Refinement

As the Regulars discussed times old and new down the Local Spudgirl commented that, despite much progress, she hadn't yet quite cut it as a Northerner.

Ol' Blue Eyes concluded that was because she,

"Still had a bit of refinement".

To which Gobby, aghast, had to refute:

"From Essex??!?!?"

  

Accessories

The Regulars were extremely impressed with Hamish's ability to accessorise over the festive period:

Also concluding he had made far more effort than the Local itself, where things had now reached so low that, why bother with Christmas decorations when you can use beermats?

Hair Today...

As the Regulars bemoaned their thinning hairlines Billy Idle particularly lamented his loss saying he was having trouble 'hanging onto his fringe':

To which Ol' Blue Eyes exploded declaring,

"Fringe??!?!?"

"I've never seen a fringe at the back before!"

Billy tried to defend his position claiming it to be a 'DA'.

Which Ol' Blue Eyes spurned as,

"Dead on arrival?!"

Billy also warned against subjecting any remaining follicles to a cut on the days when the barber of choice is substituted by 'The One from Brigg', claiming that during a recent visit:

"She was the one that ****ed it up."

Leading to a further explosion from Ol' Blue Eyes declaring,

"You mean you've got someone to blame?!"

There's Always One

WHY?

A Close Shave

Delighted though they were to hear that Tattoo had survived his most recent surgical intervention, the Regulars could not help but allow themselves a stifled titter on hearing:

"I spent hours shaving myself into a loveheart specially and then they went in through my arm."

Skirting the Issue

As Gobby arrived down the Local in a skirt, the Regulars strove to save her  modestly, well aware of their experiences of her previous lack of success in this scenario.

Undeterred Gobby pointed out she had taken precautions and has a particularly thick gusset.

It took Ol' Blue Eyes some to to recover from one of the visiting Regulars' questions of:

"What's a gusset?"

Not to mention his follow up of:

"I though it was a euphemism and you you meant you had a particularly large $*%^£*);!"





















Leading to the following exchange between Gobby and Billy Idle:

"He says I've got a wide gusset!"

"You probably have."

"Nice that you've checked recently!"

Bang On!

Ruminating over Christmases past Hamish reminisced as to how his father had been:

"Lead singer of a band called the Detonators."

Adding.

"Don't set him off!"

Has Bean

Despite his protestations as to 'Beanz meanz Heinz', Gobby pointed out to Billy:

£1.19 vs. 75p?!

Unless you actually go into anaphylactic shock after trying them it'll be 'Bring out the Branston' all the way in future.

Gifted

It would seem, that with such thoughtful friends when it came to gifts, all Gobby's Christmases had come early. Far too early.

Mischief

It didn't take Gobby long to work out which of their friends had 'called round' on mischief night.

Pussy

Tubthumper wanted to reassure the Regulars that, if they didn't know what Pussy tasted like, or it had been a while, they merely had to get themselves down to Poundland in Scunthorpe.

Universally Challenged

And finally, Billy Idle got a question right.

Matted

Gobby was underwhelmed by Billy Idle's efforts to protect the furniture feeling the need to ask,

"Do we have so few mats and coasters to our name thus meaning we ALL have to use 'Gardeners' World' magazine?!"

All Hallows

The Regulars were initially highly impressed to hear that Hamish had gone to some effort to decorate his abode for Halloween.

Indeed, considering how far his previous attempts at home decoration had been wide of the mark, (see Decorum and A Guiding Light ) they could hardly wait to paint their faces (Except Tattoo of course; no need) and go trick-or treating.

Clearly Kirstie Allsopp has no need to worry as yet.

Sampling

There come times when, tidying up round the house after Billy Idle, Gobby cannot help but despairingly asking herself the question:



"How can they not know it's a carpet sample not a mat?!

Bulk

Again Gobby felt her home economic skills and thrifty talent to be wholly undervalued as, after a recent fruitful money-saving jaunt, all her concerted effort received on Billy Idle's homecoming was:

"Oooh, shall we invite the neighbours round for a shit?"

Shirty

Gobby had to confess to a unprecedented fit of puerility when, as Billy Idle piqued her during a particularly uncooperative effort to add to the weekly shopping list, she saw fit to take use the chalk held in her hand and express her true feelings on the back of the T-shirt he was wearing.

Considerably later, after the (chalk) dust had settled and they retired harmoniously for the evening, Gobby did check to make sure Billy had placed the article in question in the wash basket so she could make amends. 

She was more than slightly surprised when the answer came back as 'no' and to find the garment had been placed on Billy's (on occasions precariously high and regularly somewhat foetid)  'rewear' pile.

So much so that she had to probe,

"And on just which future occasion do you think your C**T shirt will be suitable?"

Tribute

After completing the double, Gobby and Billy Idle felt they needed to mark the end to the season with a fitting tribute, and what could pay more homage than an article of such outstanding quality:





















And any doubts at the calibre of such an item were soon assuaged when Gobby admitted to the purchase to her considerably posher friend who subsequently led her down the garden path to admire the following:

Feeling vindicated Gobby relayed the evidence to Billy idle who simply elucidated:

"That merely makes her more chav not you less so!"

Headcase

Jordan was not particularly impressed with Tattoo's experimental use of her prized new kitchen purchase.

Although the rest of the Regulars were amazed his head could be any more shiny.

Novelty

On a pre-beer-trip stomach lining expedition Gobby was somewhat terrified by the produce on offer by a well-known pasty purveyor not to mention as to at a loss at what to do with said item.

As Luck would Have It

Gobby felt confident for the semifinal win as, in addition to the team colours:

Billy Idle announced he had also put on his 'lucky underpants'.



So lucky, it would seem, they stayed on a whole 3 days.

Saucy

During dinner Gobby felt her choice of condiments to be insufficient and, as Billy Idle rose to replenish his plate, she was sure that by pointing to the bottle on the table and clearing stating: 'Please bring me the the brown one of these from the cupboard,'




















That even Billy could manage to find and return with this:

But, alas, no.

As ever, she should have just gone to get it herself.

Derby Day

Astonishing, really that even this homage could not force a win.

A Helping Paw

With a hard day's gardening ahead Gobby was not overly impressed with the efforts of the help she had brought in.

Half Cut

Gobby had to admit that Hellrunner's 40th birthday must have been a splendid night as she woke up the next morning entirely naked from the waist down but fully clothed, accessorized and made-up from the waist up.

She did, however, take offense to Billy Idle's claims that she,

"Walked home like that".

Mowning

On hearing the words,

"Have you noticed your water butt?"

Gobby's heart sank to her muddy boots as this could only mean another lawnmower-based disaster in her beloved garden.

Indeed, she feared it would be akin to the recent,

"I may have bashed into one of your metal pots and dented it slightly."

Which, after translating from Billy Idle's somewhat sheepish expression and well-known lack of affinity with the truth, Gobby ascertained to be:

"So, what you're saying is, you have definitely bashed into one of my metal pots and dented the shit out of it."

Although this did not surpass the previous:

"Have you mown up my strawberry nets?!"

"Ah, I was going to mention that."

"WHEN??!!  When I noticed and asked, HAVE YOU MOWN UP MY STRAWBERRY NETS??!!?!"



However, Gobby felt the situation could be improved by the introduction of clear garden signage.

Either that or it is simply time to get a goat.

On Your Bike

Delighted though she was at his level of enthusiasm and fitness on joining the CAMRA branch bike ride, Gobby could only muse as to who had dressed Billy idle that morning and as to for what event, circumstance or scenario such attire could ever be deemed 'appropriate'.

Moreover, why anyone in possession of their own legs would go for the 'artificial leg' look.

No Sale

Loath to admit it though she was, even Gobby knew there were still some items out there that shouldn't be purchased.

Even at "3 for £1" in Heron:

Collectable

Gobby would always be the first to admit to being severely numerically challenged.  However, during a recent 'shit shop', even she could see the flaw in the collectability challenge:

Lurve

No matter how inspiring and fulfilling a rare to trip to TKMaxx may be, Gobby didn't feel it could actually convince her to: