Several of The Regulars would do their best to slope off from work early on a Friday and slope into The Local to wet their whistles for the weekend (except Gobby, whose devotion to the rat race was such that she would often make an especially concerted effort to get up in time for such a rendezvous).
Many hours could be whiled away listening to the pearls of wisdom and philosophical musings from the collective insight of those present, no longer of any use to society, propping up the bar.
As the Three Stooges cogitated over the finer points of life and the Mirror Quizword it was with fondness that they recalled a former Barton resident asking if anyone remembered:
"Maureen with one leg".
The Regulars tried hard to recall such a resident and were just about to give up when, mercifully, with a blinding flash of inspiration one of the Stooges interjected with,
"Do you mean one-legged Maureen?"
It was generally agreed, that short of a cooincidence of gargantuan scale, that this, indeed, was most likely to be the same individual in question.
However, when one of the Stooges further mooted,
"Imagine that, a woman with one leg called Maureen. I wonder what she called the other one?"
Gobby decided it was time to make tracks as you could have too much intellectual conversation at one sitting what with the evening session yet to come...
Monday, 10 December 2007
Sunday, 2 December 2007
A Dog's Life
With much reluctance Gobby grudgingly agreed to the imposition of family dogsitting for the weekend.
She made her feelings particularly clear, however, in that she very much resented a weekend of looking after a fat, lazy, ginger lump.
Plus a dog.
She made her feelings particularly clear, however, in that she very much resented a weekend of looking after a fat, lazy, ginger lump.
Plus a dog.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Billy's Buttocks
Gobby was not at all pleased to have her homemaking skills called into question on finding a note left for her from Billy Idle closely resembling a begging letter:
Further explanation of Billy's disdain for Gobby's environmentally friendly purchasing of recycled toilet paper ensued, likening the experience to 'wiping his arse on glass'.
Indeed, not content with berating her woeful wifely performance within the home, Billy saw fit to engage the support of The Regulars in the pursuit of a wipe more befitting of his delicate derriere declaring down The Local that:
Despite her protestations that it was, after all, only for wiping arses, even ones as delicate as Billy's little peach, The Regulars felt that in order to further educate and guide Gobby in her toilet roll selection and purchasing skills that it would be a wise move to equip her with a range of swatches for ease of comparison. Tattoo proved to be particularly helpful in this area by sourcing a first sample suitable for yet another alias 'Beauty Buttocks' from the gents down The Local although possibly not helpful enough as, when he noticed Billy testing said sample (thankfully only on his face) did he see fit to point out that he had never declared specifically where he had found this nor claimed it to be unused.
To put an end to such ridiculous and unnecessary discussion Gobby reminded The Regulars of the true sole purpose of the item in question and on a particularly determined subsequent homemaking shopping excursion made sure that the item puchased did 'exactly what it said on the tin' and would keep everybody happy.
Further explanation of Billy's disdain for Gobby's environmentally friendly purchasing of recycled toilet paper ensued, likening the experience to 'wiping his arse on glass'.
Indeed, not content with berating her woeful wifely performance within the home, Billy saw fit to engage the support of The Regulars in the pursuit of a wipe more befitting of his delicate derriere declaring down The Local that:
"The big issue is soft tissue."
Despite her protestations that it was, after all, only for wiping arses, even ones as delicate as Billy's little peach, The Regulars felt that in order to further educate and guide Gobby in her toilet roll selection and purchasing skills that it would be a wise move to equip her with a range of swatches for ease of comparison. Tattoo proved to be particularly helpful in this area by sourcing a first sample suitable for yet another alias 'Beauty Buttocks' from the gents down The Local although possibly not helpful enough as, when he noticed Billy testing said sample (thankfully only on his face) did he see fit to point out that he had never declared specifically where he had found this nor claimed it to be unused.
To put an end to such ridiculous and unnecessary discussion Gobby reminded The Regulars of the true sole purpose of the item in question and on a particularly determined subsequent homemaking shopping excursion made sure that the item puchased did 'exactly what it said on the tin' and would keep everybody happy.
Friday, 30 November 2007
All at sea
There are few communities to be found where the local residents could be said to supersede those of the hotbed of Barton when it comes to having their finger on the pulse where current affairs and matters of national importance are concerned.
It was then, with great consternation during this week's pub quiz down the Local that The Regulars shook their communal heads in dismay when unable to identify the pop star recently in court for chaining a male escort to a whale.
Fortunately, and with an uncanny degree of regularity lately, all was revealed on a reiteration of the question in hand by Quiz-mistress Dolly Parton and The Regulars were somewhat relieved to find out that, all Boy George had actually been arrested for was:
Chaining a male escort to a WALL.
It was then, with great consternation during this week's pub quiz down the Local that The Regulars shook their communal heads in dismay when unable to identify the pop star recently in court for chaining a male escort to a whale.
Fortunately, and with an uncanny degree of regularity lately, all was revealed on a reiteration of the question in hand by Quiz-mistress Dolly Parton and The Regulars were somewhat relieved to find out that, all Boy George had actually been arrested for was:
Chaining a male escort to a WALL.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Pure Mathematics
Knowledge and use of basic mathematics has always been an inherent and integral part of individual and group life and clearly never more so than amongst The Regulars when faced with the weekly intellectual challenge of pub quiz down The Local.
Whilst it is an accepted fact that, by the time the Renaissance was under way, scientists were beginning to grapple with new concepts and working out how mathematics could be used to explain the world around them, even the vast collective intellect of The Regulars and, indeed, a by now honorary Regular at pub quiz, Archimedes - a mathematical genius centuries ahead of his time, may have struggled to come to terms with with the particular complexity of the undeniably challenging pub quiz question of:
“Name the numeral system that represents numeric values using only the numbers 0 and 17.”
Were it not for a more meticulous re-reading of the question by Quiz-Mistress Dolly Parton and a hasty correction to,
“Actually, it’s 0, 1 and a question mark!”
there would have been a distinct possibility that The Regulars could have been puzzling yet.
Whilst it is an accepted fact that, by the time the Renaissance was under way, scientists were beginning to grapple with new concepts and working out how mathematics could be used to explain the world around them, even the vast collective intellect of The Regulars and, indeed, a by now honorary Regular at pub quiz, Archimedes - a mathematical genius centuries ahead of his time, may have struggled to come to terms with with the particular complexity of the undeniably challenging pub quiz question of:
“Name the numeral system that represents numeric values using only the numbers 0 and 17.”
Were it not for a more meticulous re-reading of the question by Quiz-Mistress Dolly Parton and a hasty correction to,
“Actually, it’s 0, 1 and a question mark!”
there would have been a distinct possibility that The Regulars could have been puzzling yet.
Monday, 19 November 2007
Vaguely Familiar
It had been some months since Billy Idle saw fit to assume several aliases (for reference visit Barton Lives archives May 2006 to rekindle the friendship of 'Studyboy' and 'Supershag').
However, thanks to the all-consuming nature of his new employment, down the Local one Friday evening Ol' Blue Eyes did point out to all and sundry that he could indeed confirm a rare sighting of 'The Hermit'.
And Studyboy's trusty former superhero sidekick, Buyergirl, came up with a genius suggestion to save the world:
"Move his bed to The Local."
However, thanks to the all-consuming nature of his new employment, down the Local one Friday evening Ol' Blue Eyes did point out to all and sundry that he could indeed confirm a rare sighting of 'The Hermit'.
And Studyboy's trusty former superhero sidekick, Buyergirl, came up with a genius suggestion to save the world:
"Move his bed to The Local."
Heart-warming
Whilst trudging through the damp depressing shopping streets on a very grey Barton Monday, Gobby found her spirits lifted on seeing the welcoming lights of a cosy local establishment and popped in for a few moments of friendly cheer and respite from the dismal weather with a fellow Regular.
In fact, so warming a welcome did she receive from the ever benevolent shopkeeper, Mel Smith, that Gobby felt it only fair and just to return the favour and, bidding a cheery farewell, she offered to further enhance the appeal of his emporium to the good people of Barton by leaving the front door open to let in some heat.
In fact, so warming a welcome did she receive from the ever benevolent shopkeeper, Mel Smith, that Gobby felt it only fair and just to return the favour and, bidding a cheery farewell, she offered to further enhance the appeal of his emporium to the good people of Barton by leaving the front door open to let in some heat.
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Diagnosis
Whilst waiting in the doctor's surgery one morning with Zig covered, not in blue ink for a change, but in an outbreak of something even more unpleasant looking Pocahontas had a flash of inspiration.
As the doctor diagnosed chickenpox, with a streak of cunning and a mean look in her eye Pocahontas added,
"And isn't it true, Doctor, that Zig's chickenpox are a direct result of his playing his drums too loud?"
To which the Doctor, quick as a flash backed her up and reinforced this.
It would seem that Zig must have spent the rest of the day trying to process such a revelation and when Rick Francis returned home that evening and asked about his trip to the doctors Zig announced with great conviction that he was indeed suffering from:
"CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS!"
As the doctor diagnosed chickenpox, with a streak of cunning and a mean look in her eye Pocahontas added,
"And isn't it true, Doctor, that Zig's chickenpox are a direct result of his playing his drums too loud?"
To which the Doctor, quick as a flash backed her up and reinforced this.
It would seem that Zig must have spent the rest of the day trying to process such a revelation and when Rick Francis returned home that evening and asked about his trip to the doctors Zig announced with great conviction that he was indeed suffering from:
"CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS!"
Thursday, 8 November 2007
Make mine a large one
Rick Francis decided to brighten up a potentially dull November day by issuing a new challenge to The Regulars:
"Now the voting is hotting up. Who will be the sexiest male this month? "
Gobby had to admit, as she viewed the competition, that she was not entirely convinced by Rick's words of reassurance as he threw down the gauntlet:
"You do realise that if Billy wins this months sexiest man, you will NEVER be able to complain about his weight again. If all female Tiscali voters reckon it's sexy to be........................ let's say cuddly, then you should happy. "
And she had to admit,
"There is just the timiest piece of nagging doubt in my mind that makes me wonder if all women would actually think that...
Can't think why..."
However, in desperation she begged anyone who might be foolhardy enough to cast a vote in the correct direction
but was only cast into further doubt when Evil Twin, after helping with the cause saw fit to point out:
i like it how at the end of the link below it says....
large1
hmmmm!!
http://www.tiscali.co.uk/community/galleries/rate/community/sexymale-november2007/large/1
"Now the voting is hotting up. Who will be the sexiest male this month? "
Gobby had to admit, as she viewed the competition, that she was not entirely convinced by Rick's words of reassurance as he threw down the gauntlet:
"You do realise that if Billy wins this months sexiest man, you will NEVER be able to complain about his weight again. If all female Tiscali voters reckon it's sexy to be........................ let's say cuddly, then you should happy. "
And she had to admit,
"There is just the timiest piece of nagging doubt in my mind that makes me wonder if all women would actually think that...
Can't think why..."
However, in desperation she begged anyone who might be foolhardy enough to cast a vote in the correct direction
but was only cast into further doubt when Evil Twin, after helping with the cause saw fit to point out:
i like it how at the end of the link below it says....
large1
hmmmm!!
http://www.tiscali.co.uk/community/galleries/rate/community/sexymale-november2007/large/1
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
Daylight Robbery
It is not often that Robin Get meets his match in 21st century 'rip-off Britain' but on this occasion Santa's little helpers certainly had not provided the best of "Offers Yule Love" and would have been best advised to run for cover when he vented his displeasure at a particularly "SPECIAL OFFER" of 6 baking potaotes for a snip of a price at only:
FOUR POUNDS FIFTY FACKING SIX!!
FOUR POUNDS FIFTY FACKING SIX!!
Friday, 2 November 2007
Why Hamish is not allowed to work in an office
The Regulars had been concerned at Hamish's seemingly recent lack of job satisfaction, multiple career paths and, moreover, his need to vacate The Local at a reasonable hour on Friday evenings to pursue his chosen course.
However, after much discussion it was mutually agreed that there were far more unsuitable career choices he could have made...
Thursday, 25 October 2007
A Sticky Situation
After an undisclosed and messy incident at the rubber plant it looked like a long shift ahead for Rick Francis and Tubthumper.
Pocahontas was somewhat concerned on receiving an explanatory phonecall from Tubthumper rather than her own partner of choice but Tubthumper cleared up any confusion explaining that he had been designated as, being furthest from the epicentre, unlike his colleagues he was the only one not currently adhered to the walls or floor and also able to use the phone without it becoming a permanent appendage. His secondary reason, however, in that he had been unable to ring his own better half as he had inadvertently forgotten his own home telephone number was considerably less impressive.
The repercussions of the aforementioned industrial incident would pale into insignificance compared with the sticky end facing Tubthumper and his inopportune memory lapse on his return to Spudgirl that evening...
Where are we all coming from...?
It was with a sense of horror only perceptible to mothers of small children that, on returning downstairs with yet another load of toddler-stained washing, Pocahontas found that her entire lounge and hallway had been given a less than sympathetic instant makeover and that she was now the proud parent of the newest additions to The Smurfs.
Continuing Professional Development
The Regulars were suitably impressed at Spudgirl's fast-tracking career in the vegetable processing world as she proudly anounced down The Local that, so in demand were her talents, she would be,
"Relinquishing onions to concentrate solely on potatoes with effect from Monday".
"Relinquishing onions to concentrate solely on potatoes with effect from Monday".
Thursday, 18 October 2007
Billy Idle's Hidden Talents
The Regulars had been taken aback by Billy Idle's self-sacrifice and attention to duty in his new job (see Billy goes to Brum).
Imagine their awe when they found out not only was he managing to hold down a position of such responsibility but had also taken on the additional workload of a part-time modelling contract:
Billy's Worst Nightmare
Billy Idle felt the fear and sheer panic grip him and take over his entire body. So strong were his feelings of horror that he was unable to move a muscle (no change there then...)
Then the shock became to much for him to bear and he began to scream uncontrollably.
At which point Gobby woke up and reassured him whatever had befallen was only a dream and to go back to sleep.
Then the shock became to much for him to bear and he began to scream uncontrollably.
At which point Gobby woke up and reassured him whatever had befallen was only a dream and to go back to sleep.
Billy goes to Brum
Keen and conscientious in his new job Billy Idle prepared meticulously for his first solo business trip to somewhere he believed to be 'near Birmingham'.
So determined to make this one more successful than the last Eddie Kid wall of death experience (see last month) that he even sacrificed the evening at pub quiz. Gobby, stunned into disbelief reminded him of the pact they had made that Quiz Night came before everything and absence was only permitted by deathbed and of their promise and commitment to uphold this binding agreement together, then promptly shrugged her shoulders and went without him.
Incredibly Billy roused himself at the crack of dawn rather than the crack of noon and set off bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with the intention of a wholly alien concept to him that somebody must have explained: that of being early.
However, on being roused from the luxury of a snore-free environment with a ''Lost in Birmingham" text several hours later Gobby briefly acknowledged that all had perhaps not gone to plan as she turned her phone off to avoid any more unnecessary interruptions and rolled back over taking advantage of the vast amount of space mysteriously freed up in the bed that morning.
However, on reflection she realised the crux of the matter not going to plan was in fact, that in order to do so there must, initially actually be a plan afoot and perhaps the lack of any map or contact numbers may have been the root cause of Billy's problems.
Eventually, several hours, service stations, maps, phone calls, at least one speed trap, several buildings and a room full of unsuspecting women later Billy finally made it to the meeting, fashionably late as ever (well at least he is fashionable in some respect) at which his unsuspecting colleagues humourously asked him if he had just got up.
The shock of this proved all too much for Billy who spent the entire weekend in a position not dissimilar to the recovery position and to the shock of all The Regulars proved too debilitated to make it to The Local at all despite many texts of encouragement such as "You girl!"
The moral of the story being that 'near Birmingham' may not be quite the specific grid reference required and that the mystical world of cartography is not to be feared as much as when we believed the world to be flat (it's not flat, Billy) and The Regulars can only wait in hope that perhaps, one day Billy may manage a successful business trip... 
So determined to make this one more successful than the last Eddie Kid wall of death experience (see last month) that he even sacrificed the evening at pub quiz. Gobby, stunned into disbelief reminded him of the pact they had made that Quiz Night came before everything and absence was only permitted by deathbed and of their promise and commitment to uphold this binding agreement together, then promptly shrugged her shoulders and went without him.
Incredibly Billy roused himself at the crack of dawn rather than the crack of noon and set off bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with the intention of a wholly alien concept to him that somebody must have explained: that of being early.
However, on being roused from the luxury of a snore-free environment with a ''Lost in Birmingham" text several hours later Gobby briefly acknowledged that all had perhaps not gone to plan as she turned her phone off to avoid any more unnecessary interruptions and rolled back over taking advantage of the vast amount of space mysteriously freed up in the bed that morning.
However, on reflection she realised the crux of the matter not going to plan was in fact, that in order to do so there must, initially actually be a plan afoot and perhaps the lack of any map or contact numbers may have been the root cause of Billy's problems.
Eventually, several hours, service stations, maps, phone calls, at least one speed trap, several buildings and a room full of unsuspecting women later Billy finally made it to the meeting, fashionably late as ever (well at least he is fashionable in some respect) at which his unsuspecting colleagues humourously asked him if he had just got up.
The shock of this proved all too much for Billy who spent the entire weekend in a position not dissimilar to the recovery position and to the shock of all The Regulars proved too debilitated to make it to The Local at all despite many texts of encouragement such as "You girl!"
The moral of the story being that 'near Birmingham' may not be quite the specific grid reference required and that the mystical world of cartography is not to be feared as much as when we believed the world to be flat (it's not flat, Billy) and The Regulars can only wait in hope that perhaps, one day Billy may manage a successful business trip...
Sunday, 14 October 2007
October 2007
It would seem that Evil Twin's debut was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to new talent.
No sooner had the episode been released when Gobby received further communication:
Gobby, Do I not get a mention in your Barton Lives thing???? If you are struggling with a nickname I think BIGCOCK would be most accurate! Evil Twin's adoring husband.
To which Gobby, rolling her eyes, had to reiterate that the objective was not actually to have Barton Lives banned again the very day it had been restored...
Having been reliably informed that Barton Lives had a new fan Gobby did her best as always to welcome an addition to the faithful flock.
So much so she even went so far as to inform said new fan of her forthcoming inclusion in the proceedings:
A WARNING that you are soon to make your debut appearance on Barton Lives.
It is amazing, however how the merest whiff of fame and fortune can alter a seemingly composed, self-effacing and modest person and person:
"WHAT?????? Have you spoken to my agent? I demand my own dressing room and a lifetime's supply of beetroot."
It would seem that such an attitude only escalated on observing her debut performance amongst The Regulars,
EVILTWIN???? I sound like an extra from the Amityville Horror. thanks!! adding:
IT'S NOT EVEN AN ANAGRAM OF
'NICE TITS'....
To which Gobby took great delight in pointing out that Evil Twin had now been fully welcomed into the fold as she had succumbed, been subliminally drawn in as with all the others and was now unbeknown to herself writing the next episode
Gobby was delighted on the return of Barton Lives but felt the need to probe deeper into its sudden disappearance after further correspondence from the powers that be:
Hello Barton_Lives,Thank you for writing back to Windows Live Spaces Customer Support. We have investigated your Space, Barton-Lives, and found it to be in violation of the Windows Live Spaces Code of Conduct for containing images of adult content. However, we will give you another chance to remove these inappropriate materials within 48 hours.Space Name: Barton-LivesSpace URL: http://barton-lives.spaces.live.com//t_blank Photo Album: Barton Lives Photo Name: Inappropriate email.jpgSincerely,
YohannWindows Live Spaces Customer Support
On closer inspection it became clear that the much maligned "Billy’s Belly" had, despite allegations, not been the route cause of the deletion of the site which Gobby felt compelled to point out:
BILLY'S BELLY, MY ARSE!!!
IT WAS YOU, RICK, WITH YOUR 'CRACK' EMAIL THAT GOT US BANNED, COMPOUNDED BY YOU, TATTOO BY SENDING IT TO YOURSELF, GETTING BANNED AND TURNING IT INTO A STORY!!!!!!
FORGIVENESS MAY COST YOU BOTH A BEER DOWN ‘THE LOCAL’ AND START PRAYING IT GETS REINSTATED!!!
Objecting somewhat to the slander of his otherwise untarnished reputation Tattoo felt Gobby needed to be reminded of a few home truths:
BILLYS BELLY, YOUR ARSE!
Seen Billys belly on Barton lives, not your arse, Gobby.
Mind you, it has been on display down at ‘The Local’ for all to view, plus skidmarks.
Unfortunately, nobody got a photograph but, Robbin’ Get, The Landlord parted with a quid without coughing, spluttering, or batting an eye lid.
Now that was well worth the CRACK.
If you know what we mean.
Tattoo (without a centre parting) or skidmarks.
At this point, Gobby’s adopted Ginger Child became concerned for the welfare of his increasingly more stressed adoptive mother (and his inheritance) and tried to assuage the situation with what he clearly thought was helpful advice:
"Does anyone else want to tell Gobby it's only a site..."
To which Buyergirl tried to tell him the error of his ways:
"You can if you think you’re brave enough!!!"
Albeit far too late as this had already reached Gobby, at the computer day and night in her Barton Lives vigil:
"How could you?!?!!?!? I think, after that, only fair to say I think it has replaced you as my baby!!!!!!!!!!! Spawn of the devil child..."
Attempts to redeem himself and regain any motherly love with the offering:
"But it has gone and left you feeling empty, whereas I am still here…"
Clearly fell on deaf ears:
"Small ginger comfort…"
It was at this point that EvilTwin, Barton Lives newest fan could contain herself no more without joining in the fracas:
"sod the blog just carry on this pantomime!!! xxx"
Closely followed by Hamish, who had just put his weekly shilling in the information superhighway meter and had much to say with regard to the matter:
"Hello fellow Barton Lives(and Ginger Child, ,who really needs to get a life)
Gutted to find that yet again, anything that makes us laugh or enjoy this dictatorship life we lead has been banned.
After all that hard work Gobby has put into Barton Lives,a total ficking muppet called Yohann and his moron team of stool lickers has decided its offensive. A word of advice, Yohann, next time you stick your finger up your arse, make sure you've been chopping hot chillies.
Best regards, Hamish."
Gobby finally concluded that Barton Lives had returned but left a salutary warning:
It appears to be back... for now... unless the evil villain, Rick Francis and his malevolent diminutive sidekick, Tattoo can wreak further havoc...
Still NOT BITTER!
It was pleasing to see that Pocahontas did truly realise that friendship was more important than the insignificant trifles of Rugby League.
So much so that, anticipating Billy Idle's return from the Leeds v Wigan match, she made sure a seat was specially reserved for him in 'Loser's Corner', complete with a tin of Uncle Joe's Mintballs - "The only good things to come out of Wigan!!"
The Return!!
As the distress and public outcry over the demise of Barton Lives mounted Gobby tried every available method to ensure its speedy return:
I have reported the demise of Barton Lives. Shouldn't take them long to get round to my ticket number. Glad I'm not queuing at the deli counter...
Thank you for contacting Windows Live Spaces
E-mail Support
Thank you for submitting your issue to Support.
Your Support Ticket Number: 1046263780
As Rick Francis helpfully pointed out:
"Can you imagine how thin Billy would be by the time you got served?"
To which Gobby had to admit that Billy’s desire to lose weight was proving particularly effective, especially down The Local:"Just don't! And you should have seen Tubthumper getting the lip on last night when Fatboy got peanuts and he didn't..."
As luck would have it, it appeared not to be such a high-pressure morning down the rubber plant, proved by the fact that Tubthumper had just passed on: "Things to do with crisp packets":http:///and Rick was able to speedily assess the situation and report back:
Update:
9:22am and Tubthumper has got his lips around a big slice of Lemon Pie.
11:35 Add a comment Send a message Permalink Trackbacks (0) Blog it
Code of Conduct
On reading the code of conduct Gobby was at a loss as to any reason why the original Barton lives may have been deleted, except for a few minor points in red. Still, good to see none of The Regulars had violated any ‘intellectual property’.
Prohibited Uses
Violations of the Windows Live Spaces Code of Conduct may result in the termination of access to Windows Live Spaces services or deletion of content without notice.
You will not upload, post, transmit, transfer, disseminate, distribute, or facilitate distribution of any content, including text, images, sound, video, data, information, or software, that:
incites, advocates, or expresses pornography, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity, hatred, bigotry, racism, or gratuitous violence. misrepresents the source of anything you post, including impersonation of another individual or entity. provides or create links to external sites that violate this Code of Conduct. is intended to harm or exploit minors in any way. is designed to solicit, or collect personally identifiable information of any minor (anyone under 18 years old), including, but not limited to: name, email address, home address, phone number, or the name of their school. invades anyone's privacy by attempting to harvest, collect, store, or publish private or personally identifiable information, such as passwords, account information, credit card numbers, addresses, or other contact information without their foreknowledge and willing consent. is illegal or violates any local and national laws that apply to your location; including but not limited to child pornography, illegal drugs, copyright material and intellectual property not belonging to you. is intended to threaten, stalk, defame, defraud, degrade, victimize, or intimidate an individual or group of individuals for any reason; including on the basis of age, gender, disability, ethnicity, sexual orientation, race, or religion; or to incite or encourage any one else to do so. intends to harm or disrupt another user's computer or would allow others to illegally access software or bypass security on Web sites, or servers, including but not limited to spamming. attempts to impersonate a Microsoft employee, agent, manager, host, another user, or any other person though any means.
As Rick Francis pointed out:
"Amazing, All the swearing, racist remarks, and nudity that has been put on Barton Lives, but soon as you put a picture of Billy's belly on there the site get's shut down."
To which Gobby was forced to admit that it was also amazing that the bunk on the ferry had
been able to withstand it:
Not Bitter!!
The Regulars enjoyed a marvellous day out at the rugby on Saturday. In fact, so much do they value the pleasure of each other’s company, that it barely mattered that the home team did not actually win…
Sent: Monday, October 01, 2007 8:55 PM
Subject: Wigan Warriors - The Official Website
Here you are Billy.
Some useful information for you on this link. Directions to Headingley on Friday.
Like to keep you in the loop, Pocahontas.
Baldster.
http://www.wiganwarriors.com/Fixture_full.asp?type=next
Subject: Re: Wigan Warriors - The Official Website
Cheers, Tattoo,
Tickets ordered and on the way. Presume directions on the site are from Wigan to Headingly so may not be too useful but will have a look anyway. Don't want to be getting lost and missing all those lovely Wigan tries!!
Up The Mighty Wigan........
Cherry and white Billy....
Which Pocahontas, Hull FC’s loyalist fan seemed to take in good sprits and magnanimous in defeat:
NOT BITTER AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALTHOUGH IF YOU BOTH DON'T SHUT YOUR GOBS I MAY JUST HAVE TO MAKE YOU BOTH WEAR THE OLD FAITHFUL'S AWAY SHIRT!!!!!!
BLACK & BLUE
BUT AS I SAID NOT BITTER
ALTHOUGH I HAVE WATCHED THE GAME SEVERAL TIMES AND THE SO CALLED MIGHTY WIGAN WAS, WELL VERY VERYVERY LUCKY, I STILL STAND BY WHAT I SAID ANOTHER 2 MINUTES ON THE CLOCK AND THE "MIGHTY WIGAN" WOULD HAVE BEEN MINCED MEAT!!!!!!!!
BUT PLEASE DO ENJOY THE GAME, BILLY, AS I WOULD HATE FOR YOU NOT TO.
KINDEST REGARDS
THE 100% OLD FAITHFUL FC FAN
NOT BITTER, NOT BITTER, NOT BITTER,
IF I TELL MYSELF ENOUGH, I MAY JUST START BELIEVING IT
No sooner had the episode been released when Gobby received further communication:
Gobby, Do I not get a mention in your Barton Lives thing???? If you are struggling with a nickname I think BIGCOCK would be most accurate! Evil Twin's adoring husband.
To which Gobby, rolling her eyes, had to reiterate that the objective was not actually to have Barton Lives banned again the very day it had been restored...
Having been reliably informed that Barton Lives had a new fan Gobby did her best as always to welcome an addition to the faithful flock.
So much so she even went so far as to inform said new fan of her forthcoming inclusion in the proceedings:
A WARNING that you are soon to make your debut appearance on Barton Lives.
It is amazing, however how the merest whiff of fame and fortune can alter a seemingly composed, self-effacing and modest person and person:
"WHAT?????? Have you spoken to my agent? I demand my own dressing room and a lifetime's supply of beetroot."
It would seem that such an attitude only escalated on observing her debut performance amongst The Regulars,
EVILTWIN???? I sound like an extra from the Amityville Horror. thanks!! adding:
IT'S NOT EVEN AN ANAGRAM OF
'NICE TITS'....
To which Gobby took great delight in pointing out that Evil Twin had now been fully welcomed into the fold as she had succumbed, been subliminally drawn in as with all the others and was now unbeknown to herself writing the next episode
Gobby was delighted on the return of Barton Lives but felt the need to probe deeper into its sudden disappearance after further correspondence from the powers that be:
Hello Barton_Lives,Thank you for writing back to Windows Live Spaces Customer Support. We have investigated your Space, Barton-Lives, and found it to be in violation of the Windows Live Spaces Code of Conduct for containing images of adult content. However, we will give you another chance to remove these inappropriate materials within 48 hours.Space Name: Barton-LivesSpace URL: http://barton-lives.spaces.live.com//t_blank Photo Album: Barton Lives Photo Name: Inappropriate email.jpgSincerely,
YohannWindows Live Spaces Customer Support
On closer inspection it became clear that the much maligned "Billy’s Belly" had, despite allegations, not been the route cause of the deletion of the site which Gobby felt compelled to point out:
BILLY'S BELLY, MY ARSE!!!
IT WAS YOU, RICK, WITH YOUR 'CRACK' EMAIL THAT GOT US BANNED, COMPOUNDED BY YOU, TATTOO BY SENDING IT TO YOURSELF, GETTING BANNED AND TURNING IT INTO A STORY!!!!!!
FORGIVENESS MAY COST YOU BOTH A BEER DOWN ‘THE LOCAL’ AND START PRAYING IT GETS REINSTATED!!!
Objecting somewhat to the slander of his otherwise untarnished reputation Tattoo felt Gobby needed to be reminded of a few home truths:
BILLYS BELLY, YOUR ARSE!
Seen Billys belly on Barton lives, not your arse, Gobby.
Mind you, it has been on display down at ‘The Local’ for all to view, plus skidmarks.
Unfortunately, nobody got a photograph but, Robbin’ Get, The Landlord parted with a quid without coughing, spluttering, or batting an eye lid.
Now that was well worth the CRACK.
If you know what we mean.
Tattoo (without a centre parting) or skidmarks.
At this point, Gobby’s adopted Ginger Child became concerned for the welfare of his increasingly more stressed adoptive mother (and his inheritance) and tried to assuage the situation with what he clearly thought was helpful advice:
"Does anyone else want to tell Gobby it's only a site..."
To which Buyergirl tried to tell him the error of his ways:
"You can if you think you’re brave enough!!!"
Albeit far too late as this had already reached Gobby, at the computer day and night in her Barton Lives vigil:
"How could you?!?!!?!? I think, after that, only fair to say I think it has replaced you as my baby!!!!!!!!!!! Spawn of the devil child..."
Attempts to redeem himself and regain any motherly love with the offering:
"But it has gone and left you feeling empty, whereas I am still here…"
Clearly fell on deaf ears:
"Small ginger comfort…"
It was at this point that EvilTwin, Barton Lives newest fan could contain herself no more without joining in the fracas:
"sod the blog just carry on this pantomime!!! xxx"
Closely followed by Hamish, who had just put his weekly shilling in the information superhighway meter and had much to say with regard to the matter:
"Hello fellow Barton Lives(and Ginger Child, ,who really needs to get a life)
Gutted to find that yet again, anything that makes us laugh or enjoy this dictatorship life we lead has been banned.
After all that hard work Gobby has put into Barton Lives,a total ficking muppet called Yohann and his moron team of stool lickers has decided its offensive. A word of advice, Yohann, next time you stick your finger up your arse, make sure you've been chopping hot chillies.
Best regards, Hamish."
Gobby finally concluded that Barton Lives had returned but left a salutary warning:
It appears to be back... for now... unless the evil villain, Rick Francis and his malevolent diminutive sidekick, Tattoo can wreak further havoc...
Still NOT BITTER!
It was pleasing to see that Pocahontas did truly realise that friendship was more important than the insignificant trifles of Rugby League.
So much so that, anticipating Billy Idle's return from the Leeds v Wigan match, she made sure a seat was specially reserved for him in 'Loser's Corner', complete with a tin of Uncle Joe's Mintballs - "The only good things to come out of Wigan!!"
The Return!!
As the distress and public outcry over the demise of Barton Lives mounted Gobby tried every available method to ensure its speedy return:
I have reported the demise of Barton Lives. Shouldn't take them long to get round to my ticket number. Glad I'm not queuing at the deli counter...
Thank you for contacting Windows Live Spaces
E-mail Support
Thank you for submitting your issue to Support.
Your Support Ticket Number: 1046263780
As Rick Francis helpfully pointed out:
"Can you imagine how thin Billy would be by the time you got served?"
To which Gobby had to admit that Billy’s desire to lose weight was proving particularly effective, especially down The Local:"Just don't! And you should have seen Tubthumper getting the lip on last night when Fatboy got peanuts and he didn't..."
As luck would have it, it appeared not to be such a high-pressure morning down the rubber plant, proved by the fact that Tubthumper had just passed on: "Things to do with crisp packets":http:///and Rick was able to speedily assess the situation and report back:
Update:
9:22am and Tubthumper has got his lips around a big slice of Lemon Pie.
11:35 Add a comment Send a message Permalink Trackbacks (0) Blog it
Code of Conduct
On reading the code of conduct Gobby was at a loss as to any reason why the original Barton lives may have been deleted, except for a few minor points in red. Still, good to see none of The Regulars had violated any ‘intellectual property’.
Prohibited Uses
Violations of the Windows Live Spaces Code of Conduct may result in the termination of access to Windows Live Spaces services or deletion of content without notice.
You will not upload, post, transmit, transfer, disseminate, distribute, or facilitate distribution of any content, including text, images, sound, video, data, information, or software, that:
incites, advocates, or expresses pornography, obscenity, vulgarity, profanity, hatred, bigotry, racism, or gratuitous violence. misrepresents the source of anything you post, including impersonation of another individual or entity. provides or create links to external sites that violate this Code of Conduct. is intended to harm or exploit minors in any way. is designed to solicit, or collect personally identifiable information of any minor (anyone under 18 years old), including, but not limited to: name, email address, home address, phone number, or the name of their school. invades anyone's privacy by attempting to harvest, collect, store, or publish private or personally identifiable information, such as passwords, account information, credit card numbers, addresses, or other contact information without their foreknowledge and willing consent. is illegal or violates any local and national laws that apply to your location; including but not limited to child pornography, illegal drugs, copyright material and intellectual property not belonging to you. is intended to threaten, stalk, defame, defraud, degrade, victimize, or intimidate an individual or group of individuals for any reason; including on the basis of age, gender, disability, ethnicity, sexual orientation, race, or religion; or to incite or encourage any one else to do so. intends to harm or disrupt another user's computer or would allow others to illegally access software or bypass security on Web sites, or servers, including but not limited to spamming. attempts to impersonate a Microsoft employee, agent, manager, host, another user, or any other person though any means.
As Rick Francis pointed out:
"Amazing, All the swearing, racist remarks, and nudity that has been put on Barton Lives, but soon as you put a picture of Billy's belly on there the site get's shut down."
To which Gobby was forced to admit that it was also amazing that the bunk on the ferry had
been able to withstand it:
Not Bitter!!
The Regulars enjoyed a marvellous day out at the rugby on Saturday. In fact, so much do they value the pleasure of each other’s company, that it barely mattered that the home team did not actually win…
Sent: Monday, October 01, 2007 8:55 PM
Subject: Wigan Warriors - The Official Website
Here you are Billy.
Some useful information for you on this link. Directions to Headingley on Friday.
Like to keep you in the loop, Pocahontas.
Baldster.
http://www.wiganwarriors.com/Fixture_full.asp?type=next
Subject: Re: Wigan Warriors - The Official Website
Cheers, Tattoo,
Tickets ordered and on the way. Presume directions on the site are from Wigan to Headingly so may not be too useful but will have a look anyway. Don't want to be getting lost and missing all those lovely Wigan tries!!
Up The Mighty Wigan........
Cherry and white Billy....
Which Pocahontas, Hull FC’s loyalist fan seemed to take in good sprits and magnanimous in defeat:
NOT BITTER AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALTHOUGH IF YOU BOTH DON'T SHUT YOUR GOBS I MAY JUST HAVE TO MAKE YOU BOTH WEAR THE OLD FAITHFUL'S AWAY SHIRT!!!!!!
BLACK & BLUE
BUT AS I SAID NOT BITTER
ALTHOUGH I HAVE WATCHED THE GAME SEVERAL TIMES AND THE SO CALLED MIGHTY WIGAN WAS, WELL VERY VERYVERY LUCKY, I STILL STAND BY WHAT I SAID ANOTHER 2 MINUTES ON THE CLOCK AND THE "MIGHTY WIGAN" WOULD HAVE BEEN MINCED MEAT!!!!!!!!
BUT PLEASE DO ENJOY THE GAME, BILLY, AS I WOULD HATE FOR YOU NOT TO.
KINDEST REGARDS
THE 100% OLD FAITHFUL FC FAN
NOT BITTER, NOT BITTER, NOT BITTER,
IF I TELL MYSELF ENOUGH, I MAY JUST START BELIEVING IT
September 2007
Diplomats
On a recent cultural exchange to Belgium four of The Regulars has a marvellous time absorbing the culture & history, stopping only very briefly for some light refreshment in the unseasonably warm weather.
Looking back on the experience they handled themselves in an exemplary manner as true ambassadors for their homeland.
Spud Trouble!
As if 15 lorries delivering potatoes arriving simultaneously were not enough excitement for any woman to cope with in one day Spudgirl had yet more fascinating tales to tell in relation to the starchy tuberous crop from the perennial plant Solanum tuberosum of the Solanaceae family:
She went on to explain that while 14 of the aforementioned lorries were meticulously checked, scrutinised, and passed with flying colours one lorry-load had, unfortunately, to be rejected when nestling amongst the tubers were found no less than 8 illegal immigrants.
Now, whilst there is general agreement among contemporary botanists that the potato originated in the Andes, all the way from Colombia to northern Argentina, but with a concentration of genetic diversity, both in the form of cultivated and wild species, in the area of modern day Peru, no-one at the spud warehouse was confident enough to hazard a guess at the origins of said immigrants although one of Spudgirl’s colleagues, clearly endowed with business acumen, did muse that if they charged £5 a ton handling charge on potatoes what was the going rate for human beings?
Little Boys' room
It would have been hoped that since the wardrobe incident (see August 2006 episode 'Extreme DIY') Pocahontas would have learnt to keep Rick Francis well away from anywhere he could possibly purchase any more 'No More Nails'.
However, in foolishly finding themselves on a family outing complete with Zig & Zag in No Frills DIY it was clear from the beginning that their trip was unlike to be without incident.
Having embarked on a trolley dash when hearing Zig somewhere in the distance utter the words, "Need a wee wee" Pocahontas was confident that Rick, always taking his parenting duties very seriously, could handle the situation. This confidence was shattered, however as she heard the reply, "There's a toilet just there son."
Racing back through the aisles scarcely avoiding inflicting whiplash on Zag in the trolley before locating Rick and Zig in the bathroom section Pocahontas realised that it was too late and despite Zig's denial, the yellow trail trickling from the display toilet was incriminating evidence that the dirty deed was done.
On hearing the words, "Need a poo poo!" Rick & Pocahontas suddenly realised their DIY purchases could wait and beat a hasty retreat to the exit.
Time, gentlemen, please!
The Regulars appear to have adjusted remarkably well so far to the retirement of Den & Angie and welcomed their replacements with open arms. They are, however, still struggling somewhat with the alien new concept of C-L-O-S-I-N-G T-I-M-E.
All Banned!!
The Regulars could not help a wave of collective smugness washing over them down The Local when, after months of blaming others (see chapter March 2006), Tattoo had to admit that the over-zealous IT police down the woodyard had finally banned him from his own email.
Road Trip
As if the onset of Billy Idle's new job and having to travel to "Donny" and work with his most dreaded adversaries, "Yorkies" was not enough of a challenge Billy then found he would immediately be expected to broaden his horizons, (making a refreshing change from his waistband) even further than The Local and Barton Grill and travel the length and breadth of This Sceptered Isle, (and when your geography is so lacking (see previous chapter, October 2006) and you believe every destination to be off the M1 and 'near Leeds' then this truly is no mean feat.
Once Gobby had helped him navigate by way of pictorial clues and well-known landmarks to help him on his quest Billy and his colleague, Eddie Kid, set off for Wiltshire (off the M1, near Stonehenge).
All went well and would have been well on the return journey had Billy Idle, true to his name, not decided to shirk his share of the driving in favour of putting his seat in the horizontal position and dribbling down the window.
After a busy day in the field of Higher Education putting pens and stickers into folders Gobby was already running late when the M1 ground to a halt. Caring and considerate as ever Gobby's first thought was to alert Billy and Eddie to said hazard as, clearly, they too had to be somewhere on the M1, highway to all destinations.
Gobby was astonished at the speed of the reply from Billy saying they too were caught up in a pile-up and he would probably also be late.
Gobby informed him that it may take some time for her to extract herself as the emergency vehicles had just flown past to deal with the incident up ahead to which Billy replied that, similarly, several emergency vehicles had just arrived where they were.
It was at this point that, in addition to the emergency sirens Gobby heard additional alarm bells ringing and, on re-reading the text felt the need to enquire further of Billy:
"Do you mean you are actually in the 5 car pile-up?"
"Yep, that's us up in front!!"
"So you have crashed?"
"Yep. Car now 2 feet shorter!!
At this point the traffic queue sped up to a grinding crawl and as they passed many traffic officers and motorists busying themselves with the scene of devastation at the side of the road Gobby's eye could not help being drawn to a very familiar figure and, indeed, the only one to seen not moving a muscle and seated well out of harm (and effort's) way on a handy crash barrier.
Keen to help Gobby pulled up and attempted to communicate with the battalion of police officers at the side of the road but found herself firmly and hastily moved on and reminded of some minor aspect of the highway Code where, apparently, parking on a motorway is, for some reason, not permitted.
Whilst relieving herself at the next services due to the lengthy hold-up Gobby was delighted when Billy and Eddie were delivered safe and sound by the aforementioned police officers who had, by this point ascertained that, despite his best efforts to deny all knowledge Billy had admitted that he was acquainted with 'the idiot blond girl in the mini'.
This momentarily relief was short-lived however, as Gobby, Eddie and 'large-boned' Billy took stock of their next motoring challenge which would be to fit 3 adults, 3 overnight bags, laptops, sports kit and a campbed into mini for the remaining stage of the journey.
Resourceful as ever they were soon merrily on their way piled to the ceiling with Gobby rolled in a travel rug, balanced on top of the campbed and cunningly concealed as a piece of luggage, an almost perfect disguise had Billy not pointed out:
"Luggage doesn't normally speak."
The moral of the story would be that, whilst it may be more exciting, it may not always be judicious to let Eddie Kid drive nor get you home any faster and, as The Regulars pointed out, surely Billy Idle, the human sloth was already flirting with more than enough reasons for an untimely death and had no real need to add Road Kill to these...
Application
Spudgirl could hardly believe her good fortune when, in her professional capacity, the ink had barely had time to dry on the job advertisement she had placed in the much revered local paper before she received her first application, or indeed, solicitation.
With hindsight, maybe the alarm bells should have started ringing when the aforementioned letter of application was received, not at the designated Onion Factory but, suspiciously, down The Local...
Dear Madam, (Yorkshire Onions Ltd )
I am applying for the position of Onion Line Production Operator, advertised in the Scunthorpe Target dated 30/8/07.
This position would suit me perfectly as you are obviously all Muppetts.Can I first point out that Owmby by Spital is in ficking LINCOLNSHIRE so you have named your Company incorrectly,plus,why have you put your factory in the middle of knowhere,so no ficker can even find it?
However,that beside,I think you will find I can fill the following criteria.
Hold a current forklift licence.
I thought you only did onions
Managing production,reducing down time and costs.
I can easily reduce down time,I cum really quickly and as for costs,I would’nt charge that much.Production,well that would depend on staff.
QA assessments on all loads to meet customer specification.
I raced 20,000 sperm and was first inside the egg.Do you really think there will be a problem?
Organise staffing levels,ensure staff adhere to Health and Safety and Hygiene rules.
This one is easy,use "No More Nails".
Create and supply all documentation required/basic administration.
Yes,this is basic administration.
Maintain equipment and keep site hazard free.
I would wash my cock every night and wipe up any spills.
Manage and maintain daily use of consumables.
Whats a few tissues cost?
Any other tasks relating to the smooth running of the production line.
So in summary, you want me too ,drive the forklift,cut costs and increase production,QA all loads going out,hire and fire staff,do all the paperwork,repair and service the production equipment and keep the site safe,clean the ficking toilets,lock up at night and be a ficking security guard.
You must think I’ve lost my ficking onions!
Yours Sincerely
Hamish.
New Boy It has always been beautiful to observe the care and concern The Regulars bestow upon each other.
Indeed, Rick Francis's thoughtfulness on Billy Idle's first day in his new job was truly touching:
Gobby,
Hope you packed Billy's sandwiches in his My Little Pony butty box this morning before you sent him off for his first day. He'll be like a lost schoolboy this morning, being shown where the toilet is, and where he can go for his milk break. Hope you wrote his name on his underpants and his tie.
Meanwhile, the rest of The Regulars, having overcome their deep shock at Billy having left his undeniably large comfort zone to apply for a new job in the first place, waited with bated breath to see if he bothered to turn up at all..
Home Help
Overworked, underpaid and under Pocahontas's thumb Rick Francis feared he would never complete his daily round of chores in time to make it to The Local before turning into a pumpkin when, his fairy godmother waved her magic wand and, as if by magic, Tattoo appeared to give him a hand with the washing up.
On a recent cultural exchange to Belgium four of The Regulars has a marvellous time absorbing the culture & history, stopping only very briefly for some light refreshment in the unseasonably warm weather.
Looking back on the experience they handled themselves in an exemplary manner as true ambassadors for their homeland.
Spud Trouble!
As if 15 lorries delivering potatoes arriving simultaneously were not enough excitement for any woman to cope with in one day Spudgirl had yet more fascinating tales to tell in relation to the starchy tuberous crop from the perennial plant Solanum tuberosum of the Solanaceae family:
She went on to explain that while 14 of the aforementioned lorries were meticulously checked, scrutinised, and passed with flying colours one lorry-load had, unfortunately, to be rejected when nestling amongst the tubers were found no less than 8 illegal immigrants.
Now, whilst there is general agreement among contemporary botanists that the potato originated in the Andes, all the way from Colombia to northern Argentina, but with a concentration of genetic diversity, both in the form of cultivated and wild species, in the area of modern day Peru, no-one at the spud warehouse was confident enough to hazard a guess at the origins of said immigrants although one of Spudgirl’s colleagues, clearly endowed with business acumen, did muse that if they charged £5 a ton handling charge on potatoes what was the going rate for human beings?
Little Boys' room
It would have been hoped that since the wardrobe incident (see August 2006 episode 'Extreme DIY') Pocahontas would have learnt to keep Rick Francis well away from anywhere he could possibly purchase any more 'No More Nails'.
However, in foolishly finding themselves on a family outing complete with Zig & Zag in No Frills DIY it was clear from the beginning that their trip was unlike to be without incident.
Having embarked on a trolley dash when hearing Zig somewhere in the distance utter the words, "Need a wee wee" Pocahontas was confident that Rick, always taking his parenting duties very seriously, could handle the situation. This confidence was shattered, however as she heard the reply, "There's a toilet just there son."
Racing back through the aisles scarcely avoiding inflicting whiplash on Zag in the trolley before locating Rick and Zig in the bathroom section Pocahontas realised that it was too late and despite Zig's denial, the yellow trail trickling from the display toilet was incriminating evidence that the dirty deed was done.
On hearing the words, "Need a poo poo!" Rick & Pocahontas suddenly realised their DIY purchases could wait and beat a hasty retreat to the exit.
Time, gentlemen, please!
The Regulars appear to have adjusted remarkably well so far to the retirement of Den & Angie and welcomed their replacements with open arms. They are, however, still struggling somewhat with the alien new concept of C-L-O-S-I-N-G T-I-M-E.
All Banned!!
The Regulars could not help a wave of collective smugness washing over them down The Local when, after months of blaming others (see chapter March 2006), Tattoo had to admit that the over-zealous IT police down the woodyard had finally banned him from his own email.
Road Trip
As if the onset of Billy Idle's new job and having to travel to "Donny" and work with his most dreaded adversaries, "Yorkies" was not enough of a challenge Billy then found he would immediately be expected to broaden his horizons, (making a refreshing change from his waistband) even further than The Local and Barton Grill and travel the length and breadth of This Sceptered Isle, (and when your geography is so lacking (see previous chapter, October 2006) and you believe every destination to be off the M1 and 'near Leeds' then this truly is no mean feat.
Once Gobby had helped him navigate by way of pictorial clues and well-known landmarks to help him on his quest Billy and his colleague, Eddie Kid, set off for Wiltshire (off the M1, near Stonehenge).
All went well and would have been well on the return journey had Billy Idle, true to his name, not decided to shirk his share of the driving in favour of putting his seat in the horizontal position and dribbling down the window.
After a busy day in the field of Higher Education putting pens and stickers into folders Gobby was already running late when the M1 ground to a halt. Caring and considerate as ever Gobby's first thought was to alert Billy and Eddie to said hazard as, clearly, they too had to be somewhere on the M1, highway to all destinations.
Gobby was astonished at the speed of the reply from Billy saying they too were caught up in a pile-up and he would probably also be late.
Gobby informed him that it may take some time for her to extract herself as the emergency vehicles had just flown past to deal with the incident up ahead to which Billy replied that, similarly, several emergency vehicles had just arrived where they were.
It was at this point that, in addition to the emergency sirens Gobby heard additional alarm bells ringing and, on re-reading the text felt the need to enquire further of Billy:
"Do you mean you are actually in the 5 car pile-up?"
"Yep, that's us up in front!!"
"So you have crashed?"
"Yep. Car now 2 feet shorter!!
At this point the traffic queue sped up to a grinding crawl and as they passed many traffic officers and motorists busying themselves with the scene of devastation at the side of the road Gobby's eye could not help being drawn to a very familiar figure and, indeed, the only one to seen not moving a muscle and seated well out of harm (and effort's) way on a handy crash barrier.
Keen to help Gobby pulled up and attempted to communicate with the battalion of police officers at the side of the road but found herself firmly and hastily moved on and reminded of some minor aspect of the highway Code where, apparently, parking on a motorway is, for some reason, not permitted.
Whilst relieving herself at the next services due to the lengthy hold-up Gobby was delighted when Billy and Eddie were delivered safe and sound by the aforementioned police officers who had, by this point ascertained that, despite his best efforts to deny all knowledge Billy had admitted that he was acquainted with 'the idiot blond girl in the mini'.
This momentarily relief was short-lived however, as Gobby, Eddie and 'large-boned' Billy took stock of their next motoring challenge which would be to fit 3 adults, 3 overnight bags, laptops, sports kit and a campbed into mini for the remaining stage of the journey.
Resourceful as ever they were soon merrily on their way piled to the ceiling with Gobby rolled in a travel rug, balanced on top of the campbed and cunningly concealed as a piece of luggage, an almost perfect disguise had Billy not pointed out:
"Luggage doesn't normally speak."
The moral of the story would be that, whilst it may be more exciting, it may not always be judicious to let Eddie Kid drive nor get you home any faster and, as The Regulars pointed out, surely Billy Idle, the human sloth was already flirting with more than enough reasons for an untimely death and had no real need to add Road Kill to these...
Application
Spudgirl could hardly believe her good fortune when, in her professional capacity, the ink had barely had time to dry on the job advertisement she had placed in the much revered local paper before she received her first application, or indeed, solicitation.
With hindsight, maybe the alarm bells should have started ringing when the aforementioned letter of application was received, not at the designated Onion Factory but, suspiciously, down The Local...
Dear Madam, (Yorkshire Onions Ltd )
I am applying for the position of Onion Line Production Operator, advertised in the Scunthorpe Target dated 30/8/07.
This position would suit me perfectly as you are obviously all Muppetts.Can I first point out that Owmby by Spital is in ficking LINCOLNSHIRE so you have named your Company incorrectly,plus,why have you put your factory in the middle of knowhere,so no ficker can even find it?
However,that beside,I think you will find I can fill the following criteria.
Hold a current forklift licence.
I thought you only did onions
Managing production,reducing down time and costs.
I can easily reduce down time,I cum really quickly and as for costs,I would’nt charge that much.Production,well that would depend on staff.
QA assessments on all loads to meet customer specification.
I raced 20,000 sperm and was first inside the egg.Do you really think there will be a problem?
Organise staffing levels,ensure staff adhere to Health and Safety and Hygiene rules.
This one is easy,use "No More Nails".
Create and supply all documentation required/basic administration.
Yes,this is basic administration.
Maintain equipment and keep site hazard free.
I would wash my cock every night and wipe up any spills.
Manage and maintain daily use of consumables.
Whats a few tissues cost?
Any other tasks relating to the smooth running of the production line.
So in summary, you want me too ,drive the forklift,cut costs and increase production,QA all loads going out,hire and fire staff,do all the paperwork,repair and service the production equipment and keep the site safe,clean the ficking toilets,lock up at night and be a ficking security guard.
You must think I’ve lost my ficking onions!
Yours Sincerely
Hamish.
New Boy It has always been beautiful to observe the care and concern The Regulars bestow upon each other.
Indeed, Rick Francis's thoughtfulness on Billy Idle's first day in his new job was truly touching:
Gobby,
Hope you packed Billy's sandwiches in his My Little Pony butty box this morning before you sent him off for his first day. He'll be like a lost schoolboy this morning, being shown where the toilet is, and where he can go for his milk break. Hope you wrote his name on his underpants and his tie.
Meanwhile, the rest of The Regulars, having overcome their deep shock at Billy having left his undeniably large comfort zone to apply for a new job in the first place, waited with bated breath to see if he bothered to turn up at all..
Home Help
Overworked, underpaid and under Pocahontas's thumb Rick Francis feared he would never complete his daily round of chores in time to make it to The Local before turning into a pumpkin when, his fairy godmother waved her magic wand and, as if by magic, Tattoo appeared to give him a hand with the washing up.
August 2007
Val-deri,Val-dera...
After a jolly fun day's happy hiking enjoyed by all, not excluding Billy Idle, Gobby thought it would be best to strike while the iron was hot and purchase Billy his own shiny new hiking trainers.
Even more unbelievably Billy seemed ecstatic with his new functional footwear.
It was only when he elaborated that his delight was that he found them ideal as they matched the living room that Gobby realised perhaps a little more work may be needed on what actually constituted hiking...
Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
The Miracle
With the universally enviable quality of hindsight, there stood the very outside possibility that The Regulars could have been able to pre-empt an event of such biblical magnitude that befell one of their number, and indeed one so devout in his beliefs and clean-living ways, especially after such a sequence of cruel antecedent happenings reminiscent in unparalleled horror only of the Plagues of Egypt that demonstrated the awesome power of God against the worldly nation or at least against his chances of success.
Nevertheless, The Regulars fell to the floor as if possessed (or maybe just drunk again) on coming face to face with a true miracle.
Indeed, some of their flock may have doubted the veracity of such a phenomenon, but, by means of a true leap of faith, and the words:
"Get in, you fucker!!"
Did the entire gathered congregation of The Local share in the divine knowledge that Billy Idle had, this time, against all adversity,
PASSED HIS EXAM.
Such rejoicing broke out in the Local as never before.
Although not quite enough to warrant one on the house from Robin Get, the Landlord...
Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Obviously the Regulars could not pass up the chance to indulge in such intellectual reading matter...
Tattoo soon cheerily announced:
"I am Crusty Dippin Doodle."
Perturbed by this Gobby, always irritatingly at the ready to amend the appalling health habits on show down The Local felt she must warn him:
"I had to go to the clinic last time that happened to me..."
and seconded by Rick Francis on also being similarly afflicted:
"That sounds like a really bad infection on the willie."
Tubthumper exclaimed,
"This is weird. I'm Cheesy Chicken Dunkin. Could have sworn that's available at Barton Grill!!"
To which Sven provided some sage advice (which, incidentally, is not a garnish),
"They are all from the Barton Grill menu, they are subliminal messages to encourage sales."
Ginger Orphan Child was horrified at the subversive tactics used by the aforementioned establishment protesting:
"I'm never coming to Barton again if people there are feasting on Snickle Wafflebrains from the local take-out!!!"
At this juncture the rest of The Regulars could only marvel that the target customer group of Barton Grill could be considered to have enough cerebral function to merit attempted brainwashing when Billy Idle, who, of all The Regulars would be the first to go weak at the mere sniff of the dustbins outside Barton Grill, joined in the intellectual debate:
"I was Sneezy Pottydoodle, not sure if that's food but do think it was a character in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory?"
However Gobby soon corrected him on that score:
"No, that's what Zig & Zag were smeared in last time I popped round to see Pocahontas. I was especially delighted, on leaving, when one of them informed me he wanted to give me 'a squeeze' "
Pocahontas, defending her angelic brood, felt the need for retalliation:
"Well I'm Snickle DippinDoodle. And why, may I ask, Gobby, have you not put your new name in ahhh?? Maybe for the reason your name is Dorfus ChuckletushNow that most certainly does not sound like a food, more one of the Dwarfs from Snow White!"
Before she was even able to defend this accusation a surprise counter attack came from Tattoo:
"Dorf the dwarf. Ha ha."
Surely a quite unbelievable approach from he who can only be described as the most challenged in stature of all The Regulars (see attached photo for proof!), to which Gobby pointed out:
"POT, KETTLE, BLACK!!"
and then was on somewhat of a roll:
"BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! BLACK!"
Luckily, before all manner of lawsuits could be issued Hamish's Tourettes kicked in and saved the day:
"How apt is this! I'm Snickle Pottyboob!"
After a jolly fun day's happy hiking enjoyed by all, not excluding Billy Idle, Gobby thought it would be best to strike while the iron was hot and purchase Billy his own shiny new hiking trainers.
Even more unbelievably Billy seemed ecstatic with his new functional footwear.
It was only when he elaborated that his delight was that he found them ideal as they matched the living room that Gobby realised perhaps a little more work may be needed on what actually constituted hiking...
Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
The Miracle
With the universally enviable quality of hindsight, there stood the very outside possibility that The Regulars could have been able to pre-empt an event of such biblical magnitude that befell one of their number, and indeed one so devout in his beliefs and clean-living ways, especially after such a sequence of cruel antecedent happenings reminiscent in unparalleled horror only of the Plagues of Egypt that demonstrated the awesome power of God against the worldly nation or at least against his chances of success.
Nevertheless, The Regulars fell to the floor as if possessed (or maybe just drunk again) on coming face to face with a true miracle.
Indeed, some of their flock may have doubted the veracity of such a phenomenon, but, by means of a true leap of faith, and the words:
"Get in, you fucker!!"
Did the entire gathered congregation of The Local share in the divine knowledge that Billy Idle had, this time, against all adversity,
PASSED HIS EXAM.
Such rejoicing broke out in the Local as never before.
Although not quite enough to warrant one on the house from Robin Get, the Landlord...
Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Obviously the Regulars could not pass up the chance to indulge in such intellectual reading matter...
Tattoo soon cheerily announced:
"I am Crusty Dippin Doodle."
Perturbed by this Gobby, always irritatingly at the ready to amend the appalling health habits on show down The Local felt she must warn him:
"I had to go to the clinic last time that happened to me..."
and seconded by Rick Francis on also being similarly afflicted:
"That sounds like a really bad infection on the willie."
Tubthumper exclaimed,
"This is weird. I'm Cheesy Chicken Dunkin. Could have sworn that's available at Barton Grill!!"
To which Sven provided some sage advice (which, incidentally, is not a garnish),
"They are all from the Barton Grill menu, they are subliminal messages to encourage sales."
Ginger Orphan Child was horrified at the subversive tactics used by the aforementioned establishment protesting:
"I'm never coming to Barton again if people there are feasting on Snickle Wafflebrains from the local take-out!!!"
At this juncture the rest of The Regulars could only marvel that the target customer group of Barton Grill could be considered to have enough cerebral function to merit attempted brainwashing when Billy Idle, who, of all The Regulars would be the first to go weak at the mere sniff of the dustbins outside Barton Grill, joined in the intellectual debate:
"I was Sneezy Pottydoodle, not sure if that's food but do think it was a character in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory?"
However Gobby soon corrected him on that score:
"No, that's what Zig & Zag were smeared in last time I popped round to see Pocahontas. I was especially delighted, on leaving, when one of them informed me he wanted to give me 'a squeeze' "
Pocahontas, defending her angelic brood, felt the need for retalliation:
"Well I'm Snickle DippinDoodle. And why, may I ask, Gobby, have you not put your new name in ahhh?? Maybe for the reason your name is Dorfus ChuckletushNow that most certainly does not sound like a food, more one of the Dwarfs from Snow White!"
Before she was even able to defend this accusation a surprise counter attack came from Tattoo:
"Dorf the dwarf. Ha ha."
Surely a quite unbelievable approach from he who can only be described as the most challenged in stature of all The Regulars (see attached photo for proof!), to which Gobby pointed out:
"POT, KETTLE, BLACK!!"
and then was on somewhat of a roll:
"BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! BLACK!"
Luckily, before all manner of lawsuits could be issued Hamish's Tourettes kicked in and saved the day:
"How apt is this! I'm Snickle Pottyboob!"
July 2007
Passwords
After moving house Pocahontas was helping Rick Francis set up his computer. At the appropriate
point in the process she told him that he would now have to enter a
password, something he could remember easily as he would have to use it
each time he logged on.
Rick was in a rather amorous mood & figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to Pocahontas' attention. When the Computer asked
him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to her that he
was keying in......
....P....... E....... N....... I........ S..............
She fell off the chair laughing when the computer replied,
**** PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
Saturday Night at the Movies...
As the week dragged wearily on, reviewing his targets, Rick Francis, the work-life balance guru of The Regulars, was horrified to see how little hard work avoidance had been achieved and immediately placed The Local on a heightened state of alert and brought contingency measures into play.
In no time at all The Regulars had abandoned all semblance of labour and were merrily whiling away the hours in search of the crucial:
"Which famous movie are you?" http://similarminds.com/movie.html
Not only did this decimate the remaining hours of toil and seriously reduce productivity across all sectors but also, somewhat surprisingly, the ensuing answers were indeed revealing if not even Freudian in their accuracy:
Tubthumper: I'm an Easy Rider, apparently. I just want to maintain a calm, cool, andcomfortable environment. Possibly the most accurate test so far?
Rick Francis: I'm Sunset Boulevard, I crave fame and want to be liked by everyone.
Buyergirl: I am Mr Smith goes to Washington (Never heard of it) Determining and doing the right thing is the foundation of my personality! Tattoo: I am Platoon. Strong on the battlefield and, preserve ones security. (He was, after all famed for an inordinate amount of fighting in his youth).
Pocahontas: Well I am Raiders of the Lost Ark. I live for adventure, fortune-hunting, and danger.Adding, "Yeah right I don't do adventures, and hunting yeah I do when my child has not got a nappy on and does a smelly one on the floor, which yeah I suppose is very dangerous."
to which the rest of The Regulars agreed was far more adventurous and dangerous than they could cope with...
Hamish: Didn't need to do the test as The Regulars already knew it could only come out as 'Gone with the Wind'.
However, the fun and frivolity was brutally cut short when Gobby, on receiving her decision of:
"You are The Godfather. You are all about power and control, living by the mafia code"
declared that it was obviously all a load of complete rubbish if not, indeed lunacy and that they weren't playing anymore!
Technomuppet
The Regulars eagerly read an email promising excitement of unimaginable magnitude from Hamish that they were on the edge of their work (obviously some degree of imagination needed in that application of that word to the scenario) chairs as they waited for the attachment.
Indeed, from the harshness of Hamish's instruction none of them would have dared to take even the slightest peek before thoroughly digesting the text:
READ THE TEXT FIRSTTired of getting stuck in slow moving traffic?Want to have your own lane on the Motorway?Simple, tie these balloons to your car. Belt it down the M180 (or any otherroad you wish to drive fast on) and watch other car drivers freak out andsimply get out of your way!
When you get stopped by the police, tell them you thought they were real!If you are a BMW or Volvo driver, do the same but just don't bother withthe balloons - the drag will slow you down.(See attached file: balloons.jpg)
There comes a time when, if even Billy Idle sees fit to drag himself from his sickbed (the bed was sick of him, by the way, not, as one would normally expect, the other way round) to instruct Hamish, to guide him into the future and to witness a technological miracle unfurl, that the unfathomable lack of gratitude on Hamish's part to fail to follow by example and not to heed such an altruistic gesture truly pushed the understanding and normally gentlest of nature of The Regulars to the very edge.
It was at this point that Gobby felt it was her turn to take over as Hamish's mentor and further guide him with the words:
So where are the f**king balloons!?!?!?
Technomuppet!!!!
This somehow gave Billy the strength to face Hamish once more, appealing to the aforementioned afflicted side of his character (see many Barton Lives Tourette's references):
Ficking Tecno-muppet
Order was only restored by the saintly nature (and the fact that he is more skilled at hard work avoidance than the rest of The Regulars put together) of Rick Francis who finally deigned to offer an olive branch:
"Just cos you're my friend, Hamish, I'll send the picture for you to save anymore stick."
Priceless
On distribution of the latest photos The Regulars could only sympathise with Tattoo's best attempts to pull on holiday...
Too much time on your hands....
It has always been said that tolerance, understanding, altruism and compassion for their fellow man have always been the doctrine by which The Regulars eke out their ascetic existence, being thankful for every day by which they are continued to be allowed to shuffle their way through this mortal coil.
However, all this taken into consideration, there comes a breaking point in everyone, no matter how flawless an existence they lead, and especially hard to bear when brought on by one of their own flock deemed to be shuffling his way in excess even by their own pious standards.
Indeed, even the best of The Regulars and the most staunch devotees of Hard Work Avoidance were finding it hard to keep their heads above water and their eyes in the back of their heads when it came to drowning in the sea of seemingly randomly generated emails causing their inboxes to floweth over and not receiving an official warning from their respective workplaces (except the Lady of Shallott, whose inbox was already full of potatoes rather than spam).
It was at this point that The Regulars felt the need to remind Tattoo that his Deathclock was ticking, (see Barton Lives: Bad News October 2006) and, indeed, would be ticking all the quicker if he kept up this level of bombardment.
In desperation Gobby searched high and low to find alternative means of recreation for the aforementioned afflicted in which he may find some level of solace or see the error of his ways:
http://zed1.com/journalized/archives/2003/04/13/too-much-time-on-your-hands/
http://vowe.net/archives/003812.html
http://www.rpi.edu/~kuurem/toomuchtime.html
http://dubberley.com/archives/000297.html
http://www.jibjab.com/view/52341
http://oneforjc.blogspot.com/2007/07/too-much-time-on-your-hands.html
http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/entries/2006/10/11/the-next-time-someone-suggests-you-have-too-much-time-on-your-hands-show-them-this/6597
The rest of The Regulars, who could only pray and dream of reaching Gobby’s sanctimonious and virtuous echelons of tolerance added:
GO BACK TO FUCKING WORK!!!!
Do it Yourself (or not!)
With his new found love of the library and unerringly selfless nature, Rick Francis took it upon himself to select books that he felt the rest of The Regulars truly could not live without, recommending the following:
"One for you, Billy?"
To which Billy Idle enthusiastically retorted,
"Indeed. And Gobby has a similar book called "You Do It Instead."
To which Gobby, slightly less enthusiastically, pointed out that she now felt in need of the next in the series: "Why Am I Doing This To Myself?!"
After moving house Pocahontas was helping Rick Francis set up his computer. At the appropriate
point in the process she told him that he would now have to enter a
password, something he could remember easily as he would have to use it
each time he logged on.
Rick was in a rather amorous mood & figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to Pocahontas' attention. When the Computer asked
him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to her that he
was keying in......
....P....... E....... N....... I........ S..............
She fell off the chair laughing when the computer replied,
**** PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
Saturday Night at the Movies...
As the week dragged wearily on, reviewing his targets, Rick Francis, the work-life balance guru of The Regulars, was horrified to see how little hard work avoidance had been achieved and immediately placed The Local on a heightened state of alert and brought contingency measures into play.
In no time at all The Regulars had abandoned all semblance of labour and were merrily whiling away the hours in search of the crucial:
"Which famous movie are you?" http://similarminds.com/movie.html
Not only did this decimate the remaining hours of toil and seriously reduce productivity across all sectors but also, somewhat surprisingly, the ensuing answers were indeed revealing if not even Freudian in their accuracy:
Tubthumper: I'm an Easy Rider, apparently. I just want to maintain a calm, cool, andcomfortable environment. Possibly the most accurate test so far?
Rick Francis: I'm Sunset Boulevard, I crave fame and want to be liked by everyone.
Buyergirl: I am Mr Smith goes to Washington (Never heard of it) Determining and doing the right thing is the foundation of my personality! Tattoo: I am Platoon. Strong on the battlefield and, preserve ones security. (He was, after all famed for an inordinate amount of fighting in his youth).
Pocahontas: Well I am Raiders of the Lost Ark. I live for adventure, fortune-hunting, and danger.Adding, "Yeah right I don't do adventures, and hunting yeah I do when my child has not got a nappy on and does a smelly one on the floor, which yeah I suppose is very dangerous."
to which the rest of The Regulars agreed was far more adventurous and dangerous than they could cope with...
Hamish: Didn't need to do the test as The Regulars already knew it could only come out as 'Gone with the Wind'.
However, the fun and frivolity was brutally cut short when Gobby, on receiving her decision of:
"You are The Godfather. You are all about power and control, living by the mafia code"
declared that it was obviously all a load of complete rubbish if not, indeed lunacy and that they weren't playing anymore!
Technomuppet
The Regulars eagerly read an email promising excitement of unimaginable magnitude from Hamish that they were on the edge of their work (obviously some degree of imagination needed in that application of that word to the scenario) chairs as they waited for the attachment.
Indeed, from the harshness of Hamish's instruction none of them would have dared to take even the slightest peek before thoroughly digesting the text:
READ THE TEXT FIRSTTired of getting stuck in slow moving traffic?Want to have your own lane on the Motorway?Simple, tie these balloons to your car. Belt it down the M180 (or any otherroad you wish to drive fast on) and watch other car drivers freak out andsimply get out of your way!
When you get stopped by the police, tell them you thought they were real!If you are a BMW or Volvo driver, do the same but just don't bother withthe balloons - the drag will slow you down.(See attached file: balloons.jpg)
There comes a time when, if even Billy Idle sees fit to drag himself from his sickbed (the bed was sick of him, by the way, not, as one would normally expect, the other way round) to instruct Hamish, to guide him into the future and to witness a technological miracle unfurl, that the unfathomable lack of gratitude on Hamish's part to fail to follow by example and not to heed such an altruistic gesture truly pushed the understanding and normally gentlest of nature of The Regulars to the very edge.
It was at this point that Gobby felt it was her turn to take over as Hamish's mentor and further guide him with the words:
So where are the f**king balloons!?!?!?
Technomuppet!!!!
This somehow gave Billy the strength to face Hamish once more, appealing to the aforementioned afflicted side of his character (see many Barton Lives Tourette's references):
Ficking Tecno-muppet
Order was only restored by the saintly nature (and the fact that he is more skilled at hard work avoidance than the rest of The Regulars put together) of Rick Francis who finally deigned to offer an olive branch:
"Just cos you're my friend, Hamish, I'll send the picture for you to save anymore stick."
Priceless
On distribution of the latest photos The Regulars could only sympathise with Tattoo's best attempts to pull on holiday...
Too much time on your hands....
It has always been said that tolerance, understanding, altruism and compassion for their fellow man have always been the doctrine by which The Regulars eke out their ascetic existence, being thankful for every day by which they are continued to be allowed to shuffle their way through this mortal coil.
However, all this taken into consideration, there comes a breaking point in everyone, no matter how flawless an existence they lead, and especially hard to bear when brought on by one of their own flock deemed to be shuffling his way in excess even by their own pious standards.
Indeed, even the best of The Regulars and the most staunch devotees of Hard Work Avoidance were finding it hard to keep their heads above water and their eyes in the back of their heads when it came to drowning in the sea of seemingly randomly generated emails causing their inboxes to floweth over and not receiving an official warning from their respective workplaces (except the Lady of Shallott, whose inbox was already full of potatoes rather than spam).
It was at this point that The Regulars felt the need to remind Tattoo that his Deathclock was ticking, (see Barton Lives: Bad News October 2006) and, indeed, would be ticking all the quicker if he kept up this level of bombardment.
In desperation Gobby searched high and low to find alternative means of recreation for the aforementioned afflicted in which he may find some level of solace or see the error of his ways:
http://zed1.com/journalized/archives/2003/04/13/too-much-time-on-your-hands/
http://vowe.net/archives/003812.html
http://www.rpi.edu/~kuurem/toomuchtime.html
http://dubberley.com/archives/000297.html
http://www.jibjab.com/view/52341
http://oneforjc.blogspot.com/2007/07/too-much-time-on-your-hands.html
http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/entries/2006/10/11/the-next-time-someone-suggests-you-have-too-much-time-on-your-hands-show-them-this/6597
The rest of The Regulars, who could only pray and dream of reaching Gobby’s sanctimonious and virtuous echelons of tolerance added:
GO BACK TO FUCKING WORK!!!!
Do it Yourself (or not!)
With his new found love of the library and unerringly selfless nature, Rick Francis took it upon himself to select books that he felt the rest of The Regulars truly could not live without, recommending the following:
"One for you, Billy?"
To which Billy Idle enthusiastically retorted,
"Indeed. And Gobby has a similar book called "You Do It Instead."
To which Gobby, slightly less enthusiastically, pointed out that she now felt in need of the next in the series: "Why Am I Doing This To Myself?!"
June 2007
Rick and Hamish go to the Library
The Regulars were delighted when Rick Francis and Hamish, two more upstanding members of the community you could not hope to meet, decided to support their local services and take a trip to the library to further educate themselves, should this be possible.
It was a veritable joy to see their excited little faces as they tucked themselves into a corner of The Local and settled down for a good read.
However, it was at this point, on observing the reading matter in question, that the rest of The Regulars realised that would be the last time they should be allowed to go to the library unsupervised.
Time to call it a day
The Regulars felt it was time they took it upon themselves to have a quiet word with Rick Francis...
Who's Who?
Definitely not to be confused with the "32,000 short biographies, continually updated, of living noteworthy and influential individuals" as let's face it, how many of these are likely to be resident in Barton-upon-Humber? (Lord Dudley excepted but The Regulars could only dream of reaching the echelons of his social class and a bank holiday trip tp Skegness in a caravan but therein lies a whole new story to be told...)
But, more to the point, The Regulars excelled themselves when Rick Frances, on a particularly onerous day down the chemical plant (think Homer Simpson) managed to happen on a quiz site that presented The Regulars with the best part of a whole week's 'hard work avoidance'.
So, dear readers, from a selection of the answers to the questions can you decide Who's Who?
3. What are you most afraid of?
Losing a quid to Landlord, Den
MY KIDS
Computers
Going to work
Women
5. Place of birth
ESSEX (yeah!)
6. Favourite food
Full English Breakfast
7. What's your natural hair colour?
blonde( Strawberry NOT Ginger)
What hair ?
8. Ever been to Alaska?
Dont think so, but i'll ask her.
9. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
NO BUT ROLLED THE TOILET PAPER BACK UP AFTER KIDS HAD ROLLED IT
Only the ones i've dropped after a good drink.
what the.........??
10. Love someone so much it made you
No. unless you count Rick, but he made me.
Made you what? Made you what!?!?!?!!!
11. Been in a car accident
Yes, overturned. Police said is that your car sir, replied no, mine doesn't have wheels on top.
Yes, Wrote the ex-wifes car off (hee hee)
No, but I've seen hundreds!
13. Favourite day of the week
WHAT EVER DAY KIDS GO TO THEIR DADS
15. Favourite FlowerPeople have favourite flowers???? (Go figure!)
Self raising
Cannabis
The red ones. The name escapes me. Lancashire Rose
16. Favourite sport to watch
Touring cars.(is porn a sport?)
Yes, Porn is a sport. You use more muscles watching porn than you do watching any other sport.
17. Favourite drink
You are what you drink, I'm a bitter man
19. Disney or Warner Brothers?
Neither, I'm a grown up20. Ever been on a ship?
Yes.(but they found me and threw me off)
21. What colour is your bedroom carpet? Star Question!!!
Can't remember, Beige I think
DEEP RED, NOT BEIGE AND NO BEIGE IN IT AT ALL
Darling,
Are you sure we've got a red carpet in the bedroom,I'm bloody sure it's beige, just go and check.
RICK, YES IM SURE CONSIDERING THE COMPUTER IS IN THE BEDROOM NOT THAT I HAD TO LOOK AND CHECK ANYWAYPROBABLY WRONG WIFE LOVE OR WRONG HOUSE (GIPSY)
Sorry, my little snapdragon,Although to be fair I have lived in quite a few houses in the last couple of years.
Even so, I think a beige carpet would look nice in that bedroom, it would go with the yellow wallpaper...
CREAM,RED & ORANGE DEAREST
Hamish, what colour is your bedroom carpet? perhaps that's where the mix-up is coming from?
Light Brown(remember now Rick?)
Hamish, Is light brown not beige? I knew I'd rodgered someone in a bedroom with a light brown (beige) carpet...
Rick, really! You havent been in the bedroom, but the stair carpet is blue if you remember. Hamish. XXX
Is our bedroom the one with the water-bed, or am I getting Totally confused?
I'M NOT EVEN REPLYING TO THAT, RICK!!
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once, now will have to do it the braille way, like Billy Idle (for the uninitiated, Billy once declared down The Local that he thought the bobbly bits on the horn on his steering wheel were so blind people could find it. The penny still didn't drop when he then considered how blind people would know, whilst they were all out driving, that there was a hazard for them to need the horn).
Passed 1st time.(saw a few accidents as i remember)
None, I wore a short skirt and dangly earring!!!!!!!
You can fail?
I'm too embarrassed to admit it....................................................................................................... 3
Once, stupid examiner
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail
Easy jet newsletter - obviously I don't have any friends...
24. What do you do when you are bored?
I Don't get bored, however I do have times when I have nothing better to do, then the clean answer is sleep.
Cannot possibly comment.
You really dont want to know.
25. Bedtime
Anytime.
Thank god for that.
Love it
26. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest?
Rick cause he does the least work
27. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond?Hamish, his e-mail system is on a meter.
28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses?
Pocahontas, to find out what colour the bedroom carpet is
29. Favourite TV show
Dont see any t.v. anymore, too busy filling in questionnaires
31. What is your lucky number?
None of the frigging lottery numbers
33. How many tattoos do you have?
Just the one. his nickname is Steve
Shit, Hang on................. 19
35. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Fowl question.
Dont know,but i do know why it crossed the road, then, as previously on Barton Lives, I ran it over.
Who cares?
Which one is male?
36. What do you want to do before you die?
Live a little
Get old
Drink all the beers in my "300 Beers to try before you Die" book that my mother bought me
As if this hadn't caused them enough hard work avoidance, The Regulars eagerly sought out further surveys but decided to abandon the practice on realising the serious effect these were having on Hamish's Tourettes:
1. What is your favourite word? Porn
2. What is your least favourite word? No porn
3. What turns you on? Porn
4. What turns you off? No porn
5. What is your favourite curse word? Ficking Muppet
6. What sound or noise do you love? Vibraters
7. What sound or noise do you hate? Vibraters running flat
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Porn Star
9. What profession would you not like to do? Gay Porn Star
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? No need for condoms here, Hamish.
Quick Learner
The Regulars were amazed to observe that Hamish, once the fax-loving techno-virgin of The Local, had made astounding progress once Billy Idle finally got round to connecting him to the world wide web and could only marvel at the speed with which he had created his own website:
It then became apparent that he had learned such knowledge on his secret weekend retreats although, to be fair, The Regulars had never really believed a grown man could truly spend so much time at Butlins...
The Regulars were delighted when Rick Francis and Hamish, two more upstanding members of the community you could not hope to meet, decided to support their local services and take a trip to the library to further educate themselves, should this be possible.
It was a veritable joy to see their excited little faces as they tucked themselves into a corner of The Local and settled down for a good read.
However, it was at this point, on observing the reading matter in question, that the rest of The Regulars realised that would be the last time they should be allowed to go to the library unsupervised.
Time to call it a day
The Regulars felt it was time they took it upon themselves to have a quiet word with Rick Francis...
Who's Who?
Definitely not to be confused with the "32,000 short biographies, continually updated, of living noteworthy and influential individuals" as let's face it, how many of these are likely to be resident in Barton-upon-Humber? (Lord Dudley excepted but The Regulars could only dream of reaching the echelons of his social class and a bank holiday trip tp Skegness in a caravan but therein lies a whole new story to be told...)
But, more to the point, The Regulars excelled themselves when Rick Frances, on a particularly onerous day down the chemical plant (think Homer Simpson) managed to happen on a quiz site that presented The Regulars with the best part of a whole week's 'hard work avoidance'.
So, dear readers, from a selection of the answers to the questions can you decide Who's Who?
3. What are you most afraid of?
Losing a quid to Landlord, Den
MY KIDS
Computers
Going to work
Women
5. Place of birth
ESSEX (yeah!)
6. Favourite food
Full English Breakfast
7. What's your natural hair colour?
blonde( Strawberry NOT Ginger)
What hair ?
8. Ever been to Alaska?
Dont think so, but i'll ask her.
9. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
NO BUT ROLLED THE TOILET PAPER BACK UP AFTER KIDS HAD ROLLED IT
Only the ones i've dropped after a good drink.
what the.........??
10. Love someone so much it made you
No. unless you count Rick, but he made me.
Made you what? Made you what!?!?!?!!!
11. Been in a car accident
Yes, overturned. Police said is that your car sir, replied no, mine doesn't have wheels on top.
Yes, Wrote the ex-wifes car off (hee hee)
No, but I've seen hundreds!
13. Favourite day of the week
WHAT EVER DAY KIDS GO TO THEIR DADS
15. Favourite FlowerPeople have favourite flowers???? (Go figure!)
Self raising
Cannabis
The red ones. The name escapes me. Lancashire Rose
16. Favourite sport to watch
Touring cars.(is porn a sport?)
Yes, Porn is a sport. You use more muscles watching porn than you do watching any other sport.
17. Favourite drink
You are what you drink, I'm a bitter man
19. Disney or Warner Brothers?
Neither, I'm a grown up20. Ever been on a ship?
Yes.(but they found me and threw me off)
21. What colour is your bedroom carpet? Star Question!!!
Can't remember, Beige I think
DEEP RED, NOT BEIGE AND NO BEIGE IN IT AT ALL
Darling,
Are you sure we've got a red carpet in the bedroom,I'm bloody sure it's beige, just go and check.
RICK, YES IM SURE CONSIDERING THE COMPUTER IS IN THE BEDROOM NOT THAT I HAD TO LOOK AND CHECK ANYWAYPROBABLY WRONG WIFE LOVE OR WRONG HOUSE (GIPSY)
Sorry, my little snapdragon,Although to be fair I have lived in quite a few houses in the last couple of years.
Even so, I think a beige carpet would look nice in that bedroom, it would go with the yellow wallpaper...
CREAM,RED & ORANGE DEAREST
Hamish, what colour is your bedroom carpet? perhaps that's where the mix-up is coming from?
Light Brown(remember now Rick?)
Hamish, Is light brown not beige? I knew I'd rodgered someone in a bedroom with a light brown (beige) carpet...
Rick, really! You havent been in the bedroom, but the stair carpet is blue if you remember. Hamish. XXX
Is our bedroom the one with the water-bed, or am I getting Totally confused?
I'M NOT EVEN REPLYING TO THAT, RICK!!
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once, now will have to do it the braille way, like Billy Idle (for the uninitiated, Billy once declared down The Local that he thought the bobbly bits on the horn on his steering wheel were so blind people could find it. The penny still didn't drop when he then considered how blind people would know, whilst they were all out driving, that there was a hazard for them to need the horn).
Passed 1st time.(saw a few accidents as i remember)
None, I wore a short skirt and dangly earring!!!!!!!
You can fail?
I'm too embarrassed to admit it....................................................................................................... 3
Once, stupid examiner
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail
Easy jet newsletter - obviously I don't have any friends...
24. What do you do when you are bored?
I Don't get bored, however I do have times when I have nothing better to do, then the clean answer is sleep.
Cannot possibly comment.
You really dont want to know.
25. Bedtime
Anytime.
Thank god for that.
Love it
26. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest?
Rick cause he does the least work
27. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond?Hamish, his e-mail system is on a meter.
28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses?
Pocahontas, to find out what colour the bedroom carpet is
29. Favourite TV show
Dont see any t.v. anymore, too busy filling in questionnaires
31. What is your lucky number?
None of the frigging lottery numbers
33. How many tattoos do you have?
Just the one. his nickname is Steve
Shit, Hang on................. 19
35. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Fowl question.
Dont know,but i do know why it crossed the road, then, as previously on Barton Lives, I ran it over.
Who cares?
Which one is male?
36. What do you want to do before you die?
Live a little
Get old
Drink all the beers in my "300 Beers to try before you Die" book that my mother bought me
As if this hadn't caused them enough hard work avoidance, The Regulars eagerly sought out further surveys but decided to abandon the practice on realising the serious effect these were having on Hamish's Tourettes:
1. What is your favourite word? Porn
2. What is your least favourite word? No porn
3. What turns you on? Porn
4. What turns you off? No porn
5. What is your favourite curse word? Ficking Muppet
6. What sound or noise do you love? Vibraters
7. What sound or noise do you hate? Vibraters running flat
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Porn Star
9. What profession would you not like to do? Gay Porn Star
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? No need for condoms here, Hamish.
Quick Learner
The Regulars were amazed to observe that Hamish, once the fax-loving techno-virgin of The Local, had made astounding progress once Billy Idle finally got round to connecting him to the world wide web and could only marvel at the speed with which he had created his own website:
It then became apparent that he had learned such knowledge on his secret weekend retreats although, to be fair, The Regulars had never really believed a grown man could truly spend so much time at Butlins...
February 2007
Strangely Familiar
The Regulars were obviously at a loss as to of whom the following cartoon reminded them although it did look strangely familiar...
An Invitation too good to refuse...
After a highly successful Bank Holiday weekend rugby league & stew fest Rick Francis felt it would be good cheer to continue the theme cordially inviting the rest of The Regulars to a forthcoming event:
Challenge cup quarter final -
Challenge cup quarter final - Hull FC v Catalan Dragons -Sunday 10th June 3:15 kick off
Anyone fancy the afternoon watching a good French side?Tickets go on sale tomorrow, but it looks like you can pay on the day.
It soon became apparent, however, that Rick's informative and benevolent gesture to his fellow man had not been so received by his loving wife:
"Oh Rick,Have you learned nothing since being with me?Sorry to you all for Rick's stupidity, I will rewrite this invitation for him:Challenge cup quarter final The best team in the world Hull FC v Catalan Dragons
Sunday 10th June 3:15 kick offAnybody wanting the privilege to go to one of the best stadiums in super league, and have the honour of watching Challenge cup winners 2005, plus super league finalists 2006, (although got totally ripped off as the ref was paid by saints) Hull FC totally wipe the floor with the French team, who will probably be relegated next season, as they have only stayed in super league so long due to the fact they are not allowed to be relegated for two seasons.
If you feel you'd like this privilege of watching this fantastic team Hull FC, tickets go on sale tomorrow, on most games you can pay on the day, but with it been Hull FC you are advised to get tickets ASAP as everyone will also want this privilege (and let's face it who would blame them).Not yet sure of admission charge, will find out later, although I'm sure you will agree the cost does not matter, as we are talking about Hull FC. There you go Rick: that is how it should have been stated. And Baldy Bouncer, Tattoo DON'T SAY A WORD. Kindest Regards Pocahontas, loyal and faithful Hull FC fan!!!!!!!!!"
So, no confusion there of any kind…
Hamish unreservedly supported Pocahontas (albeit in his own very special Tourette's induced way):
"I'm with Pocahontas on this one. mainly because she has breasts and serves me beer. Where’s Hull? .Hamish."
Although, with possibly a degree of too much information, Tattoo did see fit to point out:
"Rick also has breasts and, in the past has served you beer. He has also slept with you, has he not?"
At this juncture the rest of The Regulars felt a sudden urge to remove themselves from the discussion and throw themselves wholeheartedly into work (for once), (until the storm had blown over)...
Gas
On arriving at work at the chemical plant Barrow Boy aka Tubthumper was driven from the office by a mysterious and wholly stomach churning stench causing him to elicit advice from The Regulars out of concern:
"There was a strange smell emanating from the office this morning. Do youthink this picture of Rick Francis explains it?"
Knowing their eating habits well Gobby commented that,
"Does make you wonder what Pocahontas put in last night's stew..."
However, Rick was quick to defend his lovely wife's culinary efforts pointing out,
"Stew Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,Actually we had a vindaloo with sprouts and beans, so I don't know whatcould have caused it."
So The Regulars were none the wiser and reluctantly got about their working day (apart from Tubthumper who spent the reminder of his retching over a bucket in the corner).
The Regulars were obviously at a loss as to of whom the following cartoon reminded them although it did look strangely familiar...
An Invitation too good to refuse...
After a highly successful Bank Holiday weekend rugby league & stew fest Rick Francis felt it would be good cheer to continue the theme cordially inviting the rest of The Regulars to a forthcoming event:
Challenge cup quarter final -
Challenge cup quarter final - Hull FC v Catalan Dragons -Sunday 10th June 3:15 kick off
Anyone fancy the afternoon watching a good French side?Tickets go on sale tomorrow, but it looks like you can pay on the day.
It soon became apparent, however, that Rick's informative and benevolent gesture to his fellow man had not been so received by his loving wife:
"Oh Rick,Have you learned nothing since being with me?Sorry to you all for Rick's stupidity, I will rewrite this invitation for him:Challenge cup quarter final The best team in the world Hull FC v Catalan Dragons
Sunday 10th June 3:15 kick offAnybody wanting the privilege to go to one of the best stadiums in super league, and have the honour of watching Challenge cup winners 2005, plus super league finalists 2006, (although got totally ripped off as the ref was paid by saints) Hull FC totally wipe the floor with the French team, who will probably be relegated next season, as they have only stayed in super league so long due to the fact they are not allowed to be relegated for two seasons.
If you feel you'd like this privilege of watching this fantastic team Hull FC, tickets go on sale tomorrow, on most games you can pay on the day, but with it been Hull FC you are advised to get tickets ASAP as everyone will also want this privilege (and let's face it who would blame them).Not yet sure of admission charge, will find out later, although I'm sure you will agree the cost does not matter, as we are talking about Hull FC. There you go Rick: that is how it should have been stated. And Baldy Bouncer, Tattoo DON'T SAY A WORD. Kindest Regards Pocahontas, loyal and faithful Hull FC fan!!!!!!!!!"
So, no confusion there of any kind…
Hamish unreservedly supported Pocahontas (albeit in his own very special Tourette's induced way):
"I'm with Pocahontas on this one. mainly because she has breasts and serves me beer. Where’s Hull? .Hamish."
Although, with possibly a degree of too much information, Tattoo did see fit to point out:
"Rick also has breasts and, in the past has served you beer. He has also slept with you, has he not?"
At this juncture the rest of The Regulars felt a sudden urge to remove themselves from the discussion and throw themselves wholeheartedly into work (for once), (until the storm had blown over)...
During a particularly stressful week of hard work avoidance The Regulars decided to indulge in a new pastime of seeing which animals they most closely resembled (although some would argue that they would be better served trying harder to resemble human beings on occasions).
Rick Francis, champion of finding such wholly useless websites since discovering the delights of predicting the countdown to his own death as previously documented on Barton Lives and clearly with the least hard work to avoid, started the ball rolling with:
"I am the mighty andfeared............................................................
Rick Francis, champion of finding such wholly useless websites since discovering the delights of predicting the countdown to his own death as previously documented on Barton Lives and clearly with the least hard work to avoid, started the ball rolling with:
"I am the mighty andfeared............................................................
"Badger."
On trying this for herself Gobby was perturbed to find that:
Worryingly so am I... and we are just SO similar...
And was even more disgruntled on reading the character analysis in no way agreeing with the accusation of being 'grumpy' and especially 'hard-working'
Always one to wind her up further Rick Francis challenged with:
Let's see just how much in common we really are.On the same quiz site, which breed of domestic dog are you?
Misguidedly Gobby believed this could only be better until the results were returned casing her great distress to discover:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cannot be true!!!!
I am a POMERANIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An irritating yappy centre of attention little bastard dog!!!
HOW CAN THIS HAVE HAPPENED!?!?!?!?!?!?"
To give him his due, Rick Francis did try to console her in some way with the following words of comfort:
"mmmmmmm, now let me think............................................Nocan't think how this could have happened.""I'm a Labrador, Clever, energetic, loyal, good looking......
oh and full of shit".
Gobby could only must at the inaccuracy and injustice of such findings wailing,
"God help us if Billy Idle comes put as a greyhound or something!!!!!!""
Meanwhile, during this contretemps the rest of The Regulars had been quietly assessing their positions in the animal kingdom:
Tubthumper seemed rather pleased with himself on discovering that:
"I happen to be a Bear.
Apparently it means I'm quite laid back and only get motivated when there's food around!!!"
To which Billy Idle added that he too was a bear and that it was,
"Pretty accurate I think - especially the lazy bit!!!!"
Pocahontas shyly admitted'
"I am the horse which says I am a fantastic person, people think of me as a 1st class friend, basically the sun shines out of my arse!!!!!!!"
Whilst Hamish declared:
"Topped you all! I'm the PANDA.Eats, shoots and leaves."
On which, being scared of his many and frequent Tourette's-induced outbursts The Regulars chose not to pass comment...
On trying this for herself Gobby was perturbed to find that:
Worryingly so am I... and we are just SO similar...
And was even more disgruntled on reading the character analysis in no way agreeing with the accusation of being 'grumpy' and especially 'hard-working'
Always one to wind her up further Rick Francis challenged with:
Let's see just how much in common we really are.On the same quiz site, which breed of domestic dog are you?
Misguidedly Gobby believed this could only be better until the results were returned casing her great distress to discover:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cannot be true!!!!
I am a POMERANIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An irritating yappy centre of attention little bastard dog!!!
HOW CAN THIS HAVE HAPPENED!?!?!?!?!?!?"
To give him his due, Rick Francis did try to console her in some way with the following words of comfort:
"mmmmmmm, now let me think............................................Nocan't think how this could have happened.""I'm a Labrador, Clever, energetic, loyal, good looking......
oh and full of shit".
Gobby could only must at the inaccuracy and injustice of such findings wailing,
"God help us if Billy Idle comes put as a greyhound or something!!!!!!""
Meanwhile, during this contretemps the rest of The Regulars had been quietly assessing their positions in the animal kingdom:
Tubthumper seemed rather pleased with himself on discovering that:
"I happen to be a Bear.
Apparently it means I'm quite laid back and only get motivated when there's food around!!!"
To which Billy Idle added that he too was a bear and that it was,
"Pretty accurate I think - especially the lazy bit!!!!"
Pocahontas shyly admitted'
"I am the horse which says I am a fantastic person, people think of me as a 1st class friend, basically the sun shines out of my arse!!!!!!!"
Whilst Hamish declared:
"Topped you all! I'm the PANDA.Eats, shoots and leaves."
On which, being scared of his many and frequent Tourette's-induced outbursts The Regulars chose not to pass comment...
Gas
On arriving at work at the chemical plant Barrow Boy aka Tubthumper was driven from the office by a mysterious and wholly stomach churning stench causing him to elicit advice from The Regulars out of concern:
"There was a strange smell emanating from the office this morning. Do youthink this picture of Rick Francis explains it?"
Knowing their eating habits well Gobby commented that,
"Does make you wonder what Pocahontas put in last night's stew..."
However, Rick was quick to defend his lovely wife's culinary efforts pointing out,
"Stew Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,Actually we had a vindaloo with sprouts and beans, so I don't know whatcould have caused it."
So The Regulars were none the wiser and reluctantly got about their working day (apart from Tubthumper who spent the reminder of his retching over a bucket in the corner).
19th Hole
Realising that the romp through the park had only been the tip of the iceberg, the rest of The Regulars breathed a sigh of relief as it became all too apparent why Hamish would not be joining them on this year's vacation...
Realising that the romp through the park had only been the tip of the iceberg, the rest of The Regulars breathed a sigh of relief as it became all too apparent why Hamish would not be joining them on this year's vacation...
Too excited for their own good...
Not satisfied with the ludicrous ritual of growing ridiculous facial hair in advance of their escape from their wives and partners it became clear that The regulars were getting far too excited by their forthcoming sojourn than their collective age of 437 should allow:
Rick Francis got so ahead of himself that, even prior to this year's event he bagan planning for next year suggesting he had just found the perfect website for Tattoo's next holiday:
http://www.baldheadisland.com/
It would seem that Barrow Boy too was dropping hints that he too may like to be included next year, despite his somewhat novice status claiming,
"I think even I would be able to pot a few balls on a course like this."
To which Tattoo did point out that, the skill of The Regulars being such,
"Would probably still miss."
Not satisfied with the ludicrous ritual of growing ridiculous facial hair in advance of their escape from their wives and partners it became clear that The regulars were getting far too excited by their forthcoming sojourn than their collective age of 437 should allow:
Rick Francis got so ahead of himself that, even prior to this year's event he bagan planning for next year suggesting he had just found the perfect website for Tattoo's next holiday:
http://www.baldheadisland.com/
It would seem that Barrow Boy too was dropping hints that he too may like to be included next year, despite his somewhat novice status claiming,
"I think even I would be able to pot a few balls on a course like this."
To which Tattoo did point out that, the skill of The Regulars being such,
"Would probably still miss."
Pants!
Gobby was very upset to find, after many years of renown, that Hamish had tried to overthrow her title of biggest pants down The Local...
She could only console herself with the knowledge that at least it was his turn for a wedgie...
Gobby was very upset to find, after many years of renown, that Hamish had tried to overthrow her title of biggest pants down The Local...
She could only console herself with the knowledge that at least it was his turn for a wedgie...
Going Swimmingly
After many years of self-abuse and in a desperate attempt to live longer than their waist sizes The Regulars decided to take up some long-overdue form of exercise.
After much contemplation of the various forms on offer, swimming was selected as the activity of choice on Billy Idle's sound recommendation of it being "God's way of making fat people float".
On arrival Gobby was horrified to find that no one had told Tattoo that Speedos had gone out along with the first cross-channel swim and decided action needed to be taken before the next immersion berating him for the unsuitability of his choice of attire and for failing to keep appearances up to the high standards demanded by The Regulars.
However, her relief on being informed by Tattoo that amends had been made were short-lived when she realised his comment of:
"Seeing that you are a little bit embarrassed by my Speedos, I have decided to go swimming in my best tuxedo."
was not in fact tongue in cheek...
After many years of self-abuse and in a desperate attempt to live longer than their waist sizes The Regulars decided to take up some long-overdue form of exercise.
After much contemplation of the various forms on offer, swimming was selected as the activity of choice on Billy Idle's sound recommendation of it being "God's way of making fat people float".
On arrival Gobby was horrified to find that no one had told Tattoo that Speedos had gone out along with the first cross-channel swim and decided action needed to be taken before the next immersion berating him for the unsuitability of his choice of attire and for failing to keep appearances up to the high standards demanded by The Regulars.
However, her relief on being informed by Tattoo that amends had been made were short-lived when she realised his comment of:
"Seeing that you are a little bit embarrassed by my Speedos, I have decided to go swimming in my best tuxedo."
was not in fact tongue in cheek...
That time of year again
The Regulars could hardly contain their excitement for their forthcoming golfing holiday when Barrow Boy happened upon one of the resort webcams:
The Regulars could hardly contain their excitement for their forthcoming golfing holiday when Barrow Boy happened upon one of the resort webcams:
Billy Idle finally pulls his finger out and gets round to his housewarming party...
After only a matter of months Billy Idle finally got round to giving his housewarming party - possibly as, on moving in, he had discovered that in order to have a housewarming one's house does actually need to facilitate heating so that some degree of warming could indeed be possible.
True to form, the karaoke king returned in all his Disney finery and Blue Suede Shoes confirming the fact that Gobby had tried to explain to the Lady of Shallot in that, it was not in fact that Billy's fashion sense had in any way improved, it was simply that all the skeletons and worse in his closet had merely been waiting for an opportunity to emerge once more.
Obviously the event was a roaring success not least for Jordan, who this time managed not to camouflage herself as one of the sofas and risk being sat upon for the entire evening although Gobby did forewarn her and give her the opportunity to be clad head to toe in brown leather; and for Ol' Blue Eyes himself who must have been rubbing his hands in glee to rid himself of the burden of the responsibility for of the vintage cans of Pedigree bequeathed to him in the last will and testament of his long-dead neighbour, which, he may have got away with had one sip not been on the verge of sending Barrow Boy into anaphylactic shock.
However, all were united in their agreement on the highlight of the evening courtesy of Barrow Boy - or shouls it now be 'TUBTHUMPER'?!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgj_wHVaIaU
Gobby did feel however that some of The Regulars were not really adhering to the strong sense of social responsibility upheld down The Local and, had they heeded her sanctimonious example of retiring to bed at a reasonable time fully dressed, complete with shoes, then Hamish would never have been in danger of receiving an ASBO for his naked journey home through the park.
Buyergirl also confessed that she too would have would have retired earlier had she known that her beloved would spend the evening being pelted by tasteful Scooby Snack cushions as Rick Francis ensured he would not miss a moment of the joviality of the evening and that all prospect of more than a few snatches of sleep would be rendered impossible by Billy's own natural alarm call of the snoring of legend down The Local that, despite being through a wall and 2 closed doors had them fleeing for the safety of the north bank a little after daybreak.
In addition, by the end of the evening, it must be said the Lady of Shallot did rue her earlier comments and would have given her last onion to see Billy attired in his usual party-time sartorial elegance than the final sorry state of affairs that confronted those guests stalwart enough to make it to the bitter end.
After only a matter of months Billy Idle finally got round to giving his housewarming party - possibly as, on moving in, he had discovered that in order to have a housewarming one's house does actually need to facilitate heating so that some degree of warming could indeed be possible.
True to form, the karaoke king returned in all his Disney finery and Blue Suede Shoes confirming the fact that Gobby had tried to explain to the Lady of Shallot in that, it was not in fact that Billy's fashion sense had in any way improved, it was simply that all the skeletons and worse in his closet had merely been waiting for an opportunity to emerge once more.
Obviously the event was a roaring success not least for Jordan, who this time managed not to camouflage herself as one of the sofas and risk being sat upon for the entire evening although Gobby did forewarn her and give her the opportunity to be clad head to toe in brown leather; and for Ol' Blue Eyes himself who must have been rubbing his hands in glee to rid himself of the burden of the responsibility for of the vintage cans of Pedigree bequeathed to him in the last will and testament of his long-dead neighbour, which, he may have got away with had one sip not been on the verge of sending Barrow Boy into anaphylactic shock.
However, all were united in their agreement on the highlight of the evening courtesy of Barrow Boy - or shouls it now be 'TUBTHUMPER'?!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgj_wHVaIaU
Gobby did feel however that some of The Regulars were not really adhering to the strong sense of social responsibility upheld down The Local and, had they heeded her sanctimonious example of retiring to bed at a reasonable time fully dressed, complete with shoes, then Hamish would never have been in danger of receiving an ASBO for his naked journey home through the park.
Buyergirl also confessed that she too would have would have retired earlier had she known that her beloved would spend the evening being pelted by tasteful Scooby Snack cushions as Rick Francis ensured he would not miss a moment of the joviality of the evening and that all prospect of more than a few snatches of sleep would be rendered impossible by Billy's own natural alarm call of the snoring of legend down The Local that, despite being through a wall and 2 closed doors had them fleeing for the safety of the north bank a little after daybreak.
In addition, by the end of the evening, it must be said the Lady of Shallot did rue her earlier comments and would have given her last onion to see Billy attired in his usual party-time sartorial elegance than the final sorry state of affairs that confronted those guests stalwart enough to make it to the bitter end.
Happy Ever After
All that need be said is that The Regulars were delighted to celebrate the joyous occasion of the joining in matrimony of Rick Francis and Pocahontas.
And, only slightly more delighted to find out that, as the happy event was to be held down The Local, that there wouldn't even have be any effort involved in having to move a muscle to do so.
All that need be said is that The Regulars were delighted to celebrate the joyous occasion of the joining in matrimony of Rick Francis and Pocahontas.
And, only slightly more delighted to find out that, as the happy event was to be held down The Local, that there wouldn't even have be any effort involved in having to move a muscle to do so.
New Blood
As ever The Regulars, always delighted to lure some unsuspecting outsiders into their lair were gleeful to welcome Rick Francis's new colleague, Barrow Boy resident in the next village (and believe it that makes you an outsider in The Shire) and his lovely wife.
However, there was an issue regarding suitable nomenclature for the latter causing much debate and consternation:
Rick Francis suggested that he basic facts would be a good starting point helpfully pointing out:
"She starts work in a Onion factory next week,Her hobbies include Bell RingingHer accent is a bit, well, Southern"
After Tattoo had indicated he was too scared by such details to dare to suggest anything and much deeply intellectually pondering of such matters by The Regulars Gobby felt she had found the solution:
"I've got it!!
"The Lady of Shallot' = the famous poem by Alfred, Lord Tennyson"
This seemed to go down famously with the lady in question who enthused:
"Cool! I like it, but it's not down to me?"
To which Gobby, true to form in a demure, shy and retiring way pointed out:
"NO!! It's down to me!!!!! That's settled then!!"
This did however, remarkably, stir a response from Billy Idle:
"Oh, aren’t we being authoritative!!! Lol.
Whatever happened to ideas on the table and discussion down The Local??"
Clearly tired of the unnecessary intervention to what had already been agreed by the female element of The Regulars and regretting having spurred the more commonly sloth-like Billy into a semi-conscious state before opening hours Gobby decided to pull rank announcing:
"Who decides?!?!
And I'm an only child so I expect my own way at all times and won't share."
Billy, who must have remarkably still been awake at this point retorted:
"Play nice with the other children!!!
Otherwise, you’ll never have any friends if you keep being peevish. Although that may be why you sit reading poems by Alfred, Lord Tennyson."
Undeterred by yet another slight on her character Gobby smugly reminded The Regulars:
"You will all be thanking me if it comes up on pub quiz this week..."
Mercifully at this point Rick Francis intervened having discovered a portrait in which the remarkable similarity could be observed...
As ever The Regulars, always delighted to lure some unsuspecting outsiders into their lair were gleeful to welcome Rick Francis's new colleague, Barrow Boy resident in the next village (and believe it that makes you an outsider in The Shire) and his lovely wife.
However, there was an issue regarding suitable nomenclature for the latter causing much debate and consternation:
Rick Francis suggested that he basic facts would be a good starting point helpfully pointing out:
"She starts work in a Onion factory next week,Her hobbies include Bell RingingHer accent is a bit, well, Southern"
After Tattoo had indicated he was too scared by such details to dare to suggest anything and much deeply intellectually pondering of such matters by The Regulars Gobby felt she had found the solution:
"I've got it!!
"The Lady of Shallot' = the famous poem by Alfred, Lord Tennyson"
This seemed to go down famously with the lady in question who enthused:
"Cool! I like it, but it's not down to me?"
To which Gobby, true to form in a demure, shy and retiring way pointed out:
"NO!! It's down to me!!!!! That's settled then!!"
This did however, remarkably, stir a response from Billy Idle:
"Oh, aren’t we being authoritative!!! Lol.
Whatever happened to ideas on the table and discussion down The Local??"
Clearly tired of the unnecessary intervention to what had already been agreed by the female element of The Regulars and regretting having spurred the more commonly sloth-like Billy into a semi-conscious state before opening hours Gobby decided to pull rank announcing:
"Who decides?!?!
And I'm an only child so I expect my own way at all times and won't share."
Billy, who must have remarkably still been awake at this point retorted:
"Play nice with the other children!!!
Otherwise, you’ll never have any friends if you keep being peevish. Although that may be why you sit reading poems by Alfred, Lord Tennyson."
Undeterred by yet another slight on her character Gobby smugly reminded The Regulars:
"You will all be thanking me if it comes up on pub quiz this week..."
Mercifully at this point Rick Francis intervened having discovered a portrait in which the remarkable similarity could be observed...
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