Not so Green

With hindsight, Gobby realised it had been a mistake to ask Billy Idle to help with the garden.

As the Regulars viewed the Bank Holiday Beer Festival menu with the delight of small children in a sweet shop Gobby inquired of Billy.

"Can I tempt you to a Bogtrotter?"

To which he affectionately replied,

"You're ok; I'm not sure there's room for two of you."

Surprise

As the Regulars anticipated an evening of fun all round they were not disappointed to see, from the look of delight on Tattoo's face, that details of his surprise party had definitely been kept firmly in the bag.

Pulling Teeth

Whilst the Regulars appreciated being given more time to spend down the Local they were not entirely caught up in wedding frenzy over the Bank Holiday.

As Ol' Blue Eyes succinctly put it,

"I'm not saying I'm not looking forward to the wedding but are there any dentists open?"

Marketing

As the Regulars geared themselves for the excitement of the monthly Farmers' Market to hit the town Billy got eccitred about the 'speciality burgers' on offer.

He did however show concern as to not repeat his error of purchsing the one that had not been entirely to his liking declaring,

"I'm not sure how not to order it agian because I can't remember what I've had."

Ol' Blue Eyes came to his rescue with some sage advice adding,

"I had the venision burger - it was a bit dear."

Tasty

As Gobby lamented the closure of a local emporium on her regular route of frugality she voiced true concern as to,

'What would happen to Tasty Mark?'

The Regulars put her mind at rest in reminding her,

'He'll just be Mark, now.'

Fishy

As Gobby's attempt at a sexy pout fell on stony ground down the Local and Tubthumper likened her to a fish, Billy Idle did protest,

"You should see it first thing on a morning - I'll take the fish anytime!"

House!

As Billy Idle set himself up for an intense 'working from home day' Robbin' Get did query as to whether said day would actually consist of accountancy or bingo.

Moonlighting

The Regulars could not help be concerned that if Spudgirl's boss were to find out about her sideline her days would be numbered.

Primitive

After a recent beer outing during which Gobby excelled herself yet again in beer consumption and her inability to control this appropriately led Jordan to compare her once more to an 'amoeba', Gobby was astounded, not by the audacity of one of the Regulars to label her as such a primitive life form, but more that Jordan had been able to correctly spell such an insult.

To which Jordan did have to concede that she,

"Copied it off you on Facebook."

Sandstorm

As Gobby enquired as to whether Tattoo would like to engage in some gardening fun and frolics he replied, much as he could not imagine anything more exciting, he was somewhat occupied as he had to:

"Move a ton of sand Robbin' Get had delivered."

To which Gobby had an inspired idea:

"Just get Tubthumper and Spudgirl round.  They'll move a ton of sand as soon as your back is turned."

Shedloads

As Gobby spent her last ha'penny on her new shed Tattoo gave her some sage advice stating:

"Get a shed like mine, nick next door's."

Which Gobby could only conclude was.

"Truly priceless."

Hungry

The Regulars could scarcely believe that Spudgirl did not take them up on their cheerful friendly advice for her weekly meeting:

"Bored? Try emptying a large bag of Maltesers on the floor at Weight Watchers for a life size game of hungry Hippos!"

Excess

There were rumours that, on a recent beer excursion, one of the Regulars had been guilty of having too much fun.

The only remedy to this was to be sure to invite Tweetie to the next outing.

Earshot

As the Regulars praised Billy Idle on, since purchasing his SatNav, his new found ability to arrive at the correct work destinations within the allotted time (compare Billy Goes to Brum previously) he admitted he had become somewhat proficient in its use and was considering changing its voice to something more appealing.

When Gobby eagerly suggested he could use hers Billy's expression turned to what could only be described as horror-stricken concluding he,

"Couldn't imagine anything worse!"

But, on the other hand, at least if he accidently left it at home he would still be able to hear her.

On the Up

As the female species of the Regulars lamented the males' inability to take items upstairs Billy tried to defend their collective inactions with the excuse that he,

"Never knew if it was on it way up or down."



















Following the angry female chorus of,

"It's ALWAYS on the way up!"

The Sliver Surfer declared,

"I'm glad I'm single."
  
To which Billy reminded him,




"And you've got no stairs!"

Humouring

As Billy Idle and Gobby argued about the merits of a particular comedy show Billy did concede that,

"Out of half an hour's show you might chuckle half a dozen times."

Or, as Spudgirl pointed out, in her case,









"Unlikely."

Special Needs

On a particulalry chilly spring evening the Regulars expressed genuine concern as Tubthumper readied himself for the homeward journey wearing only his customary T-shirt.


Spudgirl excused this reminding them he has 'special needs'.  Which the Regulars did not deny adding:







"Yes, he needs a coat."

A Choice Evening

The Regulars were delighted when Billy Idle and Gobby arrived down the Local one evening when they had hitherto not been expected.

As they sagely explained:



"We fancied an Indian and staying in."





"So we had a pizza and came out."

Hard-hitting

In a moment of reflection down the local Tubthumper explained how he had pondered:



"Why does a frisbee look bigger the closer it gets?"

 "And then it hit me."

Stalled

As Robbin' Get enquired as to how Billy Idle's long tern video digitisation project had progressed in its first year he was not surprised to hear it had stalled somewhat.

Although even the most sceptical would have hoped that Billy could have managed more than his current total of,

"Half of Ben Hur."  

Although he did make some effort to defend himself declaring he:




"Just did Ben - didn't like Hur."

Personal Training

As Spudgirl went on yet another, in the Regulars' eyes wholly unnecessary diet, Billy Idle, human sloth turned self-styled personal trainer, in the bosom of his new found health regime (and for you unbelievers out there, i.e. everyone out there, ask his work colleagues who have been subjected to the frightening scenario of him forcibly encouraging them to turn to herbal tea) reiterated that increased activity and exercise was what was needed ands even went so far as to design a programme tailor made for her:

• Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

• With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

• Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

• Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. 

     

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

Show me a Sign

Just as Billy Idle began to weary from his recent work journeys covering the length and breadth of the country he spotted a sign that filled him with renewed vigour and passion.

Suspicion

It was an unusually quiet night down the Local as the Regulars eyed each other with suspicion.

Now you see him...

The Regulars were delighted when the latest novelty email came round alleviating the boredom of work and the general tedium of life in the Shire.

This week's particular gem was entitled 'Find the Man' or as the Regulars soon appropriately redubbed it - 'Find Tattoo!'

Master of the House

Whilst passing the following outside a Barton hostelry, the Regulars momentarily mused as to whether Robbin' Get had once again taken up as a Licensed Victualler.

Rock 'Ard

As, yet again, Billy Idle over- egged the custard of one of his previous incarnations, that of his stint in a 'rock band' he smugly declared after he had mentioned this at the bar of the Local that,

"One woman looked at me like I'd been in Def Leppard.  I mean as if I even sound like I come from Birmingham!"

Which, indeed, he does not.  Nor, as the Regulars pointed out, as if he came from Sheffield.

Keeping Abreast

Gobby was hugely impressed whilst at the mecca of the Factory Shop at the bargains to be had and ran off to immediately inform Jordan.

A Mean Deal

Gobby arrived at the Local to find it was so full she was unable to join the rest of the Regulars at the table and was forced to sit herself in an annex.

With the aid of a pack of cards she declared she would, until space was vacated by those, unlike the Regulars, able to leave the Local before being thrown out, resign herself to a solitary game of patience.   During this she did, however, feel it was unnecessarily harsh of Billy Idle to suggest she tried her hand at silence instead.

As the evening wore on and Gobby rejoined the pack, Spudgirl could not fail to be impressed as Billy enticed her with his card trick expertise whilst Ol' blue Eyes declared it was a shame it didn't work for horses!

A New Dimension

Gobby was about to ask if Billy Idle would mind if she went down the Local without him.

However, it only took one glimpse of him in his new 3D utopia to realise her absence would not even be noticed.

Several days later, as Billy Idle got somewhat carried away whilst sharing the love of his new TV with the Regulars, Tubthumper did have to intervene with his superior knowledge explaining that surely Billy was mistaken in the use of the term '3D disk' as that would, surely, be a cylinder.

Ol' Blue Eyes, on the other hand, declared that he was more than satisfied with Billy's explanation of a dongle as, prior to that evening, he has always attributed these to boy scouts.