Slippery Slope

On a seemingly normal and innocent night predictability failing to win anything at pub quiz down The Local, Gobby realised her fellow team-mates may not be quite as focussed on pondering a question of the intricacies of a monopoly board as she was when, wholly unprovoked, Spudgirl suddenly declared to Tubthumper:

"We need some lubrication because it just ain't working!"

Worse Fates than Immingham Dock

In a bid to encourage Hamish to give his latest place of employment a probation period that wouldn't need recording with a stopwatch the Regulars judiciously pointed out that there were many places of employment worse than the opulence of Immingham dock.

Indeed, should the dark clouds gather once more Hamish should always think of those less fortunate than himself and take solace that he is not a Director of the Iowa Grocery Industry Association.

http://www.iowagrocers.com/boardofdirectors.cfm

(Too) Many Happy Returns

Always supportive and benevolent The Regulars, with a lovingly created birthday card, were delighted to celebrate Tattoo's special day with him.

And previously by the looks of things:

Anarchy for The Shire

It would seem that, in the harsh reality of 21st century Britain, that nowhere, not even the oblivious innocence of The Shire is safe from the signs of trouble in our time and the general dissatisfaction and unrest in today's society, even encroaching on the traditionally harmonious and peaceful gatherings of Billy Idle's karaoke parties.

Whilst the evening started harmlessly enough with an innocent brother sister performance that would make any parent proud:



Events soon began to take a more unpleasant turn with Spudgirl appalled to see that, in her absence, Hamish had chosen to 2 time her with a Swedish librarian:

This was soon followed up by a performance of an ilk previously unknown to the simple folk of The Shire:

Which would lead to a dangerous level of curiosity and impending doom:

And before they had time to realise the hideous truth that was unfurling before their eyes the heinous nature of the indoctrination by the master of his new apprentice took on a frightening form:

However, anarchy on such a scale, in a place wholly unused to this such as The Shire could only, inevitably, lead to one predictable self destructive end:

And only the unfaltering good nature of Rick Francis and the Manic Miner brought an end to the frightening proceedings and saved the day:

Martyred for her Cause

Gobby was exuberant with confidence at the following question at pub quiz down The Local:

"Name the group of six 19th Century farm labourers who were arrested for and convicted of swearing a secret oath and sentenced to transportation to Australia."

She was, notwithstanding, wholly unprepared for the scorn and ridicule heaped upon her by the rest of her fellow Regulars at her seemingly logical and obvious suggestion.

Cowed into silence in a corner it did however become apparent at answer time that perhaps the rest of the Regulars had been somewhat quick to dismiss her valid suggestion and as their following array of suggestions were dismissed one by one,

THE BOURNEMOUTH GANG

THE POOLE PRISONERS

THE WEYMOUTH FIVE

NATIONAL FARMERS UNION

THE DORSET 5

That perhaps her suggestion of "THE TOLPUDDLE MARTYRS" was, in fact, nowhere near as ridiculous as initially judged.

Alphabetically Challenged

After quaffing a splendid range of beers at Leeds beer festival culminating with an impressive offering from Ossett brewery Gobby felt her enjoyment could not be improved.

This was, however until a fellow enthusiast recommended an ale in which she would delight from the bar 'upstairs'.

Whilst consumed with excitement at the fact that more delectation was to be had 'upstairs' Gobby felt the need the protest at not having been made aware of this sooner.

To which her beer anorak friends felt duty bound to point out that, with her years of language training, she should perhaps have been aware that the alphabet is not generally known to stop with O for Ossett.

Or, failing that, she could have just looked up:

Hamish visits the Homeland

It would seem that even the land from whence he hails, where common courtesy is about as common as fair weather, health food and the milk of human kindness, was unprepared for Hamish's latest foray:

A Feat of Engineering

In sheer panic Billy desperately grappled with the quandary of readying himself for bed without disaster befalling his nightime cornetto until, by a stroke of genius and feat of engineering, the solution came to him in a genius flash of inspiration proving that necessity truly is the mother of invention.

Pastures New - Again

Just as the Regulars could not help but wonder as to what had caused the usually dour, miserable and miserly Hamish to have a spring in his step he announced that, once again, he had secured yet a further employ announcing:


"Got new job. Start when I like. William Hill now taking bets for how long I can stop there. 10 years is a google-1.Well worth 50p!


Whilst congratulations broke out amongst The Regulars, hedging his bets Tattoo did feel the need to ask:



"Applied for another yet, mate?"

Maintenance

As she stood with a pile of documents in desperate need or reproduction Gobby was unsure as to whether the 'Maintenance in Progress' on the works photocopier was a true representation of the matter in hand feeling the only true way to be sure was to consult an expert in the technological field therefore bringing photographic evidence for Hamish to cast his capable and sophisticated technological eye over.

True to form Hamish was soon able to confidently tell her that it was 'fooked'.

Potty

Towards the end of the working day Gobby pondered the text received from Spudgirl:

"Do you need any baking pots?"

Having witnessed the work in progress, and attractive skip in the front garden and the journey of trauma experienced by Spudgirl and Tubthumper through their kitchen renovation Gobby was pleased to be offered first refusal on Spudgirl's surplus kitchenware, keenly replying,

"I could have a look."

She was indeed a little unprepared by the somewhat terse nature of the reply from the customarily eternally cheerful most philanthropic all-welcoming ray of sunshine that the Regulars has come to know and love as Spudgirl:

"Well, it's up to you - just throw them away if not."

Tormented as to what she could have unwittingly done to evoke this wrath in one normally so meek and serene in demeanour Gobby frantically endeavoured to make amends adding,

"Or I could take them to the nearly new."

To which Spudgirl was lost for words and reduced to terms of derision amounting to,

"DOH!"

Followed up by,

"I WORK IN A F**CKING POTATO FACTORY."

At this point Gobby became concerned that the true realisation of her lot in life since leaving the bright lights and white stilettos for the exile of the Shire had only just broken through the layers of denial.

All eventually became clear.

Unused to shorthand and such technical language as used in a F**CKING POTATO FACTORY it would seem that Gobby had committed a fatal error of abbreviation interpretation and, in fact, Spudgirl was not offering her a collection of redundant kitchen vessels and receptacles but, in reality, a free bag of BAKING POTATOES for Billy's tea.

Billy's Buttocks Play up Again

After dedication to work far above his usual slothfulness never mind the call of duty, Billy decided to call his boss one morning to tell him that he was staying at home because he was, unfortunately, under the weather (not to mention the duvet).

Deeply concerned at this being so out of character his boss needed to know the matter at hand.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma,"
groaned Billy in a weak voice.

Slightly less sympathetically his boss retorted,

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

So Billy carefully explained,



"I just can't see my arse coming into work today."

Stuck

It would seem that, yet again, his unfortunate combination of Tourettes & a complete inability to operate even the simplest of technological equipment had gained Hamish yet another warning at work.


Although he vehemently maintained that all he had done was inadvertently drop his pen into the printer.

Pensionable Pleasure

On the receipt of his bus-pass, Robin Get mused over his new life-status pointing out,


"Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife, Imelda and I went to the seaside to visit the family and went into a shoe shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes (unbelievably!). When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,

"Come on man, how about giving us senior citizens a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

Taking Sides

After another lamentable performance at Pub Quiz down The Local, the Regulars felt somewhat thwarted that their answer to the question "Name the 2 rival sides in the TV series The Last Salute" was not accepted as, surely it was clear to all and sundry that, in place of the correct answer of RAC & AA, they had merely made a simple spelling error in writing RUC & IRA.

Crime Prevention

As Gobby lamented the loss of her prize possession, her trusty old faithful bike, lovingly maintained since her teenage years, and last seen disappearing down the market place from outside the supermarket at the hands of some chav scum, her grief and shame was only compounded by the solemn lecture she received from Zig & Zag who, with their collective age of 5, expained in no uncertain terms, the importance of


LOCK BIKE, LOCK BIKE, LOCK BIKE, GOBBY!!!!!!

Did the Earth Move?

After the horrific news reports of the past week Evil Twin could not hide her concern for Gobby, Billy and the rest of the Regulars after their near-death earthquake experience exclaiming:

"Cannot BELIEVE that people would think that nothing ever happens in The Shire......"

Moreover, deeply concerned as to how the Regulars would cope in the aftermath of the disaster suggested:

"Hows about a multiple choice quiz to raise funds for 'disaster relief' You could charge people a quid to answer the following:"

"What do you think caused the earthquake in The Shire???"

a) Billy let one rip after last night's curry......................

b) Gobby was having passionate unabandoned sex and fell out of bed damaging herself badly, getting taken to hospital with cracked ribs and getting MRSA and winning £5million a la Leslie Ash................

c) it was caused by the stampede of Regulars finally forced out of The Local at 1am............

All joking aside it was clear that Evil Twin had been very moved by the plight of the good people of the Shire sending the following words of comfort:

Dear all,

Not often I send these types of things out but with the earthquake this week it really makes you think...

With all the news on TV lately about the hurricanes that America is experiencing, the typhoons in China, flooding in Switzerland and recent mud slides in South America, we shouldn't forget that the UK has its share of devastating natural disasters too.

Attached is a photo illustrating the damage caused to my home from the earthquake that occured.

It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.

Do take care of yourselves and be safe.

Best regards,

Evil Twin x

Swearing at Work

The Regulars were deeply concerned that Hamish may be on his way to yet another new place of employ (should there be any fork-lift truck establishments left untouched by his hand in The Shire) after he let slip a memo he had recently received from his boss:

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Hamish's Challenge

Whilst The Regulars marvelled at Hamish's staying power and determination in his bid to give up the dreaded weed, they felt they had to break it to him that it may take slightly more than that for him to give up the world of fork lift maintenance once and for all and take up his dream job of being a lumberjack.

Hamish's Retreat

With one of their members noticeably absent at the weekend The Regulars mused over Hamish's rehab progress at his special retreat which, to spare his feelings, they pretend to believe actually is 'Butlins' (see June 2007: Quick Learner).

They were all pleased to receive communication from him of the success of his most recent spell at 'Butlins':



"Hi folks, got back from 'Butlins' o.k. Great bands, loads of beer, only one attack of tourettes and great views from accommodation?"

At which Tattoo was only too pleased to praise Hamish on his progress and encourage further development,


"Obviously cut the branches off the tree, to stop you climbing up to look in the opposite bedroom window. "

"You perv."



Thankfully Hamish never goes on a weekend to 'Butlins' without taking suitable precautions should he 'get lucky' reassuring the rest of The Regulars,

"Didn't work, I had binoculars!"

Secret Passwords

Whilst avidly keeping abreast of the fast-paced world of Barton Lives Evil Twin was intrigued by last month's episode "Greater forces at Work" and the memories that ONION brought flooding back.


By her own admission:

"Having lapsed my Fatclub membership the minute I got into my frock and unable to go to the class and ask this:"

Evil Twin turned to the trustworthy, knowledgeable and infinitely dependable Regulars to see if they could shed light on her predicament, continuing:

"When I was there, the password was always something like:"

LENTIL.........CHICKEN..........VEGETABLE...........GRAPEFRUIT.............DUST............

and I thought..... do they ever have passwords such as:

LARD.............BLACK PUDDING.............BIG MAC.................PORK SCRATCHINGS..............????

Concluding,

"If not, they should. We would remember them a whole lot better."

Words of Comfort

After coming to terms with failing to secure a position that could not have been more tailor-made for her had she written the job description herself, slept with the interview panel and had the rest of the candidates consisted of the cast of Fraggle Rock, Gobby had managed to reach a philosophical stance on the proceedings just as Billy Idle returned home.

Indeed, it could be said that so successful had she been in her powers of self-counselling that Billy's additional words of solace, complete with his self-gratification of his own interview success ratio could have been left unsaid. Especially once they had been.


"Do you go into an interview as yourself?"

"You see, that could be where your problem lies."


Proving the point that, as Billy so proudly pointed out, it is indeed not his interview skills that are lacking.

The Simple Pleasures in Life

Always one to look on the bright side, Gobby felt that the adverse weather conditions of late and the ensuing technical interruption of their usual social interaction of 24 hour wall to wall television whilst awake, asleep or copulating, could only serve to deepen and enhance her relationship with Billy Idle.

It was clear that Billy too had considered this eventuality:

When the situation arose again during the crucial moments of what turned out to be Billy's beloved Tottenham's first win over Arsenal for 17 years, Gobby, 'spurred' on by this recent experience, ducked to avoid the suddenly airborne remote control, took refuge upstairs, and knowing Billy's poor maintenance record and inability to ever learn from previous mistakes or life experiences, risked life and limb, being short of stature (see Dorf the Dwarf - October 2007) and, perched on the toilet seat and at full stretch, (admittedly an unimpressive extent) cleaned the Sky dish with a bathroom towel.

The result of this feat of bravery (taking strength from the mighty Tottenham's motto 'Audere est facere' - 'To Dare Is To Do') and general advised cleaning and maintenance alleviated all threat of 'technical fault' plus Billy's impending infarction and the clever/dumb life balance in the household was, thankfully, restored.

Up North

After much sulking and berating Gobby's lack of CD player and his inability to subject all passengers to constant bombardment by the musical phenomenon that is 'The Lancashire Hotpots' on the journey to his homeland, Billy Idle, Spudgirl and Tubthumper shoehorned themselves into Gobby's (aka Dorf the Dwarf - see October 2007) unfeasibly small vehicle for the purpose as they set off across the Pennines for much beery merriment at the Manchester Winter Ales Festival.

Although secretly pleased at being spared the lyrical wonderment of "Chippy Tea" it transpired that this mirth was to be short-lived as Gobby & Billy made the fatal error of delegating Spudgirl and Tubthumper to purchase beer absorbing sustenance for them all only to find them cowering in a corner of the canteen claiming,

"There's a menu up there but it's all in northern!!"

However, after many more pints were consumed all such north-south divide barriers were broken down with the fabulous four stumbling back to the hotel singing,

"Bitter, Lager, Cider, Ale Stout

Designer drinks, I'd rather drink nowt!

You can keep your white wine spritzer

Babycham, that's for your sister

Order that in Lancashire, son, and you're out!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_MZUI8ap_M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZo6qsJ5MZ0&NR=1

Greater Forces at Work

Just as it would seem that things had started to look up down the Onion Factory for Spudgirl, events took a much more sinister turn.


After months of insider dealing and her ensuing delight on finally,

"Relinquishing onions to concentrate solely on potatoes" (see October 2007) Spudgirl now began to realise that there are, in the Shire, greater forces at work, all is never what it seems and once a trusted employee of 'Yorkshire Onions Ltd.' you can never, ever leave. Never again will Spudgirl queue up for her weekly fatclub password without looking over her shoulder.













After all, have you never read John Grisham's 'The Firm'?

.

Billy & the Old Bill

If there were one of The Regulars whose life would benefit immensely from a New Year Resolution it would for Billy Idle to learn from the folly of his life-long procrastination:

Let us see, dear readers, if you can spot:

A) How Billy could have avoided all of the following situations

and

B) The answer in the particularly challenging multiple choice quiz that he gave to the Old Bill as opposed to the ones he gave Gobby every time she tried and failed to point out the error of his slothsome ways:

So, on a particularly damp, dark winter morning the Old Bill pull Billy Idle over on his daily commute through the Shire:

Question 1

Do you realise, sir, that one of your headlights is not working?

A) It will be summer soon and I won't need it.

B) I cannot apologise enough and was not aware it needed replacing.

Question 2

Do you realise your tax disc is out of date?

A) I cannot apologise enough and was not aware it needed replacing.

B) Tax, insurance, MOT? I only ever have 2 of the 3.

Question 3

As you do not have your driving licence on you can you please produce it at the station within the next 14 days?

A) Of course, it will be the first thing I do after finishing work for the week.

B) F*ck me, therein lies another issue as it states my home address as Lancashire despite having lived in the Shire for the past 6 years for which there is a fine of up to £1000 for incorrect address details, how can I get out of this one?

Further rummaging though Billy's dusty post pile did indeed reveal a tax disc renewal form and a driver's licence replacement form. When questioned about the latter Billy was heard to indignantly claim:

"I don't like the photos I had done for it - I look a touch stupid.

Now how could anything ever learned about Billy ever make anyone believe that?!

A New Year beckons in The Potato Shire

The Regulars, with unerring predictability greeted yet another new year down The Local (although, thankfully this year the only 'balls' of note were Billy's 'Great Balls of Fire' (and he says he's not ginger!) that he chose to sing about rather than previous years when Robbin' Get and Tattoo's plums have been frighteningly visible.)

So, what excitement and frenzied activity could 2008 bring to The Regulars at the cutting edge of society?



Will Spudgirl find the executive position of her dreams in one of her 'brief moments between potatoes'?

How many positions of employment can Hamish jeopardise due to the unpredictibility of his Tourette's outbursts?

Will Gobby convince Billy Idle of the error of his misguided claim and that, in fact "a Belly IS just for Christmas and NOT for life"?

Will Rick Francis and Pocahonantas be able to regain custody of their marital home from the giant toy box patrolled by jeeps under Zig & Zag's control that it has become since that fated Christmas morn?

Will Tattoo ever grow that elusive ponytail?



All will, as ever, only be revealed on the pages of BARTON LIVES...

Pulling out All the Stops

After the all round success of "Pillow-Soft Shit-Be-Gone" Gobby could hardly contain her delight on spying (and purloining) a bottle of the latest must-have toilet product from a highly salubrious work Water Closet, fairly running home from work and bursting into the house to see for herself the magical properties of...

Mr Shifter!!!

A Cunning Plan...

Applying all his many years of education, knowledge gathering and scientific and systematic approach to the hazardous chemical environment in which he is brave enough to work on a daily basis Tubthumper could see the benefit of using such transferrable skills to aid him in his master plan for world domination of quiz night.

Even before cranking their collective intellect into gear to attempt to answer the high-brow questions of The Local's "Noughts and Crosses Bingo Quiz" The Regulars often struggle initially to find the numerically challenging correct box to fill in.

Undeterred and on a fast-track to a fortune Tubthumper devised a cunning system by which he would blaze a trail of stellar intellect and ingenuity by, cunningly, obliterating the difficult to identify question number thus speeding up his quiz-answering time exponentially with each subsequent question leaving the rest of the Regulars to flounder in his powerful wake.

Until, of course, it came to the randomly generated numerical marking of said quiz:

And just ask Spudgirl what a bad loser he can be...

There's a Guy Works down the Rubber Plant Swears He's Elvis...

The Regulars exceeded all festive expectations in managing not only one but 2 of the obligatory 'karaoke fests', the pièce de resistance of which being managing to actually hold one of them down The Local for all unsuspecting good folk of Barton to witness.

It would seem that Rick Francis, not content solely to eminate and immortalise the Mighty Quo, had his sights set on the King himself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmKaKlc5WTY

And if that weren't enough it would seem that Ol' Blue Eyes himself too was suffering from a similar schizophrenic disorder: