On Call

For the first time since records began Hamish felt he may be able to hold down this particular job longer than it took to down a pint.

So much so that the Regulars were stunned as he placed not one but two mobile phones on the table of the Local one Friday evening (and not a fax machine in sight - see July 2006 "The Fax is the Future") lest his new place of employment could not manage without him even on a weekend when lesser men rested.

Imagine how stunned Hamish was when, whilst he irresponsibly left these unattended to respond to a pressing call of a different nature, both appliances burst into action somewhat worryingly calling him into work at 2 different times from two different numbers.

And imagine how gleeful Pocahontas and Spudgirl were as they ran gleefully up the road clutching their respective phones.

Sweet Charity

As Gobby tirelessly reminded The Regulars of her do-good, charitable and giving nature and forced them to look at yet another picture of Duggie the sponsored guide dog on the wall of the Local they were interrupted when, as chance would have it, a fellow do-gooder entered the local collecting for breast cancer.

Ol' Blue Eyes was beside himself with mirth and delight declaring,

"So, if we donate to this as well do we get a photo of a breast this time?!"

On the Scrapheap

As Billy Idle mourned the final demise of the Mighty Mondeo, complete with it's two spanking new tyres that served him well for a whole week, not to mention the AA's incomparable efficiency in returning him home safe and sound a mere 7 hours after he originally called in his breakdown on the way home from work and conveniently just in time for him to set off back again the next day, Gobby felt the least she could do would be to lend him her means of conveyance.

Ever concerned, she also warned Billy that there was only £10 worth of fuel therein which surely could not suffice for the long and arduous journey.

She should not have worried, however, as the ever conscientious Billy duly returned the favour by replacing the exact £10 worth of fuel for her at Doncaster services with just the remaining 33.2 miles home, bless him.

Male Bonding

Gobby presumed, on being roused by the sound of hoovering at 2am, that Billy Idle and Dr. Slim Carbuncle had indeed enjoyed themselves to the full at Barton Beer Festival.

Whilst impressed that Billy had been able to locate the hoover, on coming face to face with a male bonding ménage à trois embrace incorporating Billy, Slim and said hoover she felt her presence decidedly unnecessary.

Although, on re-retiring upstairs she did feel the need to question as to how, in their spectacularly inebriated state, they could be so sure it had indeed been her beer festival glass that they had lamentably smashed to smithereens.

An Untimely Visit

After much planning, preparation and anticipation the evening finally arrived when Evil Twin and her husband (whose self-chosen Barton Lives name will not be repeated, see the corresponding episode: http://barton-lives.blogspot.com/2007/10/october-2007.html) arrived in the Shire for their long-awaited inaugural visit to the Local and for their eagerly awaited participation in Pub Quiz.

Suitable words cannot be rendered to describe the bitterness of their disappointment when, by some bitter and cruel twist of fate and coincidence, Evil Twin and nameless husband's visit coincided with a freak disruption of the one power cable that wends its way from the National Grid to the Shire thus rendering the Local plus Barton's one currently remaining grocery outlet inoperable in one fell swoop.

In a desperate bid to salvage something of the soiree they roamed the streets until spotting a dimly flickering light in an alternative drinking establishment that someone had informed them had reopened, although they were now not so sure (and which, incidentally, Billy Idle did declare to be far further from the Local than he remembered from the rare occasions he had ever ventured any further in the past.)

Inside this hive of inactivity they huddled for warmth and solace in a corner with their fellow inhabitants, largely comprising other refugees from the Local who subsequently praised Evil Twin and the nameless one for surviving a night in 'the Morgue'.

The entire evening's entertainment was not lost, however, as on leaving 'the Morgue' a large and excited crowd had gathered in the Market Place to admire the midnight floodlit display incorporating a freshly appeared large hole in which a troupe of performers in hard hats and costumes which, in the Shire, passes for 'Street Theatre'.

Inspiration

After finding this week's pub quiz this particularly challenging, the Regulars decided to turn to their mentor for guidance:

Chores

As Billy Idle reluctantly agreed, on a particularly rare occasion, to complete a household task and return the ironing to the respective wardrobes and cupboards, pointing to the garments in question Gobby reminded him not to miss the 'little black one on the chair'.

To which Billy exclaimed with surprise,


"What, is Tattoo here?"

wondering how he had managed to sneak into the living room unnoticed.

A New Leaf

Gobby hoped and prayed that, with his new purchase of a Wii fit, Billy Idle might finally be seeing the error of his slothful ways and making amends.

After a ceremonious unpacking, not wishing to interrupt such a momentous occasion she left Billy to "feel the burn."

Returning some time later armed with isotonic sports drinks, halved oranges and Deep Heat, Gobby was slightly under awed by Billy's levels of exertion though, notwithstanding, presumed this could be construed as a start.

A Guiding Star

It would seem, despite efforts on many occasions, that several of The Regulars were still not truly at one with technology and the modern world.

They were then eternally grateful when Adopted Ginger Child sent them a guide that could have been tailor-made for them that he had come across in a strange place far-away from the Shire known to its inhabitants as 'Universe City.'

Bad Experience

Hamish's solicitor sister, Wee Morag, soon realised that despite her efforts to help him find his way in the world of work, she had made a grave mistake in allowing Hamish to undertake work experience at her firm.

Role model

On reflection ,Gobby could only surmise that it was a blessing that she and Billy Idle had no actual children of their own when it came to light, on the occasions he was left alone with them unsupervised, what a terrible influence he was on their stuffed ones:

Which just goes to proves why he clearly is more of a roll model than a role model.

Surfing

Passing the time with a little surfing, Gobby had to forcibly prevent Billy Idle clicking the link he was trying to access lest he should crash the entire website:

A Saggy Old Cloth Cat

Whilst spending the weekend with Dr Slim Paul Carbuncle and the Swedish Librarian, on retiring for the night Gobby could hardly squeeze into the spare bed as most of it was already taken up by a saggy old cloth cat,

not to mention Bagpuss.

Mythomania

During a 'pound in the pot' question at pub quiz down The Local the Regulars were somewhat appalled by the distance by which their answers had once again missed the mark.


Indeed, the well-documented bad loser, Tubthumper, was in danger of tripping over his lip on his way to the toilet once the correct answer to how many languages had in excess of a million speakers was announced.


The Regulars took solace, however, in the fact that, although great their inaccuracies, at least their honesty and integrity remained intact. Unlike that of The Local's resident compulsive liar, Tweetie , who then claimed he should have realised it was more than he had originally estimated with him already being fluent in 6 of them.

It can only be hoped that next week's questions include,

"The name of a very strong tendency to tell lies or exaggerate, which may be a symptom of a disorder",

of which they are all only too well aware.

A Prickly Matter

Having felt relatively safe of late whilst running errands in the shopping metropolis of Barton, Gobby was once again perturbed by one of the 'Special Offers' she came across:

The Petrol of Human Kindness

It is refreshing and uplifting to discover on those rare occasions in this day and age and crumbling society that trust, generosity and benevolence still exist and there are those who will cross over the road (literally) to help their fellow man.

Especially refreshing for that particular fellow man, Rick Francis, after reducing the Humber Bridge to a single lane of traffic southbound, being towed away and standing in his shorts during a hailstorm, penniless at the petrol station begging for a fiver's worth of fuel to take him back home to hide his head in shame.

Yet another Barton Lives Sticky Situation

On a no longer avoidable visit to Arkwright's Emporium, on reading a notice on the door:



















Gobby was concerned to see that the door was sticking and seemed to have been doing so since the mid 70s.

However, Mel Smith, (aka Churchill, for his uncanny likeness to our great statesman or jowly car insurance bull terrier - you decide) the proprietor of said glorious establishment soon allayed her fears explaining that it never sticks when customers try to get in, but only if they try to get out again.

Slippery Slope

On a seemingly normal and innocent night predictability failing to win anything at pub quiz down The Local, Gobby realised her fellow team-mates may not be quite as focussed on pondering a question of the intricacies of a monopoly board as she was when, wholly unprovoked, Spudgirl suddenly declared to Tubthumper:

"We need some lubrication because it just ain't working!"

Worse Fates than Immingham Dock

In a bid to encourage Hamish to give his latest place of employment a probation period that wouldn't need recording with a stopwatch the Regulars judiciously pointed out that there were many places of employment worse than the opulence of Immingham dock.

Indeed, should the dark clouds gather once more Hamish should always think of those less fortunate than himself and take solace that he is not a Director of the Iowa Grocery Industry Association.

http://www.iowagrocers.com/boardofdirectors.cfm

(Too) Many Happy Returns

Always supportive and benevolent The Regulars, with a lovingly created birthday card, were delighted to celebrate Tattoo's special day with him.

And previously by the looks of things:

Anarchy for The Shire

It would seem that, in the harsh reality of 21st century Britain, that nowhere, not even the oblivious innocence of The Shire is safe from the signs of trouble in our time and the general dissatisfaction and unrest in today's society, even encroaching on the traditionally harmonious and peaceful gatherings of Billy Idle's karaoke parties.

Whilst the evening started harmlessly enough with an innocent brother sister performance that would make any parent proud:



Events soon began to take a more unpleasant turn with Spudgirl appalled to see that, in her absence, Hamish had chosen to 2 time her with a Swedish librarian:

This was soon followed up by a performance of an ilk previously unknown to the simple folk of The Shire:

Which would lead to a dangerous level of curiosity and impending doom:

And before they had time to realise the hideous truth that was unfurling before their eyes the heinous nature of the indoctrination by the master of his new apprentice took on a frightening form:

However, anarchy on such a scale, in a place wholly unused to this such as The Shire could only, inevitably, lead to one predictable self destructive end:

And only the unfaltering good nature of Rick Francis and the Manic Miner brought an end to the frightening proceedings and saved the day:

Martyred for her Cause

Gobby was exuberant with confidence at the following question at pub quiz down The Local:

"Name the group of six 19th Century farm labourers who were arrested for and convicted of swearing a secret oath and sentenced to transportation to Australia."

She was, notwithstanding, wholly unprepared for the scorn and ridicule heaped upon her by the rest of her fellow Regulars at her seemingly logical and obvious suggestion.

Cowed into silence in a corner it did however become apparent at answer time that perhaps the rest of the Regulars had been somewhat quick to dismiss her valid suggestion and as their following array of suggestions were dismissed one by one,

THE BOURNEMOUTH GANG

THE POOLE PRISONERS

THE WEYMOUTH FIVE

NATIONAL FARMERS UNION

THE DORSET 5

That perhaps her suggestion of "THE TOLPUDDLE MARTYRS" was, in fact, nowhere near as ridiculous as initially judged.

Alphabetically Challenged

After quaffing a splendid range of beers at Leeds beer festival culminating with an impressive offering from Ossett brewery Gobby felt her enjoyment could not be improved.

This was, however until a fellow enthusiast recommended an ale in which she would delight from the bar 'upstairs'.

Whilst consumed with excitement at the fact that more delectation was to be had 'upstairs' Gobby felt the need the protest at not having been made aware of this sooner.

To which her beer anorak friends felt duty bound to point out that, with her years of language training, she should perhaps have been aware that the alphabet is not generally known to stop with O for Ossett.

Or, failing that, she could have just looked up:

Hamish visits the Homeland

It would seem that even the land from whence he hails, where common courtesy is about as common as fair weather, health food and the milk of human kindness, was unprepared for Hamish's latest foray:

A Feat of Engineering

In sheer panic Billy desperately grappled with the quandary of readying himself for bed without disaster befalling his nightime cornetto until, by a stroke of genius and feat of engineering, the solution came to him in a genius flash of inspiration proving that necessity truly is the mother of invention.

Pastures New - Again

Just as the Regulars could not help but wonder as to what had caused the usually dour, miserable and miserly Hamish to have a spring in his step he announced that, once again, he had secured yet a further employ announcing:


"Got new job. Start when I like. William Hill now taking bets for how long I can stop there. 10 years is a google-1.Well worth 50p!


Whilst congratulations broke out amongst The Regulars, hedging his bets Tattoo did feel the need to ask:



"Applied for another yet, mate?"

Maintenance

As she stood with a pile of documents in desperate need or reproduction Gobby was unsure as to whether the 'Maintenance in Progress' on the works photocopier was a true representation of the matter in hand feeling the only true way to be sure was to consult an expert in the technological field therefore bringing photographic evidence for Hamish to cast his capable and sophisticated technological eye over.

True to form Hamish was soon able to confidently tell her that it was 'fooked'.

Potty

Towards the end of the working day Gobby pondered the text received from Spudgirl:

"Do you need any baking pots?"

Having witnessed the work in progress, and attractive skip in the front garden and the journey of trauma experienced by Spudgirl and Tubthumper through their kitchen renovation Gobby was pleased to be offered first refusal on Spudgirl's surplus kitchenware, keenly replying,

"I could have a look."

She was indeed a little unprepared by the somewhat terse nature of the reply from the customarily eternally cheerful most philanthropic all-welcoming ray of sunshine that the Regulars has come to know and love as Spudgirl:

"Well, it's up to you - just throw them away if not."

Tormented as to what she could have unwittingly done to evoke this wrath in one normally so meek and serene in demeanour Gobby frantically endeavoured to make amends adding,

"Or I could take them to the nearly new."

To which Spudgirl was lost for words and reduced to terms of derision amounting to,

"DOH!"

Followed up by,

"I WORK IN A F**CKING POTATO FACTORY."

At this point Gobby became concerned that the true realisation of her lot in life since leaving the bright lights and white stilettos for the exile of the Shire had only just broken through the layers of denial.

All eventually became clear.

Unused to shorthand and such technical language as used in a F**CKING POTATO FACTORY it would seem that Gobby had committed a fatal error of abbreviation interpretation and, in fact, Spudgirl was not offering her a collection of redundant kitchen vessels and receptacles but, in reality, a free bag of BAKING POTATOES for Billy's tea.

Billy's Buttocks Play up Again

After dedication to work far above his usual slothfulness never mind the call of duty, Billy decided to call his boss one morning to tell him that he was staying at home because he was, unfortunately, under the weather (not to mention the duvet).

Deeply concerned at this being so out of character his boss needed to know the matter at hand.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma,"
groaned Billy in a weak voice.

Slightly less sympathetically his boss retorted,

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

So Billy carefully explained,



"I just can't see my arse coming into work today."

Stuck

It would seem that, yet again, his unfortunate combination of Tourettes & a complete inability to operate even the simplest of technological equipment had gained Hamish yet another warning at work.


Although he vehemently maintained that all he had done was inadvertently drop his pen into the printer.