Hair Today

As the more follicly challenged amongst the Regulars lamented their plight, Billy Idle suggested a new and revolutionary and hideously overpriced hair-restoring mousse he had seen on one of the shopping channels he really should, after multiple erroneous purchases, have learnt to avoid.


After thorough consideration and examination of his over-exposed scalp the other Regulars concluded Billy,


"Might as well stick a real moose on your head for that".



















Meanwhile, whilst conducting her on research into the issue, Gobby came across a truly terrifying site:

http://www.iseebaldpeople.com/

Saving Face

Whilst petulantly complaining about the range of terrible films Billy Idle had subjected her to in the guise of 'entertainment' as Gobby started to list them Billy shot her down with one particular citation declaring:


"And you want to get that 'face off'".

Marching In

As the new month sprang in Billy Idle was delighted to be greeted, not by white rabbits, but by the fact that:

Homework

Somehow it didn't seem Billy Idle's 'work from home' day was going to be one of the worst of his life.

Eco-lazy

Gobby was delighted to observe, after 5 years of training, that Billy Idle could now at least identify the kitchen recycling receptacle.

Almost there...

All Change

Gobby was horrified when Billy Idle, who, quoted in declaring hygiene to be 'overrated' informed her:

"The bathroom towel needs changing."

On realising that if the Human Sloth himself had noticed this oversight then it was probably all too late and they were likely to be infected from a super bug from which they were may never recover -

Gobby rushed to replace and boil said offending item then, on regaining some composure she did make it plain that, God forbid such a lapse may reoccur in the future, but even Billy was endowed with all the faculties necessary to:


CHANGE IT HIMSELF.

A Man's Best Friend

On realising they had not seen a great deal of Hamish of late the Regulars were reassured to hear this was merely as he was busy training his new pet.

Whom he has apparently named 'Dick'.

Dragon

Gobby bounded into the pub delighted to see the old-time Regulars at the bar with whom to share her insatiable enthusiasm for beer and life.

On regaining their composure and recovering from the initial welcoming blast they commented that she seemed happy as ever, although, apparently, as the conversation ensued:

"Not as happy as Billy was last weekend..."

Which Gobby quickly deciphered to mean,


 "What - when I was in Wales?!"

Romance-ability

As Billy Idle braced the weather for his constitutional and hopefully life-expectancy-extending lunch hour daily walk around the lake he reported to the Regulars that weekend on his fellow walkers or, in this case, rollers, as he experienced the beauty of Motorbility Scooter Love before his very eyes.












Ol' Blue Eyes was clearly overcome by emotion as he declared:


"I'd have pushed the ******* in!"

Short Shrift

Whilst Gobby sulked in vain over her short measure pint and the distinct unlikelihood that Billy Idle would get it topped up for her he dismissed any doubt in her mind declaring:


"You don't get a figure like this making unnecessary trips to the bar!"

Cuts

Gobby mused gloomily over her soon to be parlous financial state but reflected that she could at least afford one more pay day trip to the hairdressers.

On hearing this the Regulars saw fit to point out she:

"Won't need to think about that soon."

To which Billy Idle, firmly grasping somewhere along the wrong end of the stick enquired:

"Why - is she going bald?!"



Which caused further debate with Ol' Blue Eyes concluding to Tattoo that he had'

"More up my nostrils than you've got on your head!"

Little Death

The Regulars were concerned enough as to how to break the news to Billy Idle of the demise of his favourite 'restaurant'.


http://www.thisisscunthorpe.co.uk/jobs-Little-Chef-shuts-doors/story-15109874-detail/story.html


But moreover wondered if he would truly be able to cope driving past the tragic ruins each day to and from work.

In the Flesh

As Gobby wandered the hallowed halls of work for one of the last times she inevitably took far more notice of what was to be appreciated there than at any time in the previous seven years.

Which, on admiring the sporting institutional talent on display, did cause her to ask herself:

"How wrong is this?"

All Forms of Life

As the Regulars discussed the winter wildlife they had been feeding and observing during the cold spell; from winter birds to foxes and the inevitable rat; they did their best to include the contribution from a particularly well-oiled Robbin' Get and Immelda who had misinterpreted (or, as a colleague of Gobby's whom she had tried and failed to train in the art of proof-reading would aptly say, 'miss interrupted') the conversation declaring:


"We had jacket potatoes the other night."

The Regulars nodded in agreement confirming these could be,


"A real menace."

Getting Ahead

As Gobby tried to rein in her frustrations due to Billy Idle's stubborn refusal to follow any sage advice or guidance offered to him (remember the bold claim of "HEART ATTACKS AREN'T BAD FOR YOU in a Moving Experience) she struggled to contain her annoyance when, after refusing to don a woolly hat on the way to the Local, presumably in a bid to keep his handful of remaining hair in order,  a mere hundred yards or so after leaving the house he began to suffer from the cold.

Unable to hold back the tide any longer Gobby let loose her mighty tongue which must have confounded Billy somewhat as, in his desperate attempt to stake any claim on the argument he exclaimed,



"I don't need a head!"

Preapostropherous

As the Regulars lamented the ever-declining standards in society, after some contemplation, even Jordan of her own admission not put on this earth to proofread, knew something was amiss when Billy Idle declared,



"And they've taken the apostrophe out of Waitrose now."

Spreading the Love

Even though the Regulars were well aware how much Spudgirl adored her job and relished every task she was given therein; even they were impressed by the effort she had made to make sure her dream industry made it through the recession.

Comfort Zone

With a new year upon the Shire it seemed only right that Billy Idle should re-embrace his many alter egos (remember Studyboy and Supershag,  The Hermit and England Clown amongst others) adding a new incarnation.

In an effort to improve his post-work wind down, comfort, relaxation and karma Billy considered yoga, Tai Chi, meditation, spiritual healing but eventually settled on becoming:







CAPTAIN SWEATPANTS

Who, disturbingly, was already well-known to several of the Regulars.

Prospecting

As Gobby prepared to move on to pastures new and a new challenge she tested Billy's water one last time in a final shot at becoming a lady of leisure to which she was succinctly informed,

"You either get a job or become my personal slave."

An declaration that made Gobby realise this would be,

"Just like normal but without a job, then."

Which put a whole new slant on her future intentions.

Moments to Treasure

As the Regulars contemplated a new year exercise regime during trips to the bar down the Local they noticed one of their number to have become particularly portly over the festive season.

Looking down at what had gone decidedly south he lamented,

"That used to be my chest."

To which Billy Idle added,

"You'd get some treasure in there!"

The Hole Truth

Tubthumper, renowned for being incomparably bashful when it comes to any matters involving 'down there' was horrified when, out of the blue, Spudgirl turned to him and enquired:


"Have you seen the hole in Gobby's arse?"


It was all they could do, whilst wafting him with anything that came to hand, to hastily explain the said reference merely involved a pruning incident and the seat of a pair of gardening trousers to bring both him and his blood pressure back to somewhere within the stratosphere.

N.B. Should anyone even dare to insinuate that being my actual petite well-formed derrière I will show you what I can really achieve with my loppers, believe me.

Resolute

Although not quite sure as to the precise catalyst, Gobby felt her new year resolution should be to get up and make a productive start to the day and not sit drinking tea in bed.

Fulfilment

On surviving the pre-one-day-closed-at-the-most grocery shopping frenzy, Gobby was delighted to have secured all that Billy Idle had requested or would need for a fulfilling Christmas.

Shipment

Gobby was delighted that, after much effort and some detriment to the other contents of his butty box, she had managed to ship off to work yet another piece of gift tat purchased for Billy thus removing it from the still extensive collection unfortunately still housed at home.

She also doubted any truth in the claim that her warning against purchasing such items for his recent birthday had truly reached Geo Jen and the Space Cadet too late to prevent them purchasing the following objet d'art:

In conclusion, she wondered if anyone else noticed a disturbing trend in Billy receiving gifts pertaining to his own excrement, or maybe these were simply this year's 'on trend' gifts in the Shire.

Ho Ho No

Although Gobby couldn't quite put her finger on it, there were just some subtle indications as to why, on so many levels, it might be advisable to spend Christmas week working from home rather than in the office.

Glad Tidings We (decided not to) Bring

The Regulars set out to spread some festive carol singing cheer.

But changed their minds on arriving at Hamish's abode and decided to go down the Local instead.

Mystery Shopper

Jordan and Gobby thought it would be an excellent idea to try out Barton's latest refurbished establishment on a quiet Friday afternoon.

http://www.thegeorgebarton.co.uk/


Or it would have been had Tweetie, the resident town liar whose company they had been expressly been avoiding lest they should have to endure this on an all-day beer trip that weekend, not been holding court at the bar subjecting all around to his extremely important business call to an imaginary recipient.

Luckily, Gobby felt she had, fortuitously, a perfect disguise to hand.

Hamming it up.

As an aid to guide Billy, should she ever dare to engage him in a similar pursuit again, Gobby devised a new and fun game to help him with family budgeting and to prevent him from being further raped by the supermarket giants.

To avoid any hideous confusion as on the last (probably last ever in his life) grocery shopping excursion in which she employed Billy, Gobby decided to keep the name, object and rules of the game as simple as possible (plus using the chickens as both an additional guide to size and price) entitling this:



HOW MUCH IS THE HAM???!!

And, should he still need a clue, he could always press the handy HINT button which would further assist him in avoiding any previously experienced purchasing errors by helpfully adding:




DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS GOING TO BE 4 ****ING POUNDS!!!

40 Not Out (or dead, remarkably).

It would appear that Billy's 1970s themed birthday party had been a success.

And that some guests had made stopped at nothing when it came to authenticity:

So another night of fun and frolics and the world's most expensive ham joint for the Regulars although they never did quite get to the bottom of who had arrived bearing gifts, drink and 6 cans of dog food.

Chill

As the bitter chill advanced in the Shire, Gobby and the other allegedly female of the Regulars were underwhelmed with the heating provision in the ladies toilets down the Local.

As Gobby eloquently explained,

"When the warmest thing in there is your own piss there is a definite cause for concern."