HD

As Jordan, delighted with her new phone showed off its new features and captured a moment of herself and Gobby down the Local that could only be described as gurning,  Ol' Blue Eyes declared it definitely to be in HD:

HORRIFIC DISPLAY.

A Guiding Light

It would seem neither Hamish's taste in decorations nor his long-documented relations with this neighbours had improved since last Christmas.

Surprise!

Spudgirl excelled herself in pulling off the surprise party of the year.

Needless to say the ever observant Tubthumper had been none the wiser.

The buffet and cake went down a treat.

And, for once, Tubthumper was not the only one to overindulge.

Meanwhile, the Regulars were stunned by Spudgirl's public display of warmth and friendliness.

And despite Bernie's refusal to tell her renowned vagina joke...

The evening was deigned a resounding success.

Deliverance

After a seemingly endless wait Gobby and Billy Idle were extremely relieved when their Chinese takeaway finally arrived.

That said, they did feel they could appreciate how the delay had ensued.

Ropey

Gobby was very impressed when Billy Idle informed her he had once tried his hand at "rope-walking."

Her disappointment was complete when, on enquiring further Billy realised the error of his words and had, in fact, once had a dabble in,

"Line dancing."

Smarting

Whilst Gobby lamented having the least smart phone of all the Regulars down the Local, Tubthumper expressed a liking for the new 'JCB phone'.

To which Ol' Blue Eyes declared he also could "really dig that!"

Impulse

Occasionally, Gobby had to admit, that not categorically every wondrous item  she bought from the mecca of Lidl was always the best idea and bargain that it seemed at the time of purchase.

Upstairs Downstairs

On the Regulars being subjected to one of Hamish's particularly lengthy and colourful rants regarding relations with his neighbours, Tattoo did feel the need to ask,

"Are you paranoid?"


Leading to the immediate response of,


"Who told you that?!"

Up the Wall

As Gobby and Billy Idle observed the following from the comfort of their King Size bed, bought especially for their family of Rupert Bears, they realised they had perhaps over-indulged them somewhat and that, without serious intervention, they may not grow up to be as intrepid as their recently observed Welsh cousin.

Compare and contrast:

Gardener's World

In a rare moment of fondness Billy Idle declared he,

"Really likes where we live now and the garden is much better for Gobby"

To which Ol' blue Eyes did remind him,

"Yes, but you don't have to leave her out all night!"

Spiked

Billy Idle found it very touching that, since the demise of his (allegedly) beloved cactus, (see A Prickly Subject) Hamish had searched far and wide for a suitable replacement.

Bugger

As the Regulars enquired as to the Tubthumper's new job he expressed deep concern over one of his new colleagues declaring:

"He's an MRSA carrier".

Leading Billy to enquire,

"Has he got it in a bag?"

Trick or Treat

The Regulars realised they were fighting an ever-losing battle as they had to point out the inappropriate nature of Hamish's Halloween costume.

And none of them dared to even contemplate the nature of the 'trick or treat'.

Blueprint

After a particularly audacious evening down the Local on the part of Tattoo led to multiple corporate reprimands the Regulars remarked that he would be "black and blue" by the end of the evening.


Or, after giving further thought to the matter, 'blue'.

Dry Humour

The Regulars looked on in hope that, after the third time of reiteration, Gobby would finally grasp Hellrunner's point in the following exchange:


"What is the most common cause of dry skin?"


"TOWELS"

Imposter

As the Regulars once more contemplated how the march of time and the ravages of age were not dealing them the kindest hand, Billy Idle declared his disconcertment in looking up at the mirror in the local takeaway and wondering,


"Whose that fat bald bloke waiting for my kebab?!"

Movement to Music

The Regulars were initially extremely impressed with Hamish's (deeply) hidden talents when he announced:

"Every time I have a crap the radio comes on downstairs."

Until they remembered he does actually live in a flat.

Mow-bility

The Regulars were relieved, on seeing the following, that the furthest Ol' Blue Eyes were to venture on vacation would be Great Yarmouth where he would be less tempted to commit a heinous crime.

Sing-a-long (if you dare)

The Regulars were somewhat concerned that, despite innumerable well-documented instances of participation, Tubthumper had apparently still failed to grasp the intricacies (few that they are) of sing-along-a-karaoke:

Sporting Legends

When Lord Coe and the government declared their hopes that the Olympics and Paralympics would inspire the nation to take up sport and exercise Gobby was, nevertheless, pretty sure the following was a far cry from what they had in mind:

The Grim Reality

Barely a day goes by where Gobby does not thank her lucky stars to no longer be working in education. 

Especially in Grimsby.

Watershed

Gobby was hugely grateful to the Regulars who kept her garden watered and plants from death while she and Billy went to worship at the altar of the Ice Road Truckers.

Both to Spudgirl for her diligence and efficiency and specific reporting on the proceedings.

And to the 'other helpful waterer' for the following:

PS - Have done my best to piddle on most plants and now have a bit of a rash from the plants more than 24 inches tall (think about it). Had a dizzy spell last night squeezing to wet the fruit bushes on the fence line. Watch your bottom and bits on the nettles.

PPS - Can you keep an eye open for a pair of missing pants, all removed for the piddle watering, a little silk thong with a picture of Susan Boyle on the front.

Safety

Gobby was not sure that she and the postman shared the same concept of 'safe place'.

Unceremonious

Whilst admiring the fantastic spectacle of the Olympic Games opening ceremony Gobby's full attention was distracted as she reiterated to Billy Idle for at least the 15th time:

"Just because you haven't heard of them doesn't mean they're 'not a real ****ing country'!"

Dropping a Clanger

After a particularly intense weekend Spudgirl and Tubthumper impressed upon the Regulars the risks and dangers involved in extreme campanology.

The Regulars nodded on collective agreement with Billy Idle concluding:

"You wouldn't want one to fall bell end down."

With Hamish adding,

"And what about your clapper?"

Tip

As the Regulars pondered topics of a random nature down the Local one evening Billy Idle declared:

"I got to 40 years old without knowing antlers have velvet."

Gobby felt compelled to add:

"To be fair, that's just the tip of your iceberg of ignorance."

Retreat

As Spudgirl and Tubthumper shared the details of their forthcoming idyllic retreat to a cottage in the middle of nowhere with no signal or TV reception Gobby declared to Billy Idle,

"That sounds lovely - we could do that!"

To which Billy reminded her,

"Yes, but they get on with each other."

Whilst thriftily adding:

"Let's just stay at home and cut the electric off."

In the Wrong

During a ritual complaint about Billy Idle down the Local Gobby made it clear to the Regulars that she fully understood he had to work away on occasions and had no issue with that.

Her issue came when he was:

"In the wrong hotel for the wrong meeting on the wrong day at the wrong time."

"When did this occur?"  enquired the Regulars.
 
"Tuesday" replied Billy, to which Tattoo clarified,

"Of next week."

Not so Well-suited

As Gobby and Billy Idle prepared for their impending trip (quite timely for them with a week still to go) Gobby returned home to find two spanking new suitcases awaiting her.

Looking them over she confirmed with Billy:

"I take it the one in your favourite shade of blue is yours and the only colour left over for me was bright orange?"

To which Billy explained,

"I was going to get two the same but they'd get muddled up."

To which Gobby felt the need to expound,

"But we'll be staying in the same room."

And didn't entirely concur with Billy's wisdom of:

"That's not the point.  If I lose you I want my own stuff!"

Stig of the Dump

After many recent happy hours spent dumpster diving Gobby lamented the removal of the neighbour's skip wistfully recounting she,

"Watched them take it away."

To which Tattoo felt it only fair to point out,

"She was still in it at the time."