Billy goes to Brum

Keen and conscientious in his new job Billy Idle prepared meticulously for his first solo business trip to somewhere he believed to be 'near Birmingham'.

So determined to make this one more successful than the last Eddie Kid wall of death experience (see last month) that he even sacrificed the evening at pub quiz. Gobby, stunned into disbelief reminded him of the pact they had made that Quiz Night came before everything and absence was only permitted by deathbed and of their promise and commitment to uphold this binding agreement together, then promptly shrugged her shoulders and went without him.

Incredibly Billy roused himself at the crack of dawn rather than the crack of noon and set off bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with the intention of a wholly alien concept to him that somebody must have explained: that of being early.

However, on being roused from the luxury of a snore-free environment with a ''Lost in Birmingham" text several hours later Gobby briefly acknowledged that all had perhaps not gone to plan as she turned her phone off to avoid any more unnecessary interruptions and rolled back over taking advantage of the vast amount of space mysteriously freed up in the bed that morning.

However, on reflection she realised the crux of the matter not going to plan was in fact, that in order to do so there must, initially actually be a plan afoot and perhaps the lack of any map or contact numbers may have been the root cause of Billy's problems.

Eventually, several hours, service stations, maps, phone calls, at least one speed trap, several buildings and a room full of unsuspecting women later Billy finally made it to the meeting, fashionably late as ever (well at least he is fashionable in some respect) at which his unsuspecting colleagues humourously asked him if he had just got up.

The shock of this proved all too much for Billy who spent the entire weekend in a position not dissimilar to the recovery position and to the shock of all The Regulars proved too debilitated to make it to The Local at all despite many texts of encouragement such as "You girl!"

The moral of the story being that 'near Birmingham' may not be quite the specific grid reference required and that the mystical world of cartography is not to be feared as much as when we believed the world to be flat (it's not flat, Billy) and The Regulars can only wait in hope that perhaps, one day Billy may manage a successful business trip...