All at sea

There are few communities to be found where the local residents could be said to supersede those of the hotbed of Barton when it comes to having their finger on the pulse where current affairs and matters of national importance are concerned.

It was then, with great consternation during this week's pub quiz down the Local that The Regulars shook their communal heads in dismay when unable to identify the pop star recently in court for chaining a male escort to a whale.

Fortunately, and with an uncanny degree of regularity lately, all was revealed on a reiteration of the question in hand by Quiz-mistress Dolly Parton and The Regulars were somewhat relieved to find out that, all Boy George had actually been arrested for was:






Chaining a male escort to a WALL.

Pure Mathematics

Knowledge and use of basic mathematics has always been an inherent and integral part of individual and group life and clearly never more so than amongst The Regulars when faced with the weekly intellectual challenge of pub quiz down The Local.

Whilst it is an accepted fact that, by the time the Renaissance was under way, scientists were beginning to grapple with new concepts and working out how mathematics could be used to explain the world around them, even the vast collective intellect of The Regulars and, indeed, a by now honorary Regular at pub quiz, Archimedes - a mathematical genius centuries ahead of his time, may have struggled to come to terms with with the particular complexity of the undeniably challenging pub quiz question of:

“Name the numeral system that represents numeric values using only the numbers 0 and 17.”

Were it not for a more meticulous re-reading of the question by Quiz-Mistress Dolly Parton and a hasty correction to,

“Actually, it’s 0, 1 and a question mark!”

there would have been a distinct possibility that The Regulars could have been puzzling yet.

Vaguely Familiar

It had been some months since Billy Idle saw fit to assume several aliases (for reference visit Barton Lives archives May 2006 to rekindle the friendship of 'Studyboy' and 'Supershag').


However, thanks to the all-consuming nature of his new employment, down the Local one Friday evening Ol' Blue Eyes did point out to all and sundry that he could indeed confirm a rare sighting of 'The Hermit'.

And Studyboy's trusty former superhero sidekick, Buyergirl, came up with a genius suggestion to save the world:

"Move his bed to The Local."

Heart-warming

Whilst trudging through the damp depressing shopping streets on a very grey Barton Monday, Gobby found her spirits lifted on seeing the welcoming lights of a cosy local establishment and popped in for a few moments of friendly cheer and respite from the dismal weather with a fellow Regular.

In fact, so warming a welcome did she receive from the ever benevolent shopkeeper, Mel Smith, that Gobby felt it only fair and just to return the favour and, bidding a cheery farewell, she offered to further enhance the appeal of his emporium to the good people of Barton by leaving the front door open to let in some heat.

Diagnosis

Whilst waiting in the doctor's surgery one morning with Zig covered, not in blue ink for a change, but in an outbreak of something even more unpleasant looking Pocahontas had a flash of inspiration.

As the doctor diagnosed chickenpox, with a streak of cunning and a mean look in her eye Pocahontas added,

"And isn't it true, Doctor, that Zig's chickenpox are a direct result of his playing his drums too loud?"

To which the Doctor, quick as a flash backed her up and reinforced this.

It would seem that Zig must have spent the rest of the day trying to process such a revelation and when Rick Francis returned home that evening and asked about his trip to the doctors Zig announced with great conviction that he was indeed suffering from:

"CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS!"

Make mine a large one

Rick Francis decided to brighten up a potentially dull November day by issuing a new challenge to The Regulars:

"Now the voting is hotting up. Who will be the sexiest male this month? "

Gobby had to admit, as she viewed the competition, that she was not entirely convinced by Rick's words of reassurance as he threw down the gauntlet:

"You do realise that if Billy wins this months sexiest man, you will NEVER be able to complain about his weight again. If all female Tiscali voters reckon it's sexy to be........................ let's say cuddly, then you should happy. "

And she had to admit,

"There is just the timiest piece of nagging doubt in my mind that makes me wonder if all women would actually think that...

Can't think why..."

However, in desperation she begged anyone who might be foolhardy enough to cast a vote in the correct direction

but was only cast into further doubt when Evil Twin, after helping with the cause saw fit to point out:

i like it how at the end of the link below it says....

large1

hmmmm!!

http://www.tiscali.co.uk/community/galleries/rate/community/sexymale-november2007/large/1

Daylight Robbery

It is not often that Robin Get meets his match in 21st century 'rip-off Britain' but on this occasion Santa's little helpers certainly had not provided the best of "Offers Yule Love" and would have been best advised to run for cover when he vented his displeasure at a particularly "SPECIAL OFFER" of 6 baking potaotes for a snip of a price at only:

FOUR POUNDS FIFTY FACKING SIX!!

Why Hamish is not allowed to work in an office

The Regulars had been concerned at Hamish's seemingly recent lack of job satisfaction, multiple career paths and, moreover, his need to vacate The Local at a reasonable hour on Friday evenings to pursue his chosen course.

However, after much discussion it was mutually agreed that there were far more unsuitable career choices he could have made...