A Guiding Light

It would seem neither Hamish's taste in decorations nor his long-documented relations with this neighbours had improved since last Christmas.

Surprise!

Spudgirl excelled herself in pulling off the surprise party of the year.

Needless to say the ever observant Tubthumper had been none the wiser.

The buffet and cake went down a treat.

And, for once, Tubthumper was not the only one to overindulge.

Meanwhile, the Regulars were stunned by Spudgirl's public display of warmth and friendliness.

And despite Bernie's refusal to tell her renowned vagina joke...

The evening was deigned a resounding success.

Deliverance

After a seemingly endless wait Gobby and Billy Idle were extremely relieved when their Chinese takeaway finally arrived.

That said, they did feel they could appreciate how the delay had ensued.

Ropey

Gobby was very impressed when Billy Idle informed her he had once tried his hand at "rope-walking."

Her disappointment was complete when, on enquiring further Billy realised the error of his words and had, in fact, once had a dabble in,

"Line dancing."

Smarting

Whilst Gobby lamented having the least smart phone of all the Regulars down the Local, Tubthumper expressed a liking for the new 'JCB phone'.

To which Ol' Blue Eyes declared he also could "really dig that!"

Impulse

Occasionally, Gobby had to admit, that not categorically every wondrous item  she bought from the mecca of Lidl was always the best idea and bargain that it seemed at the time of purchase.

Upstairs Downstairs

On the Regulars being subjected to one of Hamish's particularly lengthy and colourful rants regarding relations with his neighbours, Tattoo did feel the need to ask,

"Are you paranoid?"


Leading to the immediate response of,


"Who told you that?!"

Up the Wall

As Gobby and Billy Idle observed the following from the comfort of their King Size bed, bought especially for their family of Rupert Bears, they realised they had perhaps over-indulged them somewhat and that, without serious intervention, they may not grow up to be as intrepid as their recently observed Welsh cousin.

Compare and contrast:

Gardener's World

In a rare moment of fondness Billy Idle declared he,

"Really likes where we live now and the garden is much better for Gobby"

To which Ol' blue Eyes did remind him,

"Yes, but you don't have to leave her out all night!"

Spiked

Billy Idle found it very touching that, since the demise of his (allegedly) beloved cactus, (see A Prickly Subject) Hamish had searched far and wide for a suitable replacement.

Bugger

As the Regulars enquired as to the Tubthumper's new job he expressed deep concern over one of his new colleagues declaring:

"He's an MRSA carrier".

Leading Billy to enquire,

"Has he got it in a bag?"

Trick or Treat

The Regulars realised they were fighting an ever-losing battle as they had to point out the inappropriate nature of Hamish's Halloween costume.

And none of them dared to even contemplate the nature of the 'trick or treat'.

Blueprint

After a particularly audacious evening down the Local on the part of Tattoo led to multiple corporate reprimands the Regulars remarked that he would be "black and blue" by the end of the evening.


Or, after giving further thought to the matter, 'blue'.

Dry Humour

The Regulars looked on in hope that, after the third time of reiteration, Gobby would finally grasp Hellrunner's point in the following exchange:


"What is the most common cause of dry skin?"


"TOWELS"

Imposter

As the Regulars once more contemplated how the march of time and the ravages of age were not dealing them the kindest hand, Billy Idle declared his disconcertment in looking up at the mirror in the local takeaway and wondering,


"Whose that fat bald bloke waiting for my kebab?!"

Movement to Music

The Regulars were initially extremely impressed with Hamish's (deeply) hidden talents when he announced:

"Every time I have a crap the radio comes on downstairs."

Until they remembered he does actually live in a flat.

Mow-bility

The Regulars were relieved, on seeing the following, that the furthest Ol' Blue Eyes were to venture on vacation would be Great Yarmouth where he would be less tempted to commit a heinous crime.

Sing-a-long (if you dare)

The Regulars were somewhat concerned that, despite innumerable well-documented instances of participation, Tubthumper had apparently still failed to grasp the intricacies (few that they are) of sing-along-a-karaoke:

Sporting Legends

When Lord Coe and the government declared their hopes that the Olympics and Paralympics would inspire the nation to take up sport and exercise Gobby was, nevertheless, pretty sure the following was a far cry from what they had in mind:

The Grim Reality

Barely a day goes by where Gobby does not thank her lucky stars to no longer be working in education. 

Especially in Grimsby.

Watershed

Gobby was hugely grateful to the Regulars who kept her garden watered and plants from death while she and Billy went to worship at the altar of the Ice Road Truckers.

Both to Spudgirl for her diligence and efficiency and specific reporting on the proceedings.

And to the 'other helpful waterer' for the following:

PS - Have done my best to piddle on most plants and now have a bit of a rash from the plants more than 24 inches tall (think about it). Had a dizzy spell last night squeezing to wet the fruit bushes on the fence line. Watch your bottom and bits on the nettles.

PPS - Can you keep an eye open for a pair of missing pants, all removed for the piddle watering, a little silk thong with a picture of Susan Boyle on the front.

Safety

Gobby was not sure that she and the postman shared the same concept of 'safe place'.

Unceremonious

Whilst admiring the fantastic spectacle of the Olympic Games opening ceremony Gobby's full attention was distracted as she reiterated to Billy Idle for at least the 15th time:

"Just because you haven't heard of them doesn't mean they're 'not a real ****ing country'!"

Dropping a Clanger

After a particularly intense weekend Spudgirl and Tubthumper impressed upon the Regulars the risks and dangers involved in extreme campanology.

The Regulars nodded on collective agreement with Billy Idle concluding:

"You wouldn't want one to fall bell end down."

With Hamish adding,

"And what about your clapper?"

Tip

As the Regulars pondered topics of a random nature down the Local one evening Billy Idle declared:

"I got to 40 years old without knowing antlers have velvet."

Gobby felt compelled to add:

"To be fair, that's just the tip of your iceberg of ignorance."

Retreat

As Spudgirl and Tubthumper shared the details of their forthcoming idyllic retreat to a cottage in the middle of nowhere with no signal or TV reception Gobby declared to Billy Idle,

"That sounds lovely - we could do that!"

To which Billy reminded her,

"Yes, but they get on with each other."

Whilst thriftily adding:

"Let's just stay at home and cut the electric off."

In the Wrong

During a ritual complaint about Billy Idle down the Local Gobby made it clear to the Regulars that she fully understood he had to work away on occasions and had no issue with that.

Her issue came when he was:

"In the wrong hotel for the wrong meeting on the wrong day at the wrong time."

"When did this occur?"  enquired the Regulars.
 
"Tuesday" replied Billy, to which Tattoo clarified,

"Of next week."

Not so Well-suited

As Gobby and Billy Idle prepared for their impending trip (quite timely for them with a week still to go) Gobby returned home to find two spanking new suitcases awaiting her.

Looking them over she confirmed with Billy:

"I take it the one in your favourite shade of blue is yours and the only colour left over for me was bright orange?"

To which Billy explained,

"I was going to get two the same but they'd get muddled up."

To which Gobby felt the need to expound,

"But we'll be staying in the same room."

And didn't entirely concur with Billy's wisdom of:

"That's not the point.  If I lose you I want my own stuff!"

Stig of the Dump

After many recent happy hours spent dumpster diving Gobby lamented the removal of the neighbour's skip wistfully recounting she,

"Watched them take it away."

To which Tattoo felt it only fair to point out,

"She was still in it at the time."

Return to Sender (please!)

The Regulars sat back stunned at the "one-eyed, one-horned giant purple people eater" descended amongst them down the Local and Gobby admitted to having been remiss in allowing unsupervised internet shopping to occur.

As the Regulars berated Gobby on her lack of supervision Billy Idle did protest that,

"None of you have to wear it."

To which they chorused,

"No, but we have to look at it."

Undeterred by their collective abhorrence and so keen to maximise his most misguided purchase to date Billy Idle further stunned the Regulars by being prepared to forgo his month Farmers' Market porky pie day.

Spudgirl, Fat Club weigh-in guru soon banged him to rights concluding,

"Slimming won't help that."

Struggling for a solution to the retina-burning apparition in their midst Gobby proposed an unfortunate laundry accident but felt.

"The chances of it running are also pretty slim."

As Billy added, particularly so,

"Unless someone else is wearing it!"

Ol' Blue Eyes concluded the debate pronouncing he,

"Wished it would run and jump off the bridge."

In-Breeding

The Regulars were slightly concerned as to the approach to animal care by one of their number.

But they were soon reassured that the cat was simply, like everything else to be found in the Shire, in-bred.

Rat Pack

Gobby couldn't help but wonder why she has been so hesitant in alerting the neighbours to the one-eyed rat infestation issue as they could not have been more keen to help with the extermination.

Although she could not help but feel the eye-patch to be somewhat excessive.

Window Dressing

As Gobby and Billy expressed their horror at the result of the escalation of their neighbours' domestic altercations Gobby despaired for the children involved lamenting,

"You know what they're going to become."

And the Regulars sagely concluded.

"Glaziers or removal men."

Pole Position

Gobby was relieved to put to rest once and for all the unkind allegation that there was any resemblance  whatsoever between Bernie Ecclestone and her mother. 

Thank goodness for that.

Window of Opportunity

As the plus-four element of the Regulars stupefied the others with yet another repeated tale from the ghost of golfing holidays past with this particular anecdote from Tattoo:

"The last time we went to Funky Gorilla they had those Sioux Indians with pan pipes!  "And when we went back the next year they were still there!"

Gobby rolled her eyes at a distinct lack of cultural understanding and Ol' Blue Eyes helpfully added,

"Maybe they had a reservation."

Jordan concluded, against her better judgement that it might be time for them to take another trip, if only to provide a new chapter of tedious stories.  Gobby added, however, that as they had ignored the fact that Billy Idle's migratory sister had spent the last year living on a golf course but had now moved on so they had, effectively, missed their window.

To which Billy added, this was unexpected as,

"I don't usually miss many windows when I'm golfing."

Head Scratching

After years of denial Billy Idle scratched his balding ginger head and, with a expression falling somewhere between horror and tragedy, finally admitted:

"I really don't have any hair left at the back at all, do I?"

Caught on the spot Gobby did her utmost to react positively and assuage his pain but realised, from his expression, she had fallen woefully short of the mark with her observation of:


"Well, there's a bit left - you know, like you sometimes get on a pork scratching."

Stunned

On occasion the Regulars were lost for fitting answers to each other's enquiries plunging the Local into a stunned silence.

The latest from Spudgirl being a case in point with:


"Did you go home last night and google penguins?"

Tash

The Regulars were disappointed with Billy Idle's woeful lack of classic car knowledge when, on choking on his pint as Gobby made reference to a Lamborghini Countach, he was heard to exclaim:

"And what's that?!  A moustache on a woman?!!"

BOGOF

As Gobby began to prepare herself for the forthcoming fun-packed weekend involving beer, friends, Whitby, her mother and some nuns and still not being sure where the nuns came in Billy Idle did not help the situation recounting anecdotes from his Catholicism-filled past.

To curtail the stream of disturbing memories Gobby pointed out that these were an entirely different breed being Anglican nuns.

To which Hamish helpfully added:

"You buy one - you get one free!"

"I said you buy one - you get one free!"

Delivery

After a weekend crisis down the Leisure Centre caused Gobby to rouse a lactophobic and narcoleptic Billy Idle to deliver emergency supplies the Regulars could only conclude, on the reported arrival of these some hours later that they did indeed, call him Billy,



"And he drove the slowest milk cart in the east."

Snooker Loopy

As the Regulars settled down for the excitement of a fortnight's snooker viewing, during one particular session they could only hope, for the well-being of all those in attendance, that Ol' Blue Eyes had too opted to view from the comfort of his armchair and was not visiting the venue in person.

A Whale of a Time

As Ol' Blue Eyes lamented the retraction of free over 60's swimming, despite never actually having availed himself of the privilege, the Regulars pointed out that maybe the price reflected the more likely need for medical attention. 

Billy Idle immediately disputed this stating,

"You should see the need when I try."

Countered by Hamish who added,

"You need Greenpeace."

Hairy Daze

Sometimes Tattooo had to admit his personal inadequacies could be a blessing rather than a curse:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG0YDNHD/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R231U4ZG0YDNHD

Little House on the Prairie

Despite Billy Idle's protestations to the contrary Gobby insisted that, when on the verge of losing their children therein, grass-cutting had reached crisis point.

Heads a Shed

As the Regulars failed to believe Tattoo had not learned from his previous shed experience (see Penny for your Thoughts) Billy Idle, in particular disbelief added insult to injury in asking,

"Were you stood on something?"

Grand

The Regulars couldn't help but feel Ol' Blue Eyes had overestimated his talents somewhat.

Offer of the Month

Gobby never ceased to be amazed by Barton's cutting edge approach to 21st century retail.

There are, after all, some things you can never have too many of:

A Refreshing Change

It was only after imbibing that Tubthumper realised the flaw in his plan.

Admittedly he had wanted to be 'refreshed' but preferably 'refreshed' and 'pissed.'

Warriors

It was apparent some of the Regulars were more delighted with the latest Warriors win than others:

Old Friends

After the Terrible Demise of his favourite 'restaurant', see Little Death, Billy took the unprecedented step of a Sunday outing to the least distant establishment where, he declared his 'Olympic' experience to be:

"Like eating an old friend."