A Tale from the Inferno courtesy of the Dark Lord:
It has not been a good day for the Dark Lord.
The Dark Lady is unhappy and I am having trouble with the old boiler.
The problem?
Well, it was time for the annual central heating service as it had not been done for three years.
Trying to get a plumber to visit Gothic Towers had so far proved impossible.
David Attenborough was planning to produce a documentary on these elusive creatures but decided against it after an unsuccessful attempt to get a bath tap washer replaced.
Instead he used his budget to go in search of the dodo.
This morning one of these shy creatures bravely approached the main entrance carrying a bag of strange jingly things.
They can be tempted into the open by the sound of rustling £20 notes.
Before he could change his mind I opened the door a fraction and grabbed him by the arm.
I pulled him in so quickly that it left his boots spinning on the doorstep.
After bolting the door I propelled him into the boiler room where the Dark Lady was in waiting.
After we had plied him with herbal tea (we make it from those strange mushrooms which grow on the dung heap) his mood lifted to a new plane.
He doffed his cap and announced to the Dark Lady that he would give her a good servicing at which she promptly disappeared down into the dungeon.
The now happy plumber began to dismantle our heating system with relish while joyfully explaining the principles of the balanced flue and the ratio of BTU’s to gas cubic meters.
He thoughtfully scratched his head (something workmen do) as he explained that we had a cracked burner and it would have to be replaced.
He then began to scratch his crotch (something mechanics do before telling you of a serious problem) and said that the heat exchanger had been leaking for some time.
Also our “single pipe” system was out of date and would have to be upgraded.
What this means in English is that a new boiler will have to be fitted and the full system of pipes and radiators replaced.
As the Dark Lady returned from the dungeon (I think she had been to feed the last plumber who visited) he explained that he would need to alter some of her plumbing and inspect her flue.
I haven’t seen her since.
Apparently we will have to have something called a Condescending Boiler.
A shame really. The old boiler had been a bargain.
We bought it second hand from the council when they put new burners in the crematorium.
A really useful purchase, not only did it heat the mansion and provide endless hot water, there was room inside to have a hog-roast when we entertained.
The Dark Lord
(The only Goth in the Village)
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