A Match Made in Heaven

After a delightful Sunday spent devoted to darts and snooker, unwashed and immobile in front of the TV, Gobby turned to Billy Idle and whispered lovingly,

"I bet you never realised I could be this chav."

Confirming this Billy replied,

"No, my darling, and I bet you never thought I could be either."





Some moments are so beautiful that words would only spoil them.

Family Fun

Although truly stunned by his performance, the organisers of Barton Christmas Festival had to conclude that Hamish was not quite what they were looking for by way of a children's entertainer.

Questionable

The Regulars were initially jubilant to hear Rick Francis was planning one of his much-loved music quizzes.

Until they realised the limited extent of his progress:



"Sat watching telly this morning, I had a thought that could possibly beat Billy's knobbly steering wheel thought.

Whilst watching a piece about the Christmas No1 song and if it will be X Factor again, I thought of a good music quiz question that would have people thinking;

How many Christmas number ones have there been since 1960?

I quickly realised that it wouldn't take that much thinking about."

Sweet Nothings

The Regulars felt compelled to break it to Hamish that they may have discovered the reaon for his lack of success online dating.

New Friends

On a recent weekend away it became apparent that Spudgirl was, as suspected, not as enamoured with making 'new friends' as Gobby.

The Art of Communication

During yet another hard day 'working from home', Gobby mused over the commentator's remarks on a fascinating documentary she was watching on prairie dogs during a well-earned respite from the arduous morning's laborial proceedings:

"Can these simple-looking creatures really be capable of complex communication?"

After some consideration Gobby felt that, indeed, quite probably they could, somewhat on a par with the Regulars at chucking out time on a weekend.

Just in Time

Much consternation broke out amongst the Regulars, in particular with Spudgirl, as they tried to ascertain just exactly what they had overheard Gobby ask Tubthumper to show her down the Local.

Thankfully, the uprising was promptly quelled when Gobby reiterated it had been in relation to his CLOCK.

Touching

The thoughtfulness that Tattoo had employed in choosing Billy Idle's pillow-soft birthday present almost brought a tear to his eye.




















Much in the way that Gobby's usual preferred choice of recycled toilet roll invariably did.



(Should you have missed out on this previously view December 2007 - Billy's Buttocks)

The Appliance of Science

After successfully purchasing a replacement freezer after theirs spontaneously combusted (not to mention a 32" TV for the bedroom which must have myseteriously fallen into Billy Idle's basket on the way to the till) the Regulars lamented the undeniable truth that household appliances are simply not built to last like in the old days.

Billy Idle felt that he must protest at this, however, declaring that his hoover had been in excellent working order for some 10 years now.

To which the Regulars reminded him that said items did actually have to be put to some occasional use if they were ever to enter the danger zone of wearing out.

In Fine Shape

After a resplendent three-course meal down the 'New Local', many of the Regulars has consumed so much fine food they were in danger of bursting.

Billy Idle, however, denied any over-indulgence declaring he had 'the body of an athlete.

And, indeed, this was indisputable:























When often asked how he manages to keep in such shape Billy invariably advises his followers that, there could be no denial that 'round' is a shape.

Additions

Jordan & Tubthumper disputed the number of rounds they had consumed down the Local and, with some underestimation on his part, a deeply intellectualy and philosophical debate ensued between the pair:

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

"I've had four."

"You've had five!"

After some time had passed, realising it was somewhat unfair to subject those of the Regulars of a lesser cognitive ability to the aforesaid repartee, Jordan suggested the confabulation in question could be clarified by the application of the equally learned discipline of mathematics by calculating the number of essential snacks he had consumed with each accompanying round.

And, indeed on adding his:
Bacon Fries,
peanuts,
Cheesy Moments,
crisps
and
pork scratchings

Tubthumper conceded,

"I've had five."

and the conversation thankfully returned to less high-brow matters.

Job Satisfaction

As the Regulars marvelled at Hamish's ability to have held down his current job long enough for this to have been 'caught on camera' and passed around the Local he did admit to a couple of other failed attempts alomg the employment road of which they had previously been unaware.

Namely his unsuccessful forays into the world of Librarianship and Advice Columnist:


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,

'Excuse me, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which he stops doing his tasks, looks at him over the top of his glasses and says,


'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

******************************

Dear Hamish,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Hamish

Souper!

Although she could not be entirely sure what gave it away, Gobby felt The German was not adhering to the agreement of taking it in turns to provide a delicious HOME-MADE nutritious soup each week at work.












Admittedly though the end result was impressive.

In fact, if you've tried Cup-a-Soup why not move on to Cup-o-Sick?

Bye Bye Baby

Try as she might Gobby was having great difficulty pointing out Billy Idle's fearsome sartorial errors.

He even attempted to brush off the frightening nature of this week's monstrosity declaring,

"Checks are in".













It was to be hoped that Ol' Blue Eyes, who himself once appeared down the Local seemingly disguised as Tattoo and Jordan's bathroom suite, may have made him see the light by enquiring as to when Billy was likely to burst into a chorus of 'Shang-a-lang'.

Ideal Woman

The Regulars were surprised but delighted when they came across Hamish's ideal woman on a recent visit to a Health Spa:

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HADTO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!



(Should you need further clarification please visit July 2006 - The Fax is the future (cunningly stored under 2007 under an unfortunate banning from Microsoft spaces incident!))

Giddy-up

During a typical Saturday afternoon well-spent letting the turf accountant manage his finances for him, Ol' Blue Eyes felt he must surely be on a winner when he saw the favourite's jockey drop his whip and fall back.

However as his own jockey began to lose ground, passed his whip on to his rival who then whipped the favourite to a resounding win Ol' blues Eyes had to accept that today just might not be the day.

Heartwarming

As the weather made a decidedly unpleasant turn and as the Regulars struggled an extra 50 yards to the REPLACEMENT LOCAL they at least felt some warmth and cheer when Hamish, a yet to be discovered and undercelebrated poet, penned a beautiful ode:

' WINTER ' a poem by Hamish

F**k Me!
It's Cold!

Mystery Guest

Although she couldn't quite put her finger on it, Gobby felt you could always tell when Spudgirl had popped round for a cuppa.

The end of an Era?

It would seem that the unthinkable, abandoning the Local for one that could actually be relied on to serve that seemingly scarce commodity known as 'DRINK', was actually about to occur.

After multitudinous rants and laments over the demise of the Local, Spudgirl analysed the current position, both literally and figuratively, issuing the decree:

"It is with great interest that we have noted your comments about the Volts. As you know, I have, for some time, been a little less than satisfied with the Vodka availability. My husband is not usually so discerning* but has also been disappointed with the range and standard of the beer. Although we have no major issue with the landlord at the present time, we agree that the situation has not been the best.

If it is acceptable to the majority, my husband and I would like to join you good folk at a 'New Venue' on our return from across the sea.

Kind regards (in the hope that the above has improved Tattoo's mood slightly after his rant)."

Spudgirl & Tubthumper


Having reached this level of arbitration, whilst some of their number braved the high seas, (not to mention Tweety & Thrush), the remaining Regulars took their first steps into the unknown reporting back forthwith that they had their accomplished this initial foray seemingly unscathed:

"Was welcomed quite warmly by the landlady, who only asked us to watch our language, to which Hamish replied, "what if you have Tourettes?" Nearly spat my beer all over her.

That would have been a good start."

It was, therefore, with much trepidation and anticipation that the remaining Regulars readied themselves pastures new (and, to Billy Idle's immeasurable consternation, an extra 5 minute's walk.)



Meanwhile, down the Local, (sniff) the current incumbents had posted signs requesting guest beer choices for the coming months, to which the Regulars had helpfully added,

'Any beer would be a start.'

and

'Anything other than crap lager'.

*For 'not so discerning read: has been witnessed drinking the dregs of abandoned vessels found in dirty corners of many a pub. A practice he fondly refers to as 'minesweeping'.

Ups & Downs

After a overly well fed and well watered weekend away Gobby commented on the fact that Billy Idle may have gained a pound or two.

Billy attempted to appease her with regard to this by stating,

"But I told you it went in peaks and troughs."

Leaving Gobby to wonder if they would stay together long enough to ever see a trough.

Safety in Numbers

"Unlikely that the evil Rupert Kidnapper can sneak them all out unnoticed this time," mused Gobby.

Give up Eventually and Get Someone Else to Do It

As the kitchen fitters (or saviours sent from the Lord as Gobby liked to think of them) arrived, and as she mused over no longer having to keep cutlery on the worktop in a desk tidy pen holder due to circumstances that had been beyond her control for well over a year; Gobby hardly dared to believe she would no longer, on entering the kitchen, be confronted by the sorry sights of Billy Idle's woeful lack of DIY:

However, and quite incredibly, on returning home for the weekend, generally spent in his unerring devotion to DNY, Do Nothing Yourself, Billy Idle, as if thwarted by some higher power and in a somewhat wounded manner declared,

"I was going to mend that drawer this weekend as well!"

Halloween

After a terrifying haranguing by the Trick or Treaters of Caistor Road (on the one evening of the year they feel comfortable showing themselves) then running the gauntlet to the Local not daring to look back, it was a wild eyed Billy Idle & Gobby that threw themselves at the bar on Halloween.

Both out of breath (Gobby from fear and Billy from a rare bout of physical exertion) Billy finally managed to gasp to the bar staff,

"She wants Hobgoblin."

To which Ol' Blue Eyes, with a twinkle added,

"I bet she does!"

Following this up with the comment that he hadn't had a single trick or treater darken his door this year to which the Regulars were about to ask his secret when he continued;

"Maybe it's since I murdered that kid last year!"

Nuts

It was a somewhat surreal quiz night down the Local, and the Regulars could only muse as to what might have occurred during the proceedings compelling Gobby to declare loudly at an unfortunately quiet lull in the proceedings:

"I've still got a lid on my nipple!"

Much to the amusement of the local undercover CID, often found staking out a corner of the Local with a quiz sheet.

However, she managed to salvage the situation and restore an air of calm and decorum with the addendum:

"At least you didn't try to shove novelty snakes up me."

And all returned to that degree of stability and normality peculiar only to the Local itself.





Should anyone still be confused, needless to say, the Frogs with Red Scarves, those unfailingly and relentlessly jovial resident scousers, using an underhand bid to gain an advantage over their quiz rivals, had offered Gobby some nuts:

Steaming

As a keen group of Regulars set off for a Saturday's incomparable beery fun Gobby realised, all too late, that she was somewhat short of pecuniary funds and some emergency measures needed to be brought into play.

Although she was slightly disappointed and unable to comprehend why her endeavours raised only a measly 20p.












"Spare some change for a beer!"












On arriving at the station Tubthumper became very excited at the prospect of being able to sit on Santa's knee,








However, as it was only October the Regulars were dubious as to this but, in an effort to assuage his disappointment, Gobby may have given Tubthumper more to chew over than he bargained for when, on seeing the Station Master, encouragingly pointed out:

"He looks as if he could pull off a Santa."


Meanwhile, a somewhat disgruntled Spudgirl reluctantly obeyed the station signage, trudging off so as not to taint the air:












Unlike a single other member of the public and whilst the rest of the Regulars waited for her on the platform enveloped in a blanket of steam and smoke.




After much beer and pies and steam power the Regulars were in need of their relief on arriving at their destination, although were somewhat taken aback by the basic nature of the facilities:

























They were also somewhat underprepared for the popularity of the venue and the beer queues although felt that Billy Idle has somewhat misunderstood the ethos of the event when he declared:

"There would be a lot more room if they got rid of these trains..."












All too soon it was time to make tracks for the Local. Although, admittedly there was a point where the Regulars thought they might not make it safely home when, whilst having safely boarded the train at Leeds and on the way to Doncaster, Gobby, somewhat the worse for beer declared,

"It's not far to Leeds on this one."

However they were soon back safely in the fold of the Local after a whole day on the beer, ready to regale the rest of the Regulars with their experiences and photos whether they appreciated this or not.

Food for Thought

Down the Local at the weekend Billy Idle was understandably outspoken in his reaction to finding a dead fly in his pint.

Not nearly as much as Ol' Blue Eyes, however, who declared,

"I thought they'd stopped doing food!"

Care in the Community

Whilst discussing their homelife down the Local, the Regulars marvelled as Billy Idle could almost be seen to pay Gobby a compliment in her dealings with his (many) daily needs.

Although she was not entirely sure whether to be flattered by the comment,


"It's a fine line between girlfriend and carer, but you're quite good at both!"

Short (wing)span of Attention

Gobby was made to realise all too well that a lack of focus down the Local could lead to a serious inability to follow the intricacies of the conversation in hand.

She soon came to rue a momentary failure to concentrate as the Regulars debated the Pirates of the Caribbean and the fact that Johnny Depp was reported to have based the character of Captain Jack Sparrow on Keith Richards.

In all truthfulness she wholly wished she could have retracted her interjection of,






"Is that him with Orville?!"

Not So Light Reading

It would seem that after their well-publicised exploits, the little Rupies' big burley Northern Cousins felt the need to join in the debate and point out how close they had come to never returning home again.





















Either that or Evil Twin, one of Barton Lives' most dedicated fans, will stop at nothing to advertise her husband's latest book.

"priced at £12.99 and available from Waterstones, WHSmith, Amazon, Tesco online etc etc etc......."

Gobby felt, after such blatant advertising, that all proceeds from sales in North Lincolnshire should be put towards the 'Save the Local' fund!

Trim

Whilst chatting online with chums not fortunate enough to live within the Shire, one of these enquired as to whether Billy Idle had been making good use of his waist-trimming exercise gift bequeathed to him on her last visit.







Billy replied that, with his pressing schedule, he only been able to make occasional use of said item as he had,



"Been busy being fat".

Stunning

After much discussion, and with reluctance, the Regulars felt they had no other option but to gently break it to Gobby that her favourite pastime of Beer Festivals may not necessarily be her best look:

Advance Party (no, don't get excited...)

Still unsure as to what to expect as the ongoing saga of the Local continued the Regulars decided to send a scout ahead on a reconnaissance mission before braving the beer, should there be any.

After some discussion they decided to send one of their more intrepid and well travelled number, capable of handling such a task:

A Dangerous Combination

Not always brimming over with the milk of human kindness and generosity, Hamish, on this occasion, felt the need to perform his civic duty for the good of one of the Regulars:

"There I was sitting reading the paper on a well earned, few and far between tea break, when an article of grave concern caught my eye.

I felt it was my loyal duty to pass this on to a dear friend of mine, nay, ours.

I summarise:

Scientists have discovered (how and why I'm not sure,) that if males consume excessive amounts of peanuts and coffee, they grow BREASTS.

So that's where they come from! And I thought it was from lack of excercise, fatty foods and beer.

Regards, Hamish."

How long would it take the Regulars to deduce as to whom Hamish was alluding?

Would they indeed need a clue?

All Change

As the Regulars steel themselves once more for yet another rite of passage down the Local they will endeavour to be supportive and understanding with their metaphorical glasses half full.

Notwithstanding, the fact that the new barman was clueless as to how to extract vodka from the optics soon made them wonder as to how soon those glasses would empty.

Essex Girls

The Regulars were rather taken aback by the audacity and recklessness of Tubthumper as he sent round some humorous "Essex Girls" jokes along the lines of:

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her.
'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl,
'There's hundreds of them!'

Never having witnessed such bravery in the face of his better half they were not sure that his paltry small print disclaimer would be enough to appease Spudgirl on receipt of the aforementioned:

"Please be careful of any comments you wish to make. Need I remind you my lovely wife is from Essex?

However, before such a display of manhood was blown out of all proportion and the testosterone-fuelled slaps on the back down the Local became unbearable, Gobby also paid heed to the small print and felt the need to set the record straight:

"In reality, you are clearly so scared of said lovely Essex girl wife that you are still using her old email rather than her new one of some months previous so that she does not actually pick up on big brave boy email whilst we are duped into thinking you could ever be that daring!"

Enlightening

On returning home alone to a street plunged into darkness Gobby contacted the Regulars to ascertain the extent of the problem, crucially as to whether the Local had a source of power for the imminent Pub Quiz.

Spudgirl confirmed that they too were without light although had surmised it was merely due to Billy Idle returning home and turning all his appliances on simultaneously thus blowing Barton's entire grid supply.

Gobby iterated that she was home alone to which Spudgirl showed genuine concern for her safety and welfare and urged her to join them and share a candle and for safety in numbers.

Heartened by Spudgirl's apprehension Gobby promised to do so forthwith but explained she had no option but to risk having a bath in the pitch blackness beforehand.

It was at this juncture that Gobby became somewhat less appreciative of Spudgirl's concern and, when asked,

"Do you have enough torches?"

Did feel the need to defend herself with the reply,

"How fat do you think I am?!"

Wake-up Call

The Regulars had often warned Billy Idle about his dangerous ability to snooze through all alarm calls by the use of his lightning quick 'viper arm'.

It would now appear he should have heeded these wake-up calls before it was too late.

ESCAPE

Gobby was not sure what to expect on receiving an anonymous text message demanding she be down The Local at a designated time that evening.

She was equally apprehensive on being handed a suspicious package on arrival:
















Onc opened, the plight of the poor Rupies was quickly revealed- they were baked alive in a pie - as Hamish had predicted.

Although a glimmer of hope remained as it seem that the Rupies may have survived the gas chamber and written a rescue message on top of said pie:

















Just as Gobby could bear the tension no longer a sound emerged from within the pie leading to a valient ESCAPE!
















A joyous homecoming scene quickly followed and, once safely reunited, the Rupies vowed never to leave the bed again.

Much like their father.

Escapades

Gobby began to wonder as to just how much suffering the Rupies were actually enduring as their kidnap continues as, from the latest updates from Rupert Kidnapper, they did seem to be engaged in something suspiciously akin to sightseeing.


"My god where are we now?? I think I've seen that big tower somewhere before......."








"Well we got to the top and he didn't throw us off! No way are we jumping its much too high!"








"Let us ponder a while on how best to make our escape..."








"After a hot date with the Mona Lisa the Rupees decided to go for a drink....its a very long way round this museum..........."









"In the outside air and immediate thoughts of escape forgotten the Ruppees pose for a memorable snap of their travels...."







"Up at the grand arch the ruppees are glad they aren't buried underneath it...it was too windy to go up there so the kidnapper promised they'd make tracks for home!!"







Gobby was not only relieved to see them safe and sound in Gay Paris but markedly so in that she had in fact won her bet down The Local as to where they would appear next and did not now have to buy a round for all The Regulars.

The Plot Thickens...

Despite the allusions to conspiracy by the Regulars as to the dastardly kidnap of the Rupies it would seem that Gobby and Billy had been both too hasty to judge some and to trust others as it transpired that their babies were no longer in the country.

Indeed perchance they should have looked closer to home in their suspicions as further details began to emerge:



"Oh no its dark and we don't know where we are!! But we have managed to escape the evil clutches of the kidnapper!!"





"We tried to call for help but it's all Greek to us!!"






"The view from the room looks nice but it's too far to jump, we will have to bed down for the night!!"





"Things don't look good he's missing heather and desperate, who knows what he'll do.....
And look at the way I'm strewn on this chair!!"






"Looks like little Rupert is fairing slightly better, thank God it's not Garry Glitter!! Paul has offered a decent ransom of FIVE shekels no less!





After escaping from the scary clutches of Paul McCartney Big Rupert manages to find a bird -







"He says " she's so much better looking than Billy, I know who I want to sleep with.....
go home...
you must be kidding!"






Meanwhile Rupert Kidnapper considers how good a Rupies pie will taste.........................!!!!




In a rare moment of weakness the kidnapper thought about letting the Ruperts go home...............
unfortunately there was one small problem with the transport!!





Rupie tries to call home, but it seems he's not sure exactly where he is......Prague, Amsterdam.....who knows!!! Some strange Dutch porn star has propositioned me.....maybe I'll stick around.





"It seems that in order to secure safe transport home Rupert is having to resort to Brute strength to twist the drivers arm...............will he ever get home if he loses???????"



Not only was Gobby unconvinced that some of the ransom photos were genuine she was equally dubious as to that of Rupert Kidnapper himself: