Changes

All Gobby wanted to convey, to someone not a million miles away was,

"You know who you are."

Public Relations

As the Regulars mused philosophically over the delicate intricacies of some of the relationships they observed down the Local, especially those they failed to understand, Tattoo sagely pronounced:

"Ugly blokes like a shag too."

To which Billy Idle added, to a less than favourable reception,

"I'll have to take your word for that."

Sour Cow

As Gobby, observing  Hellrunner full of ale and particularly cantankerous down the Local one evening labelled her a 'sour cow', Spudgirl did feel the need to protest reminding her,

"No, that's me."

Parallel Universe

Hellrunner, after a night out on the town (well, Barton) awoke in a state of panic to the sounds of lawn mowing.

Believing this must be a sound barrier breaking mower from an abode further down the street, looking out of the window and seeing Gobby and Billy Idle engaged in antemeridian horticulture it was particularly fortunate that she was still in bed during her subsequent collapse.

Such was her state of shock that despite Billy's best efforts to convince her that, indeed, she must be mistaken and her watch, phone and every clock in the house could only be wrong and it was surely actually afternoon, and Gobby's cover-all solution of a 'nice cup of tea' could do nothing to assuage her trauma nor extract her from the belief that she had been sucked into a parallel universe in the Shire from which she may never emerge.

Making It So

All this talk of parallel universes once again had the Regulars wondering what had happened to Hamish.

It would seem that he too had been spotted (more than once) in another dimension.

Ding Dong

The Regulars did their best to appear impressed as Captain Tubthumper showed off his new phone.

Daydream Believer

As Billy Idle mused down the Local that he was,

"Not much of a dreamer".

Ol' Blue Eyes could not contain his surprise at this statement'


"Considering how much you sleep!"

Oh Captain, my Captain

The Regulars were hugely impressed with Tubthumper's promotion; not to mention his very grown up beard.

Ringing the Changes

On arrival at the Local, with Jordan and Tattoo decidedly eager to declare they 'had a new ring piece' for her, Gobby was not sure whether it would be wiser to turn on her heel there and then and flee.

Fortunately it was soon revealed that this would merely be for gardening purposes.




And how many of you thought that would be one about Tubthumper and Spudgirl...?

Pond Dipped

Despite a lack of any anticipated nudity or swinging at the Adult Only Pond Dipping event the Regulars did have a thoroughly enjoyable educational evening. (See Pond Dipping)

One of them in particular.

Food for Thought

As Hamish's absence from the Local became increasingly prolonged the Regulars were relieved to hear he had chosen to take a culinary trip around the world and lost for words when he chose to share his snapshots with them.

They REALLY DO buy any car. Dot com.

As Gobby and Billy Idle penetrated ever deeper into the foul bowels of Hull they could not help feeling that the upbeat and colourful advertising campaign of a certain car purchasing firm did not wholly reflect the true nature of the premises and business that awaited them.

However, with what they had to offload, it was probably a blessing.

Out of Office out of Mind

As Gobby sent some vital electronic communication to Billy Idle at work she was more than slightly perturbed to find he was suddenly and mysteriously 'out of the office' for the next week, something that had gone unmentioned as she had lovingly prepared his butty box the previous evening.

Further and alternative means of communication led to the following exchange clarifying the situation:


"Thanks for telling me - had no idea."

"So you've not left me.  Splendid."

Just One More Thing

As Billy Idle settled down for an uninterrupted Saturday of Columbo viewing he was wholly taken aback by the episode's Special Guest Star.

Whilst he had become accustomed to the likes of Johnny Cash, Faye Dunaway, William Shatner (twice, once with moustache, once without so that the detective viewing public would never realise) he could not believe (as would none of the Regulars) that Robbin' Get was capable of such modesty as to hide his acting starlight under a bushel.

Bedfellows

As, with a level of disbelief that only mirrored the rest of the Regulars' incredulity, Billy was astounded to find he was the only one who had regularly chosen to sleep in bus shelters and behind advertising hoardings in his misspent youth, one by one the Regulars did confess to their own inebriated shortcomings in choice of bedfellows.

Not only had Tattoo once,

"Slept with a horse."

Ol' Blue Eyes admitted,

"Trouble is I backed it the next day!"

Now you See Him

Rolling down the Local late as usual Gobby and Billy Idle strove to find a place amongst the Regulars,

Gobby scarcely avoided installing herself on Tubthumper's lap as, sporting his camouflage trousers, she had failed to notice him.

He did admit it had,

"Taken ages to find them."

Conversation, and on and on and on

As Gobby delighted the old-time Regulars at the bar with scintillating unremitting wit and conversation they were overheard to mutter.

"Shall we try and get a word in?  Best share one."

Downwardly Mobile

As Ol' Blue Eyes' mobility scooter axe to grind showed no signs of abatement he did concede that, if they must insist on driving in the middle of the road,

"At least you can kill them."

 Robbin' Get declared that when the time came he would be getting one to which Ol' Blue Eyes declared,

"You might be the first f*cker I kill!"

And, after further vehement debate on road user suitability concluded,

"I think everyone should have a test to walk!!"

Unsupersized

Barely able to control his disappointment, Billy Idle vowed on the spot never to darken the door again of a well-known Swedish home store.

Ask Hamish

It would seem that Hamish had failed to heed the Regulars' previous sage advice regarding his unsuitability as an Agony Uncle (see Job Satisfaction) and resumed this sideline, this time with a wholly unconvincing wig and under the pseudonym of 'Emma'.

The Green Green Grass of Home

Clearly Gobby's biting sarcasm was wasted down the Local in the following interchange with Billy Idle:

"The grass looks good"

"That's why I didn't cut it."

Possession

The Regulars were somewhat disappointed to learn that, some years down the line, Hamish's relationship with technology could not be said to have improved.

Springwatch

As Gobby devoted herself fully to creating a beautiful nature garden and a haven for wildlife she realised such activity was not without its challenges:

And, no sooner had this issue seemingly been laid to rest ensued a further nature-related incident:

Perhaps, on reflection , there had been more mentions of Springwatch than deemed wise although Gobby would never have predicted what creature would be the next to meet her in the garden the next morning:

The culprit was finally revealed down the Local, much to Gobby's displeasure.

Screwed

Yet again the Regulars verged on despair on hearing of Hamish's latest romantic foray:



"I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me they were not actually a dating agency."

Rail Ale

One Saturday the Regulars set out unnaturally early with an intrepid itinerary pushing the boundaries, literally, to spending a whole day, en masse, out of the Shire.

Some of the above relished it more than others.

As Happy and Grumpy clearly showed:

 Closely followed by most of the rest of the 7 dwarfs - to be matched up as the latest Barton Lives challenge (although as to be expected there wasn't anyone bright enough to be Doc).

All in all despite having roamed far and wide short of being interspersed by one terrifying moment courtesy of a fat ginger version of 'Go Compare' shattering the idyllic peace of a canal-side beer garden a splendid day was had by all.