Hungry

The Regulars could scarcely believe that Spudgirl did not take them up on their cheerful friendly advice for her weekly meeting:

"Bored? Try emptying a large bag of Maltesers on the floor at Weight Watchers for a life size game of hungry Hippos!"

Excess

There were rumours that, on a recent beer excursion, one of the Regulars had been guilty of having too much fun.

The only remedy to this was to be sure to invite Tweetie to the next outing.

Earshot

As the Regulars praised Billy Idle on, since purchasing his SatNav, his new found ability to arrive at the correct work destinations within the allotted time (compare Billy Goes to Brum previously) he admitted he had become somewhat proficient in its use and was considering changing its voice to something more appealing.

When Gobby eagerly suggested he could use hers Billy's expression turned to what could only be described as horror-stricken concluding he,

"Couldn't imagine anything worse!"

But, on the other hand, at least if he accidently left it at home he would still be able to hear her.

On the Up

As the female species of the Regulars lamented the males' inability to take items upstairs Billy tried to defend their collective inactions with the excuse that he,

"Never knew if it was on it way up or down."



















Following the angry female chorus of,

"It's ALWAYS on the way up!"

The Sliver Surfer declared,

"I'm glad I'm single."
  
To which Billy reminded him,




"And you've got no stairs!"

Humouring

As Billy Idle and Gobby argued about the merits of a particular comedy show Billy did concede that,

"Out of half an hour's show you might chuckle half a dozen times."

Or, as Spudgirl pointed out, in her case,









"Unlikely."

Special Needs

On a particulalry chilly spring evening the Regulars expressed genuine concern as Tubthumper readied himself for the homeward journey wearing only his customary T-shirt.


Spudgirl excused this reminding them he has 'special needs'.  Which the Regulars did not deny adding:







"Yes, he needs a coat."

A Choice Evening

The Regulars were delighted when Billy Idle and Gobby arrived down the Local one evening when they had hitherto not been expected.

As they sagely explained:



"We fancied an Indian and staying in."





"So we had a pizza and came out."

Hard-hitting

In a moment of reflection down the local Tubthumper explained how he had pondered:



"Why does a frisbee look bigger the closer it gets?"

 "And then it hit me."

Stalled

As Robbin' Get enquired as to how Billy Idle's long tern video digitisation project had progressed in its first year he was not surprised to hear it had stalled somewhat.

Although even the most sceptical would have hoped that Billy could have managed more than his current total of,

"Half of Ben Hur."  

Although he did make some effort to defend himself declaring he:




"Just did Ben - didn't like Hur."

Personal Training

As Spudgirl went on yet another, in the Regulars' eyes wholly unnecessary diet, Billy Idle, human sloth turned self-styled personal trainer, in the bosom of his new found health regime (and for you unbelievers out there, i.e. everyone out there, ask his work colleagues who have been subjected to the frightening scenario of him forcibly encouraging them to turn to herbal tea) reiterated that increased activity and exercise was what was needed ands even went so far as to design a programme tailor made for her:

• Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

• With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

• Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

• Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. 

     

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

Show me a Sign

Just as Billy Idle began to weary from his recent work journeys covering the length and breadth of the country he spotted a sign that filled him with renewed vigour and passion.

Suspicion

It was an unusually quiet night down the Local as the Regulars eyed each other with suspicion.

Now you see him...

The Regulars were delighted when the latest novelty email came round alleviating the boredom of work and the general tedium of life in the Shire.

This week's particular gem was entitled 'Find the Man' or as the Regulars soon appropriately redubbed it - 'Find Tattoo!'

Master of the House

Whilst passing the following outside a Barton hostelry, the Regulars momentarily mused as to whether Robbin' Get had once again taken up as a Licensed Victualler.

Rock 'Ard

As, yet again, Billy Idle over- egged the custard of one of his previous incarnations, that of his stint in a 'rock band' he smugly declared after he had mentioned this at the bar of the Local that,

"One woman looked at me like I'd been in Def Leppard.  I mean as if I even sound like I come from Birmingham!"

Which, indeed, he does not.  Nor, as the Regulars pointed out, as if he came from Sheffield.

Keeping Abreast

Gobby was hugely impressed whilst at the mecca of the Factory Shop at the bargains to be had and ran off to immediately inform Jordan.

A Mean Deal

Gobby arrived at the Local to find it was so full she was unable to join the rest of the Regulars at the table and was forced to sit herself in an annex.

With the aid of a pack of cards she declared she would, until space was vacated by those, unlike the Regulars, able to leave the Local before being thrown out, resign herself to a solitary game of patience.   During this she did, however, feel it was unnecessarily harsh of Billy Idle to suggest she tried her hand at silence instead.

As the evening wore on and Gobby rejoined the pack, Spudgirl could not fail to be impressed as Billy enticed her with his card trick expertise whilst Ol' blue Eyes declared it was a shame it didn't work for horses!

A New Dimension

Gobby was about to ask if Billy Idle would mind if she went down the Local without him.

However, it only took one glimpse of him in his new 3D utopia to realise her absence would not even be noticed.

Several days later, as Billy Idle got somewhat carried away whilst sharing the love of his new TV with the Regulars, Tubthumper did have to intervene with his superior knowledge explaining that surely Billy was mistaken in the use of the term '3D disk' as that would, surely, be a cylinder.

Ol' Blue Eyes, on the other hand, declared that he was more than satisfied with Billy's explanation of a dongle as, prior to that evening, he has always attributed these to boy scouts.

An Unwelcome Return

As the Regulars were rudely awakened for the first un-eagerly anticipated working day of the New Year they were appalled to see the wintry weather had returned.

This dismay did not, this time, reflect the possibility of a return of dangerous and challenging journeys to and from their respective places of employment, but more that the horrors of extreme conditions clothing they had hope to put behind them may be set to return:

Out With the Old and in with Something Imperceptibly Different from the Old

The Regulars never felt they had anything to fear as the New Year beckoned, fully confident in the fact that nothing was likely to change or advance in the Shire.


They were, therefore more than happy to commune down the Local and further reassured as Robbin' Get arrived sporting the same jumper for the 3rd consecutive New Year's Eve.















To kick off the celebrations the world's campest Redcoat arrived to crank up the enjoyment levels:



Although not all the Regulars were overjoyed to hear Billy Idle, the karaoke king, had been rebooked.



Thankfully this year's Lady Gaga rendition, with a particularly serious poker face, was far superior to the horrors of that of Ol' Blue Eyes during the previous festive season.

Although Buzz Lightyear, trusted landlord, did seem somewhat perturbed to see this year the old crooner had moved his attention to Marlene.

Tubthumper paid the utmost of attention as Spudgirl made his list of new year resolutions clear to him.

 

Whilst she herself tried hard with some last-minute smiling practice realising the bells would soon chime and she would be forced to pretend to like people for the first hour or so of the New Year.




Jordan showed her highest level of delight when one barrel ran dry and was replaced by her favourite ale.

And, thankfully, somebody finally came forward and agreed to duet with Billy.



















Tattoo brought a degree of gravity to the proceedings.



Whilst with the observable effort put into his performance, the Regulars sincerely hoped that after his somewhat unsettled Christmas, the Manic Miner was, as proclaimed, truly 'solid again'.





A fabulous night was had by all then, as quickly as they came, the Regulars left again, terrified when time was called and they were ordered out by Marlene.

True to Form

Ol'Blue Eyes could not believe his luck on receiving such an appropriate Christmas gift and only hope this luck could continue into the flat season.

Vision On

With hindsight and after using her long-suffering unsuspecting mother as a lab test specimen, Gobby realised she had been a little hasty in prejudging Billy Idle's latest wholly unnecessary 3D purchase and, thankfully, there was no way in which they could possibly look utterly ridiculous within the confines of their own living room as she had initially feared.

A Hanging Offence

Gobby was particularly proud of her DIY skills in erecting a hanging rail to keep the bedroom tidy.

It would seem, however, that Billy Idle, on the other hand, had not quite yet grasped the concept of how to make best use of this.

Natural Selection

Despite being faced with the evidence and Billy Idle's best protestations, Gobby was not entirely convinced that the Rupies had broken into one of the selection boxes far earlier than permitted completely of their own accord.

Snow Chance

Whilst the Shire had indubitably seen some of the heaviest snowfall in many a year, the Regulars were not entirely convinced by The Dark Lord's alleged sightings:

A Touching Gift

As Billy Idle's birthday loomed and very limited supplies were making it through the Shire due to the snow Gobby was delighted when she happened upon the perfect gift as a token of her affection:

Snow Mean Feat

Gobby was under impressed with Billy Idle as he returned from work after a treacherous two hour trip through a blizzard that had made driving conditions so hazardous it had taken all his skill and concentration to photograph these whilst driving:

 

To make amends Billy promised to build a snow sculpture that would serve to impress her and make the most of the snowbound conditions in the Shire.

Unconvinced at first Gobby decided to give him  the benefit of the doubt as he set to work.

Work was progressing well until, due to a change in temperature, the head fell off leaving Gobby the proud owner of a garden sculpture of a giant snow cock:

However, defying all criticism, there was universal praise of Billy's final Snow Bear masterpiece.

Hair Today...

As Jordan rubbed her eyes in disbelief at seeing Billy Idle conscious and down town before noon Billy explained how his habitual slackness had led to the urgency of not sleeping past Billy Clip the Barber's opening hours for yet another week.

In subsequent discussions down the Local Tattoo declared he might,

"Have his hair dyed."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes pointed out,

"Yours died a long time ago."

Shirty

Gobby was delighted when, one day, Billy Idle took it upon himself to complete some household chores and wash his own T-shirt for once.

She should have realised that her reprieve would be but the briefest when seconds after emptying the wash basket he shouted upstairs room;

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

Eager to help and educate as ever Gobby began to lead him through  he process asking:

"It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

And immediately realised all hope of progress was futile on hearing his response of:

"Tottenham Hotspur!"

Coach Trip

The Regulars feared for the safety of the other passengers when Spudgirl announced she and Tubthumper would be taking in the delights of a holiday in Spain via a 2 day coach trip there and back from the Shire.

They breathed a sigh of relief, however, when the very worst to come out of said trip was merely 2 OAPs voted off and a particularly bad limerick:

There were two little old ladies from Kent

Who drove me crackers wherever we went

Rustling food wrappers while eating

And chattering while we were sleeping

I would have killed them if I was of that bent.