Reel Time

As Billy Idle and Gobby briefly contemplated packing ready to move Gobby couldn't help but point out it would be a far less arduous task should Billy rid him self of the many trappings of his misspent youth starting, for instance with a spare room full of the previous millennium's worth of video tapes he continued to assure her would one day be digitised then taking up only cyberspace.

Weary of such empty promises Gobby derisively enquired as to how long it would take to complete such a task:

Not for the first time the Regulars looked on mockingly as Billy scorned her lamentable mathematical ability breaking the information down into small steps he believed she may be able to understand beginning with,



"It takes 3 hours for a 3 hour tape."

A - Peeling

Despite their best efforts and constant denial the Regulars, on occasions, were compelled to reluctantly admit they were not as youthful as in bygone days.

None more so as when Imelda reached into her bag for her mobile phone only to find she had inadventently brought the household potato peeler instead.

After smugly enquiring as to were it only after struggling to get a reception that she had noticed her mistake and had she been half way through a bag of spuds before she came out but had to stop when she ran out of credit the Regulars did go on to reassure Imelda that, on returning home, she was bound to find her phone safely in the dishwasher.

Always keen to help they were only to keen to let her know that, on returning from the toilet, she had a missed call from King Edward.

The Regulars great lament was that Spudgirl had not been present to witness the spectacle but assured Imelda they would let her know and she would no doubt text her some chips later.

At the end of the evening the Regulars felt it necessary to warn Imelda to pay far more attention or be prepared for even more unpleasant consequences of further confusion.

A Thin Line

As one of Billy Idle's dismal jokes failed to raise the slightest glimmer from Imelda, Ol' Blue Eyes enquired,

"When did you find out you're not as funny as you thought you were?"

To which Billy defended himself declaring,

"I'm not wasting my best material on her!"

Brotherley Love

As the Local's somewhat alarming alternative to Jedward failed to show any fraternal love with one returning from the bar with just a single pint, much to the other's consternation, Ol' Blue Eyes couldn't help but show his concern exclaiming,


"I hope you never need a kidney!"

A Bridge too Far

As Hamish yet again contemplated his career path the Regulars reminded him his architect days had not proved a resounding success.

Visitation

As a protest against the recent slur on Orange Woman's upstanding teutonic character, Gobby was compelled to quote the following reply:

"Orange woman would like to reassure all residents of the back of beyond place that is Barton that she indeed has every intention of gracing the local hostelry (where, apparently, you all reside 24/7) with her presence before the days grow shorter again.

She is currently receiving therapy to prepare her for the trip."

This feeling was possibly exacerbated on her finding that the following web forum question had remained unanswered for 3 years:

Leading her to believe:

"the fact that no-one has answered the post heightens my fears that Billy is right….no-one ever leaves Barton alive……."

Invitation

As Jordan yet again lamented the continued lack of visitation of her imaginary friend Orange Woman to the Shire, Gobby tried to console her by assuring her she would issue yet another invitation.

To which Billy Idle countered that the Regulars were perhaps counterproductive in their methods and, should they adopt the alternative approach of not inviting her, she might just turn up.




Adding that this approach had been highly effective when it came to her compatriots and Poland.

If it comes from Essex it is to be feared

The Regulars always feared quite what they would be faced with on occasions when Spudgirl unwisely left the gentility of the Shire when recalled to her native Essex.

The effects were relatively mild on this occasion, only presenting a chavtastic gift of the smallest proportions of a pin to Billy Idle on her return.

Indeed, perhaps more concern should be given to Billy's response whose initial delight diffused to mild disappointed when he realised that the proffered item was not, in fact, an earring.

Fully Fermented

The Regulars had been eagerly anticipating their brewery tour and day out, their enthusiasm only slightly tempered on realising they could not escape being accompanied by Barton's resident liar and grand master of unadulterated hyperbole.

However, they were soon compelled to humility when, as can be seen from the ensuing pictorial evidence, their concerns were unfounded as Tweety eagerly took full part in the proceedings leading to no cause of embarrassment whatsoever:

Paying attention to the brewer:














Taking in all the information:




















Admiring the equipment:




















Sharing a joke:














Raising a toast:














All in all a truly memorable experience.

A Hard Day's Night

Hellrunner was delighted when, after many weeks of encouragement, Tufty finally deigned to join her and the Regulars down the Local.

Her delight was, however, somewhat short-lived when, at 1.00pm the following afternoon, with Tufty dangling a magnet through their letterbox, they were still endeavouring to make it home from the aforementioned night out.

Bottle Shock

After a hard day's slog decorating their new house, Rupert Kidnapper and Manic Miner tentatively enjoy a glass of explosive wine from Tubthumper's home brewery.












When Gobby pointed out that her stock had opened with no trace of volatility Manic Miner pointed out:

"The apple wine opens beautifully when requested. However, it tends to open on its own when least expected with spectacular results."

On hearing that said results has resulted in a kitchen complete with traumatised dog dripping in explosive residue Spudgirl was beside herself in seeking appropriate words of grovelling apology urging Tubthumper to assist her in calming the (somewhat sticky) waters.

Tubthumper ever supportive of his wife and a master of rational debate helpfully added,




"Did they like it?"

Creature Comforts

As Tattoo tried to ruin a potentially pleasant evening for Gobby by informing Billy Idle that one of his current favourite works of cinematic genius was being screened yet again that evening, namely the unsurpassed Kung Fu Panda,














Gobby could at least take some satisfaction in informing him that Billy had, since his cultural visit to Whitby Museum, moved on from a ridiculous animated bear to a far superior influence of his latest favourite creature to be revered, namely Narwhals.

And you can see why:

Circadian Clock

As the Regulars, ever up to date with cutting edge news, discussed the recent scientific revelation that, due to evolutionary processes, reindeer have been able to switch off their internal body clock Hamish lamented,

"I can turn everything off, including women."

Public Service Announcement

As the Regulars excitedly counted down the weeks to the impending canal boat sojourn Gobby considered it only fair to provide an announcement warning of the true horror involved in sharing confined sleeping quarters with Billy Idle:



Not to mention praying there were no amorous moose to be found grazing the banks alongside their chosen route due the somewhat alarming similarity: