Has Bean

Despite his protestations as to 'Beanz meanz Heinz', Gobby pointed out to Billy:

£1.19 vs. 75p?!

Unless you actually go into anaphylactic shock after trying them it'll be 'Bring out the Branston' all the way in future.

Gifted

It would seem, that with such thoughtful friends when it came to gifts, all Gobby's Christmases had come early. Far too early.

Mischief

It didn't take Gobby long to work out which of their friends had 'called round' on mischief night.

Pussy

Tubthumper wanted to reassure the Regulars that, if they didn't know what Pussy tasted like, or it had been a while, they merely had to get themselves down to Poundland in Scunthorpe.

Universally Challenged

And finally, Billy Idle got a question right.

Matted

Gobby was underwhelmed by Billy Idle's efforts to protect the furniture feeling the need to ask,

"Do we have so few mats and coasters to our name thus meaning we ALL have to use 'Gardeners' World' magazine?!"

All Hallows

The Regulars were initially highly impressed to hear that Hamish had gone to some effort to decorate his abode for Halloween.

Indeed, considering how far his previous attempts at home decoration had been wide of the mark, (see Decorum and A Guiding Light ) they could hardly wait to paint their faces (Except Tattoo of course; no need) and go trick-or treating.

Clearly Kirstie Allsopp has no need to worry as yet.

Sampling

There come times when, tidying up round the house after Billy Idle, Gobby cannot help but despairingly asking herself the question:



"How can they not know it's a carpet sample not a mat?!

Bulk

Again Gobby felt her home economic skills and thrifty talent to be wholly undervalued as, after a recent fruitful money-saving jaunt, all her concerted effort received on Billy Idle's homecoming was:

"Oooh, shall we invite the neighbours round for a shit?"

Shirty

Gobby had to confess to a unprecedented fit of puerility when, as Billy Idle piqued her during a particularly uncooperative effort to add to the weekly shopping list, she saw fit to take use the chalk held in her hand and express her true feelings on the back of the T-shirt he was wearing.

Considerably later, after the (chalk) dust had settled and they retired harmoniously for the evening, Gobby did check to make sure Billy had placed the article in question in the wash basket so she could make amends. 

She was more than slightly surprised when the answer came back as 'no' and to find the garment had been placed on Billy's (on occasions precariously high and regularly somewhat foetid)  'rewear' pile.

So much so that she had to probe,

"And on just which future occasion do you think your C**T shirt will be suitable?"

Tribute

After completing the double, Gobby and Billy Idle felt they needed to mark the end to the season with a fitting tribute, and what could pay more homage than an article of such outstanding quality:





















And any doubts at the calibre of such an item were soon assuaged when Gobby admitted to the purchase to her considerably posher friend who subsequently led her down the garden path to admire the following:

Feeling vindicated Gobby relayed the evidence to Billy idle who simply elucidated:

"That merely makes her more chav not you less so!"

Headcase

Jordan was not particularly impressed with Tattoo's experimental use of her prized new kitchen purchase.

Although the rest of the Regulars were amazed his head could be any more shiny.

Novelty

On a pre-beer-trip stomach lining expedition Gobby was somewhat terrified by the produce on offer by a well-known pasty purveyor not to mention as to at a loss at what to do with said item.

As Luck would Have It

Gobby felt confident for the semifinal win as, in addition to the team colours:

Billy Idle announced he had also put on his 'lucky underpants'.



So lucky, it would seem, they stayed on a whole 3 days.

Saucy

During dinner Gobby felt her choice of condiments to be insufficient and, as Billy Idle rose to replenish his plate, she was sure that by pointing to the bottle on the table and clearing stating: 'Please bring me the the brown one of these from the cupboard,'




















That even Billy could manage to find and return with this:

But, alas, no.

As ever, she should have just gone to get it herself.

Derby Day

Astonishing, really that even this homage could not force a win.

A Helping Paw

With a hard day's gardening ahead Gobby was not overly impressed with the efforts of the help she had brought in.

Half Cut

Gobby had to admit that Hellrunner's 40th birthday must have been a splendid night as she woke up the next morning entirely naked from the waist down but fully clothed, accessorized and made-up from the waist up.

She did, however, take offense to Billy Idle's claims that she,

"Walked home like that".

Mowning

On hearing the words,

"Have you noticed your water butt?"

Gobby's heart sank to her muddy boots as this could only mean another lawnmower-based disaster in her beloved garden.

Indeed, she feared it would be akin to the recent,

"I may have bashed into one of your metal pots and dented it slightly."

Which, after translating from Billy Idle's somewhat sheepish expression and well-known lack of affinity with the truth, Gobby ascertained to be:

"So, what you're saying is, you have definitely bashed into one of my metal pots and dented the shit out of it."

Although this did not surpass the previous:

"Have you mown up my strawberry nets?!"

"Ah, I was going to mention that."

"WHEN??!!  When I noticed and asked, HAVE YOU MOWN UP MY STRAWBERRY NETS??!!?!"



However, Gobby felt the situation could be improved by the introduction of clear garden signage.

Either that or it is simply time to get a goat.

On Your Bike

Delighted though she was at his level of enthusiasm and fitness on joining the CAMRA branch bike ride, Gobby could only muse as to who had dressed Billy idle that morning and as to for what event, circumstance or scenario such attire could ever be deemed 'appropriate'.

Moreover, why anyone in possession of their own legs would go for the 'artificial leg' look.

No Sale

Loath to admit it though she was, even Gobby knew there were still some items out there that shouldn't be purchased.

Even at "3 for £1" in Heron:

Collectable

Gobby would always be the first to admit to being severely numerically challenged.  However, during a recent 'shit shop', even she could see the flaw in the collectability challenge:

Lurve

No matter how inspiring and fulfilling a rare to trip to TKMaxx may be, Gobby didn't feel it could actually convince her to:

Whale Wars

Gobby was somewhat terrified by Hellrunner's arrival bearing gifts wondering when the latest pod was likely to hit the Shire and if we were at war with Japan.

On clarification she was, however, eternally grateful that her compost would soon be turned to perfection.

The Rovers Return

The Regulars could have found themselves highly confused and believing themselves to be in the wrong drinking establishment until the full chain of events unfurled.

On hearing that Mad Logman, ex beau of the Landlady, had had to be forcibly removed from his car by the constabulary on dog-napping charges, before said animal could be returned to its rightful abode, they began to understand the appropriate pseudonym.

Masterless

With the long-awaited return of their entertainment of choice Gobby was delighted to see how the many series they had watched previously had improved Billy Idle's culinary knowledge.

That was until reference to a certain vegetable,

"Like big green matches that make your piss stink."

Answers on a postcard and perhaps not quite ready to put himself  forward as a future series winner.

Be afraid, be very afraid...

Snackered

As Gobby continued to brave the insurmountable challenge of educating Billy Idle in their new target area of 'portion control' she felt she had made some headway in his understanding of the need to avoid pre-dinner and post-dinner snacks.

She soon realised, however, the true immensity of his utter lack of understanding on needing to explain that,

"No, you can have a 'through-dinner' snack because a 'through-dinner' snack essentially constitutes:

DINNER."

Daydream Believer

During a regular distraction from work Spudgirl could only dream of her forthcoming holiday to make it through the daily toil.

Sign of the Times

With regard to recent events and the gradual demise of the Regulars one by one, all but the most stony-hearted could not fail to wince at the Darklord's disturbing new suggestion for the Local.

The Wait is Over

Gobby mused that, only in the Shire, would one become so excited on receiving the following text from a friend:

"Saw the farmer planting potatoes today,

so,

 I GUESS IT'S TIME!"

Talking Bollocks

Whilst Billy Idle agreed With Spudgirl's observation that he engaged in a lot of 'gesticular talking', he vehemently disagreed with the rest of the Regulars that this meant he:

'Talked out of his balls.'

Ringer

As Ringing Master Spudgirl, due to unforeseen circumstance beyond all control found herself one tower captain short of a band for the morning, Billy Idle helpfully suggested she could take along a:

'Ringer ringer'.

Ear-ie

Fascinating though the lengthy and surprising to him at least account of Billy Idle's 'suddenly' hairy ears was, after approximately 20 minutes of attentive listening, particularly on the utterance of the phrase, 'And you'll have to trim them!' Gobby did feel she had afforded enough time to said lament and curtailed it effectively with,

"And what do you have to complain about about?  I've been plucking my nipples for years."

But as luck would have it, it would seem nothing is unobtainable in this day and age and Gobby soon found a solution.

And thank goodness for the handy instructions on the box as surely it would have been impossible to deduce how to use Mr NOSE AND EAR TRIMMER otherwise.

HD

As Jordan, delighted with her new phone showed off its new features and captured a moment of herself and Gobby down the Local that could only be described as gurning,  Ol' Blue Eyes declared it definitely to be in HD:

HORRIFIC DISPLAY.