Fe-fi-fo-fum

Whilst usually a pleasurable night out, Billy Idle was terrified not only to see the mighty Wigan Warriors resort to the unfair advantage of fielding giants, but moreover as one first took a tentative exploratory lick then attempted to bite off his head.

Unperturbed Gobby completed her 'sun salutation' she deemed fully appropriate relaxation in the circumstances.

Bargain

As well-known by the Regulars and a much broader entourage, Gobby was never the best when it came to arithmetic.

However, on this occasion, she refused to believe it was her lack of ability at fault:

Saving your Bacon

All the Regulars were touched to see the efforts Billy idle had gone to in his charity work.

Chafing

Gobby was somewhat perturbed one morning on waking to find a giant cockchafer on her potatoes. 

Bladdered

On discovering the mecca that is Lidl was stocking one of her FAVOURITE beers EVER: Leeds Midnight Bell, http://www.leedsbrewery.co.uk/beers/midnight-bell-ale 

Gobby did have to admit that the unexpected pressure this excitement put on a middle-aged bladder did cause her to become briefly but disturbingly 'moist in the aisle'.

Viewpoint

A different view of The Local.

This must be the one you get from Liverpool.

Trailing Off

Having put it off for as long as justifiably possible, Gobby knew, at some juncture, she would have to bite the bullet and spend a night in Bernie Ecclestone's trailer.

At times like this she chose to look for solace and inspiration in the works of the great lyricist and philosopher that is Otis Lee Crenshaw:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Al-2Sjtx8o 

And before anyone dare think that is far too removed from life in the Shire - look no further!

Ding Dong

On arriving home, when Billy Idle chose, rather than to open the door with his key and enter their abode in an adult fashion, to ring the doorbell repeatedly in a frenzied manner until Gobby dropped what she was doing and rushed to admit him, she did remark,

"Why would I not get away with being that annoying?" 

And was not entirely placated wit the curt reply of:

"Because, with me, it's unusual."

Domination

Gobby, Billy Idle and Rupert exchanged evilly knowing glances as their plans for world domination came one step closer...

Hunter Gatherer

Gobby should not have exercised any concern over Billy Idle's abilities to survive when she returned home much later than expected one evening.

It was, in fact, good to see that the innate 'Hunter-Gatherer' instincts had kicked in.

Tea Party

Deep down the Regulars knew they would be safe going round to Hamish's for a cup of tea and they were welcome.

It just didn't always feel like that when he brewed up.

Travel in Style

Patiently waiting for that rarely seen phenomenon in the Shire, a bus, Gobby wasn't convinced, despite their claims to have entered the digital age that, should she text the code indicated, she would actually receive the desired information.

Smooth or Crunchy?

As Gobby studied the supermarket shelves intently preparing to purchase an unfamiliar item she realised, as said intended item was allegedly the optimum rat trap bait and to be purchased therefore, she really was overthinking when deciding on smooth or crunchy.

Smooth or Crunchy

Back to the Future

If you ignore being middle aged, 6' tall, overweight and balding then Michael J. Fox could be in the room.

Mo-tivation

Gobby was delighted to catch Billy Idle in the act of mo-ing for the first time this year:

Cosy

Having been obliged to knit a dozen novelty boiled egg cosies for Easter and now on somewhat of a roll, Gobby felt like upgrading to a tea cosy.

Merrily browsing online patterns, the cute little animal ones were particularly appealing.

Until she suddenly came across one that was either simply downright wrong, or had been devised by Hamish:

Let Battle Commence

A thread that may run and run:

Chickens vs. Onions

DAY ONE

£2.00 trellis from the Factory Shop - we'll see...

DAY TWO

So far so good...

DAY THREE

Not so successful -  Dolly gets in but can't get out.  Didn't see where she got in to make improvements.

As she can't get out - onion trampling panic.

UPDATE

Not a particularly good day:

Chickens 3 Onions 0

Stole (it's funny if you think about it long enough).

The moment Rupert realised he had been outscarved.

Life's a Gas

Planning some unseemly tasks involving gardening and chickens later that morning, Gobby felt no need for ablutions or to remove any traces of the previous day's gardening and beer combo and slipped down town for a few essential items to tackle the garden head-on.

Take heed and on such occasions DO NOT deviate from the mission, as Gobby should well have known. 

A brief diversion into charity shop mecca seemed harmless enough until she had to overstretch slightly to peruse the gardening book section. 

It was at that moment, as the small but significant escape of gas occurred, that Gobby shot a furtive glance around the shop for an easy target, only to realise that, when not even in the charity shop is there anyone more scummy than yourself, that there really is nowhere to hide.

A Long Yarn

Whilst using up the enforced council leave allocation (essentially not bothering to go at all for the entire month of March), Gobby decided to release the inner domestic goddess that was surreptitiously lurking below the generally slightly gardening and beer tainted exterior and, as befits the time of year, fully embrace a deep spring clean.

This proceeded extremely well for approximately 5 minutes.  Until the wanton and vigorous sweeping hoover strokes inadvertently sucked up a ball of wool complete with attached partially completed knitting project.

In slapstick comedy fashion, Gobby struggled and managed to retrieve the half-ball wedged in the sucking-hoover-mouth, (with hindsight, switching the hoover off first would have made this task distinctly easier)  then had to extract the remainder by pulling it in one continuous thread, about a quarter of a mile in length, rewinding the ball along the way.

Undertaking finally achieved (and hoover put safely back under the stairs, probably until next spring), Gobby surveyed the scene hoping the whole ball wouldn't be needed as the final few feet were not quite the colour and texture of the rest indicating they may have reached the 'bottom of the bag'.

The moral of this yarn being, if Gobby ever presents you with a lovingly hand-knitted gift, WASH IT FIRST!

Festive Highs and Lows

Gobby felt that, after a long week at work for Billy Idle, when he finally returned home he had everything he needed for the perfect Christmas. 

Although the festive mood was slightly dampened when their neighbours, who Gobby & Billy had hitherto thought liked them, appeared on their doorstep with the following gift of horror:

Stick on Fun

Never let it be said that the fun stopped in the Shire once Christmas Day was over.  Although some presents should definitely be left at home.

However, the Regulars they were stunned to find Tattoo had been so modest about his previous movie star career.

Norfolk Abroad

As the Regulars struggled to coordinate their holidays to arrange a boating trip on the Norfolk Broads to rival their previous hugely successful attempt on the water, see Ahoy, the following exchange down the Local between Billy Idle and Hamish didn't really help towards a solution:

"And we need to go to South Africa."

"We only get so much diesel!!!"

Irony

Admittedly Gobby could generally find more pressing (wait for it) matters with which to occupy her time but would, on occasions, deign to cautiously approach the precarious ironing pile.

Nonetheless, these crease-filled steam-free interludes were in no way lengthy enough to warrant Billy Idle’s recent response of:

“Shirts!! Long time no see!!”
“Can you remember where they go?!”



Not to mention every woman, though hating to admit it, knows the awful truth:

Bankers

Gobby felt the need to share with the rest of the world, or at least the handful of 'Barton Lives' followers, what now classes for a bank when you live in the Shire.

Im-peared

Gobby never felt one of her favourite pastimes of gardening to be one of the most complicated of processes.

A simple matter of removing any windfall fruit before mowing was, she would have thought, intuitive and self-explanatory.

Until she came home from work to view the lawn of pear puree.

And Billy Idle's aftercare advice of:

"You might want to clean that up".

Customer Service

Gobby was enlightened to realise she was not alone in her approach to dealing with customers at the Leisure Centre of Delights:

Well Beet-en

After rigorous judging and great tension in the room it would seem the Briggadears (the Regulars' dear friends from Brigg), after a crushing defeat at Carrotfest, had come back this year with a vengeance.

Or with some very fine beetroot at the very least.

Anyone would think they were quite pleased with themselves.

Back by Seemingly Popular Request

As Billy Idle once more transformed himself into Mogster Entertainment the Regulars readied themselves for an evening's entertainment to celebrate the Landlady's birthday.

And the evening's entertainment did not disappoint:

Especially the eagerly anticipated ONE AND ONLY song from the Birthday girl herself.

I Scream

Seasoned Shit Shop shopper that she is, it is not often that Gobby would have to admit to being scared by ice cream.