A Hanging Offence

Gobby was particularly proud of her DIY skills in erecting a hanging rail to keep the bedroom tidy.

It would seem, however, that Billy Idle, on the other hand, had not quite yet grasped the concept of how to make best use of this.

Natural Selection

Despite being faced with the evidence and Billy Idle's best protestations, Gobby was not entirely convinced that the Rupies had broken into one of the selection boxes far earlier than permitted completely of their own accord.

Snow Chance

Whilst the Shire had indubitably seen some of the heaviest snowfall in many a year, the Regulars were not entirely convinced by The Dark Lord's alleged sightings:

A Touching Gift

As Billy Idle's birthday loomed and very limited supplies were making it through the Shire due to the snow Gobby was delighted when she happened upon the perfect gift as a token of her affection:

Snow Mean Feat

Gobby was under impressed with Billy Idle as he returned from work after a treacherous two hour trip through a blizzard that had made driving conditions so hazardous it had taken all his skill and concentration to photograph these whilst driving:

 

To make amends Billy promised to build a snow sculpture that would serve to impress her and make the most of the snowbound conditions in the Shire.

Unconvinced at first Gobby decided to give him  the benefit of the doubt as he set to work.

Work was progressing well until, due to a change in temperature, the head fell off leaving Gobby the proud owner of a garden sculpture of a giant snow cock:

However, defying all criticism, there was universal praise of Billy's final Snow Bear masterpiece.

Hair Today...

As Jordan rubbed her eyes in disbelief at seeing Billy Idle conscious and down town before noon Billy explained how his habitual slackness had led to the urgency of not sleeping past Billy Clip the Barber's opening hours for yet another week.

In subsequent discussions down the Local Tattoo declared he might,

"Have his hair dyed."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes pointed out,

"Yours died a long time ago."

Shirty

Gobby was delighted when, one day, Billy Idle took it upon himself to complete some household chores and wash his own T-shirt for once.

She should have realised that her reprieve would be but the briefest when seconds after emptying the wash basket he shouted upstairs room;

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

Eager to help and educate as ever Gobby began to lead him through  he process asking:

"It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

And immediately realised all hope of progress was futile on hearing his response of:

"Tottenham Hotspur!"

Coach Trip

The Regulars feared for the safety of the other passengers when Spudgirl announced she and Tubthumper would be taking in the delights of a holiday in Spain via a 2 day coach trip there and back from the Shire.

They breathed a sigh of relief, however, when the very worst to come out of said trip was merely 2 OAPs voted off and a particularly bad limerick:

There were two little old ladies from Kent

Who drove me crackers wherever we went

Rustling food wrappers while eating

And chattering while we were sleeping

I would have killed them if I was of that bent.

Over the Top

Marlene was having a bad day at the office:

Not only did she, through the recession, have more customers than she could serve, but the OAP special was not going down well with the residents of the Shire, most of whom fall into this category.

In exemplary customer relations fashion she declared that everyone over 65 should be shot.

Ol’ Blue Eyes, at a spritely 68 raised his eyebrows.

Seeing where this could lead, Billy Idle, in a valiant effort in trying to diffuse the situation,  proclaimed he could only dream of living long enough to sample the delights of her over 65s menu.

Sore Point

With her fervent desire to save the world and help her fellow man Gobby was delighted to have remembered the forthcoming blood donor session.

Imagine her abject horror in waking up to find her whole head had transformed into a festering cold sore from which no one would ever want a donation.

She was comforted and reassured by the Regulars as ever with Tattoo declaring:

"You could always have gone with a bag over your head."

Change of Use

As the Regulars lamented the lack of production at Bennett's Brewery and the reasons as to why this may be Gobby felt compelled to report, after a recent visit to the premises in question, that the Regulars had been entirely justified in their suspicions of potato pilfering (see Spudtheft) and the brewery was significantly altered since her last tour:

Lost Youth

As Tattoo reminisced once more regarding his misspent youth he wistfully lamented,

"I can remember when the girls used to chase me."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes brought him swiftly back to reality adding,

"I can remember when the police used to chase you."

Simple Soul

As Tubthumper struggled yet again to grasp the irony of Gobby's latest jape she felt she needed to comment, that he was,

"Quite simplistic when it came to humour."

A comment which Billy Idle swiftly amended to:

"You can retract the humour."

Sell-by Date

As Billy Idle tried once more to get to rectify the many and diverse issues preventing Hamish's computer from leading a normal healthy and happy life Hamish lamented that his,

"Online shopping had gone off by the time he finished ordering it."

Snug

Catching Gobby's eye some less than regular regulars called across letting her know they were in the snug.

She replied she would,

"Pop in on her way to the toilet."

To which the Regulars informed her,

"They're in the toilet - someone merely told them it was the snug."

Masterful

After previous months of unjustified ridicule from the Regulars Gobby finally felt vindicated when she was able to definitively prove the existence of GREEN Tabasco when it featured on none other than the BBC.

 Spudgirl did, however, reiterate the crux of the issue,

"But can you get it in Barton?"

To which Gobby did have to concede that this may be why Masterchef HQ has yet to be relocated from London to Barton.

Wiggle It - Just a Little Bit.

Time for another competition!

The winner being the one who can most closely identify what Billy Idle was actually doing. 

Post any suggestions as comments below!

Looking Good

As, one evening,  the Regulars decided to give Billy Idle's appearance the once over one of them was heard to declare,

"You have actually lost quite a bit of weight."

"Either that or your earring hole has got bigger."

And, as his choice of spectacles was complemented Billy added,

"I only got them for playing pool."

"With hindsight, I should really have got a cue."

Spudtheft

On receiving a flier through their doors the Regulars, despite their better judgment, could not help being suspicious that Spudgirl was in the process of some embezzlement using the ever unsuspecting Tubthumper as a fence:

A Rude Awakening

As Billy Idle pursued his tried and trusted method of dealing with house guests, namely sleeping through their visit so as not to have to participate, he was rudely awakened and forced to socialise.

He concluded,

"Suddenly there was a cold wet nose in my face. It was either their dog or Gobby but, either way, it was time to get up!."

Dummy

Gobby was not entirely prepared for the reply she received after a visit from one of her most child-bearing of friends in the following exchange:


"I just found that dummy down the back of one of our sofa cushions."

"That's no way to talk about Billy!"

Indian Summer

As the nights begin to draw in and normal Shire folk prepare for the clocks going back, clear their gardens and give them the last mow of the year Gobby could only marvel when Billy Idle returned home with the industrial strimmer they had required since moving in May.



























And she very much looked forward to stage 2: Outdoors

Smash

As the Regulars wended their way homeward bound at the end of the working day along the potato highways Gobby was alarmed to hear on national radio that their main arterial route had been untimely closed due to an incident.

Setting to to inform the other Regulars who have to bite the bullet and leave the Shire in the pursuit of gainful employment Gobby was beaten to it by a SPUDFLASH!

It would seem Spudgirl and her colleagues were wholly to blame for the delay:






















On hearing this Gobby, already snarled up on a previous 5 mile tailback on the M1, could not hold back in informing Spudgirl that,

'If I reach the front if this queue and find it is also potato-related you will be for the chop!' (or chip, roast or dauphinoise.)

In mitigation Spudgirl pointed out,

'All ours should be coming up the A1.'

But Gobby in her frustration felt it could be down to,

'The spud that got away!'
















As she covered the final stretches Gobby spotted another of the offending vehicles and (obviously whilst pulling over to where it was safe to do so) texted Spudgirl informing her,


"Just overtook one of your lorries. Gave it a WIDE berth."

But it was Hellrunner that summed up the incident declaring,

"It's a long time since I saw a smash like that!"

Cock

At the commencement of the new football season, in a rare moment of concession to Billy Idle's whims and foibles, Gobby declared:

"So, if Tottenham do win the league and you get that tattoo you've always wanted, I'll come with you have one of Rupert the Bear done on my arse."

It had to be said that, rather than being appreciative Billy wholeheartedly wasted such a rare window of opportunity and his chances of ever seeing the famous gamecock transposed onto his freckles were short-lived with his reply:





"And what will we call that one then - Wobbly Bear?"

Pearl Harbour

The Regulars were thoroughly enjoying a game of charades one evening until Gobby not only lowered the tone but all agreed that some cheating had occurred in her rendition of Pearl Harbour.






























Although the final outcome seemed to have similar results to the original military attack.

An Evening to Ponder

During a typical evening of non-sequiturious utterances down the Local, which, for the Regulars invariably constitutes said typical evening, the following were worthy of report:

"We were still born in 1969."

"You were still born?"




As Jordan lamented on never having met her fantasy Facebook friend, Orange Woman, she pondered,

"I think she's a myth."

At which Billy Idle enquired,

"She's not married, then?"



Discussing when one of their number had returned much the worse for wear from a beer-related event when Billy Idle had packed Gobby off home declaring that any attempt at communication with her that evening was,

'Like doing an autopsy on a live kangaroo'.

Gobby reminded him that he himself did not live in a glass house (no doubt to the great relief of the neighbours at undressing time) and he could not be held blameless on intoxicating outings, invariably losing or destroying some aspect of his personal belongings, this time being his mobile phone stylus.

However Hamish generous to a fault as ever and a legend in the embrace of new technologies came to the rescue declaring,

"I've got a spare stylus - plays all my 78s."













On hearing on the local news that someone had held up a Bookies in Leeds Hamish had to ask,

"What are the odds on that?"









Proceeding at an alarming rate towards, through and over to the dark side of middle age the Regulars reminisced about times gone by as Gobby mused,

"Do you remember when cash machines did fivers?"

Which produced a decidedly alarming revelation from Rick Francis who announced,

"I only had £8 in my account the other day so I went into the bank and asked the cashier if I gave her £2 could she give me a tenner so she did."

As the rest of the Regulars stared at him with obvious incredulity it took Rick some time to absorb the validity of their words as they had to iterate:

"Why didn't you just ask to take your £8 out?"

















Discussing the fineries of British cuisine the following query arose:

"Don't you find when you have a McDonald's for breakfast you have a big shit at lunchtime?

To which Billy Idle did counter with,

"No, I usually just get a sandwich from ASDA."




















As the conversation invariably turned to matters green with much under the table vegetable bartering Gobby wistfully commented that,

"My melons didn't grow this year."

To which Jordan pointed out,

"Nothing wrong with my melons!"



























Contorting on his bar stool Billy Idle declared,

"This shirt is smaller than it used to be!"

Pointing out the unlikelihood of this Gobby did have to gently enquire,

"Are you not just fatter?"

to which Billy did have to admit there was a strange correlation between,

"The more I eat, the more the washer shrinks my clothes."


















Tattoo lamented that in his youth,

"I had a big chopper"

Leading to replies of,

"What about your scooter?"

And,

"Well, you are black."


On talking to their aforementioned neighbours Jordan informed Gobby that,

"Jane had one of your problems tonight!"

Perhaps it would have been prudent to think before speaking but, unlikely to break the habit of a lifetime, Gobby enquired,

"Why, did you wet yourself?"

Jordan tried to smooth over this misconception explaining,

"No, she broke her bracelet playing with it."

But Gobby, now on a 'make friends and influence people roll' added,

"Were you having a fiddle?"

To the horror of the collective neighbours who protested,

"You can't ask that in public!"





And finally the Regulars rolled their eyes on hearing that Spudgirl and Tubthumper had planned ahead and filled their diary up until the 2012 Olympics.

In her defence Spudgirl declared,

"Apparently we're the organised Bennetts."

To which Billy Idle, with a wry smile corrected her pointing out,

"No apparently required."

Whose Line is it Anyway?!

Exhausted from recent protracted episodes, the Regulars found themselves reduced to an interim period of one-liners to recuperate.

But the question is - can true Barton Lives regulars identify which of the Regulars would have uttered the following?

Score yourselves out of 10.
Answers below but no premature scrolling!



A "I've lost my touch."
B "You had a touch?!"

C "I learnt to ride on a Shetland Pony."
D "It was a stallion when she started!"

E "Oi, Ghandi, shut it!"

F "Never have a lock-in with a retired Gentleman!"

G "Why is the park so much more scary when you're not pissed?"

H "It's your juices that are causing havoc!"

I "I only had one shower on the boat, under duress."
J "They're the best sort of showers!"












Answers:


A Billy Idle

B Ol' Blue Eyes

C Jordan

D Hamish

E Marlene - to Tattoo

F Ol' Blue Eyes

G Rick Francis

H Tubthumper - to Spudgirl.

I Billy Idle

J Rick Francis

Ahoy

After months of careful planning by Captain Tubthumper and First Mate Spudgirl , and none by the rest of the Regulars, a very Motley Crew finally took to the canals.






















 

 

 

It was indeed unlikely that any of them could ride a horse never mind a boat.


Once aboard the Captain and First Mate attended essential safety briefings and instructions while the rest of the Crew hid down below with the kettle.


However this luxury was short-lived as Captain Tubthumper soon had his Crew in hand.














Leading to unprecedented levels of cooperation and concentration.














Notwithstanding, First Mate Spudgirl, in her inimitable people-friendly way made sure nobody dared get in their way once under steam and rallied the troops on land.




















 

 

The Crew was amazed to see an unprecedented display of boatworthy action from Billy Idle.























Although, such effort soon left him exhausted.

















It could be said that the Captain did become somewhat overconfident in his Crew's abilities and the level of supervision required.

But at least Rupert was paying attention unlike Billy Idle when momentarily left in charge.

There was delight midway through the trip when Billy realised where they were and what they were doing.

As the pressure built First Mate Spudgirl displayed ler superhuman canal related powers.

Whilst Gobby felt her part in the proceedings to be purely decorative.

Captain Tubthumper was always on hand to train up new shipmates, even though willing recruits became thinner on the ground as the week wore on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Billy and Gobby were delighted with the level of home comforts.

 

And, safely returned after a splendid week with no falling in or out, the Crew were welcomed back down the Local with open arms.

Big Girl Birthday

Gobby was delighted when, on finally reaching the big 4 - 0 the Regulars were there to celebrate with her exactly in the style she had hoped for down the Local.


























As the evening wore on reinforcements arrived; slightly the worse for wear themselves but nevertheless very welcome.

















Gobby was reassured to know that Billy Idle would always be there to protect her in life unless utterly terrified by birthday cakes.



























Although she was not wholly convinced that Marlene's best wishes on delivering said cake were entirely sincere.


















As Gobby proceeded to cut the cake Ol' Blue Eyes exclaimed with horror,

"You're letting her have a knife?!"

To which Billy countered,

"They don't call her the Barton slasher for nothing,"

Adding ,

"And not just when she p*sses herself!"




This was followed by calls of,


"Speech!"

However when Gobby reminded them,

"But when am I not making a speech?"

The Regulars consulted amongst themselves and reconsidered deciding,

Ok, then, try a silence!



And as the cake was divided and devoured Ol' Blue Eyes proclaimed,

"Don't even pretend you can't swallow that!"






















And Gobby devised an invention worth of the Dragons' Den for keeping your tits perky past 40.




























As with any new invention, however, there would always be drawbacks as Gobby discovered declaring,

"I need to go to the toilet but I'm not sure I'll get my balloons in there."


To which Jordan lamented,

"I have that trouble every night!"

And weighing up Gobby's invention added,

"I think I would need bigger balloons."

More to the point Gobby pointed out,

"I think we would need a bigger pub!"


Finally, as the evening drew to a close, just when one would have failed to believe the merriment could be surpassed, Billy and Marlene decidedly took theis to the next level with their Karate Kid tribute to round off the perfect celebration.