They REALLY DO buy any car. Dot com.

As Gobby and Billy Idle penetrated ever deeper into the foul bowels of Hull they could not help feeling that the upbeat and colourful advertising campaign of a certain car purchasing firm did not wholly reflect the true nature of the premises and business that awaited them.

However, with what they had to offload, it was probably a blessing.

Out of Office out of Mind

As Gobby sent some vital electronic communication to Billy Idle at work she was more than slightly perturbed to find he was suddenly and mysteriously 'out of the office' for the next week, something that had gone unmentioned as she had lovingly prepared his butty box the previous evening.

Further and alternative means of communication led to the following exchange clarifying the situation:


"Thanks for telling me - had no idea."

"So you've not left me.  Splendid."

Just One More Thing

As Billy Idle settled down for an uninterrupted Saturday of Columbo viewing he was wholly taken aback by the episode's Special Guest Star.

Whilst he had become accustomed to the likes of Johnny Cash, Faye Dunaway, William Shatner (twice, once with moustache, once without so that the detective viewing public would never realise) he could not believe (as would none of the Regulars) that Robbin' Get was capable of such modesty as to hide his acting starlight under a bushel.

Bedfellows

As, with a level of disbelief that only mirrored the rest of the Regulars' incredulity, Billy was astounded to find he was the only one who had regularly chosen to sleep in bus shelters and behind advertising hoardings in his misspent youth, one by one the Regulars did confess to their own inebriated shortcomings in choice of bedfellows.

Not only had Tattoo once,

"Slept with a horse."

Ol' Blue Eyes admitted,

"Trouble is I backed it the next day!"

Now you See Him

Rolling down the Local late as usual Gobby and Billy Idle strove to find a place amongst the Regulars,

Gobby scarcely avoided installing herself on Tubthumper's lap as, sporting his camouflage trousers, she had failed to notice him.

He did admit it had,

"Taken ages to find them."

Conversation, and on and on and on

As Gobby delighted the old-time Regulars at the bar with scintillating unremitting wit and conversation they were overheard to mutter.

"Shall we try and get a word in?  Best share one."

Downwardly Mobile

As Ol' Blue Eyes' mobility scooter axe to grind showed no signs of abatement he did concede that, if they must insist on driving in the middle of the road,

"At least you can kill them."

 Robbin' Get declared that when the time came he would be getting one to which Ol' Blue Eyes declared,

"You might be the first f*cker I kill!"

And, after further vehement debate on road user suitability concluded,

"I think everyone should have a test to walk!!"

Unsupersized

Barely able to control his disappointment, Billy Idle vowed on the spot never to darken the door again of a well-known Swedish home store.

Ask Hamish

It would seem that Hamish had failed to heed the Regulars' previous sage advice regarding his unsuitability as an Agony Uncle (see Job Satisfaction) and resumed this sideline, this time with a wholly unconvincing wig and under the pseudonym of 'Emma'.

The Green Green Grass of Home

Clearly Gobby's biting sarcasm was wasted down the Local in the following interchange with Billy Idle:

"The grass looks good"

"That's why I didn't cut it."

Possession

The Regulars were somewhat disappointed to learn that, some years down the line, Hamish's relationship with technology could not be said to have improved.

Springwatch

As Gobby devoted herself fully to creating a beautiful nature garden and a haven for wildlife she realised such activity was not without its challenges:

And, no sooner had this issue seemingly been laid to rest ensued a further nature-related incident:

Perhaps, on reflection , there had been more mentions of Springwatch than deemed wise although Gobby would never have predicted what creature would be the next to meet her in the garden the next morning:

The culprit was finally revealed down the Local, much to Gobby's displeasure.

Screwed

Yet again the Regulars verged on despair on hearing of Hamish's latest romantic foray:



"I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me they were not actually a dating agency."

Rail Ale

One Saturday the Regulars set out unnaturally early with an intrepid itinerary pushing the boundaries, literally, to spending a whole day, en masse, out of the Shire.

Some of the above relished it more than others.

As Happy and Grumpy clearly showed:

 Closely followed by most of the rest of the 7 dwarfs - to be matched up as the latest Barton Lives challenge (although as to be expected there wasn't anyone bright enough to be Doc).

All in all despite having roamed far and wide short of being interspersed by one terrifying moment courtesy of a fat ginger version of 'Go Compare' shattering the idyllic peace of a canal-side beer garden a splendid day was had by all.

Poetry

Gobby could only marvel at the understated beauty and hidden depths of a poem penned for her by one of the Regulars:





Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have Alzheimer's
Cheese on toast

Careering

During a recent discussion down the Local, the Regulars briefly pondered as to why they were not, perhaps, setting the world of work on fire unlike others of comparable age and experience.

They were soon relieved of this burden of contemplation, however, when Billy Idle cleverly and succinctly explained this with the use of statistical representation after which they all understood completely and went to the bar.

Pond Dipping

The Regulars were delighted when Hellrunner suggested an idyllic evening's Pond dipping event exploring the natural beauty and wildlife of the Shire.













All except Spudgirl, that is, who startled even the most broad-minded of  Regulars with her reply:

"Thanks for asking but I can't even swim."

Causing the Regulars to wonder with trepidation what pond dipping Essex-style actually entails but being far too scared to ask.

Pipes of Peace

Enjoying the endless variety of the M1 as ever Gobby couldn't help but wonder what the pipes could have done.

Office Junior

Gobby was delighted to see that Billy Idle had learned from his previous work-life balance failings and taken advantage of some extra help in the office.

Scary

Gobby was initially delighted with her new garden gift from Spudgirl and Tubthumper.

 Until they had admitted to purchasing it because of an uncanny similarity.

Not so Green

With hindsight, Gobby realised it had been a mistake to ask Billy Idle to help with the garden.

As the Regulars viewed the Bank Holiday Beer Festival menu with the delight of small children in a sweet shop Gobby inquired of Billy.

"Can I tempt you to a Bogtrotter?"

To which he affectionately replied,

"You're ok; I'm not sure there's room for two of you."

Surprise

As the Regulars anticipated an evening of fun all round they were not disappointed to see, from the look of delight on Tattoo's face, that details of his surprise party had definitely been kept firmly in the bag.

Pulling Teeth

Whilst the Regulars appreciated being given more time to spend down the Local they were not entirely caught up in wedding frenzy over the Bank Holiday.

As Ol' Blue Eyes succinctly put it,

"I'm not saying I'm not looking forward to the wedding but are there any dentists open?"

Marketing

As the Regulars geared themselves for the excitement of the monthly Farmers' Market to hit the town Billy got eccitred about the 'speciality burgers' on offer.

He did however show concern as to not repeat his error of purchsing the one that had not been entirely to his liking declaring,

"I'm not sure how not to order it agian because I can't remember what I've had."

Ol' Blue Eyes came to his rescue with some sage advice adding,

"I had the venision burger - it was a bit dear."

Tasty

As Gobby lamented the closure of a local emporium on her regular route of frugality she voiced true concern as to,

'What would happen to Tasty Mark?'

The Regulars put her mind at rest in reminding her,

'He'll just be Mark, now.'

Fishy

As Gobby's attempt at a sexy pout fell on stony ground down the Local and Tubthumper likened her to a fish, Billy Idle did protest,

"You should see it first thing on a morning - I'll take the fish anytime!"

House!

As Billy Idle set himself up for an intense 'working from home day' Robbin' Get did query as to whether said day would actually consist of accountancy or bingo.

Moonlighting

The Regulars could not help be concerned that if Spudgirl's boss were to find out about her sideline her days would be numbered.

Primitive

After a recent beer outing during which Gobby excelled herself yet again in beer consumption and her inability to control this appropriately led Jordan to compare her once more to an 'amoeba', Gobby was astounded, not by the audacity of one of the Regulars to label her as such a primitive life form, but more that Jordan had been able to correctly spell such an insult.

To which Jordan did have to concede that she,

"Copied it off you on Facebook."