Festive Highs and Lows

Gobby felt that, after a long week at work for Billy Idle, when he finally returned home he had everything he needed for the perfect Christmas. 

Although the festive mood was slightly dampened when their neighbours, who Gobby & Billy had hitherto thought liked them, appeared on their doorstep with the following gift of horror:

Stick on Fun

Never let it be said that the fun stopped in the Shire once Christmas Day was over.  Although some presents should definitely be left at home.

However, the Regulars they were stunned to find Tattoo had been so modest about his previous movie star career.

Norfolk Abroad

As the Regulars struggled to coordinate their holidays to arrange a boating trip on the Norfolk Broads to rival their previous hugely successful attempt on the water, see Ahoy, the following exchange down the Local between Billy Idle and Hamish didn't really help towards a solution:

"And we need to go to South Africa."

"We only get so much diesel!!!"

Irony

Admittedly Gobby could generally find more pressing (wait for it) matters with which to occupy her time but would, on occasions, deign to cautiously approach the precarious ironing pile.

Nonetheless, these crease-filled steam-free interludes were in no way lengthy enough to warrant Billy Idle’s recent response of:

“Shirts!! Long time no see!!”
“Can you remember where they go?!”



Not to mention every woman, though hating to admit it, knows the awful truth:

Bankers

Gobby felt the need to share with the rest of the world, or at least the handful of 'Barton Lives' followers, what now classes for a bank when you live in the Shire.

Im-peared

Gobby never felt one of her favourite pastimes of gardening to be one of the most complicated of processes.

A simple matter of removing any windfall fruit before mowing was, she would have thought, intuitive and self-explanatory.

Until she came home from work to view the lawn of pear puree.

And Billy Idle's aftercare advice of:

"You might want to clean that up".

Customer Service

Gobby was enlightened to realise she was not alone in her approach to dealing with customers at the Leisure Centre of Delights:

Well Beet-en

After rigorous judging and great tension in the room it would seem the Briggadears (the Regulars' dear friends from Brigg), after a crushing defeat at Carrotfest, had come back this year with a vengeance.

Or with some very fine beetroot at the very least.

Anyone would think they were quite pleased with themselves.

Back by Seemingly Popular Request

As Billy Idle once more transformed himself into Mogster Entertainment the Regulars readied themselves for an evening's entertainment to celebrate the Landlady's birthday.

And the evening's entertainment did not disappoint:

Especially the eagerly anticipated ONE AND ONLY song from the Birthday girl herself.

I Scream

Seasoned Shit Shop shopper that she is, it is not often that Gobby would have to admit to being scared by ice cream.

Washing Tablets

Not some type of advertising for domestic cleaning products as you may have imagined...

Should anyone remember Billy Idle's awakening some time ago that you can't 'rinse chips' this week's salutary jelly and lunchbox related incident has now taught him that you can't - 'wash tablets'.

Gobby did toy with the idea of just taking the lot together in the form of a paste just 'for fun' but realised that was a foolish suggestion as Billy was most likely stupid enough to try. 

Into the Unknown

Whilst crossing the Pennines was often viewed as a leap of faith and a trip into the unknown, Gobby couldn't help feeling it wasn't quite going to be the odyssey Route Planner was alleging.

Mr Motivator

Gobby was delighted to find a new motivational poster especially suited to Billy Idle.

Anyone for...

It would seem Gobby no longer had to wonder as to what Billy Idle's surprise new Mancave toy was going to be...

Wish You Were Here?

The Regulars couldn't deny, from the nature of the message, that the proprietors of a certain local establishment were probably in need of some respite.

They just hoped they had taken plenty of cream with them.

Bright Lights

The Regulars decided, on seeing Hamish's latest home adornment, that Kirstie Allsopp had little rivalry to worry about on the home decor front.

The Strypes

If you wanna be in my gang...

Then 'CHECK' out what occurred a few weeks later:

Handing it to You

During a busy night down the Local and unable to hear the conversation from the far end of the table, Gobby somewhat indignantly misinterpreted Billy Idle's hand gesture:

Declaring,"I thought that was my a***hole!!"

The Regulars soon put her straight declaring,

"No, he's still sitting right here."

Point of View

Whilst Gobby was delighted Billy Idle had taken to warmly to the new additions to the family, she did have to insist that there is a line and, they don't actually want to 'come in and watch the rugby'.

Somewhat surprised that he needed to ask why she went on to remind him,

"Because they're CHICKENS".

And, as they pointed out to her, It's not like France were even playing.

Thinking outside the Box

As the Sky man, whilst installing a new box downstairs and relocating the old one upstairs casually uttered the words:


"I had to reset your old box so all your recordings are gone".


Gobby felt this was one message that should definitely be relayed to Billy Idle in his workplace, from a distance and with some hours' absorption and processing time.

And, after all, it shouldn't take him long to fill the additional new 2 terabytes and resume 'normal' proceedings.

Bringing up the Rear

Billy Idle and Gobby made a slightly tardy entrance to the Local, Gobby, to Billy's annoyance, having been fascinatingly waylaid by the potential outcome of the progress of the seven snails she had stopped to observe at the end of their road.

,







Tattoo pointed out:

"I bet Ol' blue Eyes had £3.00 on one of them."

As Billy had berated Gobby for lost time and route marched her the rest of the way to the Local he declared he had discovered a new event in which she would excel:


The 200 yard ****ing noise.

Pillage

 Despite, during a momentary lapse of concentration having placed a largely incorrect selection of tablets into Billy Idle's pillbox, missing out a few inherently vital to his survival, Gobby, on being questioned, insisted that she was in no way actually trying to kill him.

Master of None

After not missing a single episode and glued to the final, Gobby found it hard to shatter Billy Idle's delusion that, despite his truly astonishing repertoire of fried breakfast, pudding chips and beans and the seldom imitated 'Chip Bol', he was, notwithstanding, most probably not likely next year to be the second Masterchef champion from Oldham.

Snail Brain

Again Gobby despaired at Billy Idle's true lack of worldly knowledge.

As she was engaging the Regulars down the local with a fascinating insight into the world of molluscs, Billy made an untimely interruption demanding,

'Winkles and snails - how are they similar.?!'




Just for the record:

Go figure...

Box Clever (or not)

Tiring somewhat of the hype surrounding the  Mayweather - Pacquiao fight, the Regulars fondly remembered  the glory days of boxing.

One mused (and the jury is still out as to whether he can distinguish real life from fiction) that, back in the day,

"Rocky did alright - fighting Mr T. and that big Russian."




 














But, as Hamish felt the need to point out to him:

"Look what he's doing now.  Driving the Warburton's bread van."

Slapper

Gobby decided that, despite her manifest and overwhelming sexuality, perhaps thrusting it in Billy Idle's direction when he was trying to watch the TV had been, on reflection, a mistake.

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDVD

Gobby could not help be impressed that her mother, old Bernie, had not only acquired a DVD player but had worked out how to use it all by herself.


She just needs to work on not calling it a VD player now.

Mini-Park

Despite vehement protests and denials, not one of the Regulars believed that Gobby wasn't the guilty party in question on one of her regular visits to old friends and colleagues in Nottingham's fair city.

Moreover, it was not so much the sleight on her parking that caused the most offence, but  the fact that they were particularly convinced by the report stating the owner to be a middle-aged woman.