activity I spotted the problem. Some of the small furry rodents which I have graciously provided with walnut treats in our garden appeared to have been using the loft as a dormitory.

They also appear to have been using the sky co-ax as dental floss after partying on their walnut stash."

And, thoughtfully, for the more literately challenged of the Regulars he kindly summed up the story pictorially:

P.S. They have to find their own walnuts now and should consider themselves lucky not to have been made into a Davy Crockett hat.

The Dark Lord

(The only Goth in the Village)