Hardening Off

As Tattoo's second attempt boomed, Spudgirl had to sacrifice one specimen and Billy & Gobby suffered some gastropodan damage the Regulars eagerly awaited the approaching planting out phase of the pumkinathon...

Subjection

On a rare alcohol-devoid occasion and in the confined space of a moving vehicle some of the Regulars saw fit to allow their thoughts and conversation to drift to a rarely encountered state of the musings of intellectual sobriety.

That was until Spudgirl firmly put down a steel-toecapped safety-booted foot worthy of the potato store declaring:

"So we have one mathematician, one linguist, one scientist and ONE VERY BORED PERSON in the car!"

The 12 Ways of Breakfast

As if the pace of life in the Shire were not sufficiently languid the Regulars whiled away the best part of an hour's drinking time devising alternative lyrics to a well-known song, by the end of which there was more spilt drool that beer on the table of The Local:











On the first day of breakfast my Little Chef made for me:

12 button mushrooms
11 cups of coffee
10 rashers of bacon
9 pork sausage
8 fried potatoes
7 black puddings
6 plum tomatoes
5 onion rings
4 pieces of toast
3 fried eggs
2 hash browns

and a plate of baked beans on the side...

While the rest of the Regulars went for a much-needed lie-down after such an ordeal unfortunately Tattoo may have taken the process a step too far...

Happy Birthday Girl!

After months of anticipation the time for the Whitby Weekend to celebrate Spudgirl's 40th birthday finally arrived.

Between them the Regulars made this a special and memorable experience for Spudgirl throughout although were often in grave danger of losing her in the Bank Holiday crowds being wholly unused to ever seeing her displaying pleasure and mistaking her for an alarming grinning stranger.





















A hugely enjoyable time was had by all with the Regulars only returning to the Shire once Ol' Blue Eyes had drunk the town dry.

Hotting Up

After a slow start, due entirely to his own miserliness when it came to initial horticultural outlay, Tubthumper's pumpkin began to show signs of what it may be capable.

So much so that it would take someone with far more professional knowledge and skill than the Regulars to judge who had currently taken the lead between him and Billy Idle (who had, incidentally, lifted a finger, literally, to plant his own pumpkin).

Natural Selection

Disregarding much protestation, and even a wholly unjustified accusation of 'PUMPKIN MURDERER!', Gobby insisted that, despite his hard work and alleged gardening induced blister, the pitiful shoots clinging on to life in Tattoo's grossly oversized bucketful of slurry were plainly not an example of pumpkin seedlings.

And, despite his ridiculous and unsubstantiated scepticism, Tattoo finally deigned to bow to the rest of the Regulars' hitherto superior pumpkin growing techniques with his remaining seeds, allaying his unfounded suspicions and resorting to the unmiraculous tried and tested method of a propagation tray and compost.

Sure enough, within days, as pumpkin seedlings began to emerge, on enquiring if their appearance was distinctly different form the sprinkling of weeds displayed above Gobby managed to tease out the reluctant confession of,

"Slightly."

Germination

As Gobby blatantly and smugly enjoyed her early lead in the proceedings, it became clear that things were hotting up in the husband/wife race for second place.

So much so that the incandescently competitive Tubthumper may have begun to rue his decision to forgo the princely sum of £2.50 paid by his wife for a seed tray and propagation lid in favour of two used plum punnets from the supermarket when it became clear on comparison that Spudgirl's initial outlay may be reaping horticultural rewards:

Meanwhile, and to nobody's great surprise after dismissing many a gardener's preferred growing medium of rich potting compost in favour of his own blend of back garden sludge, Tattoo's efforts, way back in 3rd place, were proving very slow to break through.

However, suddenly and in turncoat fashion, after scathing the others for their technical use of 'artificial heat' then claiming his own airing cupboard to be too full, Tattoo braved the wrath of Jordan who, on returning home to find him nowhere to be seen but the fire on full in the living room, was wholly disconcerted by the new occupants therein:

Subsequently and initially to his great delight, the first tender green shoots finally broke through the slurry but, on Tattoo's own admission, looked nothing like the pumpkin seedlings proudly displayed by the rest of the Regulars. At this juncture Gobby did feel it only right and just to question as to whether these first signs of life were likely to develop into pumpkins at all or could simply be stray weeds and, on viewing the most pitiful pot of all, the Regulars mused as to whether, yet again, Ol' Blue Eyes' selection would inevitably prove to be an 'also ran'.

Britain's Got Talent (but not here).

Whilst Gobby felt she was really honing her karaoke skills it was deemed, from photographic evidence, that not all the Regulars shared her enthusiasm.

Nor the neighbours when they came round to complain at 2.00am.

PUMPKINMANIA - The Beginning

As the lights dimmed down the Local and Marlene presented Tattoo, the birthday boy with a giant caterpillar cake to 'protect his pumpkins' the Regulars knew the race was on and could barely sleep for the excitement of the PLANT OFF.








And indeed, no sooner had they woken up, sobered up, synchronised their watches and brushed the dew off the garden at 2.00pm the next day did the BIG DIG begin.

Week 1
After some days of unbearable tension and anticipation the miracle began with Gobby and Billy taking an early lead with an impressive 2 inches:














This was swiftly followed by an announcement from Tattoo of 'action in one pot' and the incurring of only a slight pumpkin-related head injury from his over-enthusiastic shed activity in checking progress.

Pot-shot:
Having been somewhat disappointed with Ol' Blue Eyes' lack of enthusiasm and the most feeble of excuses that living in a flat would in any way hinder his ability to grow a Cucurbita maxima Tattoo magnanimously took it upon himself to reserve a pot for him specially, although Ol' Blue Eyes' appreciation of this generosity was short-lived when it was revealed that, when caught short in the depths of his horticultural zone, Tattoo had been forced to resort to relieving himself therein.

Could this indeed be the secret elixir to which he had been repeatedly alluding? And would Ol' Blue Eyes be correct in his assumption that while the Regulars would be proudly taking the prize fruits of their labours to horticultural shows and competitions he would be taking his to the GUM clinic?

Sit back and enjoy as it is a long long time to Halloween...

What a Card

The Regulars sympathised with Hamish as he berated the fact that his reluctantly spent hard-earned money on Valentines last month had come to no avail with the ladies.

That was until they saw his card of choice:

Time will Tell

After an evening spent particularly on the receiving end of the Regulars' less than complimentary comments regarding the ravages of age, Gobby took some comfort when it was declared she did, at least, look younger than Billy Idle.

Although Tattoo did feel the need to point out that this could be as,

"Old Father Time looks younger than him."

In despair Gobby enquired as to whether her hideousness was so all-consuming that one of the Regulars should perhaps have helped her accessorise by bringing her a bag to wear over her head to which Billy clarified,

"They've brought two: one for you to wear and one for me in case yours falls off!

Stinky

On being berated by the Landlady on his inopportune gas leak betraying his overindulgent celebration of the 'Pub of the Season' presentation and awarded the new nickname of 'Stinky', Spudgirl did remind Tubthumper of his many talents declaring,

"Had you been doing a degree in farting you would have got a distinction in that as well!"

Making Tracks

As Hamish lamented the installation of trackers on their work vans and the feeling that 'Big Brother is watching you' he was even more disgruntled when, out on the job, his phone rang and disrupted his train of thought.

So much so that when his boss enquired as to his current whereabouts he was possible a little hasty in his reply of,

"You f***ing tell me!!"

Do-si-do

On a busy night down the Local, as Mel Smith squeezed past Billy Idle with no minor degree of difficulty on either part on his way to the bar, their ensuing shimmy brought a whole new Barton Lives meaning to Sparks',

"This Town Aint Big Enough for the Both of Us".

"A smile confuses an approaching frown"

On a particularly jovial evening down the Local, the normally dour and sour Spudgirl announced that her 'face was hurting from smiling'.

Her ever encouraging husband, Tubthumper soon put paid to this rare expression of jollity, however, with a stern warning declaring:

"Are you sure you are not enjoying yourself too much?"

On a Roll

Determined to encourage Billy Idle to defy the blanket of scepticism down the Local and complete a DIY task before Ol' Blue Eyes began to analyse his form and run a book,

(See Barton Lives November 2008: Give up Eventually and Get Someone Else to Do It.)

Tattoo reminded Gobby she would need to be on hand with bacon butties to keep up Billy's strength, willingness and motivation.
To which Billy replied that,

"One roll per roll should suffice!"

Insider Dealing

As the synchronised plant-off drew ever closer Spudgirl threw down the gauntlet to the rest of the Regulars:

I have been consulting one of the potato drivers here who grows his own: marrows and butter nut squash and PUMPKINS!!! He has given me some excellent tips so I am getting all motivated!

To which shock tactics Tattoo was quick to counter:

My next book to be published:

'How to Grow GIANT PUMPKINS 2009'

I will personally sign one for Ol' Blue Eyes
Regards,
Tattoo Mpg. Bph

Paper Thin

As Billy Idle rolled over in bed then exclaimed with horror,

"What the f**k's happened to the wall?!"

Gobby realised that his recent pledge to undertake the wallpapering may not yet have been given the priority for which she was hoping.

Sparky

The Regulars looked on perplexed as Ol' Blue Eyes wandered round the Local with a cigarette in his mouth on the verge of sparking up, smoking ban notwithstanding.

To which he elucidated this was part of his therapy:

As long as he had one in his mouth and one in his hand he can handle it.

Pie Eyed

Billy was unable to hide how much he was looking forward to the week ahead.

Not, as the Regulars assumed, because he had successfully completed month end but, by the fact of it being:

National Pie Week!

Shirty

As Gobby complimented Mel smith on the sartorial elegance of his shirt she was somewhat underprepared for his response that he,

"Was hoping she might like to see it draped over her bed later"

Notwithstanding, from the expression that must have immediately clouded her face he judged that the correct answer was, in fact,

"Maybe not then."

A Timely Reminder

Billy Idle, true to his name as ever and in order to encourage Gobby's compliance in urging her to go to the bar instead of him so that he would not need to move a muscle (presuming there are any actually hiding in there) added,

"You get time of for good behaviour".

To which Ol' Blue Eyes snorted that would reduce her to a mere 50 years.

Desperate Measures

After a particularly trying week Spudgirl took emergency measures to make the potato store more bearable.

Shall we Dance?

As Tattoo lamented that, in shaving the few remaining hairs from his once luxuriant head he had inadvertently nicked himself, Ol' Blue Eyes remarked that he had nevertheless done a fine job and it would no doubt have healed up in time for his starring role.

Dark Day

The Regulars noticed the Dark Lord appeared even darker than usual as he was seen lurking in the shadows of Barton on Valentine's Day. The reason for this soon became clear:

"My choice of Valentine present for The Dark Lady has caused a major disappointment here at Gothic Towers.

After considerable time (and some help from the shop assistant) I chose a bag and belt set for The Dark Lady's romantic gift.

Apparently this was not a suitable choice and she has returned it to the shop for a refund.

It appears that I have made an error in judgement:

The bag and belt set which I chose was for a Hoover, but we have a Dyson."

The Dark Lord
(The only Goth in the village)

A Growing Passion

Although difficult to imagine, Gobby believed she had come up with an idea to inject even more excitement into the lives of the Regulars.

She was delighted to find that this loyal trusty band never let anyone down and almost overwhelmed by the intensity of excitement and anticipation with which the 'Giant Pumpkin Growing Competition' was received.

She was albeit slightly perturbed by Ol' Blue eyes' response when asked if he was 'in' of,

"Not on the horses but I've had 4 numbers on the lottery."

In an attempt to reach into Ol' Blue eyes' world Gobby pointed out the competitive nature of such a competition and the possibility of running a book, plus as a retired member of the Regulars, he would surely have the advantage of far more pumpkin tending time but he would not be swayed declaring,

"I can't imagine anything more boring."

To which the Regulars did feel the need to point out he woudn't necessarily be expected to watch the pumpkin for the whole of the growing season and could, on occasions, leave it unattended.

Thought Process

When, down the Local, Billy Idle enquired as to whether Gobby fancied a ticket for the rugby she commented that Spudgirl and Tubthumper might also enjoy the experience.

Billy replied that he,

"Hadn't thought about anyone else".

To which Gobby countered,

"Why change the habit of a lifetime?"

Time for Thought

As the Regulars considered with some foreboding Friday 13th looming on the horizon, Jordan took great delight in pointing out that, on said date, Tattoo would be at the dentist at half past two.

To which Billy Idle could not resist the retort,

"You mean - two thirty!"

A New Vision

Ol' Blue Eyes had been noticeably absent from the Local but, just as the Regulars were on the cusp of concern, it transpired that said absence was due to his puchase of a new television. Moreover he had been unable to leave the house since discovering that he could now effortlessly watch Poirot all day and Morse all night having after the revelation of its having Freeview inside or, in as he put it:

"FREEVIEW INSIDE!

INSIDE THE TELLY!

INSIDE!!!!!"

As the Regulars pondered such uncharacteristic expenditure wondering if, by some divine providence, all of Ol' blue Eyes' choice of horses had, for once romped home he elaborated that,
when watching the snooker and the red balls suddenly turned green then the table turned sideways, he realised he only had one option.

Whilst the Regulars complimented him on what must have been the longest-serving valve-endowed TV in the Shire Ol' Blue Eyes declared he was now just relieved to have one he could lift.

Call it a Day

After a particularly vigorous karaoke rendition of yet another 'novelty song' by Gobby to delight their guests, Ol' Blues Eyes, once recovered, commented that those vitamin pills certainly must be good.



Tattoo, equally stunned, pointed out they were only one-a-day.



To which Jordan replied that was 'one too many'.