Dark Daze

As, one by one, the Regulars, courtesy of the ever-increasing range at the Local, expanded their love of real ale, on a recent trip away the 'Only Goth in the Village' was delighted to see his reputation had spread throughout the Shire to one of it's famous brewers.

Although he did maintain, despite several bottles, he was not yet 'fully fermented'.

Compact and Bijou

The Regulars appreciated that, for once, there had been no irony intended when Rick Francis had described the size of his new abode and that losing the remote control was not a problem as, if he engaged his reclining chair, he could change channels with his feet.

Indeed, on calling round for a cup of tea Jordan declared it was,

"My turn for the house-warming."

Uplifting

As Ol' Blues extracted himself with protracted difficulty from Billy Idle's sports car he reconsidered whether accepting a lift not preceded by Stannah had been the wisest choice adding,

"Not that I'm religious but I brought my rosary beads."

Hard Landscaping

Whilst complementing Billy Idle on his industrious garden landscaping, Gobby did comment he had snapped a branch off her new plum tree lamenting,

"And it's only got two."

The Regulars, quick as ever to correct her in the error of her ways reminded her,

"it's only got one now."

Shanty

After a day spent delighting in the sounds of the Sea Shanty Festival, albeit somewhat muffled from the interiors of several drinking establishments, the Regulars recounted their experiences on their somewhat worse for wear return to the Local.

Ol' Blue Eyes, not normally capable of distancing himself from his turf accountant on a Saturday but who had clearly made the most of his all-day drinking opportunity declared he had recorded his horses for tomorrow. And as Jordan saw fit to point out,

"Shame you couldn't put your bets on tomorrow as well!"

He also replied to Spudgirl's pub poster observation that 'if you run on the spot for 45 minutes you burn off the calories in half a pint of beer',

"I'll be running till ****ing Tuesday!"

Bienvenido

On Gobby's return from a particularly arduous work trip to the sun and beer soaked Spanish costa Tattoo recounted his own experiences in the area enquiring,

"Did they all have those big ear protectors on when you arrived at Valencia airport?"

To which Billy Idle retorted,

"No, they didn't know she was coming."

Beer Fest

As the Regulars partook of the fun and frolics of the recent Beer Festival down the Local, Rick Francis was wholly unsure of the specific gravity of the beer recommended to him by Gobby declaring.

"I don't go above 3.8."

To which Billy Idle saw fit to point out,

"He's beer drinking not doing the high jump!'



Gobby didn't fare much better as they went on to discuss volume and capacity of bottles as can be cleary seen in Rick and Billy's reply to the following:

"What's normally in a wine bottle?"



"W I N E".

Pumpkin Peril

As autumn approached and Tattoo continued to lavish effort, care and attention on his prized specimens as they began to mature he could only look on in shock and horror as Jordan fell headlong into his pumpkin patch.

Rushing down the zone to check for any injury Tattoo was able to breathe a sigh of relief and texted the Regulars informing them of the potentially serious incident but able to reassure them that,

"Pumpkins are fine."

Some time later, after Tattoo returned to the house for a cup of tea to calm his nerves, Jordan too managed to crawl out of the plot relatively unscathed.

Penny for your Thoughts

As Rick Francis, long absent from the Local embraced Tattoo in a homecoming headlock he was asked to take greater care of his most recent shed roof induced gardening wound.

On observing said scar Rick declared,

"You look just like a money box."

Defeated

As Gobby, Spudgirl and Tubthumper ambled to the Local with a hitherto unimaginably more lamentably tardy Billy Idle than prior to his near-death experience they did, for once at least, appreciate the pleasant surroundings during the journey rather than simply propel themselves along the alcoholic path of least resistance.

That was, until, Billy emitted a traumatised howl on finding a dismembered bird's foot on the path.

On rushing to his assistance at the scene of such a heinous crime and on taking him on one side and calming him down the others did, however, have to ascertain that Billy truly had never before in his life seen a fuschia.

Pumpkinathon

As the prize pumpkins continued to grow and grow speculation increased amongst the Regulars as to who was leading the race.

Handily Tattoo developed a highly sophisticated pumpkin comparison device to accurately assess the competition margins at this stage.











Namely his own somewhat pumpkin-like head:

HD

As Billy Idle drooled over his new High Definition Sky Plus Anytime Anyplace Anywhere TV Tattoo commented to Jordan that he might not make it to the Local that night as he has HD.

Knowing Billy's unerring devotion to the medium of television Jordan was prepared to accept this eventuality until Tattoo cruelly added,

"Heart Disease, that is!"

Birthday Surprise

As the years relentlessly advanced Gobby reflected on the many birthday treats she had been lucky enough to experience over the years.

However, she could wholly and truthfully concede that, in all the years, none of these could in any way compare to this year's tour of the potato store.

Black is the New Green

Wholly impressed by Tattoo's conversion to the Good Life throughout the growing season, Gobby couldn't help but display her disappointment on finding him still throwing used teabags in the general waste.

It was only later down the Local that Jordan explained she had helped him improve his recycling potential and, once it had been carefully explained to him that he didn't actually have to open every single used bag emptying its contents in the brown bin before then placing the empty used bags in the blue box, Tattoo was able to improve his green credentials immeasurably.

Offence

As Ol' Blue Eyes lamented his fist ever speeding fine after a hitherto unblemished record Tattoo told him to look on the bright side pointing out:

"At least you've now got more points this year than Hull FC."

Switched Off

As the Regulars entered deep into technological discussion it became disappointingly apparent that Hamish, aka Technomuppet (see Barton Lives episodes: The Fax is the Future, Technomuppet and Stuck among others) was still failing to progress through the digital age as he declared:




"I can't even get my computer to turn on at the moment. I've tried licking it and everything."


Not much improvement with the Tourette's either, then.

Swine

As Jordan deluged the Regulars with a violent bout of sneezing down the Local, Tattoo exclaimed that he hoped she wasn't exposing them to swine flu.

To which, in an unprecedentedly successful act of duplicity commanding his undivided attention the following dialogue between Gabby & Tattoo ensued:

"My friend was concerned she was infected and called the NHS helpline but could get through."

"That doesn't surprise me."

"Absolutely, all she got was crackling!"

Know your Place

As the Regulars sympathised with Jordan over her stairs-inflicted injuries Billy Idle took a dim view of the whole incident declaring,

"There aren't any stairs in the kitchen.

If you'd have stayed where you meant to be none of this would have happened."

I am the Law

Overflowing with his usual chauvinisitic smugness, Robbin' Get was all set to pour scorn on womankind once more when, to the delight of all womankind present he declared,



"I am obviously in charge in my house; I know exactly when to do as I'm told!"

A Blessing

On happening upon the following, the Regulars marvelled at the inexhaustible array of facilities and services available to them in the teeming metropolis of Barton:


























Keen to take advantage of such an opportunity Ol' Blue Eyes said he had taken his betting slips along and got 3 winners.

Message from Planet Gonad

It would seem that the recent extra-terrestial activity in the Shire had not gone unnoticed:

Message From Planet Gonad Located In The Nether Regions

I must contact you Earth Beings to stop your endless speculation about UFO's.

Firstly, Of course they exist. Unlike your Earth grown Giant Pumpkins.
How else do you Earth Beings think we get to your planet to buzz your towns and scare you.

Secondly, You Earth Beings seem to have no taste.

While on a wasted mission to search for and abduct virgins from your town, I had to find fuel for my saucer. This is a liquid compound made from fermented organic material.

My onboard scanner tracked a large source of potential fuel which was in a place which you call a pub.

Our normal method of re-fuelling on an alien planet is to take on an appearance of the indigenous species and recover as large a quantity as can be transported back.

This is simply done by pouring as much as possible down our speaking port and then returning to the saucer.

The saucer is fuelled by inserting our drainage proboscis into the fuel cell and allowing the fuel to flow out.

You do not have saucer technology but seem to have a passion for practicing this re-fuelling technique.

Although you do manage to fill yourselves with fuel you then go on to waste it by emptying yourselves down a ceramic drainage system.

You also suffer from serious personal navigational problems after this exercise and some of you even experience a fuel “blow-back” which makes such a mess.

So, can you all please stop pointing and shouting when you see my saucer around your pub.

I am simply trying to get tanked up.

Blotto The Alien

The Truth is Out There

The Dark Lord saw fit to use his supernatural powers to explain a recently observed phenomenon:


This may clarify a current thread on Barton Lives.

On Saturday we made one of our rare excursions out to the Sheaf and had a really good time - apart from the aliens who were busy getting "tanked up" at the bar. I was sorry not to see you there.

On speaking to Steve (AKA Tattoo) the conversation drifted to his Alien Encounter of recent times.
I asked him to describe what he saw and he related:

"I saw a glowing orange ball in the sky as I walked towards the Wheatsheaf."

I asked him if he was near the Market Place zebra crossing at the time but I can't print his response.
At his height things can be confusing: Please remember, he was once a lumberjack for Chesswood Mushrooms.

The Dark Lord
(The Only Goth in the Village)

Charity Bike Ride

Pursuing his new-found fitness regime and charitable nature in transporting and accompanying Gobby on a cycling outing, the Regulars were only to keen to support Hamish as he took this one step further:

Dear All

I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride on 27th July 2009 to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. My friend has a 6 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.

The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy technique to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.

Just £0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. £1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to help such a deserving cause.

Attached is a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have been put to good use.

Blooming

Excitement mounted as Billy Idle & Gobby's pumpkins delivered their first flower:










Then the torturous wait and potside vigil ensued for a female to come into flower at the same time.

Meanwhile, the Regulars took some malevolent glee in the fact that round the corner Spudgirl and Tubthumper's miraculous 19 reserve plants were affording them an inordinate amount of work, Fake Tim killed all but one of his late entries into the race with the over-zealous use of a Bug Gun, Tattoo ceremoniously planted his out down the Zone (complete with moats as he was sure he had heard some where he could claim back for these on his expenses) and informed Dr Emma that her efforts really had outgrown the windowsill and immediate action was required.













However, whilst Gobby did believe the above photo to be genuine she was less convinced by Tattoo's latest photo he sent her of the Zone:

Meals on Wheels

After a month of unfailing dedication and care tending to Billy Idle's every need forsaking any of her own, Gobby's hangover subsequent to the impromptu session, was so all-consuming she felt an overbearing urge to,

"Block out the whole heart attack incident and aftercare and attempt to force Billy to take up driving again for the first time to fetch them a heart attack in a tray breakfast from Mr Gee's."

Fortunately Spudgirl and Tubthumper intervened in the proceedings potentially saving both Billy and Gobby's lives by making the aforementioned journey themselves and delivering them 'Meals on Wheels'.

Kill or Cure

As a therapeutic teatime drink interspersed with his walking regime mysteriously turned into an all-night session, the Regulars were wholeheartedly delighted to see that Billy Idle had no problems surviving a night down the pub once more.

Significantly less compassion was extended to the fact that said session practically killed Gobby.

Water Water Everywhere...

Always attentive to duty and not to mention the degree of guilt Gobby felt about having unreservedly forced the Regulars into full-blown horticulture consuming their every last minute and penny it was the very least she could do to water the Zone as instructed during Jordan and Tattoo's visit to Dr Emma.

The responsibility preyed on her mind lest she should forget during the heat wave, the thought of Tattoo returning to a withered plot being too awful to contemplate not to mention the additional responsibility of also having to water their vacationing neighbour's garden. So much so that she could hardly concentrate at work and raced home as fast as her already heavily endorsed license would allow to fulfil her duty.

Much hard hosing later and soaked to the skin Gobby proudly viewed her hard work and sent a text to Tattoo as she departed:

"Have watered garden. Hope you are having a good time."

She was somewhat surprised but delighted to receive an almost immediate reply. Until she actually read it that was:

"Having a fantastic time in Barton. Do not go until next week. Thanks so much, was just about to start. What a star!"

As Gobby struggled to comprehend the reality of this message Tattoo added,

"Jordan was in the front room watching telly the whole time. Not much good for security."

Gobby's one saving grace was that at least the neighbours truly were away so her only crime was stupidity and not actual trespass or vandalism.

Gridlock

As Gobby, horrified in the first instance to have been compelled to work on a Friday, a day kept sacrosanct for an afternoon down the Local, endured yet more torment in stationery M1 traffic she texted Spudgirl of her plight.

Her torment served only to be compounded on finding Spudgirl and Tubthumper equally blighted on the Friday afternoon rush hour car park of the M25. In a desperate attempt to reconcile their lot and to come to terms with the folly of their actions leading to this fate they all swore a pact that they should,

"Never leave the Shire."

Reputation

After a packed conference-filled day Gobby was delighted when one of her esteemed colleagues sought to reward her efforts asking if she had,

"Time for a drink."

She was, unfortunately, less enamoured by a further colleague's retort of,

"Does Judith Chalmers have a passport?"

Lack of Social Conscience

Gobby felt her saintly and unfailingly charitable nature had been somewhat put to the test by her recent volunteering venture at Kids Club.

When questioned on her levels of enjoyment, personal satisfaction and self worth she did feel honesty bound to admit:

"It went really well until someone had a shit in the pool."

And was wholly prepared for Tattoo's accusation;

"Did they bollock you?"

Somewhat disgruntled by this slight on her infinitely dedicated and slightly irritating self-righteousness Gobby made a point of informing Tattoo after the next session:

"No shit in the pool this week; just the one head injury."

Needless to say she was appalled by Tattoo's obstinacy and continued lack of compassion on his reply of,

"Did you smack the kid because he wouldn't have a shit?"