High Definition

Jordan was beside herself with glee and disbelief when Tattoo woke her with the surprise news they were to go immediately to the electrical store to buy her a new High Definition TV for Christmas.

She should, however have realised there was slightly more to the initial 'definition' than met the eye as she subsequently explained to the Regulars:

"Apparently the telly's mine but the programmes are his."

Return of the Pumpkin

Lest the pumpkin preoccupation of 2009 should all too easily fall into the forgotten past Tubthumper made sure it returned to the fore with the unveiling of the now fully fermented Pumpkin Beer.





















Whilst this was distributed with the disclaimer of being a 'Unique Taste Experience' the Regulars were, nevertheless, unprepared for its true individuality, succinctly described by Billy Idle as a seldom experienced ale experience that:











"Puts hairs on your teeth."

A New Year in the Shire

Needless to say 2010 could not have got off a better start in the shire than with a magnificent display of Billy Idle's karaoke prowess, not to mention him flashing his balls.

Season's Greetings

As Ol' Blue Eyes took his seasonal sojourn north of the border his warmth and humour was sorely missed by the Regulars over the festive period.

On hearing of his timely return Jordan was delighted and wasted to time in calling in on him for a share of his glad tidings.

She did however feel the spirit of good will to all men was somewhat truncated when, on hearing her knock at the door, he appeared with a wreath.

Little did the Regulars realise, however, that they would soon prefer this spectre to the eggnog-fuelled Christmas Eve version that had incomprehensibly transformed itself into a wholly terrifying Lady Ga Ga cover act even more hideous than the genuine article.

Whiteout

The Regulars did not wish to dampen Rick Francis's optimism but, between themselves secretly believed that after a bout of rough play in the park with Zig and Zag, despite marking the territory with a stick, his chances of finding his now missing front tooth once the thaw came were so slim that even Ol' Blue Eyes wouldn't put money on it.

Monitor

Gobby was initially delighted, hoping a new leaf was finally turned, when Billy Idle strapped on his new heart monitor watch (now in the correct place, see The Heart of the Matter) and exercise was underway:

(In your dreams...)

She later realised that there may still be some way to go as she then witnessed him accidently drop said new purchase into his post-activity tub of ice-cream.

The Middle East Question

On receiving a bizarre text from Spudgirl, Gobby first ascertained that it was not a trick question then mused over,

"What can you use Israeli extra virgin olive oil in?"

She should, of course, have saved herself the effort of contemplation and passed the question immediately on to Billy Idle, fount of all knowledge who sagely responded with:










"An Israeli frying pan."

A SINCERE Apology

Barton Lives sincerely apologises if offence was caused in any way regarding the November episode entitled Watership Down and any misinterpretation inferred there from that Robbin' Get may do exactly what it says on the tin.

The correct insinuation of such miserliness in the face of Barton's most over-indulged rabbit , courtesy of the aforementioned Robbin' Get should have read:

"I just wasn't paying £20 for a p*ssing vase to sit on a p*ssing mantlepiece!"

Dark Christmas

Suffice it to say, despite his generosity, the Regulars decided not to take The Dark Lord up on his offer of having them round for Christmas.

Decorum

The Regulars were delighted to hear that the dour and decidedly unfestive Hamish had made an unseasonal effort to take part in the Barton Christmas Best Decorated House competition.

That was, at least, until they popped round to have a look.

The Heart of the Matter

The Regulars had been highly concerned by Billy Idle's recurrent chest pain one weekend, not to mention his ensuing inability to successfully perform the Timewarp and were relieved to hear that by the following weekend this had abated.

However, as further details of Billy's predicament began to emerge, Gobby felt she could go some way to allay the concerns of the Regulars due to a recent purchase of a heart monitor.

Moreover, it was not necessarily the reassurance of the ability to monitor his heart rate that would serve to assuage the fear of any major concerns, but more the fact that, despite months of treatment and rehabilitation, watching Billy strap this to the entirely wrong part of his chest and the revelation that he had still no idea of where his heart was actually situated that would serve to increase the likelihood of his recurrent predicament being no more than a typical case of Billy hot air or bullsh*t.

Taking a Buffeting

As Rupert Kidnapper and the Manic Miner returned from yet another ill-planned foray abroad the Regulars were shocked to hear that, despite being 'all you can eat' this 'value for money' buffet in their hotel was at a cost of £75 a head.

As Hamish was heard to exclaim:

'HOW BIG WAS THE HEAD?!'

Raffles

Before any uncalled for anticipation that the Regulars had taken a far-flung trip out of the Shire to the far east, let all confusion be checked in the knowledge that this episode merely involves the purchase of raffle tickets in support of a local charity.

Indeed, so touched were the Regulars by Barton's resident Scouser's appeal to help those less fortunate then himself and the revelation that there can be less fortunates than those hailing from Merseyside, even the well-documented tight-fisted Hamish dug deep and made a contribution.

On further inspection of the tickets however, and the discovery that these were sold to purchase a defibrillator kit the Regulars enquired that, if they were to win, could they just claim the kit to have on-hand for Billy?

Absent Abstinence

As the Regulars debated the dubious likelihood of one of their member having truthfully given up the pleasures of the flesh forever Ol' Blue Eyes sagely pronounced,

"He'd shag a frog if he could stop it hopping."

Corroborated by Hamish who declared he would,

"Bang a door."

Minimisdemeanor

Ever supportive the Regulars sought to counsel Gobby regarding her latest traffic offence involving being caught driving her mini down a bus lane.

Indeed how could she not take solace from:

"Was it a MINIbus?!"

"Would you have got off if you'd had Ol' Blue eyes in there with his bus pass?"

"£30? That's an expensive fare. Was it to rent the lane?"

"It'd have been cheaper to take the bus."

The Wicker Man

As previously documented the Regulars always liked to keep abreast of current affairs beyond the confines of the Shire and the extent of their worldly knowledge often proved startling.

On discussion of a theme close home, namely the Wicker Man, one of the Regulars lamented,

"He died this week."

To which Tattoo expressed his surprise countering with,

"Who, Alan Whickar?"

An Apparently Nowhere Near Death Experience

As the majority of the Regulars were delighted with Billy Idle's recovery and progress it would seem not all of them had been struck by the gravity of his plight.

Indeed, as Imelda recounted the tale of one of her relatives it became clear that Billy's efforts had been paltry in comparison as she declared,

"He had a heart attack. Like you but he actually died."

Watership Down

As Imelda and Robin Get came to terms with the demise of Freckle, the Shire's most over-indulged rabbit, it would seem there was light at the end of their tunnel of grief as they had seen fit to allow the aforementioned to be disposed of by bin-bag rather that pay an extortionate £51 to have him char-grilled.

The Regulars were, as ever, touched by Hamish's compassion as he declared he,

"Would have done it for twenty-five."

Hot And Bothered

A Tale from the Inferno courtesy of the Dark Lord:

It has not been a good day for the Dark Lord.

The Dark Lady is unhappy and I am having trouble with the old boiler.

The problem?

Well, it was time for the annual central heating service as it had not been done for three years.

Trying to get a plumber to visit Gothic Towers had so far proved impossible.

David Attenborough was planning to produce a documentary on these elusive creatures but decided against it after an unsuccessful attempt to get a bath tap washer replaced.

Instead he used his budget to go in search of the dodo.

This morning one of these shy creatures bravely approached the main entrance carrying a bag of strange jingly things.

They can be tempted into the open by the sound of rustling £20 notes.

Before he could change his mind I opened the door a fraction and grabbed him by the arm.

I pulled him in so quickly that it left his boots spinning on the doorstep.

After bolting the door I propelled him into the boiler room where the Dark Lady was in waiting.

After we had plied him with herbal tea (we make it from those strange mushrooms which grow on the dung heap) his mood lifted to a new plane.

He doffed his cap and announced to the Dark Lady that he would give her a good servicing at which she promptly disappeared down into the dungeon.

The now happy plumber began to dismantle our heating system with relish while joyfully explaining the principles of the balanced flue and the ratio of BTU’s to gas cubic meters.

He thoughtfully scratched his head (something workmen do) as he explained that we had a cracked burner and it would have to be replaced.

He then began to scratch his crotch (something mechanics do before telling you of a serious problem) and said that the heat exchanger had been leaking for some time.

Also our “single pipe” system was out of date and would have to be upgraded.

What this means in English is that a new boiler will have to be fitted and the full system of pipes and radiators replaced.

As the Dark Lady returned from the dungeon (I think she had been to feed the last plumber who visited) he explained that he would need to alter some of her plumbing and inspect her flue.

I haven’t seen her since.

Apparently we will have to have something called a Condescending Boiler.

A shame really. The old boiler had been a bargain.

We bought it second hand from the council when they put new burners in the crematorium.

A really useful purchase, not only did it heat the mansion and provide endless hot water, there was room inside to have a hog-roast when we entertained.

The Dark Lord

(The only Goth in the Village)

Judgment Day

After months of hard work, germinating, propagating, nurturing, cultivating and in some corners CHEATING, the occasion finally arrived for Giant Pumpkin Judgment Day.

Admirable if not miraculous entries came from those some less than naturally green-fingered Regulars:
































And it was touching to see there was no degree of one-upmanship or glee between such a loving couple when Spudgirl's pumpkin weighed in ahead of her well-documented bad loser husband.



































After an agonising wait and with the aid of an impartial adjudicator the results came to bear.


Pumpkins

1. Tattoo - 29lb 4oz
2. Ol' Blue Eyes - 20lb 4oz
3. Spudgirl - 19lb 1oz
4. Tubthumper - 16lb 2oz
5. Billy Idle - 13lb
6. Gobby - 2lb 12oz

Despite her best attempts to make her entry look bigger by desperately thrusting it closer to the camera Gobby had to finally accept she was well and truly last.



















Whilst Tattoo proudly received his trophy in recognition of his efforts.


































However, a woman scorned and scheming, Gobby hatched a cunning plan for revenge and was sure that with her employment of an incognito getaway vehicle no one would ever suspect her of stealing the champion of champions.











Relenting in time for Halloween she saw fit, however, to render the winning entry into a form all the Regulars could enjoy seeming to earn Tattoo's forgiveness whilst the rest of the Regulars put their prize specimens to equally appropriate use:



























You have to admit, not a bad way to go.

THE END

A Moment of Weakness

When the Regulars reached their usual weekly update discussion slot on the latest developments in Gobby's progressive bladder weakness she decided to try to take evasive measures to avoid this week's ridicule and, on looking at the empty glasses on the table declared,

"I need a wee, should I go to the bar?"

To which Jordan encouragingly pointed out,

"I think most people would prefer it if you went to the toilet."


Under further scrutiny by her peers Gobby went to great lengths to explain that the unpleasant wet patches on her bed had been caused by a leaking hot water bottle and in no way contributed to by her own failings explaining,

"I squeezed it hard over the sink to check and a bit came out."

To which Tattoo added,

"And what about the bottle?"

Capacity

As Gobby wearily returned from another scintillating education conferenceTubthumper encoragingly tried to put a positive slant on her contribution to the proceedings declaring how impressed he had been to hear she had had:





"25 people in her slot."

Socialite

As the once utterly unapproachable Spudgirl integrated yet further into Barton (not to mention human) society she pointed excitedly in the direction of the window of the Local declaring how much she now recognised people around the town.

Jordan was quick to encourage this new-found skill agreeing,





"Yes, that's your husband."

Mascot

After her initial confidence and enthusiasm in engaging some of the Regulars to help out at a beer festival began to wane somewhat, Gobby did wonder if Scunthorpe & District CAMRA was in fact ready for a new mascot.

Masterchav

Whilst delighted that Billy Idle, who had previously unashamedly declared his favourite restaurant to be Little Chef had taken such a fervent interest in Masterchef, Gobby was somewhat alarmed when, on announcing her departure to the kitchen to prepare their evening repast he countered this with,

"Ok, you've got fifty minutes and concentrate on your presentation!"

Barrow Boy

After searching high and low through the spoils of Gobby's garage, she and Rick Francis emerged semi-triumphant with a lawnmower but no corresponding power lead but, more successfully, with a wheelbarrow to enable Tattoo to transport his giant produce from the zone.
















On returning home from the wood yard Tattoo was clearly delighted that Rick had delivered his 'new toy' offering Gobby wholly unnecessary reimbursement to which, in her mind referring only to the access to the aforementioned zone, she replied:

"Don't be silly, it's a bit old and bent anyway but that's probably a good thing for squeezing up your passage."

And was wholly unprepared for the response,

"Who, Rick?!"

Multitasking

Ol' Blue Eyes never ceased to amaze the Regulars with his talents acquired over his years of experience and his ever-willingness to adapt to the modern age.

Indeed, as he stood up and announced his latest new-age capacity to multi-task the Regulars, not knowing quite what to expect, waited in eager anticipation down the Local could not fail to be impressed by his ability of:










Fag

Pint

Wee

Captain

As Spudgirl and Tubthumper returned from a week's boating holiday Ol' Blue Eyes casually asked,

"Who was captain?"

To which Billy Idle narrowly escaped choking on his pint in spluttering his reply of:

"As if you need to ask!"

However, he was found to warm to the whole canal boat idea on discovering he never need be out of range of his favourite take-away as Mr Gee's Bacon Butty Bar of Barton had clearly become a chain:

Sacrifice

Whilst Gobby partook of one of her favourite distractions in the company of the veteran Regulars propping up the bar of the Local and putting the world to rights, the conversation soon turned to the inevitable of the youth of today not knowing they're born with the conclusion,


"As my parents said, 'We made a lot of sacrifices when you went to university' ".



"And they were right - they're both druids."

Clippers

As Jordan regaled the Regulars with her photos of the send-off of the Round the World Clipper Race she found their ignorance of such events disturbing especially as when she declared that one boat had come from Norway Tattoo was heard to exclaim,

"No wonder it didn't win!"

Moreover, on further explanation, the concept still seemed to elude their grasp and eventually she had to resign herself to the fact that the Regulars had, as found to occur disturbingly often, created an alternative reality befitting of life in the Shire as they concluded,

"They go round the world giving everyone a number 2."