Lurve

No matter how inspiring and fulfilling a rare to trip to TKMaxx may be, Gobby didn't feel it could actually convince her to:

Whale Wars

Gobby was somewhat terrified by Hellrunner's arrival bearing gifts wondering when the latest pod was likely to hit the Shire and if we were at war with Japan.

On clarification she was, however, eternally grateful that her compost would soon be turned to perfection.

The Rovers Return

The Regulars could have found themselves highly confused and believing themselves to be in the wrong drinking establishment until the full chain of events unfurled.

On hearing that Mad Logman, ex beau of the Landlady, had had to be forcibly removed from his car by the constabulary on dog-napping charges, before said animal could be returned to its rightful abode, they began to understand the appropriate pseudonym.

Masterless

With the long-awaited return of their entertainment of choice Gobby was delighted to see how the many series they had watched previously had improved Billy Idle's culinary knowledge.

That was until reference to a certain vegetable,

"Like big green matches that make your piss stink."

Answers on a postcard and perhaps not quite ready to put himself  forward as a future series winner.

Be afraid, be very afraid...

Snackered

As Gobby continued to brave the insurmountable challenge of educating Billy Idle in their new target area of 'portion control' she felt she had made some headway in his understanding of the need to avoid pre-dinner and post-dinner snacks.

She soon realised, however, the true immensity of his utter lack of understanding on needing to explain that,

"No, you can have a 'through-dinner' snack because a 'through-dinner' snack essentially constitutes:

DINNER."

Daydream Believer

During a regular distraction from work Spudgirl could only dream of her forthcoming holiday to make it through the daily toil.

Sign of the Times

With regard to recent events and the gradual demise of the Regulars one by one, all but the most stony-hearted could not fail to wince at the Darklord's disturbing new suggestion for the Local.

The Wait is Over

Gobby mused that, only in the Shire, would one become so excited on receiving the following text from a friend:

"Saw the farmer planting potatoes today,

so,

 I GUESS IT'S TIME!"

Talking Bollocks

Whilst Billy Idle agreed With Spudgirl's observation that he engaged in a lot of 'gesticular talking', he vehemently disagreed with the rest of the Regulars that this meant he:

'Talked out of his balls.'

Ringer

As Ringing Master Spudgirl, due to unforeseen circumstance beyond all control found herself one tower captain short of a band for the morning, Billy Idle helpfully suggested she could take along a:

'Ringer ringer'.

Ear-ie

Fascinating though the lengthy and surprising to him at least account of Billy Idle's 'suddenly' hairy ears was, after approximately 20 minutes of attentive listening, particularly on the utterance of the phrase, 'And you'll have to trim them!' Gobby did feel she had afforded enough time to said lament and curtailed it effectively with,

"And what do you have to complain about about?  I've been plucking my nipples for years."

But as luck would have it, it would seem nothing is unobtainable in this day and age and Gobby soon found a solution.

And thank goodness for the handy instructions on the box as surely it would have been impossible to deduce how to use Mr NOSE AND EAR TRIMMER otherwise.

HD

As Jordan, delighted with her new phone showed off its new features and captured a moment of herself and Gobby down the Local that could only be described as gurning,  Ol' Blue Eyes declared it definitely to be in HD:

HORRIFIC DISPLAY.

A Guiding Light

It would seem neither Hamish's taste in decorations nor his long-documented relations with this neighbours had improved since last Christmas.

Surprise!

Spudgirl excelled herself in pulling off the surprise party of the year.

Needless to say the ever observant Tubthumper had been none the wiser.

The buffet and cake went down a treat.

And, for once, Tubthumper was not the only one to overindulge.

Meanwhile, the Regulars were stunned by Spudgirl's public display of warmth and friendliness.

And despite Bernie's refusal to tell her renowned vagina joke...

The evening was deigned a resounding success.

Deliverance

After a seemingly endless wait Gobby and Billy Idle were extremely relieved when their Chinese takeaway finally arrived.

That said, they did feel they could appreciate how the delay had ensued.

Ropey

Gobby was very impressed when Billy Idle informed her he had once tried his hand at "rope-walking."

Her disappointment was complete when, on enquiring further Billy realised the error of his words and had, in fact, once had a dabble in,

"Line dancing."

Smarting

Whilst Gobby lamented having the least smart phone of all the Regulars down the Local, Tubthumper expressed a liking for the new 'JCB phone'.

To which Ol' Blue Eyes declared he also could "really dig that!"

Impulse

Occasionally, Gobby had to admit, that not categorically every wondrous item  she bought from the mecca of Lidl was always the best idea and bargain that it seemed at the time of purchase.

Upstairs Downstairs

On the Regulars being subjected to one of Hamish's particularly lengthy and colourful rants regarding relations with his neighbours, Tattoo did feel the need to ask,

"Are you paranoid?"


Leading to the immediate response of,


"Who told you that?!"

Up the Wall

As Gobby and Billy Idle observed the following from the comfort of their King Size bed, bought especially for their family of Rupert Bears, they realised they had perhaps over-indulged them somewhat and that, without serious intervention, they may not grow up to be as intrepid as their recently observed Welsh cousin.

Compare and contrast:

Gardener's World

In a rare moment of fondness Billy Idle declared he,

"Really likes where we live now and the garden is much better for Gobby"

To which Ol' blue Eyes did remind him,

"Yes, but you don't have to leave her out all night!"

Spiked

Billy Idle found it very touching that, since the demise of his (allegedly) beloved cactus, (see A Prickly Subject) Hamish had searched far and wide for a suitable replacement.

Bugger

As the Regulars enquired as to the Tubthumper's new job he expressed deep concern over one of his new colleagues declaring:

"He's an MRSA carrier".

Leading Billy to enquire,

"Has he got it in a bag?"

Trick or Treat

The Regulars realised they were fighting an ever-losing battle as they had to point out the inappropriate nature of Hamish's Halloween costume.

And none of them dared to even contemplate the nature of the 'trick or treat'.

Blueprint

After a particularly audacious evening down the Local on the part of Tattoo led to multiple corporate reprimands the Regulars remarked that he would be "black and blue" by the end of the evening.


Or, after giving further thought to the matter, 'blue'.

Dry Humour

The Regulars looked on in hope that, after the third time of reiteration, Gobby would finally grasp Hellrunner's point in the following exchange:


"What is the most common cause of dry skin?"


"TOWELS"

Imposter

As the Regulars once more contemplated how the march of time and the ravages of age were not dealing them the kindest hand, Billy Idle declared his disconcertment in looking up at the mirror in the local takeaway and wondering,


"Whose that fat bald bloke waiting for my kebab?!"

Movement to Music

The Regulars were initially extremely impressed with Hamish's (deeply) hidden talents when he announced:

"Every time I have a crap the radio comes on downstairs."

Until they remembered he does actually live in a flat.

Mow-bility

The Regulars were relieved, on seeing the following, that the furthest Ol' Blue Eyes were to venture on vacation would be Great Yarmouth where he would be less tempted to commit a heinous crime.

Sing-a-long (if you dare)

The Regulars were somewhat concerned that, despite innumerable well-documented instances of participation, Tubthumper had apparently still failed to grasp the intricacies (few that they are) of sing-along-a-karaoke: