Pensionable Pleasure

On the receipt of his bus-pass, Robin Get mused over his new life-status pointing out,


"Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife, Imelda and I went to the seaside to visit the family and went into a shoe shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes (unbelievably!). When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,

"Come on man, how about giving us senior citizens a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

Taking Sides

After another lamentable performance at Pub Quiz down The Local, the Regulars felt somewhat thwarted that their answer to the question "Name the 2 rival sides in the TV series The Last Salute" was not accepted as, surely it was clear to all and sundry that, in place of the correct answer of RAC & AA, they had merely made a simple spelling error in writing RUC & IRA.

Crime Prevention

As Gobby lamented the loss of her prize possession, her trusty old faithful bike, lovingly maintained since her teenage years, and last seen disappearing down the market place from outside the supermarket at the hands of some chav scum, her grief and shame was only compounded by the solemn lecture she received from Zig & Zag who, with their collective age of 5, expained in no uncertain terms, the importance of


LOCK BIKE, LOCK BIKE, LOCK BIKE, GOBBY!!!!!!

Did the Earth Move?

After the horrific news reports of the past week Evil Twin could not hide her concern for Gobby, Billy and the rest of the Regulars after their near-death earthquake experience exclaiming:

"Cannot BELIEVE that people would think that nothing ever happens in The Shire......"

Moreover, deeply concerned as to how the Regulars would cope in the aftermath of the disaster suggested:

"Hows about a multiple choice quiz to raise funds for 'disaster relief' You could charge people a quid to answer the following:"

"What do you think caused the earthquake in The Shire???"

a) Billy let one rip after last night's curry......................

b) Gobby was having passionate unabandoned sex and fell out of bed damaging herself badly, getting taken to hospital with cracked ribs and getting MRSA and winning £5million a la Leslie Ash................

c) it was caused by the stampede of Regulars finally forced out of The Local at 1am............

All joking aside it was clear that Evil Twin had been very moved by the plight of the good people of the Shire sending the following words of comfort:

Dear all,

Not often I send these types of things out but with the earthquake this week it really makes you think...

With all the news on TV lately about the hurricanes that America is experiencing, the typhoons in China, flooding in Switzerland and recent mud slides in South America, we shouldn't forget that the UK has its share of devastating natural disasters too.

Attached is a photo illustrating the damage caused to my home from the earthquake that occured.

It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.

Do take care of yourselves and be safe.

Best regards,

Evil Twin x

Swearing at Work

The Regulars were deeply concerned that Hamish may be on his way to yet another new place of employ (should there be any fork-lift truck establishments left untouched by his hand in The Shire) after he let slip a memo he had recently received from his boss:

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Hamish's Challenge

Whilst The Regulars marvelled at Hamish's staying power and determination in his bid to give up the dreaded weed, they felt they had to break it to him that it may take slightly more than that for him to give up the world of fork lift maintenance once and for all and take up his dream job of being a lumberjack.

Hamish's Retreat

With one of their members noticeably absent at the weekend The Regulars mused over Hamish's rehab progress at his special retreat which, to spare his feelings, they pretend to believe actually is 'Butlins' (see June 2007: Quick Learner).

They were all pleased to receive communication from him of the success of his most recent spell at 'Butlins':



"Hi folks, got back from 'Butlins' o.k. Great bands, loads of beer, only one attack of tourettes and great views from accommodation?"

At which Tattoo was only too pleased to praise Hamish on his progress and encourage further development,


"Obviously cut the branches off the tree, to stop you climbing up to look in the opposite bedroom window. "

"You perv."



Thankfully Hamish never goes on a weekend to 'Butlins' without taking suitable precautions should he 'get lucky' reassuring the rest of The Regulars,

"Didn't work, I had binoculars!"

Secret Passwords

Whilst avidly keeping abreast of the fast-paced world of Barton Lives Evil Twin was intrigued by last month's episode "Greater forces at Work" and the memories that ONION brought flooding back.


By her own admission:

"Having lapsed my Fatclub membership the minute I got into my frock and unable to go to the class and ask this:"

Evil Twin turned to the trustworthy, knowledgeable and infinitely dependable Regulars to see if they could shed light on her predicament, continuing:

"When I was there, the password was always something like:"

LENTIL.........CHICKEN..........VEGETABLE...........GRAPEFRUIT.............DUST............

and I thought..... do they ever have passwords such as:

LARD.............BLACK PUDDING.............BIG MAC.................PORK SCRATCHINGS..............????

Concluding,

"If not, they should. We would remember them a whole lot better."

Words of Comfort

After coming to terms with failing to secure a position that could not have been more tailor-made for her had she written the job description herself, slept with the interview panel and had the rest of the candidates consisted of the cast of Fraggle Rock, Gobby had managed to reach a philosophical stance on the proceedings just as Billy Idle returned home.

Indeed, it could be said that so successful had she been in her powers of self-counselling that Billy's additional words of solace, complete with his self-gratification of his own interview success ratio could have been left unsaid. Especially once they had been.


"Do you go into an interview as yourself?"

"You see, that could be where your problem lies."


Proving the point that, as Billy so proudly pointed out, it is indeed not his interview skills that are lacking.