Mystery Guest

Although she couldn't quite put her finger on it, Gobby felt you could always tell when Spudgirl had popped round for a cuppa.

The end of an Era?

It would seem that the unthinkable, abandoning the Local for one that could actually be relied on to serve that seemingly scarce commodity known as 'DRINK', was actually about to occur.

After multitudinous rants and laments over the demise of the Local, Spudgirl analysed the current position, both literally and figuratively, issuing the decree:

"It is with great interest that we have noted your comments about the Volts. As you know, I have, for some time, been a little less than satisfied with the Vodka availability. My husband is not usually so discerning* but has also been disappointed with the range and standard of the beer. Although we have no major issue with the landlord at the present time, we agree that the situation has not been the best.

If it is acceptable to the majority, my husband and I would like to join you good folk at a 'New Venue' on our return from across the sea.

Kind regards (in the hope that the above has improved Tattoo's mood slightly after his rant)."

Spudgirl & Tubthumper


Having reached this level of arbitration, whilst some of their number braved the high seas, (not to mention Tweety & Thrush), the remaining Regulars took their first steps into the unknown reporting back forthwith that they had their accomplished this initial foray seemingly unscathed:

"Was welcomed quite warmly by the landlady, who only asked us to watch our language, to which Hamish replied, "what if you have Tourettes?" Nearly spat my beer all over her.

That would have been a good start."

It was, therefore, with much trepidation and anticipation that the remaining Regulars readied themselves pastures new (and, to Billy Idle's immeasurable consternation, an extra 5 minute's walk.)



Meanwhile, down the Local, (sniff) the current incumbents had posted signs requesting guest beer choices for the coming months, to which the Regulars had helpfully added,

'Any beer would be a start.'

and

'Anything other than crap lager'.

*For 'not so discerning read: has been witnessed drinking the dregs of abandoned vessels found in dirty corners of many a pub. A practice he fondly refers to as 'minesweeping'.

Ups & Downs

After a overly well fed and well watered weekend away Gobby commented on the fact that Billy Idle may have gained a pound or two.

Billy attempted to appease her with regard to this by stating,

"But I told you it went in peaks and troughs."

Leaving Gobby to wonder if they would stay together long enough to ever see a trough.

Safety in Numbers

"Unlikely that the evil Rupert Kidnapper can sneak them all out unnoticed this time," mused Gobby.

Give up Eventually and Get Someone Else to Do It

As the kitchen fitters (or saviours sent from the Lord as Gobby liked to think of them) arrived, and as she mused over no longer having to keep cutlery on the worktop in a desk tidy pen holder due to circumstances that had been beyond her control for well over a year; Gobby hardly dared to believe she would no longer, on entering the kitchen, be confronted by the sorry sights of Billy Idle's woeful lack of DIY:

However, and quite incredibly, on returning home for the weekend, generally spent in his unerring devotion to DNY, Do Nothing Yourself, Billy Idle, as if thwarted by some higher power and in a somewhat wounded manner declared,

"I was going to mend that drawer this weekend as well!"

Halloween

After a terrifying haranguing by the Trick or Treaters of Caistor Road (on the one evening of the year they feel comfortable showing themselves) then running the gauntlet to the Local not daring to look back, it was a wild eyed Billy Idle & Gobby that threw themselves at the bar on Halloween.

Both out of breath (Gobby from fear and Billy from a rare bout of physical exertion) Billy finally managed to gasp to the bar staff,

"She wants Hobgoblin."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes, with a twinkle added,

"I bet she does!"

Following this up with the comment that he hadn't had a single trick or treater darken his door this year to which the Regulars were about to ask his secret when he continued;

"Maybe it's since I murdered that kid last year!"

Nuts

It was a somewhat surreal quiz night down the Local, and the Regulars could only muse as to what might have occurred during the proceedings compelling Gobby to declare loudly at an unfortunately quiet lull in the proceedings:

"I've still got a lid on my nipple!"

Much to the amusement of the local undercover CID, often found staking out a corner of the Local with a quiz sheet.

However, she managed to salvage the situation and restore an air of calm and decorum with the addendum:

"At least you didn't try to shove novelty snakes up me."

And all returned to that degree of stability and normality peculiar only to the Local itself.





Should anyone still be confused, needless to say, the Frogs with Red Scarves, those unfailingly and relentlessly jovial resident scousers, using an underhand bid to gain an advantage over their quiz rivals, had offered Gobby some nuts:

Steaming

As a keen group of Regulars set off for a Saturday's incomparable beery fun Gobby realised, all too late, that she was somewhat short of pecuniary funds and some emergency measures needed to be brought into play.

Although she was slightly disappointed and unable to comprehend why her endeavours raised only a measly 20p.












"Spare some change for a beer!"












On arriving at the station Tubthumper became very excited at the prospect of being able to sit on Santa's knee,








However, as it was only October the Regulars were dubious as to this but, in an effort to assuage his disappointment, Gobby may have given Tubthumper more to chew over than he bargained for when, on seeing the Station Master, encouragingly pointed out:

"He looks as if he could pull off a Santa."


Meanwhile, a somewhat disgruntled Spudgirl reluctantly obeyed the station signage, trudging off so as not to taint the air:












Unlike a single other member of the public and whilst the rest of the Regulars waited for her on the platform enveloped in a blanket of steam and smoke.




After much beer and pies and steam power the Regulars were in need of their relief on arriving at their destination, although were somewhat taken aback by the basic nature of the facilities:

























They were also somewhat underprepared for the popularity of the venue and the beer queues although felt that Billy Idle has somewhat misunderstood the ethos of the event when he declared:

"There would be a lot more room if they got rid of these trains..."












All too soon it was time to make tracks for the Local. Although, admittedly there was a point where the Regulars thought they might not make it safely home when, whilst having safely boarded the train at Leeds and on the way to Doncaster, Gobby, somewhat the worse for beer declared,

"It's not far to Leeds on this one."

However they were soon back safely in the fold of the Local after a whole day on the beer, ready to regale the rest of the Regulars with their experiences and photos whether they appreciated this or not.

Food for Thought

Down the Local at the weekend Billy Idle was understandably outspoken in his reaction to finding a dead fly in his pint.

Not nearly as much as Ol' Blue Eyes, however, who declared,

"I thought they'd stopped doing food!"

Care in the Community

Whilst discussing their homelife down the Local, the Regulars marvelled as Billy Idle could almost be seen to pay Gobby a compliment in her dealings with his (many) daily needs.

Although she was not entirely sure whether to be flattered by the comment,


"It's a fine line between girlfriend and carer, but you're quite good at both!"

Short (wing)span of Attention

Gobby was made to realise all too well that a lack of focus down the Local could lead to a serious inability to follow the intricacies of the conversation in hand.

She soon came to rue a momentary failure to concentrate as the Regulars debated the Pirates of the Caribbean and the fact that Johnny Depp was reported to have based the character of Captain Jack Sparrow on Keith Richards.

In all truthfulness she wholly wished she could have retracted her interjection of,






"Is that him with Orville?!"

Not So Light Reading

It would seem that after their well-publicised exploits, the little Rupies' big burley Northern Cousins felt the need to join in the debate and point out how close they had come to never returning home again.





















Either that or Evil Twin, one of Barton Lives' most dedicated fans, will stop at nothing to advertise her husband's latest book.

"priced at £12.99 and available from Waterstones, WHSmith, Amazon, Tesco online etc etc etc......."

Gobby felt, after such blatant advertising, that all proceeds from sales in North Lincolnshire should be put towards the 'Save the Local' fund!

Trim

Whilst chatting online with chums not fortunate enough to live within the Shire, one of these enquired as to whether Billy Idle had been making good use of his waist-trimming exercise gift bequeathed to him on her last visit.







Billy replied that, with his pressing schedule, he only been able to make occasional use of said item as he had,



"Been busy being fat".

Stunning

After much discussion, and with reluctance, the Regulars felt they had no other option but to gently break it to Gobby that her favourite pastime of Beer Festivals may not necessarily be her best look:

Advance Party (no, don't get excited...)

Still unsure as to what to expect as the ongoing saga of the Local continued the Regulars decided to send a scout ahead on a reconnaissance mission before braving the beer, should there be any.

After some discussion they decided to send one of their more intrepid and well travelled number, capable of handling such a task:

A Dangerous Combination

Not always brimming over with the milk of human kindness and generosity, Hamish, on this occasion, felt the need to perform his civic duty for the good of one of the Regulars:

"There I was sitting reading the paper on a well earned, few and far between tea break, when an article of grave concern caught my eye.

I felt it was my loyal duty to pass this on to a dear friend of mine, nay, ours.

I summarise:

Scientists have discovered (how and why I'm not sure,) that if males consume excessive amounts of peanuts and coffee, they grow BREASTS.

So that's where they come from! And I thought it was from lack of excercise, fatty foods and beer.

Regards, Hamish."

How long would it take the Regulars to deduce as to whom Hamish was alluding?

Would they indeed need a clue?

All Change

As the Regulars steel themselves once more for yet another rite of passage down the Local they will endeavour to be supportive and understanding with their metaphorical glasses half full.

Notwithstanding, the fact that the new barman was clueless as to how to extract vodka from the optics soon made them wonder as to how soon those glasses would empty.

Essex Girls

The Regulars were rather taken aback by the audacity and recklessness of Tubthumper as he sent round some humorous "Essex Girls" jokes along the lines of:

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her.
'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl,
'There's hundreds of them!'

Never having witnessed such bravery in the face of his better half they were not sure that his paltry small print disclaimer would be enough to appease Spudgirl on receipt of the aforementioned:

"Please be careful of any comments you wish to make. Need I remind you my lovely wife is from Essex?

However, before such a display of manhood was blown out of all proportion and the testosterone-fuelled slaps on the back down the Local became unbearable, Gobby also paid heed to the small print and felt the need to set the record straight:

"In reality, you are clearly so scared of said lovely Essex girl wife that you are still using her old email rather than her new one of some months previous so that she does not actually pick up on big brave boy email whilst we are duped into thinking you could ever be that daring!"

Enlightening

On returning home alone to a street plunged into darkness Gobby contacted the Regulars to ascertain the extent of the problem, crucially as to whether the Local had a source of power for the imminent Pub Quiz.

Spudgirl confirmed that they too were without light although had surmised it was merely due to Billy Idle returning home and turning all his appliances on simultaneously thus blowing Barton's entire grid supply.

Gobby iterated that she was home alone to which Spudgirl showed genuine concern for her safety and welfare and urged her to join them and share a candle and for safety in numbers.

Heartened by Spudgirl's apprehension Gobby promised to do so forthwith but explained she had no option but to risk having a bath in the pitch blackness beforehand.

It was at this juncture that Gobby became somewhat less appreciative of Spudgirl's concern and, when asked,

"Do you have enough torches?"

Did feel the need to defend herself with the reply,

"How fat do you think I am?!"

Wake-up Call

The Regulars had often warned Billy Idle about his dangerous ability to snooze through all alarm calls by the use of his lightning quick 'viper arm'.

It would now appear he should have heeded these wake-up calls before it was too late.

ESCAPE

Gobby was not sure what to expect on receiving an anonymous text message demanding she be down The Local at a designated time that evening.

She was equally apprehensive on being handed a suspicious package on arrival:
















Onc opened, the plight of the poor Rupies was quickly revealed- they were baked alive in a pie - as Hamish had predicted.

Although a glimmer of hope remained as it seem that the Rupies may have survived the gas chamber and written a rescue message on top of said pie:

















Just as Gobby could bear the tension no longer a sound emerged from within the pie leading to a valient ESCAPE!
















A joyous homecoming scene quickly followed and, once safely reunited, the Rupies vowed never to leave the bed again.

Much like their father.

Escapades

Gobby began to wonder as to just how much suffering the Rupies were actually enduring as their kidnap continues as, from the latest updates from Rupert Kidnapper, they did seem to be engaged in something suspiciously akin to sightseeing.


"My god where are we now?? I think I've seen that big tower somewhere before......."








"Well we got to the top and he didn't throw us off! No way are we jumping its much too high!"








"Let us ponder a while on how best to make our escape..."








"After a hot date with the Mona Lisa the Rupees decided to go for a drink....its a very long way round this museum..........."









"In the outside air and immediate thoughts of escape forgotten the Ruppees pose for a memorable snap of their travels...."







"Up at the grand arch the ruppees are glad they aren't buried underneath it...it was too windy to go up there so the kidnapper promised they'd make tracks for home!!"







Gobby was not only relieved to see them safe and sound in Gay Paris but markedly so in that she had in fact won her bet down The Local as to where they would appear next and did not now have to buy a round for all The Regulars.

The Plot Thickens...

Despite the allusions to conspiracy by the Regulars as to the dastardly kidnap of the Rupies it would seem that Gobby and Billy had been both too hasty to judge some and to trust others as it transpired that their babies were no longer in the country.

Indeed perchance they should have looked closer to home in their suspicions as further details began to emerge:



"Oh no its dark and we don't know where we are!! But we have managed to escape the evil clutches of the kidnapper!!"





"We tried to call for help but it's all Greek to us!!"






"The view from the room looks nice but it's too far to jump, we will have to bed down for the night!!"





"Things don't look good he's missing heather and desperate, who knows what he'll do.....
And look at the way I'm strewn on this chair!!"






"Looks like little Rupert is fairing slightly better, thank God it's not Garry Glitter!! Paul has offered a decent ransom of FIVE shekels no less!





After escaping from the scary clutches of Paul McCartney Big Rupert manages to find a bird -







"He says " she's so much better looking than Billy, I know who I want to sleep with.....
go home...
you must be kidding!"






Meanwhile Rupert Kidnapper considers how good a Rupies pie will taste.........................!!!!




In a rare moment of weakness the kidnapper thought about letting the Ruperts go home...............
unfortunately there was one small problem with the transport!!





Rupie tries to call home, but it seems he's not sure exactly where he is......Prague, Amsterdam.....who knows!!! Some strange Dutch porn star has propositioned me.....maybe I'll stick around.





"It seems that in order to secure safe transport home Rupert is having to resort to Brute strength to twist the drivers arm...............will he ever get home if he loses???????"



Not only was Gobby unconvinced that some of the ransom photos were genuine she was equally dubious as to that of Rupert Kidnapper himself:

A Ray of Hope

In their darkest hours Gobby and Billy could at least take some solace in the messages of support that flooded in from The Regulars with regard to their desperate search:

Tattoo was the first to express his shock and horror declaring:

"This is unBEARable."

Adding,

"NOT GUILTY.

Hope they haven't been shipped out to Iraq.

They might end up being BEARHEADED."


Rick Francis was quick to add his take on the situation stating,

"Wasn't me, but I wish I'd thought of it.
I could have made a moustache out of one of them."


However, as Gobby became hysterical at the flippancy of this reaction he began to realise the gravity of the matter and took a far more constructive role in the search for suspects adding,


" I have been very concerned about the disgusting act that has occurred. I have been thinking really hard about where poor Rupert could be. I am sure that I have seen him, but I can't think where.



I have been on the look out for a strange looking creature that seems out of place in his surroundings, who likes tartan trousers and to be near young children, or open fields."

Moreover, on receiving communication on the matter from one of the above it would seem that Rick's surmise could be accurate. Indeed Jordan had been correct when her suspicions were aroused only last week regarding the previously unimaginable unprovoked generosity on the part of one of their number.

Horrified, Gobby now rued the gusto with which they had consumed the tasty gift that had been proffered on reading the following:

"It is with dismay, shock and outrage that I hear of your loss. How could any of your so called friends have done anything so cruel and heartless?

So, it is with great pride I wish to offer a reward for the safe return of the two Ruperts, a Scottish steak pie!

As with all foodstuffs nowadays, ingredients must be listed:

• Bear meat 70%.
• Tartan trouser 20%
• Scarf 10%.

All offal is now removed and used in Haggis.
Haggis will also be offered as a bonus if said bears are returned within two days. (It's Great, Very very tasty!)

Hoping for a happy outcome, Hamish.XXX"

A wholly appalling tale of despicable duplicity and cruelty!

Gobby could not describe the sense of loss & betrayal after the post arrived when she realised that someone she had trusted, let into their home and possibly even considered a 'friend' could have actually been a monster capable of committing such a heinous crime:

A Town with no Cheer

Uncomfortably finding themselves between a rock and a hard place down The Local with regard to the choice on offer, Ol' Blue Eyes felt the only way to deal with this was with a song for his fellow Regulars regaling them with a beautiful rendition:


"It is lonely away from your kindred and all,
In the bushland at night when the warrigals call;
It is sad by the sea where the wild breakers boom,
Or to look on a grave and contemplate doom;
But there's nothing on earth half as lonely and drear,
As to stand in the bar of a pub without beer."


Whereas Gobby had to settle for the inevitable:

Outgoings

Stunned by Hamish's unprecedented generosity, The Regulars wondered where this unheard of loosening of the purse strings may end up.

Thailand, by the look of things:

Crisis

The Regulars steeled themselves for the winds of change to blow through The Local once more as The Management took over for an undisclosed period of time.

Stoic and supportive as ever in their approach they reasoned as to how bad things could really be in the interim.

What they had not considered, however, was the possibility, even in such a potato-shire backwater of:











NO QUIZ AND NO BEER!!!!!

Sport Billy

Whilst watching the coverage of the Olympic gymnastics, (from his bed), Billy Idle was outwardly unimpressed by the record-breaking efforts of the Chinese gymnasts, commenting that he felt this was a discipline in which he could really show the world how it was done.

Remaining unphased by the quizzical glances he received in response to this declaration he went on to explain and exemplify his stance pointing out:

• He was regularly seen on his way to the Volts
• Whilst there his performance at the bar was always noteworthy
• Surely nobody could fail to notice his rings
• And he regularly ended up giving a fine performance on the floor.

No mention of him on the horse, though.

Bet the horse was relieved.

Arson

On a short cut to for Zig & Zag's birthday, (as you can never arrive too early for over-excited pre-school fun) whilst picking her way through what passes for a council estate by Barton's rural backwater standards, Gobby was horrified by the malicious depths of depravity and wanton violence blocking her path when she was confronted by the scorched remains of:


a burnt-out wheelchair.