A Hard Day's Night

Hellrunner was delighted when, after many weeks of encouragement, Tufty finally deigned to join her and the Regulars down the Local.

Her delight was, however, somewhat short-lived when, at 1.00pm the following afternoon, with Tufty dangling a magnet through their letterbox, they were still endeavouring to make it home from the aforementioned night out.

Bottle Shock

After a hard day's slog decorating their new house, Rupert Kidnapper and Manic Miner tentatively enjoy a glass of explosive wine from Tubthumper's home brewery.












When Gobby pointed out that her stock had opened with no trace of volatility Manic Miner pointed out:

"The apple wine opens beautifully when requested. However, it tends to open on its own when least expected with spectacular results."

On hearing that said results has resulted in a kitchen complete with traumatised dog dripping in explosive residue Spudgirl was beside herself in seeking appropriate words of grovelling apology urging Tubthumper to assist her in calming the (somewhat sticky) waters.

Tubthumper ever supportive of his wife and a master of rational debate helpfully added,




"Did they like it?"

Creature Comforts

As Tattoo tried to ruin a potentially pleasant evening for Gobby by informing Billy Idle that one of his current favourite works of cinematic genius was being screened yet again that evening, namely the unsurpassed Kung Fu Panda,














Gobby could at least take some satisfaction in informing him that Billy had, since his cultural visit to Whitby Museum, moved on from a ridiculous animated bear to a far superior influence of his latest favourite creature to be revered, namely Narwhals.

And you can see why:

Circadian Clock

As the Regulars, ever up to date with cutting edge news, discussed the recent scientific revelation that, due to evolutionary processes, reindeer have been able to switch off their internal body clock Hamish lamented,

"I can turn everything off, including women."

Public Service Announcement

As the Regulars excitedly counted down the weeks to the impending canal boat sojourn Gobby considered it only fair to provide an announcement warning of the true horror involved in sharing confined sleeping quarters with Billy Idle:



Not to mention praying there were no amorous moose to be found grazing the banks alongside their chosen route due the somewhat alarming similarity:

All at Sea

As the Regulars eagerly planned their forthcoming boating trip (and Spudgirl reflected on the true fullness of what she had taken on in suggesting said venture) the sleeping arrangements on board came under scrutiny.

It was at this juncture that she realised it may not only be the confined snoring she had to contend during this foray into communal living when Tattoo declared the only pair of pyjamas he possessed were 'hairy'.

Never mind if absence makes the heart grow stronger, just settle for it still beating.

As Gobby prepared to go on holiday and leave Billy Idle to fend for himself she could not hide her disquiet in doing so as, on previous occasions, it had ended in immeasurable disaster.

Jordan was forthcoming with some helpful advice:


"Next time you go away just put him in the recovery position before you leave."

Tat

As the football season rolled on Billy Idle declared he would inflict another tasteless indelible skin marking on himself should Tottenham win the league, to which Gobby vehemently retorted,

"You're not having another Tattoo".

To which Tattoo himself responded with,



"Exactly"

Networking

After asking one of the Regulars what he had been up to recently as she had not seen much of him he replied to Gobby he had been spending a lot of time on Facebook.

However, when she encouraged him to befriend her for further networking he informed her it was, a special site especially for beer drinkers:


"Off your Facebook!"

Baffled

As Marlene, the revered landlady down the local spotted Gobby in a corner one evening she could not help but declare,

"You must have been quiet tonight, I couldn't hear you were in!"

To which, Gobby ever complimentary conceded,

"You've got so many customers they must have been muffling me."

And, Billy Idle helpfully added,

"And those that aren't are queuing up to!"

A Lofty Matter

The Dark Lord lamented another dark episode in the highest echelons of Gothic Towers:


"Our TV picture had slowly become more intermittent until last Friday when it was off with just occasional bouts of a brief picture - and of course that was only when the adverts were on.

Late on Friday evening I squeezed through the loft access to inspect the co-ax which runs from the dish. It runs through the loft and finally appears downstairs at the TV where the sprites emerge out of the end.

All appeared OK as I crawled through the lattice of beams but after limboing into the far corner of the loft I spotted a clue:

A pile of walnut shells on top of the roof insulation between the joists. I shimmied into the eves, knocking down cascades of 120 year old soot to investigate further.

After a birth-like squeeze under the last beam to access the lowest point in the corner, I was in reach of the co-ax. As I brushed away the soot-laden cobwebs from decades of arachnoid activity I spotted the problem. Some of the small furry rodents which I have graciously provided with walnut treats in our garden appeared to have been using the loft as a dormitory.

They also appear to have been using the sky co-ax as dental floss after partying on their walnut stash."

And, thoughtfully, for the more literately challenged of the Regulars he kindly summed up the story pictorially:

P.S. They have to find their own walnuts now and should consider themselves lucky not to have been made into a Davy Crockett hat.

The Dark Lord

(The only Goth in the Village)

Effortless

For once the Regulars were unable to chide Billy Idle on his slothfulness as there was no arguing with the fact that on a particularly snowbound day he:

"Went to the gym but Jim wasn't there!"

Indeed they were almost convinced of his determination to put more effort and activity into 2010 on returning home and attempting to build a snowman in the garden instead until he admitted regrettably being,

'Snowed off.'

Specials

As the Regulars observed the waitress erase:

'Fresh Shetland Mussels'

from the specials board at the end of dining on Friday night they were somewhat perturbed to find they had rematerialised by Saturday night and could only conclude they were,


'Not as fresh as yesterday's.'

Lost for Words

Whilst it could never be possible to predict all that a new decade may bring, the Regulars could not have expected to be confronted by a revelation so soon as the midnight chimes sounded.

However, photographic evidence serves to verify the hitherto unheard of and never before witnessed in captivity ability of social Tourette's afflicted Hamish's to BITE HIS TONGUE.

High Definition

Jordan was beside herself with glee and disbelief when Tattoo woke her with the surprise news they were to go immediately to the electrical store to buy her a new High Definition TV for Christmas.

She should, however have realised there was slightly more to the initial 'definition' than met the eye as she subsequently explained to the Regulars:

"Apparently the telly's mine but the programmes are his."

Return of the Pumpkin

Lest the pumpkin preoccupation of 2009 should all too easily fall into the forgotten past Tubthumper made sure it returned to the fore with the unveiling of the now fully fermented Pumpkin Beer.





















Whilst this was distributed with the disclaimer of being a 'Unique Taste Experience' the Regulars were, nevertheless, unprepared for its true individuality, succinctly described by Billy Idle as a seldom experienced ale experience that:











"Puts hairs on your teeth."

A New Year in the Shire

Needless to say 2010 could not have got off a better start in the shire than with a magnificent display of Billy Idle's karaoke prowess, not to mention him flashing his balls.

Season's Greetings

As Ol' Blue Eyes took his seasonal sojourn north of the border his warmth and humour was sorely missed by the Regulars over the festive period.

On hearing of his timely return Jordan was delighted and wasted to time in calling in on him for a share of his glad tidings.

She did however feel the spirit of good will to all men was somewhat truncated when, on hearing her knock at the door, he appeared with a wreath.

Little did the Regulars realise, however, that they would soon prefer this spectre to the eggnog-fuelled Christmas Eve version that had incomprehensibly transformed itself into a wholly terrifying Lady Ga Ga cover act even more hideous than the genuine article.

Whiteout

The Regulars did not wish to dampen Rick Francis's optimism but, between themselves secretly believed that after a bout of rough play in the park with Zig and Zag, despite marking the territory with a stick, his chances of finding his now missing front tooth once the thaw came were so slim that even Ol' Blue Eyes wouldn't put money on it.

Monitor

Gobby was initially delighted, hoping a new leaf was finally turned, when Billy Idle strapped on his new heart monitor watch (now in the correct place, see The Heart of the Matter) and exercise was underway:

(In your dreams...)

She later realised that there may still be some way to go as she then witnessed him accidently drop said new purchase into his post-activity tub of ice-cream.

The Middle East Question

On receiving a bizarre text from Spudgirl, Gobby first ascertained that it was not a trick question then mused over,

"What can you use Israeli extra virgin olive oil in?"

She should, of course, have saved herself the effort of contemplation and passed the question immediately on to Billy Idle, fount of all knowledge who sagely responded with:










"An Israeli frying pan."

A SINCERE Apology

Barton Lives sincerely apologises if offence was caused in any way regarding the November episode entitled Watership Down and any misinterpretation inferred there from that Robbin' Get may do exactly what it says on the tin.

The correct insinuation of such miserliness in the face of Barton's most over-indulged rabbit , courtesy of the aforementioned Robbin' Get should have read:

"I just wasn't paying £20 for a p*ssing vase to sit on a p*ssing mantlepiece!"

Dark Christmas

Suffice it to say, despite his generosity, the Regulars decided not to take The Dark Lord up on his offer of having them round for Christmas.

Decorum

The Regulars were delighted to hear that the dour and decidedly unfestive Hamish had made an unseasonal effort to take part in the Barton Christmas Best Decorated House competition.

That was, at least, until they popped round to have a look.

The Heart of the Matter

The Regulars had been highly concerned by Billy Idle's recurrent chest pain one weekend, not to mention his ensuing inability to successfully perform the Timewarp and were relieved to hear that by the following weekend this had abated.

However, as further details of Billy's predicament began to emerge, Gobby felt she could go some way to allay the concerns of the Regulars due to a recent purchase of a heart monitor.

Moreover, it was not necessarily the reassurance of the ability to monitor his heart rate that would serve to assuage the fear of any major concerns, but more the fact that, despite months of treatment and rehabilitation, watching Billy strap this to the entirely wrong part of his chest and the revelation that he had still no idea of where his heart was actually situated that would serve to increase the likelihood of his recurrent predicament being no more than a typical case of Billy hot air or bullsh*t.

Taking a Buffeting

As Rupert Kidnapper and the Manic Miner returned from yet another ill-planned foray abroad the Regulars were shocked to hear that, despite being 'all you can eat' this 'value for money' buffet in their hotel was at a cost of £75 a head.

As Hamish was heard to exclaim:

'HOW BIG WAS THE HEAD?!'

Raffles

Before any uncalled for anticipation that the Regulars had taken a far-flung trip out of the Shire to the far east, let all confusion be checked in the knowledge that this episode merely involves the purchase of raffle tickets in support of a local charity.

Indeed, so touched were the Regulars by Barton's resident Scouser's appeal to help those less fortunate then himself and the revelation that there can be less fortunates than those hailing from Merseyside, even the well-documented tight-fisted Hamish dug deep and made a contribution.

On further inspection of the tickets however, and the discovery that these were sold to purchase a defibrillator kit the Regulars enquired that, if they were to win, could they just claim the kit to have on-hand for Billy?

Absent Abstinence

As the Regulars debated the dubious likelihood of one of their member having truthfully given up the pleasures of the flesh forever Ol' Blue Eyes sagely pronounced,

"He'd shag a frog if he could stop it hopping."

Corroborated by Hamish who declared he would,

"Bang a door."

Minimisdemeanor

Ever supportive the Regulars sought to counsel Gobby regarding her latest traffic offence involving being caught driving her mini down a bus lane.

Indeed how could she not take solace from:

"Was it a MINIbus?!"

"Would you have got off if you'd had Ol' Blue eyes in there with his bus pass?"

"£30? That's an expensive fare. Was it to rent the lane?"

"It'd have been cheaper to take the bus."

The Wicker Man

As previously documented the Regulars always liked to keep abreast of current affairs beyond the confines of the Shire and the extent of their worldly knowledge often proved startling.

On discussion of a theme close home, namely the Wicker Man, one of the Regulars lamented,

"He died this week."

To which Tattoo expressed his surprise countering with,

"Who, Alan Whickar?"