Preapostropherous

As the Regulars lamented the ever-declining standards in society, after some contemplation, even Jordan of her own admission not put on this earth to proofread, knew something was amiss when Billy Idle declared,



"And they've taken the apostrophe out of Waitrose now."

Spreading the Love

Even though the Regulars were well aware how much Spudgirl adored her job and relished every task she was given therein; even they were impressed by the effort she had made to make sure her dream industry made it through the recession.

Comfort Zone

With a new year upon the Shire it seemed only right that Billy Idle should re-embrace his many alter egos (remember Studyboy and Supershag,  The Hermit and England Clown amongst others) adding a new incarnation.

In an effort to improve his post-work wind down, comfort, relaxation and karma Billy considered yoga, Tai Chi, meditation, spiritual healing but eventually settled on becoming:







CAPTAIN SWEATPANTS

Who, disturbingly, was already well-known to several of the Regulars.

Prospecting

As Gobby prepared to move on to pastures new and a new challenge she tested Billy's water one last time in a final shot at becoming a lady of leisure to which she was succinctly informed,

"You either get a job or become my personal slave."

An declaration that made Gobby realise this would be,

"Just like normal but without a job, then."

Which put a whole new slant on her future intentions.

Moments to Treasure

As the Regulars contemplated a new year exercise regime during trips to the bar down the Local they noticed one of their number to have become particularly portly over the festive season.

Looking down at what had gone decidedly south he lamented,

"That used to be my chest."

To which Billy Idle added,

"You'd get some treasure in there!"

The Hole Truth

Tubthumper, renowned for being incomparably bashful when it comes to any matters involving 'down there' was horrified when, out of the blue, Spudgirl turned to him and enquired:


"Have you seen the hole in Gobby's arse?"


It was all they could do, whilst wafting him with anything that came to hand, to hastily explain the said reference merely involved a pruning incident and the seat of a pair of gardening trousers to bring both him and his blood pressure back to somewhere within the stratosphere.

N.B. Should anyone even dare to insinuate that being my actual petite well-formed derrière I will show you what I can really achieve with my loppers, believe me.

Resolute

Although not quite sure as to the precise catalyst, Gobby felt her new year resolution should be to get up and make a productive start to the day and not sit drinking tea in bed.

Fulfilment

On surviving the pre-one-day-closed-at-the-most grocery shopping frenzy, Gobby was delighted to have secured all that Billy Idle had requested or would need for a fulfilling Christmas.

Shipment

Gobby was delighted that, after much effort and some detriment to the other contents of his butty box, she had managed to ship off to work yet another piece of gift tat purchased for Billy thus removing it from the still extensive collection unfortunately still housed at home.

She also doubted any truth in the claim that her warning against purchasing such items for his recent birthday had truly reached Geo Jen and the Space Cadet too late to prevent them purchasing the following objet d'art:

In conclusion, she wondered if anyone else noticed a disturbing trend in Billy receiving gifts pertaining to his own excrement, or maybe these were simply this year's 'on trend' gifts in the Shire.

Ho Ho No

Although Gobby couldn't quite put her finger on it, there were just some subtle indications as to why, on so many levels, it might be advisable to spend Christmas week working from home rather than in the office.

Glad Tidings We (decided not to) Bring

The Regulars set out to spread some festive carol singing cheer.

But changed their minds on arriving at Hamish's abode and decided to go down the Local instead.

Mystery Shopper

Jordan and Gobby thought it would be an excellent idea to try out Barton's latest refurbished establishment on a quiet Friday afternoon.

http://www.thegeorgebarton.co.uk/


Or it would have been had Tweetie, the resident town liar whose company they had been expressly been avoiding lest they should have to endure this on an all-day beer trip that weekend, not been holding court at the bar subjecting all around to his extremely important business call to an imaginary recipient.

Luckily, Gobby felt she had, fortuitously, a perfect disguise to hand.

Hamming it up.

As an aid to guide Billy, should she ever dare to engage him in a similar pursuit again, Gobby devised a new and fun game to help him with family budgeting and to prevent him from being further raped by the supermarket giants.

To avoid any hideous confusion as on the last (probably last ever in his life) grocery shopping excursion in which she employed Billy, Gobby decided to keep the name, object and rules of the game as simple as possible (plus using the chickens as both an additional guide to size and price) entitling this:



HOW MUCH IS THE HAM???!!

And, should he still need a clue, he could always press the handy HINT button which would further assist him in avoiding any previously experienced purchasing errors by helpfully adding:




DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS GOING TO BE 4 ****ING POUNDS!!!

40 Not Out (or dead, remarkably).

It would appear that Billy's 1970s themed birthday party had been a success.

And that some guests had made stopped at nothing when it came to authenticity:

So another night of fun and frolics and the world's most expensive ham joint for the Regulars although they never did quite get to the bottom of who had arrived bearing gifts, drink and 6 cans of dog food.

Chill

As the bitter chill advanced in the Shire, Gobby and the other allegedly female of the Regulars were underwhelmed with the heating provision in the ladies toilets down the Local.

As Gobby eloquently explained,

"When the warmest thing in there is your own piss there is a definite cause for concern."

Mo No

It's so wrong.

That said, having given him substantial help above and beyond the call of duty in creating his Mo Space Gobby felt she may stand to benefit in some way despite being unlikely to suffer from men's cancer in the future:

Donate to me

Billy's Motivation

a rarely witnessed thing. 

 

Billy Idle

Thank you, Gobby darling, for your donation for which I cannot wait to repay you, umpteen times over, in whichever way you dictate.

2 December 2011

Billy Idle

My girlfriend, Gobby, is the absolute light of my life and I have no idea what I would do without this wonderful woman, constantly at my (constant) beck and call and who created this space for me on my behalf upon my instruction.

22 November 2011

But, and this time actually in his own words, Billy is sincerely grateful to everyone that sponsored him.

http://www.movember.com/m/2779240

Pom Pom

Despite their best efforts to reign in a collective sense of disappointment, the Regulars had to conclude that when Gobby has coquettishly told them she would, later in the evening, show them what she could do with her pompoms, they were expecting a slightly more impressive display.

Hellfire

The Regulars celebrated a marvellous Bonfire night in the local park.  This was doubly enhanced as they were able to watch the firework display both in the sky and beautifully reflected by Tattoo's head.

To which he retorted, had he known, he would have charged them double.

They were slightly less impressed by Gobby's bonfire food selection and her version of apple bobbing being trying to rescue the cremated remains of what was once a potato from the pit of Hades.

Although this scorching was nothing that couldn't be turned around by the introduction of middle-aged fun with sparklers and a splendid night had by all.

Filtered

All Gobby could say in mitigation was that, at the very least, and clutching at straws, this episode of Barton Lives could go some way to make up for those destined to remain, forever, in the washing machine filter.

Technoroll

Following a recent theme the Regulars were stunned by Hamish's picture.

Not as you understand that he may have, in point of fact, found someone lazier than Billy Idle.

But because the legendary technomuppet had managed to take, upload and successfully email a photo.

Trick or Treat - should have gone for Treat

As Halloween got into full swing Gobby realised, too late, that she had been misguided to allow Jordan and Tattoo to invite themselves round for the evening.

Ice Toad Ruckers

Setting out for a beer-filled excursion on a double-decker down the inaccessible back roads of the Shire, Gobby commented that in winter the route must be indubitably as treacherous as that undertaken by her heroes, the Ice Road Truckers.

Jordan confidently butted in with,

"Surely you mean: ITR!"

To which the best Gobby could counter with was,

"Well, almost..."

As suspected - not a truck in sight.

When the Chips are Down

It would be too demanding an undertaking to document the corresponding incident; however it can be assumed that Billy Idle had learnt a highly salutary life lesson from this in acknowledging,

“You can’t rinse chips.”

Take no Prisoners

Not content with stealing an honest local hard-working labourer's sand, it would seem that Spudgirl and Tubthumper were now intent on taking his business as well.