She's Got the Power

As her mother made it unfailingly to yet another birthday, she referred to her arrangements regarding Power of ETERNITY.

And therein lies the sum of all Gobby's fears.

Body Talk

As, for many years, the only programmes Billy Idle (who apparently can't go to sleep 'without the telly', although many long-suffering victims of his snoring would disagree) and Gobby could agree to go to sleep to have all come from the gruesome spectrum of the Crime and Investigation channel, Gobby declared one night during some particularly disturbing mortuary footage:

'I wouldn't talk to your dead body."

Billy did see fit to point out,

'I wish you'd stop talking to the live one!'

Any Dream Will Do

Gobby could only wonder if, after enduring such a dream, any other husbands in the world would then choose to reveal:

'I had a dream last night that I'd shit myself'.

While musing the aforementioned, true disbelief kicked in on hearing the announcement,

'I was really glad I hadn't when I woke up!'

Clean Living

As Gobby returned home from shopping unpacking her overladen bicycle, she cursed to Billy Idle,

'The Jehovah's are coming and they've obviously seen me!'

Billy reassured her saying,

'Don't worry, they've been and I've told them we're not interested.'

Although, as usual, did spoil this statement of support by adding,

'Just tell them you're the cleaner. Oh, then again, they've been.  They'd never believe we've got one of those!'

Lord of the Rings

On seeing Spudgirl and Tubthumper's more than generous 'small' portion of  onion rings on returning to the table, Gobby somewhat rued the fact she had ordered a large portion all for herself.

However, never one to turn down food, should there be any spare no doubt they would soon become 'Tubthumper rings' and, as Spudgirl some what cryptically pointed out,

'And he does!'

Time Had Come

As Billy Idle finally bought a tasteful and practical watch all off his own bat, the time came to bid a sad farewell to the timepiece that had brought them so much joy and fun over the years.

Many an amusing conversation along the lines of,

'What's the date today?'
'17th.'
'What does your watch say it is?'
'8th.'
Oh, and what did it say it was yesterday?'
'23rd'

Sadly the £8.99 Lidl bargain fondly known as the RANDOMISER was to be no more.

Hiatus

Gobby suddenly realised that an inordinate amount of time had passed since the last update (admittedly without any perceivable activity in the Shire) due to a variety of reasons, some as below:

But that it was time to redress the balance.

Spoonerisms

Billy Idle and his team recently moved office at work but, seemingly, the team cutlery did not.

So what thrusting executive doesn't lay out his work paraphernalia the night before as below?



Which led to the particularly sarcastic husband-wife interchange one morning of late:

"Forgot your heart attack spray and your door pass this morning - what could possibly go wrong on arrival?"

"Don't worry - I spooned my way in!"

Billy Idle and the Passage of Fear

Amidst yet another healthy debate during an episode of their favourite quiz show of late, Only Connect, Gobby had to argue with Billy Idle that, despite his own traumatic schoolboy memories, the link for 'Dank Passage' was never going to be:

"Harry Potter and his bad experience at Catholic Magic School".

Lightning

Whilst Gobby acknowledged the huge strides made in Billy Idle's progress towards sustainability and renewable energy; indeed it was a far cry from the moment he flicked on their first energy-saving bulb in the bedroom many years ago and she could just make out his outline in the 5 minutes of semi-gloom by tracing the sound of the words:

"You can FUCK OFF!"

She did however have to now listen to the lament that they still weren't 'up to speed' by his explanation that, on getting up for an old man pee in the middle of the night, the fact that he could flick the switch and still reach the toilet before being able to see where he was going was not satisfactory as he:

"Shouldn't be able to move faster than the speed of light."

Topping it Off

As outrage possessed the population of Barton-upon-Humber, or those that actually cared one way or another, an action group was formed and leaflets distributed.

On learning the self-chosen acronym for said group, Gobby remembered a life and a time far far away where such a designation could be hugely witty and ironic.

However, after 15 years of living in the, Shire, she was well aware this could never be the case here.
 

A (hardly!) Perfect Ten

As Gobby reflected, with a certain sense of disbelief on the longevity of her most unlikely of relationships with Billy Idle, she wasn't necessarily expecting the following exchange:

 'It's nearly 10 years. What will you be doing to make it special?'


'I'm leaving!'

Bedfellows

Long overdue a competition, let's see if the Regulars can work out a 'Spot the Difference'.  As in when Gobby gets out of bed and airs it for the day or when that task falls to Billy Idle.


A

B

Bean

Surely never before has a coffee bean felt such disappointment..

Skin Deep

Having struggled to believe at the time, on viewing the said aisle in the Greatest Emporium on Earth, Gobby did concede the way in which her mother may have indeed confused hair conditioner with face cream.

Although nothing excused the fact that, despite finding the aforementioned 'a bit thick and sticky,' being from Yorkshire she had wasted nor wanted not until the bitter end effectively giving herself a full chemical peel in the process.

Take it Away

Gobby was fully aware of her restrictive nature in controlling Billy Idle's nutritional intake but felt this was counterbalanced by allowing him the odd treat if he had been a good boy.

So, it was quite a revelation to see how much such treats meant to him when she noticed the following on the dining table:

Bluff

Having endured, as previously mentioned 10 years of Billy Idle's proclamation that, in his youth, he had women 'dripping off him', Gobby thought it somewhat vindictively amusing to call his bluff by finding a true likeness of the alleged 'irresistibility' of the time and parading it to Tubthumber and Spudgirl.

Very rarely does such a stunt backfire so spectacularly except on hearing the following:

'Yeah, and I've had everyone on that photo that's not actually one of my sisters'.

Minted

As Billy Idle checked he had sufficient nicotine mints to get him through the weekend, Gobby could see it would seem he was well-prepared for all the fun he anticipated having on a long-avoided visit to distant friends.

Asparagus

As previously documented, after watching innumerable series of Masterchef, Billy Idle considers his culinary talents to be up there with the best of them:

http://barton-lives.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/master-of-none_1.html 


Gobby was, during a recent episode, particularly disappointed as to the accrued level of learning over those years on witnessing him ask:

'So, what flavour is asparagus?'

Hoodwinked

It was an awful moment of realization when the joiner told Gobby, when she got a new kitchen, they wouldn't need to replace the old cooker hood (yes, the one she had stopped cleaning months ago in anticipation) after all.

No Direction

Working with so many people so much younger Gobby felt smugly proud that she was really holding her own 'down with the kids'.

Then she went to the staff toilets.

Drive-by

Some days Gobby had to pinch herself as you never knew what unsuspected excitement might be driving down the end of your road in the Shire.

The Small things in Life

After throwing the washing downstairs with typical carefree housewife adandon and setting the machine going, Gobby realised one item had escaped the load having velcroed itself to Billy Idle's jacket on the way down.






















And not just any jacket but his work jacket at that.

Thus began the dilemma.  To gain the amusement of allowing Billy to walk into work accessorized with said undergarment to the ridicule of his work colleagues.

Offset by thus admitting to the world, as you can't turn back time, that her undergarments had reached such a hideous level of comfort over style, as only to be shamefully found in the small ads in People's Friend Magazine.






















A true matter of moral and ethical judgment indeed.

Fitting

As the Regulars eagerly looked forward to their next outing to see the Briggadears they struggled down the Local to come up with the logistically 'best-fit' solution concluding that, with concerted effort, Gobby would be able to fit between Billy and Hamish with, "Your arse here and your legs up."

At which point she did like to remind them,

"It's not a smear test - we're only going to Brigg!"

Cheerleaders

The Regulars had a splendid time cheering on England to watch them snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  























Even the camera shy ones.

Cu*t-through

As the regulars showed their support to 'Save Top Field' Hamish added he was particularly against the development as his street would become a 'cut-through'. 

http://www.scunthorpetelegraph.co.uk/barton-residents-sign-petition-opposing-major-development-in-the-town/story-29831521-detail/story.html

At least the regulars were almost sure that he said 'cut-through', for:

"C***s with noisy exhausts".

Yet again, only slight coaching needed for what to and not to put in writing to the council.

Domestic

What do you buy the human sloth who has everything?

In Billy Idle's case his very own ROBOT MAN-CAVE HOOVER!!

Although, whilst lazing in bed while 'Ronnie' got to work, as horizontal viewing was repeatedly  disrupted by THUMP - WHIR, THUMP - WHIR, THUMP - WHIR and Gobby concluding, "He's got stuck again." Billy Idle proclaimed'

"Brilliant - so we've got another pet!"

Trick or... Trick

All was not lost at a particularly low-scoring effort at pub quiz as Billy Idle did claim a magnificent seasonal spot prize.

Gleefully he announced how he would enjoy eating them through the window on Halloween whilst not giving anything to the local kids out trick or treating.

Somewhat as below:

Spudfest

Hard to believe another year had gone by as the Regulars eagerly lined up their entrants for Spudfest.

But, as directed they brought their produce to a 'secret' location:














Arranging them as directed by a particularly stern professional potato judge:














Although one or two entrants did slip through the net.  

And Billy Idle's knobs didn't bring him the success for which he was hoping. (Again).














It was also an opportunity to make new friends:

But friendship was soon tossed aside when, even harder to swallow than the array of potato-based snacks, was the news of who had won.  YET AGAIN!

If you need any more proof:

The Fountain of all Knowledge

Whilst failing to agree over taking in the true beauty and majesty of the Magic Fountains of Mont-Juic:

Or watching rugby league in Barcelona's filthiest Irish bar, Billy Idle attempted a compromise over the potential clash.












Suffice it to say,

"Why don't I lie in the bath, piss straight up in the air while you turn the lights on and off?" didn't quite hit Gobby's tourist highlight spot.



Although she did have to admit, it was a good game!