Stalled

As Robbin' Get enquired as to how Billy Idle's long tern video digitisation project had progressed in its first year he was not surprised to hear it had stalled somewhat.

Although even the most sceptical would have hoped that Billy could have managed more than his current total of,

"Half of Ben Hur."  

Although he did make some effort to defend himself declaring he:




"Just did Ben - didn't like Hur."

Personal Training

As Spudgirl went on yet another, in the Regulars' eyes wholly unnecessary diet, Billy Idle, human sloth turned self-styled personal trainer, in the bosom of his new found health regime (and for you unbelievers out there, i.e. everyone out there, ask his work colleagues who have been subjected to the frightening scenario of him forcibly encouraging them to turn to herbal tea) reiterated that increased activity and exercise was what was needed ands even went so far as to design a programme tailor made for her:

• Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

• With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

• Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

• Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. 

     

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

Show me a Sign

Just as Billy Idle began to weary from his recent work journeys covering the length and breadth of the country he spotted a sign that filled him with renewed vigour and passion.

Suspicion

It was an unusually quiet night down the Local as the Regulars eyed each other with suspicion.

Now you see him...

The Regulars were delighted when the latest novelty email came round alleviating the boredom of work and the general tedium of life in the Shire.

This week's particular gem was entitled 'Find the Man' or as the Regulars soon appropriately redubbed it - 'Find Tattoo!'

Master of the House

Whilst passing the following outside a Barton hostelry, the Regulars momentarily mused as to whether Robbin' Get had once again taken up as a Licensed Victualler.

Rock 'Ard

As, yet again, Billy Idle over- egged the custard of one of his previous incarnations, that of his stint in a 'rock band' he smugly declared after he had mentioned this at the bar of the Local that,

"One woman looked at me like I'd been in Def Leppard.  I mean as if I even sound like I come from Birmingham!"

Which, indeed, he does not.  Nor, as the Regulars pointed out, as if he came from Sheffield.

Keeping Abreast

Gobby was hugely impressed whilst at the mecca of the Factory Shop at the bargains to be had and ran off to immediately inform Jordan.

A Mean Deal

Gobby arrived at the Local to find it was so full she was unable to join the rest of the Regulars at the table and was forced to sit herself in an annex.

With the aid of a pack of cards she declared she would, until space was vacated by those, unlike the Regulars, able to leave the Local before being thrown out, resign herself to a solitary game of patience.   During this she did, however, feel it was unnecessarily harsh of Billy Idle to suggest she tried her hand at silence instead.

As the evening wore on and Gobby rejoined the pack, Spudgirl could not fail to be impressed as Billy enticed her with his card trick expertise whilst Ol' blue Eyes declared it was a shame it didn't work for horses!

A New Dimension

Gobby was about to ask if Billy Idle would mind if she went down the Local without him.

However, it only took one glimpse of him in his new 3D utopia to realise her absence would not even be noticed.

Several days later, as Billy Idle got somewhat carried away whilst sharing the love of his new TV with the Regulars, Tubthumper did have to intervene with his superior knowledge explaining that surely Billy was mistaken in the use of the term '3D disk' as that would, surely, be a cylinder.

Ol' Blue Eyes, on the other hand, declared that he was more than satisfied with Billy's explanation of a dongle as, prior to that evening, he has always attributed these to boy scouts.

An Unwelcome Return

As the Regulars were rudely awakened for the first un-eagerly anticipated working day of the New Year they were appalled to see the wintry weather had returned.

This dismay did not, this time, reflect the possibility of a return of dangerous and challenging journeys to and from their respective places of employment, but more that the horrors of extreme conditions clothing they had hope to put behind them may be set to return:

Out With the Old and in with Something Imperceptibly Different from the Old

The Regulars never felt they had anything to fear as the New Year beckoned, fully confident in the fact that nothing was likely to change or advance in the Shire.


They were, therefore more than happy to commune down the Local and further reassured as Robbin' Get arrived sporting the same jumper for the 3rd consecutive New Year's Eve.















To kick off the celebrations the world's campest Redcoat arrived to crank up the enjoyment levels:



Although not all the Regulars were overjoyed to hear Billy Idle, the karaoke king, had been rebooked.



Thankfully this year's Lady Gaga rendition, with a particularly serious poker face, was far superior to the horrors of that of Ol' Blue Eyes during the previous festive season.

Although Buzz Lightyear, trusted landlord, did seem somewhat perturbed to see this year the old crooner had moved his attention to Marlene.

Tubthumper paid the utmost of attention as Spudgirl made his list of new year resolutions clear to him.

 

Whilst she herself tried hard with some last-minute smiling practice realising the bells would soon chime and she would be forced to pretend to like people for the first hour or so of the New Year.




Jordan showed her highest level of delight when one barrel ran dry and was replaced by her favourite ale.

And, thankfully, somebody finally came forward and agreed to duet with Billy.



















Tattoo brought a degree of gravity to the proceedings.



Whilst with the observable effort put into his performance, the Regulars sincerely hoped that after his somewhat unsettled Christmas, the Manic Miner was, as proclaimed, truly 'solid again'.





A fabulous night was had by all then, as quickly as they came, the Regulars left again, terrified when time was called and they were ordered out by Marlene.

True to Form

Ol'Blue Eyes could not believe his luck on receiving such an appropriate Christmas gift and only hope this luck could continue into the flat season.

Vision On

With hindsight and after using her long-suffering unsuspecting mother as a lab test specimen, Gobby realised she had been a little hasty in prejudging Billy Idle's latest wholly unnecessary 3D purchase and, thankfully, there was no way in which they could possibly look utterly ridiculous within the confines of their own living room as she had initially feared.

A Hanging Offence

Gobby was particularly proud of her DIY skills in erecting a hanging rail to keep the bedroom tidy.

It would seem, however, that Billy Idle, on the other hand, had not quite yet grasped the concept of how to make best use of this.

Natural Selection

Despite being faced with the evidence and Billy Idle's best protestations, Gobby was not entirely convinced that the Rupies had broken into one of the selection boxes far earlier than permitted completely of their own accord.

Snow Chance

Whilst the Shire had indubitably seen some of the heaviest snowfall in many a year, the Regulars were not entirely convinced by The Dark Lord's alleged sightings:

A Touching Gift

As Billy Idle's birthday loomed and very limited supplies were making it through the Shire due to the snow Gobby was delighted when she happened upon the perfect gift as a token of her affection:

Snow Mean Feat

Gobby was under impressed with Billy Idle as he returned from work after a treacherous two hour trip through a blizzard that had made driving conditions so hazardous it had taken all his skill and concentration to photograph these whilst driving:

 

To make amends Billy promised to build a snow sculpture that would serve to impress her and make the most of the snowbound conditions in the Shire.

Unconvinced at first Gobby decided to give him  the benefit of the doubt as he set to work.

Work was progressing well until, due to a change in temperature, the head fell off leaving Gobby the proud owner of a garden sculpture of a giant snow cock:

However, defying all criticism, there was universal praise of Billy's final Snow Bear masterpiece.

Hair Today...

As Jordan rubbed her eyes in disbelief at seeing Billy Idle conscious and down town before noon Billy explained how his habitual slackness had led to the urgency of not sleeping past Billy Clip the Barber's opening hours for yet another week.

In subsequent discussions down the Local Tattoo declared he might,

"Have his hair dyed."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes pointed out,

"Yours died a long time ago."

Shirty

Gobby was delighted when, one day, Billy Idle took it upon himself to complete some household chores and wash his own T-shirt for once.

She should have realised that her reprieve would be but the briefest when seconds after emptying the wash basket he shouted upstairs room;

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

Eager to help and educate as ever Gobby began to lead him through  he process asking:

"It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

And immediately realised all hope of progress was futile on hearing his response of:

"Tottenham Hotspur!"

Coach Trip

The Regulars feared for the safety of the other passengers when Spudgirl announced she and Tubthumper would be taking in the delights of a holiday in Spain via a 2 day coach trip there and back from the Shire.

They breathed a sigh of relief, however, when the very worst to come out of said trip was merely 2 OAPs voted off and a particularly bad limerick:

There were two little old ladies from Kent

Who drove me crackers wherever we went

Rustling food wrappers while eating

And chattering while we were sleeping

I would have killed them if I was of that bent.

Over the Top

Marlene was having a bad day at the office:

Not only did she, through the recession, have more customers than she could serve, but the OAP special was not going down well with the residents of the Shire, most of whom fall into this category.

In exemplary customer relations fashion she declared that everyone over 65 should be shot.

Ol’ Blue Eyes, at a spritely 68 raised his eyebrows.

Seeing where this could lead, Billy Idle, in a valiant effort in trying to diffuse the situation,  proclaimed he could only dream of living long enough to sample the delights of her over 65s menu.

Sore Point

With her fervent desire to save the world and help her fellow man Gobby was delighted to have remembered the forthcoming blood donor session.

Imagine her abject horror in waking up to find her whole head had transformed into a festering cold sore from which no one would ever want a donation.

She was comforted and reassured by the Regulars as ever with Tattoo declaring:

"You could always have gone with a bag over your head."

Change of Use

As the Regulars lamented the lack of production at Bennett's Brewery and the reasons as to why this may be Gobby felt compelled to report, after a recent visit to the premises in question, that the Regulars had been entirely justified in their suspicions of potato pilfering (see Spudtheft) and the brewery was significantly altered since her last tour:

Lost Youth

As Tattoo reminisced once more regarding his misspent youth he wistfully lamented,

"I can remember when the girls used to chase me."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes brought him swiftly back to reality adding,

"I can remember when the police used to chase you."

Simple Soul

As Tubthumper struggled yet again to grasp the irony of Gobby's latest jape she felt she needed to comment, that he was,

"Quite simplistic when it came to humour."

A comment which Billy Idle swiftly amended to:

"You can retract the humour."

Sell-by Date

As Billy Idle tried once more to get to rectify the many and diverse issues preventing Hamish's computer from leading a normal healthy and happy life Hamish lamented that his,

"Online shopping had gone off by the time he finished ordering it."

Snug

Catching Gobby's eye some less than regular regulars called across letting her know they were in the snug.

She replied she would,

"Pop in on her way to the toilet."

To which the Regulars informed her,

"They're in the toilet - someone merely told them it was the snug."

Masterful

After previous months of unjustified ridicule from the Regulars Gobby finally felt vindicated when she was able to definitively prove the existence of GREEN Tabasco when it featured on none other than the BBC.

 Spudgirl did, however, reiterate the crux of the issue,

"But can you get it in Barton?"

To which Gobby did have to concede that this may be why Masterchef HQ has yet to be relocated from London to Barton.