An Evening to Ponder

During a typical evening of non-sequiturious utterances down the Local, which, for the Regulars invariably constitutes said typical evening, the following were worthy of report:

"We were still born in 1969."

"You were still born?"




As Jordan lamented on never having met her fantasy Facebook friend, Orange Woman, she pondered,

"I think she's a myth."

At which Billy Idle enquired,

"She's not married, then?"



Discussing when one of their number had returned much the worse for wear from a beer-related event when Billy Idle had packed Gobby off home declaring that any attempt at communication with her that evening was,

'Like doing an autopsy on a live kangaroo'.

Gobby reminded him that he himself did not live in a glass house (no doubt to the great relief of the neighbours at undressing time) and he could not be held blameless on intoxicating outings, invariably losing or destroying some aspect of his personal belongings, this time being his mobile phone stylus.

However Hamish generous to a fault as ever and a legend in the embrace of new technologies came to the rescue declaring,

"I've got a spare stylus - plays all my 78s."













On hearing on the local news that someone had held up a Bookies in Leeds Hamish had to ask,

"What are the odds on that?"









Proceeding at an alarming rate towards, through and over to the dark side of middle age the Regulars reminisced about times gone by as Gobby mused,

"Do you remember when cash machines did fivers?"

Which produced a decidedly alarming revelation from Rick Francis who announced,

"I only had £8 in my account the other day so I went into the bank and asked the cashier if I gave her £2 could she give me a tenner so she did."

As the rest of the Regulars stared at him with obvious incredulity it took Rick some time to absorb the validity of their words as they had to iterate:

"Why didn't you just ask to take your £8 out?"

















Discussing the fineries of British cuisine the following query arose:

"Don't you find when you have a McDonald's for breakfast you have a big shit at lunchtime?

To which Billy Idle did counter with,

"No, I usually just get a sandwich from ASDA."




















As the conversation invariably turned to matters green with much under the table vegetable bartering Gobby wistfully commented that,

"My melons didn't grow this year."

To which Jordan pointed out,

"Nothing wrong with my melons!"



























Contorting on his bar stool Billy Idle declared,

"This shirt is smaller than it used to be!"

Pointing out the unlikelihood of this Gobby did have to gently enquire,

"Are you not just fatter?"

to which Billy did have to admit there was a strange correlation between,

"The more I eat, the more the washer shrinks my clothes."


















Tattoo lamented that in his youth,

"I had a big chopper"

Leading to replies of,

"What about your scooter?"

And,

"Well, you are black."


On talking to their aforementioned neighbours Jordan informed Gobby that,

"Jane had one of your problems tonight!"

Perhaps it would have been prudent to think before speaking but, unlikely to break the habit of a lifetime, Gobby enquired,

"Why, did you wet yourself?"

Jordan tried to smooth over this misconception explaining,

"No, she broke her bracelet playing with it."

But Gobby, now on a 'make friends and influence people roll' added,

"Were you having a fiddle?"

To the horror of the collective neighbours who protested,

"You can't ask that in public!"





And finally the Regulars rolled their eyes on hearing that Spudgirl and Tubthumper had planned ahead and filled their diary up until the 2012 Olympics.

In her defence Spudgirl declared,

"Apparently we're the organised Bennetts."

To which Billy Idle, with a wry smile corrected her pointing out,

"No apparently required."