Hoodwinked

It was an awful moment of realization when the joiner told Gobby, when she got a new kitchen, they wouldn't need to replace the old cooker hood (yes, the one she had stopped cleaning months ago in anticipation) after all.

No Direction

Working with so many people so much younger Gobby felt smugly proud that she was really holding her own 'down with the kids'.

Then she went to the staff toilets.

Drive-by

Some days Gobby had to pinch herself as you never knew what unsuspected excitement might be driving down the end of your road in the Shire.

The Small things in Life

After throwing the washing downstairs with typical carefree housewife adandon and setting the machine going, Gobby realised one item had escaped the load having velcroed itself to Billy Idle's jacket on the way down.






















And not just any jacket but his work jacket at that.

Thus began the dilemma.  To gain the amusement of allowing Billy to walk into work accessorized with said undergarment to the ridicule of his work colleagues.

Offset by thus admitting to the world, as you can't turn back time, that her undergarments had reached such a hideous level of comfort over style, as only to be shamefully found in the small ads in People's Friend Magazine.






















A true matter of moral and ethical judgment indeed.

Fitting

As the Regulars eagerly looked forward to their next outing to see the Briggadears they struggled down the Local to come up with the logistically 'best-fit' solution concluding that, with concerted effort, Gobby would be able to fit between Billy and Hamish with, "Your arse here and your legs up."

At which point she did like to remind them,

"It's not a smear test - we're only going to Brigg!"

Cheerleaders

The Regulars had a splendid time cheering on England to watch them snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  























Even the camera shy ones.

Cu*t-through

As the regulars showed their support to 'Save Top Field' Hamish added he was particularly against the development as his street would become a 'cut-through'. 

http://www.scunthorpetelegraph.co.uk/barton-residents-sign-petition-opposing-major-development-in-the-town/story-29831521-detail/story.html

At least the regulars were almost sure that he said 'cut-through', for:

"C***s with noisy exhausts".

Yet again, only slight coaching needed for what to and not to put in writing to the council.

Domestic

What do you buy the human sloth who has everything?

In Billy Idle's case his very own ROBOT MAN-CAVE HOOVER!!

Although, whilst lazing in bed while 'Ronnie' got to work, as horizontal viewing was repeatedly  disrupted by THUMP - WHIR, THUMP - WHIR, THUMP - WHIR and Gobby concluding, "He's got stuck again." Billy Idle proclaimed'

"Brilliant - so we've got another pet!"

Trick or... Trick

All was not lost at a particularly low-scoring effort at pub quiz as Billy Idle did claim a magnificent seasonal spot prize.

Gleefully he announced how he would enjoy eating them through the window on Halloween whilst not giving anything to the local kids out trick or treating.

Somewhat as below:

Spudfest

Hard to believe another year had gone by as the Regulars eagerly lined up their entrants for Spudfest.

But, as directed they brought their produce to a 'secret' location:














Arranging them as directed by a particularly stern professional potato judge:














Although one or two entrants did slip through the net.  

And Billy Idle's knobs didn't bring him the success for which he was hoping. (Again).














It was also an opportunity to make new friends:

But friendship was soon tossed aside when, even harder to swallow than the array of potato-based snacks, was the news of who had won.  YET AGAIN!

If you need any more proof:

The Fountain of all Knowledge

Whilst failing to agree over taking in the true beauty and majesty of the Magic Fountains of Mont-Juic:

Or watching rugby league in Barcelona's filthiest Irish bar, Billy Idle attempted a compromise over the potential clash.












Suffice it to say,

"Why don't I lie in the bath, piss straight up in the air while you turn the lights on and off?" didn't quite hit Gobby's tourist highlight spot.



Although she did have to admit, it was a good game!

Fe-fi-fo-fum

Whilst usually a pleasurable night out, Billy Idle was terrified not only to see the mighty Wigan Warriors resort to the unfair advantage of fielding giants, but moreover as one first took a tentative exploratory lick then attempted to bite off his head.

Unperturbed Gobby completed her 'sun salutation' she deemed fully appropriate relaxation in the circumstances.

Bargain

As well-known by the Regulars and a much broader entourage, Gobby was never the best when it came to arithmetic.

However, on this occasion, she refused to believe it was her lack of ability at fault:

Saving your Bacon

All the Regulars were touched to see the efforts Billy idle had gone to in his charity work.

Chafing

Gobby was somewhat perturbed one morning on waking to find a giant cockchafer on her potatoes. 

Bladdered

On discovering the mecca that is Lidl was stocking one of her FAVOURITE beers EVER: Leeds Midnight Bell, http://www.leedsbrewery.co.uk/beers/midnight-bell-ale 

Gobby did have to admit that the unexpected pressure this excitement put on a middle-aged bladder did cause her to become briefly but disturbingly 'moist in the aisle'.

Viewpoint

A different view of The Local.

This must be the one you get from Liverpool.

Trailing Off

Having put it off for as long as justifiably possible, Gobby knew, at some juncture, she would have to bite the bullet and spend a night in Bernie Ecclestone's trailer.

At times like this she chose to look for solace and inspiration in the works of the great lyricist and philosopher that is Otis Lee Crenshaw:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Al-2Sjtx8o 

And before anyone dare think that is far too removed from life in the Shire - look no further!

Ding Dong

On arriving home, when Billy Idle chose, rather than to open the door with his key and enter their abode in an adult fashion, to ring the doorbell repeatedly in a frenzied manner until Gobby dropped what she was doing and rushed to admit him, she did remark,

"Why would I not get away with being that annoying?" 

And was not entirely placated wit the curt reply of:

"Because, with me, it's unusual."

Domination

Gobby, Billy Idle and Rupert exchanged evilly knowing glances as their plans for world domination came one step closer...

Hunter Gatherer

Gobby should not have exercised any concern over Billy Idle's abilities to survive when she returned home much later than expected one evening.

It was, in fact, good to see that the innate 'Hunter-Gatherer' instincts had kicked in.

Tea Party

Deep down the Regulars knew they would be safe going round to Hamish's for a cup of tea and they were welcome.

It just didn't always feel like that when he brewed up.

Travel in Style

Patiently waiting for that rarely seen phenomenon in the Shire, a bus, Gobby wasn't convinced, despite their claims to have entered the digital age that, should she text the code indicated, she would actually receive the desired information.

Smooth or Crunchy?

As Gobby studied the supermarket shelves intently preparing to purchase an unfamiliar item she realised, as said intended item was allegedly the optimum rat trap bait and to be purchased therefore, she really was overthinking when deciding on smooth or crunchy.

Smooth or Crunchy

Back to the Future

If you ignore being middle aged, 6' tall, overweight and balding then Michael J. Fox could be in the room.

Mo-tivation

Gobby was delighted to catch Billy Idle in the act of mo-ing for the first time this year:

Cosy

Having been obliged to knit a dozen novelty boiled egg cosies for Easter and now on somewhat of a roll, Gobby felt like upgrading to a tea cosy.

Merrily browsing online patterns, the cute little animal ones were particularly appealing.

Until she suddenly came across one that was either simply downright wrong, or had been devised by Hamish:

Let Battle Commence

A thread that may run and run:

Chickens vs. Onions

DAY ONE

£2.00 trellis from the Factory Shop - we'll see...

DAY TWO

So far so good...

DAY THREE

Not so successful -  Dolly gets in but can't get out.  Didn't see where she got in to make improvements.

As she can't get out - onion trampling panic.

UPDATE

Not a particularly good day:

Chickens 3 Onions 0

Stole (it's funny if you think about it long enough).

The moment Rupert realised he had been outscarved.

Life's a Gas

Planning some unseemly tasks involving gardening and chickens later that morning, Gobby felt no need for ablutions or to remove any traces of the previous day's gardening and beer combo and slipped down town for a few essential items to tackle the garden head-on.

Take heed and on such occasions DO NOT deviate from the mission, as Gobby should well have known. 

A brief diversion into charity shop mecca seemed harmless enough until she had to overstretch slightly to peruse the gardening book section. 

It was at that moment, as the small but significant escape of gas occurred, that Gobby shot a furtive glance around the shop for an easy target, only to realise that, when not even in the charity shop is there anyone more scummy than yourself, that there really is nowhere to hide.

A Long Yarn

Whilst using up the enforced council leave allocation (essentially not bothering to go at all for the entire month of March), Gobby decided to release the inner domestic goddess that was surreptitiously lurking below the generally slightly gardening and beer tainted exterior and, as befits the time of year, fully embrace a deep spring clean.

This proceeded extremely well for approximately 5 minutes.  Until the wanton and vigorous sweeping hoover strokes inadvertently sucked up a ball of wool complete with attached partially completed knitting project.

In slapstick comedy fashion, Gobby struggled and managed to retrieve the half-ball wedged in the sucking-hoover-mouth, (with hindsight, switching the hoover off first would have made this task distinctly easier)  then had to extract the remainder by pulling it in one continuous thread, about a quarter of a mile in length, rewinding the ball along the way.

Undertaking finally achieved (and hoover put safely back under the stairs, probably until next spring), Gobby surveyed the scene hoping the whole ball wouldn't be needed as the final few feet were not quite the colour and texture of the rest indicating they may have reached the 'bottom of the bag'.

The moral of this yarn being, if Gobby ever presents you with a lovingly hand-knitted gift, WASH IT FIRST!