And They're Off!!

After previous failed attempts and lack of success in the growing stakes, (see Judgment Day) plus taunting texts from other Regulars on their headway in the matter, Gobby felt any encouragement and motivational tactics were worth a try.

Chocolate Drop

The Regulars had truly believed Hamish might finally be on the brink of achieving his dream job from recent discussions down The Local.

That was until this particularly charming rejection letter arrived.

Bookend

Gobby couldn't help noticing Dr Johnson had moved on considerably since she pored over his previous work during lexicography lectures.

The End

On a rare and  harmonious joint shopping outing, as Billy Idle and Gobby admired the well-hung produce of the local butcher, Jordan appeared also approving of his tasty wares.

Gobby and Billy could only look on and marvel as she was personally hand-fed with over-the-counter titbits as they looked on hungrily.

But as Jordan pointed out:

"He always gives me his end."

Jai Po!!!

Despite many previous attempts by the Regulars to prevent her access to a particularly potent elixir, Gobby still found outlets prepared to serve her and expressed her undying love for the product in question.























Although, not at an eye-watering  £5.60 a pint in a local establishment that shall not be named (but was the host venue for the recent CAMRA AGM...)


That'll teach the Regulars to leave the safety the mother ship.

Underhand

As Gobby lamented that her ploy of confiscating items from Billy Idle and hiding them in her knicker drawer had been unsuccessful as he had still managed to find them, Crusty did wonder:

"What were you doing in her knicker drawer?"

Billy soon cleared up any confusion explaining:

"Just seeing of she had any new pairs I hadn't tried on yet."






IF ONLY...!!

Spotter

The Regulars were delighted to finally find a use for Tattoo.

Kiwi

Gobby surmised:

That should teach a grown middle-aged man about whinging over his kiwi fruit 'not being chopped up well enough' in his packed lunch tomorrow.

 Imagine her surprise on receiving constructive feedback:

Amnesty

Gobby truly never thought she would live long enough to witness a 'museli bar amnesty'.

She really should know by now not to underestimate Billy Idle:

Horseplay

As Tubthumper regaled the Regulars with tales of his recent foreign food feats where he had seemingly chomped his way through a horse with a puffin side; Ol' Blue Eyes lamented:



"I bet it went down his gullet quicker than mine past the post!"

Indecorum

The Regulars simply had to look away down the Local when Billy Idle instructed Spudgirl:



"I'll hold it out - you have a feel!"

A Storm Brewing

Predictably, (unlike the weather), Hamish's job as a weather girl was short-lived.

Pastures New

It would seem the New Year had not improved Hamish's relations on the street:

Footnotes

Whilst Gobby was delighted to note that Billy Idle had taken notice and not trailed daily filth back from Doncaster onto their new carpets, she did have to reprimand him slightly for venturing outside to the car in his slippers.

Billy decided what he needed for such occasions were 'outdoor slippers' so he would not have to wear his 'indoor slippers' outside but could wear his 'outdoor slippers' than change back into his 'indoor slippers' once inside.

Gobby clarified the situation and that,

"You DO have 'outdoor slippers': they're called SHOES."

New Year New Career

Yet again, the Regulars had to inform Hamish that his new food packaging career move for 2014 was, like the many he had tried, unsuitable. 








 

New Wave

Gobby couldn't really understand what all the fuss was about but, after 7 years, did relent and agree that maybe microwaves were contraptions that may sporadically need to be cleaned.

Behold the before and after photos of her labours:

I.e. BEFORE bequeathing the old on to the tip and AFTER sending Billy Idle to buy a new one having decided there was no way she was putting her hand in there.

Refinement

As the Regulars discussed times old and new down the Local Spudgirl commented that, despite much progress, she hadn't yet quite cut it as a Northerner.

Ol' Blue Eyes concluded that was because she,

"Still had a bit of refinement".

To which Gobby, aghast, had to refute:

"From Essex??!?!?"

  

Accessories

The Regulars were extremely impressed with Hamish's ability to accessorise over the festive period:

Also concluding he had made far more effort than the Local itself, where things had now reached so low that, why bother with Christmas decorations when you can use beermats?

Hair Today...

As the Regulars bemoaned their thinning hairlines Billy Idle particularly lamented his loss saying he was having trouble 'hanging onto his fringe':

To which Ol' Blue Eyes exploded declaring,

"Fringe??!?!?"

"I've never seen a fringe at the back before!"

Billy tried to defend his position claiming it to be a 'DA'.

Which Ol' Blue Eyes spurned as,

"Dead on arrival?!"

Billy also warned against subjecting any remaining follicles to a cut on the days when the barber of choice is substituted by 'The One from Brigg', claiming that during a recent visit:

"She was the one that ****ed it up."

Leading to a further explosion from Ol' Blue Eyes declaring,

"You mean you've got someone to blame?!"

There's Always One

WHY?

A Close Shave

Delighted though they were to hear that Tattoo had survived his most recent surgical intervention, the Regulars could not help but allow themselves a stifled titter on hearing:

"I spent hours shaving myself into a loveheart specially and then they went in through my arm."

Skirting the Issue

As Gobby arrived down the Local in a skirt, the Regulars strove to save her  modestly, well aware of their experiences of her previous lack of success in this scenario.

Undeterred Gobby pointed out she had taken precautions and has a particularly thick gusset.

It took Ol' Blue Eyes some to to recover from one of the visiting Regulars' questions of:

"What's a gusset?"

Not to mention his follow up of:

"I though it was a euphemism and you you meant you had a particularly large $*%^£*);!"





















Leading to the following exchange between Gobby and Billy Idle:

"He says I've got a wide gusset!"

"You probably have."

"Nice that you've checked recently!"

Bang On!

Ruminating over Christmases past Hamish reminisced as to how his father had been:

"Lead singer of a band called the Detonators."

Adding.

"Don't set him off!"

Has Bean

Despite his protestations as to 'Beanz meanz Heinz', Gobby pointed out to Billy:

£1.19 vs. 75p?!

Unless you actually go into anaphylactic shock after trying them it'll be 'Bring out the Branston' all the way in future.

Gifted

It would seem, that with such thoughtful friends when it came to gifts, all Gobby's Christmases had come early. Far too early.

Mischief

It didn't take Gobby long to work out which of their friends had 'called round' on mischief night.

Pussy

Tubthumper wanted to reassure the Regulars that, if they didn't know what Pussy tasted like, or it had been a while, they merely had to get themselves down to Poundland in Scunthorpe.

Universally Challenged

And finally, Billy Idle got a question right.

Matted

Gobby was underwhelmed by Billy Idle's efforts to protect the furniture feeling the need to ask,

"Do we have so few mats and coasters to our name thus meaning we ALL have to use 'Gardeners' World' magazine?!"

All Hallows

The Regulars were initially highly impressed to hear that Hamish had gone to some effort to decorate his abode for Halloween.

Indeed, considering how far his previous attempts at home decoration had been wide of the mark, (see Decorum and A Guiding Light ) they could hardly wait to paint their faces (Except Tattoo of course; no need) and go trick-or treating.

Clearly Kirstie Allsopp has no need to worry as yet.