A Moving Experience

Billy Idle woke up to realise Bernie was always on hand to add that extra dimension to any celebration:

But a birthday visit would be nothing to the revelation that she was imminently MOVING TO THE SHIRE.

Stud

After a fascinating and timely visit to study the wildlife of Doncaster, Gobby was fascinated to read about breeding and the existence of a Studbook.

Billy Idle was visibly far less surprised declaring:

"I'm in it."

Amazing Feat

Just when Gobby felt Billy Idle may be making some progress in his skewed view of the world around him he threw this particular observational curve-ball her way:

"Feet are brilliant, you know."

Ale Calm on the T-shirt Front

Never one to turn down a good beer and prepared to try anything once, even Gobby felt there were times where the consequences of a fine real ale could cause her customary levels of unfailing calm to falter.

A Touch Too Much

On selecting an outfit and observing Gobby's raised eyebrows, Billy Idle realised that maybe no sentence should start with the phrase:


"Have a look at my T-shirt  and tell me if there is too much bolognaise down the front..."

Raising the Roof

Utterly exasperated by Tattoo's many shed-related mishaps Jordan declared:

"When we get a new shed we're having it built 7 foot high so he doesn't bang his head.

Not wishing to offend, but aware of the current price of wood on the open market, the Regulars took a good look at Tattoo's statuesque frame and suggested:

"Why don't you just make it 5 foot?"

No No No November

Gobby could only sigh as she imagined Billy idle's impending mood swings during his self-imposed:

NOBACONVEMBER

Moral Fibre

Always prepared to pander to Billy Idle's every whim, not to mention scared of the consequences should this particular matter not be addressed, Gobby was only too pleased to fulfil Billy's urgent demands for 'more fibre'.

And, as ever, the Gods of Heron Foods had been listening to the tune of 3 packs for £1.20.

Although, judging by the stock levels and price point, she couldn't help feeling that Danone may have come to rue their money back guarantee.

Train the Trainer

Not wishing to brag about her intellectual ability, Gobby could not help feeling, however, a degree of smugness at how well she was doing on the compulsory training modules at work.

Especially taking into consideration the degree of complexity involved.

Carrotfest

After months of anticipation Judgement Day was finally upon the Shire.





After an arduous morning's harvesting:




















The Regulars wheeled their mighty produce to the judging ground to be joined by several new friends such as The Wurzels plus a 'Kim & Taren' that nobody could actually remember inviting.

 But they all soon became firm friends with welcoming banter along the lines of:

"I love your novelty west-country accent!"

"Thanks, I'm from Bristol."



After anxious final preparation:

The specimens and owners lined up in the show ring:
























And at least one of the Regulars entered into the Carrotfest spirit:

Everyone agreed there were some prize entries to be had:
















Although some could have done with a dose of Miracle-gro.  Or maybe just a miracle.

There was a distinct pride amongst the competitors:

The guest judge was meticulous:

Demanding from Tattoo,

"Can I have your length and girth again, please."

After the intense competition the Regulars had gone to town on carrot-based treats:

Then, with no expense spared, the winners of each category were revealed:

Billy Idle was delighted to win the 'Best Colour' category.

Apparently it was orange.

Despite fierce protestations from Gobby the visiting guest judge declared:

"I can't cope with the vagina so two legs willy and a bum wins."

And finally, Spudgirl was crowned overall winner proving her to really be the Queen of Vegetables.





















Base pagan festivities were to follow long into the night:

Although some festival-goers were less keen to duet than others.

And after a day of unparallelled earthy joyfulness and fun, only a year to wait until:



BEETFEST

Poppycock

After tactile anticipation, disappointingly, the discreetly packaged giant cock ring Gobby believed Billy idle to have ordered turned out to be infinitely less exciting.

Drive Thru

As Billy Idle wistfully lamented, on many occasions, how he missed the hustle and bustle of the city and his fast food weaknesses Gobby was delighted to inform him that a Drive-thru had opened up just near by.





Shire style, of course:

Slimmer of the Year

The Regulars had tried, on several occasions, to tell Spudgirl that she had now lost more than enough weight at Fat Club.

SmackDown

As the competition hotted up between the horticultural of the Regulars Gobby received the following goading text from Tattoo:

"Nice sitting outside eating my tea watching the carrots grow."

Undeterred by this degree of 'carrot smack talk' Gobby countered with:

"By the look on your son's face the other day when he glimpsed my magnificent bounty I don't think I have anything to worry about.

Although she was perhaps not entirely prepared for the response,




"What about the carrots?"

Paving the Way

As Gobby planned ever more garden improvements she contacted her local workman of choice re a particular job but was surprised to receive the following response:

"Nice of you to think of me but it is a bit far from Burnopfield."

Which, for the uninitiated, it somewhat is:

Realising her error and that something had gone profoundly awry with the 'S' entries in her contacts Gobby apologised profusely to a trusty old chum, a rare itinerant visitor to Barton Lives for those that remember the Tim Tam Slam saga, explaining the work requests should have been sent to the very local: 'Shaggy'.

However, undeterred and never one to turn down any port in a storm Gobby did follow this up with, "What are you like at paving anyway?"

And way highly impressed with the reply,


"I'M FANTASTIC, MR BOMBASTIC."

Slippery

After an inordinate amount of unnecessary explanation on the spurious subject of 'Outdoor Slippers' (see Footnotes ), Gobby was very disappointed at Hamish's distinct lack of support on this matter.

And also found it hard to believe this to be the best of the specialist catalogues he regularly had delivered to his abode.

Keeping Abreast

As the Regulars discussed their respective week's work down The Local, Gobby declared her place of employ to now be a Breast Feeding Friendly Zone.

To which most of the Regulars agreed they might pop up and give it a try.  

Overseas

As Hamish contemplated yet another change of employ he was heard to comment in disgruntlement that the employment agencies would keep sending him vacancies in India.



Although he did admit he had heard there were a lot of jobs in Jeopardy.

A Spiky Matter

Although Gobby would be the first to encourage gardening amongst the rest of the Regulars even she was perturbed when the Silver Surfer abruptly left The Local declaring he was off home to 'nurse the yucca.'



Thankfully all was tastefully revealed the next day:

One step Forwards, Two Steps Back

After yet another change of employer the Regulars were delighted to see that Hamish had taken at least small steps to improve his approach to colleagues.



















Although, again, interior design was yet another field in which he failed to really grasp what the customer had truly envisaged.

Past your Best

As the conversation reached erudite levels and Billy Idle failed to keep up with the historical content he declared:

"My history's terrible!"

Considering his chequered past Hamish eyed him quizzically pointing out:



"Your future's not looking too good either!"

Project

Gobby was always in unsurpassed awe of Billy Idle whenever one of his projects came to fruition.

And They're Off!!

After previous failed attempts and lack of success in the growing stakes, (see Judgment Day) plus taunting texts from other Regulars on their headway in the matter, Gobby felt any encouragement and motivational tactics were worth a try.

Chocolate Drop

The Regulars had truly believed Hamish might finally be on the brink of achieving his dream job from recent discussions down The Local.

That was until this particularly charming rejection letter arrived.

Bookend

Gobby couldn't help noticing Dr Johnson had moved on considerably since she pored over his previous work during lexicography lectures.

The End

On a rare and  harmonious joint shopping outing, as Billy Idle and Gobby admired the well-hung produce of the local butcher, Jordan appeared also approving of his tasty wares.

Gobby and Billy could only look on and marvel as she was personally hand-fed with over-the-counter titbits as they looked on hungrily.

But as Jordan pointed out:

"He always gives me his end."

Jai Po!!!

Despite many previous attempts by the Regulars to prevent her access to a particularly potent elixir, Gobby still found outlets prepared to serve her and expressed her undying love for the product in question.























Although, not at an eye-watering  £5.60 a pint in a local establishment that shall not be named (but was the host venue for the recent CAMRA AGM...)


That'll teach the Regulars to leave the safety the mother ship.

Underhand

As Gobby lamented that her ploy of confiscating items from Billy Idle and hiding them in her knicker drawer had been unsuccessful as he had still managed to find them, Crusty did wonder:

"What were you doing in her knicker drawer?"

Billy soon cleared up any confusion explaining:

"Just seeing of she had any new pairs I hadn't tried on yet."






IF ONLY...!!

Spotter

The Regulars were delighted to finally find a use for Tattoo.

Kiwi

Gobby surmised:

That should teach a grown middle-aged man about whinging over his kiwi fruit 'not being chopped up well enough' in his packed lunch tomorrow.

 Imagine her surprise on receiving constructive feedback:

Amnesty

Gobby truly never thought she would live long enough to witness a 'museli bar amnesty'.

She really should know by now not to underestimate Billy Idle:

Horseplay

As Tubthumper regaled the Regulars with tales of his recent foreign food feats where he had seemingly chomped his way through a horse with a puffin side; Ol' Blue Eyes lamented:



"I bet it went down his gullet quicker than mine past the post!"

Indecorum

The Regulars simply had to look away down the Local when Billy Idle instructed Spudgirl:



"I'll hold it out - you have a feel!"

A Storm Brewing

Predictably, (unlike the weather), Hamish's job as a weather girl was short-lived.

Pastures New

It would seem the New Year had not improved Hamish's relations on the street:

Footnotes

Whilst Gobby was delighted to note that Billy Idle had taken notice and not trailed daily filth back from Doncaster onto their new carpets, she did have to reprimand him slightly for venturing outside to the car in his slippers.

Billy decided what he needed for such occasions were 'outdoor slippers' so he would not have to wear his 'indoor slippers' outside but could wear his 'outdoor slippers' than change back into his 'indoor slippers' once inside.

Gobby clarified the situation and that,

"You DO have 'outdoor slippers': they're called SHOES."

New Year New Career

Yet again, the Regulars had to inform Hamish that his new food packaging career move for 2014 was, like the many he had tried, unsuitable. 








 

New Wave

Gobby couldn't really understand what all the fuss was about but, after 7 years, did relent and agree that maybe microwaves were contraptions that may sporadically need to be cleaned.

Behold the before and after photos of her labours:

I.e. BEFORE bequeathing the old on to the tip and AFTER sending Billy Idle to buy a new one having decided there was no way she was putting her hand in there.