A Match Made in Heaven

After a delightful Sunday spent devoted to darts and snooker, unwashed and immobile in front of the TV, Gobby turned to Billy Idle and whispered lovingly,

"I bet you never realised I could be this chav."

Confirming this Billy replied,

"No, my darling, and I bet you never thought I could be either."





Some moments are so beautiful that words would only spoil them.

Family Fun

Although truly stunned by his performance, the organisers of Barton Christmas Festival had to conclude that Hamish was not quite what they were looking for by way of a children's entertainer.

Questionable

The Regulars were initially jubilant to hear Rick Francis was planning one of his much-loved music quizzes.

Until they realised the limited extent of his progress:



"Sat watching telly this morning, I had a thought that could possibly beat Billy's knobbly steering wheel thought.

Whilst watching a piece about the Christmas No1 song and if it will be X Factor again, I thought of a good music quiz question that would have people thinking;

How many Christmas number ones have there been since 1960?

I quickly realised that it wouldn't take that much thinking about."

Sweet Nothings

The Regulars felt compelled to break it to Hamish that they may have discovered the reaon for his lack of success online dating.

New Friends

On a recent weekend away it became apparent that Spudgirl was, as suspected, not as enamoured with making 'new friends' as Gobby.

The Art of Communication

During yet another hard day 'working from home', Gobby mused over the commentator's remarks on a fascinating documentary she was watching on prairie dogs during a well-earned respite from the arduous morning's laborial proceedings:

"Can these simple-looking creatures really be capable of complex communication?"

After some consideration Gobby felt that, indeed, quite probably they could, somewhat on a par with the Regulars at chucking out time on a weekend.

Just in Time

Much consternation broke out amongst the Regulars, in particular with Spudgirl, as they tried to ascertain just exactly what they had overheard Gobby ask Tubthumper to show her down the Local.

Thankfully, the uprising was promptly quelled when Gobby reiterated it had been in relation to his CLOCK.

Touching

The thoughtfulness that Tattoo had employed in choosing Billy Idle's pillow-soft birthday present almost brought a tear to his eye.




















Much in the way that Gobby's usual preferred choice of recycled toilet roll invariably did.



(Should you have missed out on this previously view December 2007 - Billy's Buttocks)

The Appliance of Science

After successfully purchasing a replacement freezer after theirs spontaneously combusted (not to mention a 32" TV for the bedroom which must have myseteriously fallen into Billy Idle's basket on the way to the till) the Regulars lamented the undeniable truth that household appliances are simply not built to last like in the old days.

Billy Idle felt that he must protest at this, however, declaring that his hoover had been in excellent working order for some 10 years now.

To which the Regulars reminded him that said items did actually have to be put to some occasional use if they were ever to enter the danger zone of wearing out.

In Fine Shape

After a resplendent three-course meal down the 'New Local', many of the Regulars has consumed so much fine food they were in danger of bursting.

Billy Idle, however, denied any over-indulgence declaring he had 'the body of an athlete.

And, indeed, this was indisputable:























When often asked how he manages to keep in such shape Billy invariably advises his followers that, there could be no denial that 'round' is a shape.

Additions

Jordan & Tubthumper disputed the number of rounds they had consumed down the Local and, with some underestimation on his part, a deeply intellectualy and philosophical debate ensued between the pair:

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

After some time had passed, realising it was somewhat unfair to subject those of the Regulars of a lesser cognitive ability to the aforesaid repartee, Jordan suggested the confabulation in question could be clarified by the application of the equally learned discipline of mathematics by calculating the number of essential snacks he had consumed with each accompanying round.

And, indeed on adding his:
Bacon Fries,
peanuts,
Cheesy Moments,
crisps
and
pork scratchings

Tubthumper conceded,

"I've had five."

and the conversation thankfully returned to less high-brow matters.

Job Satisfaction

As the Regulars marvelled at Hamish's ability to have held down his current job long enough for this to have been 'caught on camera' and passed around the Local he did admit to a couple of other failed attempts alomg the employment road of which they had previously been unaware.

Namely his unsuccessful forays into the world of Librarianship and Advice Columnist:


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,

'Excuse me, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which he stops doing his tasks, looks at him over the top of his glasses and says,


'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

******************************

Dear Hamish,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Hamish

Souper!

Although she could not be entirely sure what gave it away, Gobby felt The German was not adhering to the agreement of taking it in turns to provide a delicious HOME-MADE nutritious soup each week at work.












Admittedly though the end result was impressive.

In fact, if you've tried Cup-a-Soup why not move on to Cup-o-Sick?

Bye Bye Baby

Try as she might Gobby was having great difficulty pointing out Billy Idle's fearsome sartorial errors.

He even attempted to brush off the frightening nature of this week's monstrosity declaring,

"Checks are in".













It was to be hoped that Ol' Blue Eyes, who himself once appeared down the Local seemingly disguised as Tattoo and Jordan's bathroom suite, may have made him see the light by enquiring as to when Billy was likely to burst into a chorus of 'Shang-a-lang'.

Ideal Woman

The Regulars were surprised but delighted when they came across Hamish's ideal woman on a recent visit to a Health Spa:

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HADTO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!



(Should you need further clarification please visit July 2006 - The Fax is the future (cunningly stored under 2007 under an unfortunate banning from Microsoft spaces incident!))

Giddy-up

During a typical Saturday afternoon well-spent letting the turf accountant manage his finances for him, Ol' Blue Eyes felt he must surely be on a winner when he saw the favourite's jockey drop his whip and fall back.

However as his own jockey began to lose ground, passed his whip on to his rival who then whipped the favourite to a resounding win Ol' blues Eyes had to accept that today just might not be the day.

Heartwarming

As the weather made a decidedly unpleasant turn and as the Regulars struggled an extra 50 yards to the REPLACEMENT LOCAL they at least felt some warmth and cheer when Hamish, a yet to be discovered and undercelebrated poet, penned a beautiful ode:

' WINTER ' a poem by Hamish

F**k Me!
It's Cold!