Mufflers

As the Regulars got ready to leave the Local and wend their weary wobbly ways home they contemplated a nice long hungover lie-in the following morning.

This illusion was soon shattered by Spudgirl, however, who announced that she and Tubthumper would be up with the lark as usual for a particularly energetic bout of bell-ringing.

Initially the Regulars' faces fell in a forlorn manner as they realised their earthly peace was to be untimely shattered then they ducked for cover on hearing Billy idle ask Spudgirl if she would mind:

"Putting a towel on her knockers in the morning!"

Laundering

Always being one to display a high level of sartorial elegance (if you can ignore the sporran) the Regulars were concerned by Hamish's some what dishevelled appearance of late.

All became clear once he stated he had,

"Put his washing in the machine, pulled the chain and not seen it since."




To which Gobby hatched a cunning plan offering to pay Hamish handsomely if he would launder Billy's next load of quality football shirts.

Jump(er)ing into 2009

As Tattoo proudly showed off his new Christmas jumper, the Regulars struggled to harbour their disappointment that is was acutely lacking in reindeer and, despite their best efforts to the contrary, could only be described as tasteful.

Just as they felt the potential for ridicule slipping from their grasp however, Robbin' Get saved the Christmas jumper day by turning up in fancy dress as none other than Bertie Bassett.

However, when the Frogs with Red Scarves appeared, the Regulars' sniggers were cut short (well, Tattoo already was but that's another story) and the atmosphere took on a more sinister air with the Regulars wondering if the Dark Lord had been at work as they felt they were incontestably faced with the Master and his Apprentice:












Putting this aside and feeling understandably attractive so attired, as the bell tolled in the Shire for the prospect of yet another year of designer lifestyles, celebrity gossip, intrigue, scandal and potatoes Robbin' get looked around him announcing glumly,

"Not much chance of a snog in 'ere."

Adding,

"I might pop across road to't George. They'd be grateful of one in there."

And, as Tattoo was only too quick to add,



"And that's just the fellas."


Reconsidering his options in the light of this, Robbin' Get took to the floor to show off his 'snake hips' smooth moves to bring in the New Year.

Predictably Tweetie too felt he had to be up there cavorting but, as Billy Idle pointed out, he was merely dancing to 'the tunes in his head'.

Episode 1

It would seem that the plight of the Regulars and the demise of the Local had reached far far beyond the bounds of the Potato Shire:

Sit back and enjoy a veritable masterpiece courtesy of,

The Dark Lord
(The Only Goth in the Village)

Sticky Situation 2009

One night down the Local it seemed that Billy Idle could keep his perversions and undesirable tendencies a secret no longer making a somewhat emotional confession that he secretly adored the unseemly practice of:





LICKING ENVELOPES.

Tubthumper came to his aid during the ensuing stunned discomfort amongst the Regulars with yet another of the fascinating 'Tales from the Rubber Plant' announcing that this were nowhere near as deviant as appearances first suggested as, one of the major components of his own particular envelope glue brew was, in fact, potato starch.

At the mention of her favourite tuber Spudgirl became highly animated and immediately fascinated by her husband's contribution.

Moreover, as the Regulars were keen to point out,

"They had to be something somewhere that they had in common".




*For previous 'Sticky Situations' see:
April 2008 Yet another Sticky Situation
and
October 2007 A Sticky situation

Hamish Teaches the World to Sing

After many top-billed singers at the much-anticipated Christmas Karaoke fest were struck down in their prime, Hamish gallantly stepped into the breach with a hitherto unequalled repertoire.

On marvelling at this the Regulars realised that their long-held suspicions may indeed bear true and Hamish was, in fact, the 6th Nolan; only prevented from performing on stage with the others due to the proliferation of his facial hair.

This unprecedented discovery inspired the regulars to research this further where, to their delight they found further confirmation of this with Hamish appearing under his stage name of 'Max':

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/The_Nolan_Sisters

A Crotch to Bare

Whilst some of the Regulars chose to compliment Gobby on her Choice of New Year outfit, others commented from experience that her past forays with short skirts and decorum had not always been entirely successful (and failed to make the cut for Rick Francis & Pocahontas' wedding album by a long way.)

Eager to prove them wrong Gobby wasted no time in proudly displaying her reinforced gusset to all and sundry. Billy Idle looked aghast, Ol' Blue Eyes looked away, Tattoo looked out of the window then implored Gobby to cover up the offensive display as a driver had nearly crashed his vehicle at the sight and, as Billy was keen to point out, that was in Hull.

A Match Made in Heaven

After a delightful Sunday spent devoted to darts and snooker, unwashed and immobile in front of the TV, Gobby turned to Billy Idle and whispered lovingly,

"I bet you never realised I could be this chav."

Confirming this Billy replied,

"No, my darling, and I bet you never thought I could be either."





Some moments are so beautiful that words would only spoil them.

Family Fun

Although truly stunned by his performance, the organisers of Barton Christmas Festival had to conclude that Hamish was not quite what they were looking for by way of a children's entertainer.

Questionable

The Regulars were initially jubilant to hear Rick Francis was planning one of his much-loved music quizzes.

Until they realised the limited extent of his progress:



"Sat watching telly this morning, I had a thought that could possibly beat Billy's knobbly steering wheel thought.

Whilst watching a piece about the Christmas No1 song and if it will be X Factor again, I thought of a good music quiz question that would have people thinking;

How many Christmas number ones have there been since 1960?

I quickly realised that it wouldn't take that much thinking about."

Sweet Nothings

The Regulars felt compelled to break it to Hamish that they may have discovered the reaon for his lack of success online dating.

New Friends

On a recent weekend away it became apparent that Spudgirl was, as suspected, not as enamoured with making 'new friends' as Gobby.

The Art of Communication

During yet another hard day 'working from home', Gobby mused over the commentator's remarks on a fascinating documentary she was watching on prairie dogs during a well-earned respite from the arduous morning's laborial proceedings:

"Can these simple-looking creatures really be capable of complex communication?"

After some consideration Gobby felt that, indeed, quite probably they could, somewhat on a par with the Regulars at chucking out time on a weekend.

Just in Time

Much consternation broke out amongst the Regulars, in particular with Spudgirl, as they tried to ascertain just exactly what they had overheard Gobby ask Tubthumper to show her down the Local.

Thankfully, the uprising was promptly quelled when Gobby reiterated it had been in relation to his CLOCK.

Touching

The thoughtfulness that Tattoo had employed in choosing Billy Idle's pillow-soft birthday present almost brought a tear to his eye.




















Much in the way that Gobby's usual preferred choice of recycled toilet roll invariably did.



(Should you have missed out on this previously view December 2007 - Billy's Buttocks)

The Appliance of Science

After successfully purchasing a replacement freezer after theirs spontaneously combusted (not to mention a 32" TV for the bedroom which must have myseteriously fallen into Billy Idle's basket on the way to the till) the Regulars lamented the undeniable truth that household appliances are simply not built to last like in the old days.

Billy Idle felt that he must protest at this, however, declaring that his hoover had been in excellent working order for some 10 years now.

To which the Regulars reminded him that said items did actually have to be put to some occasional use if they were ever to enter the danger zone of wearing out.

In Fine Shape

After a resplendent three-course meal down the 'New Local', many of the Regulars has consumed so much fine food they were in danger of bursting.

Billy Idle, however, denied any over-indulgence declaring he had 'the body of an athlete.

And, indeed, this was indisputable:























When often asked how he manages to keep in such shape Billy invariably advises his followers that, there could be no denial that 'round' is a shape.

Additions

Jordan & Tubthumper disputed the number of rounds they had consumed down the Local and, with some underestimation on his part, a deeply intellectualy and philosophical debate ensued between the pair:

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

After some time had passed, realising it was somewhat unfair to subject those of the Regulars of a lesser cognitive ability to the aforesaid repartee, Jordan suggested the confabulation in question could be clarified by the application of the equally learned discipline of mathematics by calculating the number of essential snacks he had consumed with each accompanying round.

And, indeed on adding his:
Bacon Fries,
peanuts,
Cheesy Moments,
crisps
and
pork scratchings

Tubthumper conceded,

"I've had five."

and the conversation thankfully returned to less high-brow matters.

Job Satisfaction

As the Regulars marvelled at Hamish's ability to have held down his current job long enough for this to have been 'caught on camera' and passed around the Local he did admit to a couple of other failed attempts alomg the employment road of which they had previously been unaware.

Namely his unsuccessful forays into the world of Librarianship and Advice Columnist:


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,

'Excuse me, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which he stops doing his tasks, looks at him over the top of his glasses and says,


'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

******************************

Dear Hamish,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Hamish

Souper!

Although she could not be entirely sure what gave it away, Gobby felt The German was not adhering to the agreement of taking it in turns to provide a delicious HOME-MADE nutritious soup each week at work.












Admittedly though the end result was impressive.

In fact, if you've tried Cup-a-Soup why not move on to Cup-o-Sick?

Bye Bye Baby

Try as she might Gobby was having great difficulty pointing out Billy Idle's fearsome sartorial errors.

He even attempted to brush off the frightening nature of this week's monstrosity declaring,

"Checks are in".













It was to be hoped that Ol' Blue Eyes, who himself once appeared down the Local seemingly disguised as Tattoo and Jordan's bathroom suite, may have made him see the light by enquiring as to when Billy was likely to burst into a chorus of 'Shang-a-lang'.

Ideal Woman

The Regulars were surprised but delighted when they came across Hamish's ideal woman on a recent visit to a Health Spa:

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HADTO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!



(Should you need further clarification please visit July 2006 - The Fax is the future (cunningly stored under 2007 under an unfortunate banning from Microsoft spaces incident!))

Giddy-up

During a typical Saturday afternoon well-spent letting the turf accountant manage his finances for him, Ol' Blue Eyes felt he must surely be on a winner when he saw the favourite's jockey drop his whip and fall back.

However as his own jockey began to lose ground, passed his whip on to his rival who then whipped the favourite to a resounding win Ol' blues Eyes had to accept that today just might not be the day.

Heartwarming

As the weather made a decidedly unpleasant turn and as the Regulars struggled an extra 50 yards to the REPLACEMENT LOCAL they at least felt some warmth and cheer when Hamish, a yet to be discovered and undercelebrated poet, penned a beautiful ode:

' WINTER ' a poem by Hamish

F**k Me!
It's Cold!

Mystery Guest

Although she couldn't quite put her finger on it, Gobby felt you could always tell when Spudgirl had popped round for a cuppa.

The end of an Era?

It would seem that the unthinkable, abandoning the Local for one that could actually be relied on to serve that seemingly scarce commodity known as 'DRINK', was actually about to occur.

After multitudinous rants and laments over the demise of the Local, Spudgirl analysed the current position, both literally and figuratively, issuing the decree:

"It is with great interest that we have noted your comments about the Volts. As you know, I have, for some time, been a little less than satisfied with the Vodka availability. My husband is not usually so discerning* but has also been disappointed with the range and standard of the beer. Although we have no major issue with the landlord at the present time, we agree that the situation has not been the best.

If it is acceptable to the majority, my husband and I would like to join you good folk at a 'New Venue' on our return from across the sea.

Kind regards (in the hope that the above has improved Tattoo's mood slightly after his rant)."

Spudgirl & Tubthumper


Having reached this level of arbitration, whilst some of their number braved the high seas, (not to mention Tweety & Thrush), the remaining Regulars took their first steps into the unknown reporting back forthwith that they had their accomplished this initial foray seemingly unscathed:

"Was welcomed quite warmly by the landlady, who only asked us to watch our language, to which Hamish replied, "what if you have Tourettes?" Nearly spat my beer all over her.

That would have been a good start."

It was, therefore, with much trepidation and anticipation that the remaining Regulars readied themselves pastures new (and, to Billy Idle's immeasurable consternation, an extra 5 minute's walk.)



Meanwhile, down the Local, (sniff) the current incumbents had posted signs requesting guest beer choices for the coming months, to which the Regulars had helpfully added,

'Any beer would be a start.'

and

'Anything other than crap lager'.

*For 'not so discerning read: has been witnessed drinking the dregs of abandoned vessels found in dirty corners of many a pub. A practice he fondly refers to as 'minesweeping'.

Ups & Downs

After a overly well fed and well watered weekend away Gobby commented on the fact that Billy Idle may have gained a pound or two.

Billy attempted to appease her with regard to this by stating,

"But I told you it went in peaks and troughs."

Leaving Gobby to wonder if they would stay together long enough to ever see a trough.

Safety in Numbers

"Unlikely that the evil Rupert Kidnapper can sneak them all out unnoticed this time," mused Gobby.

Give up Eventually and Get Someone Else to Do It

As the kitchen fitters (or saviours sent from the Lord as Gobby liked to think of them) arrived, and as she mused over no longer having to keep cutlery on the worktop in a desk tidy pen holder due to circumstances that had been beyond her control for well over a year; Gobby hardly dared to believe she would no longer, on entering the kitchen, be confronted by the sorry sights of Billy Idle's woeful lack of DIY:

However, and quite incredibly, on returning home for the weekend, generally spent in his unerring devotion to DNY, Do Nothing Yourself, Billy Idle, as if thwarted by some higher power and in a somewhat wounded manner declared,

"I was going to mend that drawer this weekend as well!"

Halloween

After a terrifying haranguing by the Trick or Treaters of Caistor Road (on the one evening of the year they feel comfortable showing themselves) then running the gauntlet to the Local not daring to look back, it was a wild eyed Billy Idle & Gobby that threw themselves at the bar on Halloween.

Both out of breath (Gobby from fear and Billy from a rare bout of physical exertion) Billy finally managed to gasp to the bar staff,

"She wants Hobgoblin."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes, with a twinkle added,

"I bet she does!"

Following this up with the comment that he hadn't had a single trick or treater darken his door this year to which the Regulars were about to ask his secret when he continued;

"Maybe it's since I murdered that kid last year!"