Bright Lights

The Regulars decided, on seeing Hamish's latest home adornment, that Kirstie Allsopp had little rivalry to worry about on the home decor front.

The Strypes

If you wanna be in my gang...

Then 'CHECK' out what occurred a few weeks later:

Handing it to You

During a busy night down the Local and unable to hear the conversation from the far end of the table, Gobby somewhat indignantly misinterpreted Billy Idle's hand gesture:

Declaring,"I thought that was my a***hole!!"

The Regulars soon put her straight declaring,

"No, he's still sitting right here."

Point of View

Whilst Gobby was delighted Billy Idle had taken to warmly to the new additions to the family, she did have to insist that there is a line and, they don't actually want to 'come in and watch the rugby'.

Somewhat surprised that he needed to ask why she went on to remind him,

"Because they're CHICKENS".

And, as they pointed out to her, It's not like France were even playing.

Thinking outside the Box

As the Sky man, whilst installing a new box downstairs and relocating the old one upstairs casually uttered the words:


"I had to reset your old box so all your recordings are gone".


Gobby felt this was one message that should definitely be relayed to Billy Idle in his workplace, from a distance and with some hours' absorption and processing time.

And, after all, it shouldn't take him long to fill the additional new 2 terabytes and resume 'normal' proceedings.

Bringing up the Rear

Billy Idle and Gobby made a slightly tardy entrance to the Local, Gobby, to Billy's annoyance, having been fascinatingly waylaid by the potential outcome of the progress of the seven snails she had stopped to observe at the end of their road.

,







Tattoo pointed out:

"I bet Ol' blue Eyes had £3.00 on one of them."

As Billy had berated Gobby for lost time and route marched her the rest of the way to the Local he declared he had discovered a new event in which she would excel:


The 200 yard ****ing noise.

Pillage

 Despite, during a momentary lapse of concentration having placed a largely incorrect selection of tablets into Billy Idle's pillbox, missing out a few inherently vital to his survival, Gobby, on being questioned, insisted that she was in no way actually trying to kill him.

Master of None

After not missing a single episode and glued to the final, Gobby found it hard to shatter Billy Idle's delusion that, despite his truly astonishing repertoire of fried breakfast, pudding chips and beans and the seldom imitated 'Chip Bol', he was, notwithstanding, most probably not likely next year to be the second Masterchef champion from Oldham.

Snail Brain

Again Gobby despaired at Billy Idle's true lack of worldly knowledge.

As she was engaging the Regulars down the local with a fascinating insight into the world of molluscs, Billy made an untimely interruption demanding,

'Winkles and snails - how are they similar.?!'




Just for the record:

Go figure...

Box Clever (or not)

Tiring somewhat of the hype surrounding the  Mayweather - Pacquiao fight, the Regulars fondly remembered  the glory days of boxing.

One mused (and the jury is still out as to whether he can distinguish real life from fiction) that, back in the day,

"Rocky did alright - fighting Mr T. and that big Russian."




 














But, as Hamish felt the need to point out to him:

"Look what he's doing now.  Driving the Warburton's bread van."

Slapper

Gobby decided that, despite her manifest and overwhelming sexuality, perhaps thrusting it in Billy Idle's direction when he was trying to watch the TV had been, on reflection, a mistake.

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDVD

Gobby could not help be impressed that her mother, old Bernie, had not only acquired a DVD player but had worked out how to use it all by herself.


She just needs to work on not calling it a VD player now.

Mini-Park

Despite vehement protests and denials, not one of the Regulars believed that Gobby wasn't the guilty party in question on one of her regular visits to old friends and colleagues in Nottingham's fair city.

Moreover, it was not so much the sleight on her parking that caused the most offence, but  the fact that they were particularly convinced by the report stating the owner to be a middle-aged woman.

A Moving Experience

Billy Idle woke up to realise Bernie was always on hand to add that extra dimension to any celebration:

But a birthday visit would be nothing to the revelation that she was imminently MOVING TO THE SHIRE.

Stud

After a fascinating and timely visit to study the wildlife of Doncaster, Gobby was fascinated to read about breeding and the existence of a Studbook.

Billy Idle was visibly far less surprised declaring:

"I'm in it."

Amazing Feat

Just when Gobby felt Billy Idle may be making some progress in his skewed view of the world around him he threw this particular observational curve-ball her way:

"Feet are brilliant, you know."

Ale Calm on the T-shirt Front

Never one to turn down a good beer and prepared to try anything once, even Gobby felt there were times where the consequences of a fine real ale could cause her customary levels of unfailing calm to falter.

A Touch Too Much

On selecting an outfit and observing Gobby's raised eyebrows, Billy Idle realised that maybe no sentence should start with the phrase:


"Have a look at my T-shirt  and tell me if there is too much bolognaise down the front..."

Raising the Roof

Utterly exasperated by Tattoo's many shed-related mishaps Jordan declared:

"When we get a new shed we're having it built 7 foot high so he doesn't bang his head.

Not wishing to offend, but aware of the current price of wood on the open market, the Regulars took a good look at Tattoo's statuesque frame and suggested:

"Why don't you just make it 5 foot?"

No No No November

Gobby could only sigh as she imagined Billy idle's impending mood swings during his self-imposed:

NOBACONVEMBER

Moral Fibre

Always prepared to pander to Billy Idle's every whim, not to mention scared of the consequences should this particular matter not be addressed, Gobby was only too pleased to fulfil Billy's urgent demands for 'more fibre'.

And, as ever, the Gods of Heron Foods had been listening to the tune of 3 packs for £1.20.

Although, judging by the stock levels and price point, she couldn't help feeling that Danone may have come to rue their money back guarantee.

Train the Trainer

Not wishing to brag about her intellectual ability, Gobby could not help feeling, however, a degree of smugness at how well she was doing on the compulsory training modules at work.

Especially taking into consideration the degree of complexity involved.

Carrotfest

After months of anticipation Judgement Day was finally upon the Shire.





After an arduous morning's harvesting:




















The Regulars wheeled their mighty produce to the judging ground to be joined by several new friends such as The Wurzels plus a 'Kim & Taren' that nobody could actually remember inviting.

 But they all soon became firm friends with welcoming banter along the lines of:

"I love your novelty west-country accent!"

"Thanks, I'm from Bristol."



After anxious final preparation:

The specimens and owners lined up in the show ring:
























And at least one of the Regulars entered into the Carrotfest spirit:

Everyone agreed there were some prize entries to be had:
















Although some could have done with a dose of Miracle-gro.  Or maybe just a miracle.

There was a distinct pride amongst the competitors:

The guest judge was meticulous:

Demanding from Tattoo,

"Can I have your length and girth again, please."

After the intense competition the Regulars had gone to town on carrot-based treats:

Then, with no expense spared, the winners of each category were revealed:

Billy Idle was delighted to win the 'Best Colour' category.

Apparently it was orange.

Despite fierce protestations from Gobby the visiting guest judge declared:

"I can't cope with the vagina so two legs willy and a bum wins."

And finally, Spudgirl was crowned overall winner proving her to really be the Queen of Vegetables.





















Base pagan festivities were to follow long into the night:

Although some festival-goers were less keen to duet than others.

And after a day of unparallelled earthy joyfulness and fun, only a year to wait until:



BEETFEST

Poppycock

After tactile anticipation, disappointingly, the discreetly packaged giant cock ring Gobby believed Billy idle to have ordered turned out to be infinitely less exciting.

Drive Thru

As Billy Idle wistfully lamented, on many occasions, how he missed the hustle and bustle of the city and his fast food weaknesses Gobby was delighted to inform him that a Drive-thru had opened up just near by.





Shire style, of course:

Slimmer of the Year

The Regulars had tried, on several occasions, to tell Spudgirl that she had now lost more than enough weight at Fat Club.

SmackDown

As the competition hotted up between the horticultural of the Regulars Gobby received the following goading text from Tattoo:

"Nice sitting outside eating my tea watching the carrots grow."

Undeterred by this degree of 'carrot smack talk' Gobby countered with:

"By the look on your son's face the other day when he glimpsed my magnificent bounty I don't think I have anything to worry about.

Although she was perhaps not entirely prepared for the response,




"What about the carrots?"

Paving the Way

As Gobby planned ever more garden improvements she contacted her local workman of choice re a particular job but was surprised to receive the following response:

"Nice of you to think of me but it is a bit far from Burnopfield."

Which, for the uninitiated, it somewhat is:

Realising her error and that something had gone profoundly awry with the 'S' entries in her contacts Gobby apologised profusely to a trusty old chum, a rare itinerant visitor to Barton Lives for those that remember the Tim Tam Slam saga, explaining the work requests should have been sent to the very local: 'Shaggy'.

However, undeterred and never one to turn down any port in a storm Gobby did follow this up with, "What are you like at paving anyway?"

And way highly impressed with the reply,


"I'M FANTASTIC, MR BOMBASTIC."

Slippery

After an inordinate amount of unnecessary explanation on the spurious subject of 'Outdoor Slippers' (see Footnotes ), Gobby was very disappointed at Hamish's distinct lack of support on this matter.

And also found it hard to believe this to be the best of the specialist catalogues he regularly had delivered to his abode.

Keeping Abreast

As the Regulars discussed their respective week's work down The Local, Gobby declared her place of employ to now be a Breast Feeding Friendly Zone.

To which most of the Regulars agreed they might pop up and give it a try.