As Billy Idle and Gobby briefly contemplated packing ready to move Gobby couldn't help but point out it would be a far less arduous task should Billy rid him self of the many trappings of his misspent youth starting, for instance with a spare room full of the previous millennium's worth of video tapes he continued to assure her would one day be digitised then taking up only cyberspace.
Weary of such empty promises Gobby derisively enquired as to how long it would take to complete such a task:
Not for the first time the Regulars looked on mockingly as Billy scorned her lamentable mathematical ability breaking the information down into small steps he believed she may be able to understand beginning with,
"It takes 3 hours for a 3 hour tape."
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
A - Peeling
Despite their best efforts and constant denial the Regulars, on occasions, were compelled to reluctantly admit they were not as youthful as in bygone days.
None more so as when Imelda reached into her bag for her mobile phone only to find she had inadventently brought the household potato peeler instead.
After smugly enquiring as to were it only after struggling to get a reception that she had noticed her mistake and had she been half way through a bag of spuds before she came out but had to stop when she ran out of credit the Regulars did go on to reassure Imelda that, on returning home, she was bound to find her phone safely in the dishwasher.
Always keen to help they were only to keen to let her know that, on returning from the toilet, she had a missed call from King Edward.
The Regulars great lament was that Spudgirl had not been present to witness the spectacle but assured Imelda they would let her know and she would no doubt text her some chips later.
At the end of the evening the Regulars felt it necessary to warn Imelda to pay far more attention or be prepared for even more unpleasant consequences of further confusion.
None more so as when Imelda reached into her bag for her mobile phone only to find she had inadventently brought the household potato peeler instead.
After smugly enquiring as to were it only after struggling to get a reception that she had noticed her mistake and had she been half way through a bag of spuds before she came out but had to stop when she ran out of credit the Regulars did go on to reassure Imelda that, on returning home, she was bound to find her phone safely in the dishwasher.
Always keen to help they were only to keen to let her know that, on returning from the toilet, she had a missed call from King Edward.
The Regulars great lament was that Spudgirl had not been present to witness the spectacle but assured Imelda they would let her know and she would no doubt text her some chips later.
At the end of the evening the Regulars felt it necessary to warn Imelda to pay far more attention or be prepared for even more unpleasant consequences of further confusion.
A Thin Line
As one of Billy Idle's dismal jokes failed to raise the slightest glimmer from Imelda, Ol' Blue Eyes enquired,
"When did you find out you're not as funny as you thought you were?"
To which Billy defended himself declaring,
"I'm not wasting my best material on her!"
"When did you find out you're not as funny as you thought you were?"
To which Billy defended himself declaring,
"I'm not wasting my best material on her!"
Brotherley Love
As the Local's somewhat alarming alternative to Jedward failed to show any fraternal love with one returning from the bar with just a single pint, much to the other's consternation, Ol' Blue Eyes couldn't help but show his concern exclaiming,
"I hope you never need a kidney!"
"I hope you never need a kidney!"
Thursday, 25 March 2010
A Bridge too Far
As Hamish yet again contemplated his career path the Regulars reminded him his architect days had not proved a resounding success.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Visitation
As a protest against the recent slur on Orange Woman's upstanding teutonic character, Gobby was compelled to quote the following reply:
"Orange woman would like to reassure all residents of the back of beyond place that is Barton that she indeed has every intention of gracing the local hostelry (where, apparently, you all reside 24/7) with her presence before the days grow shorter again.
"Orange woman would like to reassure all residents of the back of beyond place that is Barton that she indeed has every intention of gracing the local hostelry (where, apparently, you all reside 24/7) with her presence before the days grow shorter again.
She is currently receiving therapy to prepare her for the trip."
This feeling was possibly exacerbated on her finding that the following web forum question had remained unanswered for 3 years:
Leading her to believe:
"the fact that no-one has answered the post heightens my fears that Billy is right….no-one ever leaves Barton alive……."
Invitation
As Jordan yet again lamented the continued lack of visitation of her imaginary friend Orange Woman to the Shire, Gobby tried to console her by assuring her she would issue yet another invitation.
To which Billy Idle countered that the Regulars were perhaps counterproductive in their methods and, should they adopt the alternative approach of not inviting her, she might just turn up.
Adding that this approach had been highly effective when it came to her compatriots and Poland.
To which Billy Idle countered that the Regulars were perhaps counterproductive in their methods and, should they adopt the alternative approach of not inviting her, she might just turn up.
Adding that this approach had been highly effective when it came to her compatriots and Poland.
If it comes from Essex it is to be feared
The Regulars always feared quite what they would be faced with on occasions when Spudgirl unwisely left the gentility of the Shire when recalled to her native Essex.
The effects were relatively mild on this occasion, only presenting a chavtastic gift of the smallest proportions of a pin to Billy Idle on her return.
Indeed, perhaps more concern should be given to Billy's response whose initial delight diffused to mild disappointed when he realised that the proffered item was not, in fact, an earring.
The effects were relatively mild on this occasion, only presenting a chavtastic gift of the smallest proportions of a pin to Billy Idle on her return.
Indeed, perhaps more concern should be given to Billy's response whose initial delight diffused to mild disappointed when he realised that the proffered item was not, in fact, an earring.
Fully Fermented
The Regulars had been eagerly anticipating their brewery tour and day out, their enthusiasm only slightly tempered on realising they could not escape being accompanied by Barton's resident liar and grand master of unadulterated hyperbole.
However, they were soon compelled to humility when, as can be seen from the ensuing pictorial evidence, their concerns were unfounded as Tweety eagerly took full part in the proceedings leading to no cause of embarrassment whatsoever:
Paying attention to the brewer:
Taking in all the information:
Admiring the equipment:
Sharing a joke:
Raising a toast:
All in all a truly memorable experience.
However, they were soon compelled to humility when, as can be seen from the ensuing pictorial evidence, their concerns were unfounded as Tweety eagerly took full part in the proceedings leading to no cause of embarrassment whatsoever:
Paying attention to the brewer:
Taking in all the information:
Admiring the equipment:
Sharing a joke:
Raising a toast:
All in all a truly memorable experience.
Sunday, 21 March 2010
A Hard Day's Night
Hellrunner was delighted when, after many weeks of encouragement, Tufty finally deigned to join her and the Regulars down the Local.
Her delight was, however, somewhat short-lived when, at 1.00pm the following afternoon, with Tufty dangling a magnet through their letterbox, they were still endeavouring to make it home from the aforementioned night out.
Her delight was, however, somewhat short-lived when, at 1.00pm the following afternoon, with Tufty dangling a magnet through their letterbox, they were still endeavouring to make it home from the aforementioned night out.
Bottle Shock
After a hard day's slog decorating their new house, Rupert Kidnapper and Manic Miner tentatively enjoy a glass of explosive wine from Tubthumper's home brewery.
When Gobby pointed out that her stock had opened with no trace of volatility Manic Miner pointed out:
"The apple wine opens beautifully when requested. However, it tends to open on its own when least expected with spectacular results."
On hearing that said results has resulted in a kitchen complete with traumatised dog dripping in explosive residue Spudgirl was beside herself in seeking appropriate words of grovelling apology urging Tubthumper to assist her in calming the (somewhat sticky) waters.
Tubthumper ever supportive of his wife and a master of rational debate helpfully added,
"Did they like it?"
When Gobby pointed out that her stock had opened with no trace of volatility Manic Miner pointed out:
"The apple wine opens beautifully when requested. However, it tends to open on its own when least expected with spectacular results."
On hearing that said results has resulted in a kitchen complete with traumatised dog dripping in explosive residue Spudgirl was beside herself in seeking appropriate words of grovelling apology urging Tubthumper to assist her in calming the (somewhat sticky) waters.
Tubthumper ever supportive of his wife and a master of rational debate helpfully added,
"Did they like it?"
Creature Comforts
As Tattoo tried to ruin a potentially pleasant evening for Gobby by informing Billy Idle that one of his current favourite works of cinematic genius was being screened yet again that evening, namely the unsurpassed Kung Fu Panda,
Gobby could at least take some satisfaction in informing him that Billy had, since his cultural visit to Whitby Museum, moved on from a ridiculous animated bear to a far superior influence of his latest favourite creature to be revered, namely Narwhals.
And you can see why:
Gobby could at least take some satisfaction in informing him that Billy had, since his cultural visit to Whitby Museum, moved on from a ridiculous animated bear to a far superior influence of his latest favourite creature to be revered, namely Narwhals.
And you can see why:
Circadian Clock
As the Regulars, ever up to date with cutting edge news, discussed the recent scientific revelation that, due to evolutionary processes, reindeer have been able to switch off their internal body clock Hamish lamented,
"I can turn everything off, including women."
"I can turn everything off, including women."
Public Service Announcement
As the Regulars excitedly counted down the weeks to the impending canal boat sojourn Gobby considered it only fair to provide an announcement warning of the true horror involved in sharing confined sleeping quarters with Billy Idle:
Not to mention praying there were no amorous moose to be found grazing the banks alongside their chosen route due the somewhat alarming similarity:
Not to mention praying there were no amorous moose to be found grazing the banks alongside their chosen route due the somewhat alarming similarity:
Sunday, 28 February 2010
All at Sea
As the Regulars eagerly planned their forthcoming boating trip (and Spudgirl reflected on the true fullness of what she had taken on in suggesting said venture) the sleeping arrangements on board came under scrutiny.
It was at this juncture that she realised it may not only be the confined snoring she had to contend during this foray into communal living when Tattoo declared the only pair of pyjamas he possessed were 'hairy'.
It was at this juncture that she realised it may not only be the confined snoring she had to contend during this foray into communal living when Tattoo declared the only pair of pyjamas he possessed were 'hairy'.
Never mind if absence makes the heart grow stronger, just settle for it still beating.
As Gobby prepared to go on holiday and leave Billy Idle to fend for himself she could not hide her disquiet in doing so as, on previous occasions, it had ended in immeasurable disaster.
Jordan was forthcoming with some helpful advice:
"Next time you go away just put him in the recovery position before you leave."
Jordan was forthcoming with some helpful advice:
"Next time you go away just put him in the recovery position before you leave."
Tat
As the football season rolled on Billy Idle declared he would inflict another tasteless indelible skin marking on himself should Tottenham win the league, to which Gobby vehemently retorted,
"You're not having another Tattoo".
To which Tattoo himself responded with,
"Exactly"
"You're not having another Tattoo".
To which Tattoo himself responded with,
"Exactly"
Networking
After asking one of the Regulars what he had been up to recently as she had not seen much of him he replied to Gobby he had been spending a lot of time on Facebook.
However, when she encouraged him to befriend her for further networking he informed her it was, a special site especially for beer drinkers:
"Off your Facebook!"
However, when she encouraged him to befriend her for further networking he informed her it was, a special site especially for beer drinkers:
"Off your Facebook!"
Baffled
As Marlene, the revered landlady down the local spotted Gobby in a corner one evening she could not help but declare,
"You must have been quiet tonight, I couldn't hear you were in!"
To which, Gobby ever complimentary conceded,
"You've got so many customers they must have been muffling me."
And, Billy Idle helpfully added,
"And those that aren't are queuing up to!"
"You must have been quiet tonight, I couldn't hear you were in!"
To which, Gobby ever complimentary conceded,
"You've got so many customers they must have been muffling me."
And, Billy Idle helpfully added,
"And those that aren't are queuing up to!"
A Lofty Matter
The Dark Lord lamented another dark episode in the highest echelons of Gothic Towers:
"Our TV picture had slowly become more intermittent until last Friday when it was off with just occasional bouts of a brief picture - and of course that was only when the adverts were on.
Late on Friday evening I squeezed through the loft access to inspect the co-ax which runs from the dish. It runs through the loft and finally appears downstairs at the TV where the sprites emerge out of the end.
All appeared OK as I crawled through the lattice of beams but after limboing into the far corner of the loft I spotted a clue:
A pile of walnut shells on top of the roof insulation between the joists. I shimmied into the eves, knocking down cascades of 120 year old soot to investigate further.
After a birth-like squeeze under the last beam to access the lowest point in the corner, I was in reach of the co-ax. As I brushed away the soot-laden cobwebs from decades of arachnoid activity I spotted the problem. Some of the small furry rodents which I have graciously provided with walnut treats in our garden appeared to have been using the loft as a dormitory.
And, thoughtfully, for the more literately challenged of the Regulars he kindly summed up the story pictorially:
P.S. They have to find their own walnuts now and should consider themselves lucky not to have been made into a Davy Crockett hat.
"Our TV picture had slowly become more intermittent until last Friday when it was off with just occasional bouts of a brief picture - and of course that was only when the adverts were on.
Late on Friday evening I squeezed through the loft access to inspect the co-ax which runs from the dish. It runs through the loft and finally appears downstairs at the TV where the sprites emerge out of the end.
All appeared OK as I crawled through the lattice of beams but after limboing into the far corner of the loft I spotted a clue:
A pile of walnut shells on top of the roof insulation between the joists. I shimmied into the eves, knocking down cascades of 120 year old soot to investigate further.
After a birth-like squeeze under the last beam to access the lowest point in the corner, I was in reach of the co-ax. As I brushed away the soot-laden cobwebs from decades of arachnoid activity I spotted the problem. Some of the small furry rodents which I have graciously provided with walnut treats in our garden appeared to have been using the loft as a dormitory.
They also appear to have been using the sky co-ax as dental floss after partying on their walnut stash."
And, thoughtfully, for the more literately challenged of the Regulars he kindly summed up the story pictorially:
P.S. They have to find their own walnuts now and should consider themselves lucky not to have been made into a Davy Crockett hat.
The Dark Lord
(The only Goth in the Village)Monday, 11 January 2010
Effortless
For once the Regulars were unable to chide Billy Idle on his slothfulness as there was no arguing with the fact that on a particularly snowbound day he:
"Went to the gym but Jim wasn't there!"
Indeed they were almost convinced of his determination to put more effort and activity into 2010 on returning home and attempting to build a snowman in the garden instead until he admitted regrettably being,
'Snowed off.'
"Went to the gym but Jim wasn't there!"
Indeed they were almost convinced of his determination to put more effort and activity into 2010 on returning home and attempting to build a snowman in the garden instead until he admitted regrettably being,
'Snowed off.'
Specials
As the Regulars observed the waitress erase:
'Fresh Shetland Mussels'
from the specials board at the end of dining on Friday night they were somewhat perturbed to find they had rematerialised by Saturday night and could only conclude they were,
'Not as fresh as yesterday's.'
'Fresh Shetland Mussels'
from the specials board at the end of dining on Friday night they were somewhat perturbed to find they had rematerialised by Saturday night and could only conclude they were,
'Not as fresh as yesterday's.'
Friday, 8 January 2010
Lost for Words
Whilst it could never be possible to predict all that a new decade may bring, the Regulars could not have expected to be confronted by a revelation so soon as the midnight chimes sounded.
However, photographic evidence serves to verify the hitherto unheard of and never before witnessed in captivity ability of social Tourette's afflicted Hamish's to BITE HIS TONGUE.
High Definition
Jordan was beside herself with glee and disbelief when Tattoo woke her with the surprise news they were to go immediately to the electrical store to buy her a new High Definition TV for Christmas.
She should, however have realised there was slightly more to the initial 'definition' than met the eye as she subsequently explained to the Regulars:
"Apparently the telly's mine but the programmes are his."
She should, however have realised there was slightly more to the initial 'definition' than met the eye as she subsequently explained to the Regulars:
"Apparently the telly's mine but the programmes are his."
Return of the Pumpkin
Lest the pumpkin preoccupation of 2009 should all too easily fall into the forgotten past Tubthumper made sure it returned to the fore with the unveiling of the now fully fermented Pumpkin Beer.
Whilst this was distributed with the disclaimer of being a 'Unique Taste Experience' the Regulars were, nevertheless, unprepared for its true individuality, succinctly described by Billy Idle as a seldom experienced ale experience that:
"Puts hairs on your teeth."
Whilst this was distributed with the disclaimer of being a 'Unique Taste Experience' the Regulars were, nevertheless, unprepared for its true individuality, succinctly described by Billy Idle as a seldom experienced ale experience that:
"Puts hairs on your teeth."
A New Year in the Shire
Needless to say 2010 could not have got off a better start in the shire than with a magnificent display of Billy Idle's karaoke prowess, not to mention him flashing his balls.
Season's Greetings
As Ol' Blue Eyes took his seasonal sojourn north of the border his warmth and humour was sorely missed by the Regulars over the festive period.
Little did the Regulars realise, however, that they would soon prefer this spectre to the eggnog-fuelled Christmas Eve version that had incomprehensibly transformed itself into a wholly terrifying Lady Ga Ga cover act even more hideous than the genuine article.
On hearing of his timely return Jordan was delighted and wasted to time in calling in on him for a share of his glad tidings.
She did however feel the spirit of good will to all men was somewhat truncated when, on hearing her knock at the door, he appeared with a wreath.
Whiteout
The Regulars did not wish to dampen Rick Francis's optimism but, between themselves secretly believed that after a bout of rough play in the park with Zig and Zag, despite marking the territory with a stick, his chances of finding his now missing front tooth once the thaw came were so slim that even Ol' Blue Eyes wouldn't put money on it.
Monitor
Gobby was initially delighted, hoping a new leaf was finally turned, when Billy Idle strapped on his new heart monitor watch (now in the correct place, see The Heart of the Matter) and exercise was underway:
(In your dreams...)
She later realised that there may still be some way to go as she then witnessed him accidently drop said new purchase into his post-activity tub of ice-cream.
The Middle East Question
On receiving a bizarre text from Spudgirl, Gobby first ascertained that it was not a trick question then mused over,
"What can you use Israeli extra virgin olive oil in?"
She should, of course, have saved herself the effort of contemplation and passed the question immediately on to Billy Idle, fount of all knowledge who sagely responded with:
"An Israeli frying pan."
"What can you use Israeli extra virgin olive oil in?"
She should, of course, have saved herself the effort of contemplation and passed the question immediately on to Billy Idle, fount of all knowledge who sagely responded with:
"An Israeli frying pan."
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