Wake-up Call

The Regulars had often warned Billy Idle about his dangerous ability to snooze through all alarm calls by the use of his lightning quick 'viper arm'.

It would now appear he should have heeded these wake-up calls before it was too late.

ESCAPE

Gobby was not sure what to expect on receiving an anonymous text message demanding she be down The Local at a designated time that evening.

She was equally apprehensive on being handed a suspicious package on arrival:
















Onc opened, the plight of the poor Rupies was quickly revealed- they were baked alive in a pie - as Hamish had predicted.

Although a glimmer of hope remained as it seem that the Rupies may have survived the gas chamber and written a rescue message on top of said pie:

















Just as Gobby could bear the tension no longer a sound emerged from within the pie leading to a valient ESCAPE!
















A joyous homecoming scene quickly followed and, once safely reunited, the Rupies vowed never to leave the bed again.

Much like their father.

Escapades

Gobby began to wonder as to just how much suffering the Rupies were actually enduring as their kidnap continues as, from the latest updates from Rupert Kidnapper, they did seem to be engaged in something suspiciously akin to sightseeing.


"My god where are we now?? I think I've seen that big tower somewhere before......."








"Well we got to the top and he didn't throw us off! No way are we jumping its much too high!"








"Let us ponder a while on how best to make our escape..."








"After a hot date with the Mona Lisa the Rupees decided to go for a drink....its a very long way round this museum..........."









"In the outside air and immediate thoughts of escape forgotten the Ruppees pose for a memorable snap of their travels...."







"Up at the grand arch the ruppees are glad they aren't buried underneath it...it was too windy to go up there so the kidnapper promised they'd make tracks for home!!"







Gobby was not only relieved to see them safe and sound in Gay Paris but markedly so in that she had in fact won her bet down The Local as to where they would appear next and did not now have to buy a round for all The Regulars.

The Plot Thickens...

Despite the allusions to conspiracy by the Regulars as to the dastardly kidnap of the Rupies it would seem that Gobby and Billy had been both too hasty to judge some and to trust others as it transpired that their babies were no longer in the country.

Indeed perchance they should have looked closer to home in their suspicions as further details began to emerge:



"Oh no its dark and we don't know where we are!! But we have managed to escape the evil clutches of the kidnapper!!"





"We tried to call for help but it's all Greek to us!!"






"The view from the room looks nice but it's too far to jump, we will have to bed down for the night!!"





"Things don't look good he's missing heather and desperate, who knows what he'll do.....
And look at the way I'm strewn on this chair!!"






"Looks like little Rupert is fairing slightly better, thank God it's not Garry Glitter!! Paul has offered a decent ransom of FIVE shekels no less!





After escaping from the scary clutches of Paul McCartney Big Rupert manages to find a bird -







"He says " she's so much better looking than Billy, I know who I want to sleep with.....
go home...
you must be kidding!"






Meanwhile Rupert Kidnapper considers how good a Rupies pie will taste.........................!!!!




In a rare moment of weakness the kidnapper thought about letting the Ruperts go home...............
unfortunately there was one small problem with the transport!!





Rupie tries to call home, but it seems he's not sure exactly where he is......Prague, Amsterdam.....who knows!!! Some strange Dutch porn star has propositioned me.....maybe I'll stick around.





"It seems that in order to secure safe transport home Rupert is having to resort to Brute strength to twist the drivers arm...............will he ever get home if he loses???????"



Not only was Gobby unconvinced that some of the ransom photos were genuine she was equally dubious as to that of Rupert Kidnapper himself:

A Ray of Hope

In their darkest hours Gobby and Billy could at least take some solace in the messages of support that flooded in from The Regulars with regard to their desperate search:

Tattoo was the first to express his shock and horror declaring:

"This is unBEARable."

Adding,

"NOT GUILTY.

Hope they haven't been shipped out to Iraq.

They might end up being BEARHEADED."


Rick Francis was quick to add his take on the situation stating,

"Wasn't me, but I wish I'd thought of it.
I could have made a moustache out of one of them."


However, as Gobby became hysterical at the flippancy of this reaction he began to realise the gravity of the matter and took a far more constructive role in the search for suspects adding,


" I have been very concerned about the disgusting act that has occurred. I have been thinking really hard about where poor Rupert could be. I am sure that I have seen him, but I can't think where.



I have been on the look out for a strange looking creature that seems out of place in his surroundings, who likes tartan trousers and to be near young children, or open fields."

Moreover, on receiving communication on the matter from one of the above it would seem that Rick's surmise could be accurate. Indeed Jordan had been correct when her suspicions were aroused only last week regarding the previously unimaginable unprovoked generosity on the part of one of their number.

Horrified, Gobby now rued the gusto with which they had consumed the tasty gift that had been proffered on reading the following:

"It is with dismay, shock and outrage that I hear of your loss. How could any of your so called friends have done anything so cruel and heartless?

So, it is with great pride I wish to offer a reward for the safe return of the two Ruperts, a Scottish steak pie!

As with all foodstuffs nowadays, ingredients must be listed:

• Bear meat 70%.
• Tartan trouser 20%
• Scarf 10%.

All offal is now removed and used in Haggis.
Haggis will also be offered as a bonus if said bears are returned within two days. (It's Great, Very very tasty!)

Hoping for a happy outcome, Hamish.XXX"

A wholly appalling tale of despicable duplicity and cruelty!

Gobby could not describe the sense of loss & betrayal after the post arrived when she realised that someone she had trusted, let into their home and possibly even considered a 'friend' could have actually been a monster capable of committing such a heinous crime:

A Town with no Cheer

Uncomfortably finding themselves between a rock and a hard place down The Local with regard to the choice on offer, Ol' Blue Eyes felt the only way to deal with this was with a song for his fellow Regulars regaling them with a beautiful rendition:


"It is lonely away from your kindred and all,
In the bushland at night when the warrigals call;
It is sad by the sea where the wild breakers boom,
Or to look on a grave and contemplate doom;
But there's nothing on earth half as lonely and drear,
As to stand in the bar of a pub without beer."


Whereas Gobby had to settle for the inevitable:

Outgoings

Stunned by Hamish's unprecedented generosity, The Regulars wondered where this unheard of loosening of the purse strings may end up.

Thailand, by the look of things:

Crisis

The Regulars steeled themselves for the winds of change to blow through The Local once more as The Management took over for an undisclosed period of time.

Stoic and supportive as ever in their approach they reasoned as to how bad things could really be in the interim.

What they had not considered, however, was the possibility, even in such a potato-shire backwater of:











NO QUIZ AND NO BEER!!!!!

Sport Billy

Whilst watching the coverage of the Olympic gymnastics, (from his bed), Billy Idle was outwardly unimpressed by the record-breaking efforts of the Chinese gymnasts, commenting that he felt this was a discipline in which he could really show the world how it was done.

Remaining unphased by the quizzical glances he received in response to this declaration he went on to explain and exemplify his stance pointing out:

• He was regularly seen on his way to the Volts
• Whilst there his performance at the bar was always noteworthy
• Surely nobody could fail to notice his rings
• And he regularly ended up giving a fine performance on the floor.

No mention of him on the horse, though.

Bet the horse was relieved.

Arson

On a short cut to for Zig & Zag's birthday, (as you can never arrive too early for over-excited pre-school fun) whilst picking her way through what passes for a council estate by Barton's rural backwater standards, Gobby was horrified by the malicious depths of depravity and wanton violence blocking her path when she was confronted by the scorched remains of:


a burnt-out wheelchair.

Bon Voyage

Billy Idle was not the most enthusiastic holiday-maker as the 5.30am airport taxi arrived.

He soon perked up, however, when he realised that, in the airport itself, his dream holiday had already begun.

Treats

The Regulars were truly delighted with Hamish's devotion and dedication to his new(est) place of employment that they felt it was time they treated him to something.

They should have been far wiser, however, than to allow him to go to the sweetshop on his own.

On Call

For the first time since records began Hamish felt he may be able to hold down this particular job longer than it took to down a pint.

So much so that the Regulars were stunned as he placed not one but two mobile phones on the table of the Local one Friday evening (and not a fax machine in sight - see July 2006 "The Fax is the Future") lest his new place of employment could not manage without him even on a weekend when lesser men rested.

Imagine how stunned Hamish was when, whilst he irresponsibly left these unattended to respond to a pressing call of a different nature, both appliances burst into action somewhat worryingly calling him into work at 2 different times from two different numbers.

And imagine how gleeful Pocahontas and Spudgirl were as they ran gleefully up the road clutching their respective phones.

Sweet Charity

As Gobby tirelessly reminded The Regulars of her do-good, charitable and giving nature and forced them to look at yet another picture of Duggie the sponsored guide dog on the wall of the Local they were interrupted when, as chance would have it, a fellow do-gooder entered the local collecting for breast cancer.

Ol' Blue Eyes was beside himself with mirth and delight declaring,

"So, if we donate to this as well do we get a photo of a breast this time?!"

On the Scrapheap

As Billy Idle mourned the final demise of the Mighty Mondeo, complete with it's two spanking new tyres that served him well for a whole week, not to mention the AA's incomparable efficiency in returning him home safe and sound a mere 7 hours after he originally called in his breakdown on the way home from work and conveniently just in time for him to set off back again the next day, Gobby felt the least she could do would be to lend him her means of conveyance.

Ever concerned, she also warned Billy that there was only £10 worth of fuel therein which surely could not suffice for the long and arduous journey.

She should not have worried, however, as the ever conscientious Billy duly returned the favour by replacing the exact £10 worth of fuel for her at Doncaster services with just the remaining 33.2 miles home, bless him.

Male Bonding

Gobby presumed, on being roused by the sound of hoovering at 2am, that Billy Idle and Dr. Slim Carbuncle had indeed enjoyed themselves to the full at Barton Beer Festival.

Whilst impressed that Billy had been able to locate the hoover, on coming face to face with a male bonding ménage à trois embrace incorporating Billy, Slim and said hoover she felt her presence decidedly unnecessary.

Although, on re-retiring upstairs she did feel the need to question as to how, in their spectacularly inebriated state, they could be so sure it had indeed been her beer festival glass that they had lamentably smashed to smithereens.

An Untimely Visit

After much planning, preparation and anticipation the evening finally arrived when Evil Twin and her husband (whose self-chosen Barton Lives name will not be repeated, see the corresponding episode: http://barton-lives.blogspot.com/2007/10/october-2007.html) arrived in the Shire for their long-awaited inaugural visit to the Local and for their eagerly awaited participation in Pub Quiz.

Suitable words cannot be rendered to describe the bitterness of their disappointment when, by some bitter and cruel twist of fate and coincidence, Evil Twin and nameless husband's visit coincided with a freak disruption of the one power cable that wends its way from the National Grid to the Shire thus rendering the Local plus Barton's one currently remaining grocery outlet inoperable in one fell swoop.

In a desperate bid to salvage something of the soiree they roamed the streets until spotting a dimly flickering light in an alternative drinking establishment that someone had informed them had reopened, although they were now not so sure (and which, incidentally, Billy Idle did declare to be far further from the Local than he remembered from the rare occasions he had ever ventured any further in the past.)

Inside this hive of inactivity they huddled for warmth and solace in a corner with their fellow inhabitants, largely comprising other refugees from the Local who subsequently praised Evil Twin and the nameless one for surviving a night in 'the Morgue'.

The entire evening's entertainment was not lost, however, as on leaving 'the Morgue' a large and excited crowd had gathered in the Market Place to admire the midnight floodlit display incorporating a freshly appeared large hole in which a troupe of performers in hard hats and costumes which, in the Shire, passes for 'Street Theatre'.

Inspiration

After finding this week's pub quiz this particularly challenging, the Regulars decided to turn to their mentor for guidance:

Chores

As Billy Idle reluctantly agreed, on a particularly rare occasion, to complete a household task and return the ironing to the respective wardrobes and cupboards, pointing to the garments in question Gobby reminded him not to miss the 'little black one on the chair'.

To which Billy exclaimed with surprise,


"What, is Tattoo here?"

wondering how he had managed to sneak into the living room unnoticed.

A New Leaf

Gobby hoped and prayed that, with his new purchase of a Wii fit, Billy Idle might finally be seeing the error of his slothful ways and making amends.

After a ceremonious unpacking, not wishing to interrupt such a momentous occasion she left Billy to "feel the burn."

Returning some time later armed with isotonic sports drinks, halved oranges and Deep Heat, Gobby was slightly under awed by Billy's levels of exertion though, notwithstanding, presumed this could be construed as a start.

A Guiding Star

It would seem, despite efforts on many occasions, that several of The Regulars were still not truly at one with technology and the modern world.

They were then eternally grateful when Adopted Ginger Child sent them a guide that could have been tailor-made for them that he had come across in a strange place far-away from the Shire known to its inhabitants as 'Universe City.'

Bad Experience

Hamish's solicitor sister, Wee Morag, soon realised that despite her efforts to help him find his way in the world of work, she had made a grave mistake in allowing Hamish to undertake work experience at her firm.

Role model

On reflection ,Gobby could only surmise that it was a blessing that she and Billy Idle had no actual children of their own when it came to light, on the occasions he was left alone with them unsupervised, what a terrible influence he was on their stuffed ones:

Which just goes to proves why he clearly is more of a roll model than a role model.

Surfing

Passing the time with a little surfing, Gobby had to forcibly prevent Billy Idle clicking the link he was trying to access lest he should crash the entire website:

A Saggy Old Cloth Cat

Whilst spending the weekend with Dr Slim Paul Carbuncle and the Swedish Librarian, on retiring for the night Gobby could hardly squeeze into the spare bed as most of it was already taken up by a saggy old cloth cat,

not to mention Bagpuss.

Mythomania

During a 'pound in the pot' question at pub quiz down The Local the Regulars were somewhat appalled by the distance by which their answers had once again missed the mark.


Indeed, the well-documented bad loser, Tubthumper, was in danger of tripping over his lip on his way to the toilet once the correct answer to how many languages had in excess of a million speakers was announced.


The Regulars took solace, however, in the fact that, although great their inaccuracies, at least their honesty and integrity remained intact. Unlike that of The Local's resident compulsive liar, Tweetie , who then claimed he should have realised it was more than he had originally estimated with him already being fluent in 6 of them.

It can only be hoped that next week's questions include,

"The name of a very strong tendency to tell lies or exaggerate, which may be a symptom of a disorder",

of which they are all only too well aware.

A Prickly Matter

Having felt relatively safe of late whilst running errands in the shopping metropolis of Barton, Gobby was once again perturbed by one of the 'Special Offers' she came across:

The Petrol of Human Kindness

It is refreshing and uplifting to discover on those rare occasions in this day and age and crumbling society that trust, generosity and benevolence still exist and there are those who will cross over the road (literally) to help their fellow man.

Especially refreshing for that particular fellow man, Rick Francis, after reducing the Humber Bridge to a single lane of traffic southbound, being towed away and standing in his shorts during a hailstorm, penniless at the petrol station begging for a fiver's worth of fuel to take him back home to hide his head in shame.

Yet another Barton Lives Sticky Situation

On a no longer avoidable visit to Arkwright's Emporium, on reading a notice on the door:



















Gobby was concerned to see that the door was sticking and seemed to have been doing so since the mid 70s.

However, Mel Smith, (aka Churchill, for his uncanny likeness to our great statesman or jowly car insurance bull terrier - you decide) the proprietor of said glorious establishment soon allayed her fears explaining that it never sticks when customers try to get in, but only if they try to get out again.