Penny for your Thoughts

As Rick Francis, long absent from the Local embraced Tattoo in a homecoming headlock he was asked to take greater care of his most recent shed roof induced gardening wound.

On observing said scar Rick declared,

"You look just like a money box."

Defeated

As Gobby, Spudgirl and Tubthumper ambled to the Local with a hitherto unimaginably more lamentably tardy Billy Idle than prior to his near-death experience they did, for once at least, appreciate the pleasant surroundings during the journey rather than simply propel themselves along the alcoholic path of least resistance.

That was, until, Billy emitted a traumatised howl on finding a dismembered bird's foot on the path.

On rushing to his assistance at the scene of such a heinous crime and on taking him on one side and calming him down the others did, however, have to ascertain that Billy truly had never before in his life seen a fuschia.

Pumpkinathon

As the prize pumpkins continued to grow and grow speculation increased amongst the Regulars as to who was leading the race.

Handily Tattoo developed a highly sophisticated pumpkin comparison device to accurately assess the competition margins at this stage.











Namely his own somewhat pumpkin-like head:

HD

As Billy Idle drooled over his new High Definition Sky Plus Anytime Anyplace Anywhere TV Tattoo commented to Jordan that he might not make it to the Local that night as he has HD.

Knowing Billy's unerring devotion to the medium of television Jordan was prepared to accept this eventuality until Tattoo cruelly added,

"Heart Disease, that is!"

Birthday Surprise

As the years relentlessly advanced Gobby reflected on the many birthday treats she had been lucky enough to experience over the years.

However, she could wholly and truthfully concede that, in all the years, none of these could in any way compare to this year's tour of the potato store.

Black is the New Green

Wholly impressed by Tattoo's conversion to the Good Life throughout the growing season, Gobby couldn't help but display her disappointment on finding him still throwing used teabags in the general waste.

It was only later down the Local that Jordan explained she had helped him improve his recycling potential and, once it had been carefully explained to him that he didn't actually have to open every single used bag emptying its contents in the brown bin before then placing the empty used bags in the blue box, Tattoo was able to improve his green credentials immeasurably.

Offence

As Ol' Blue Eyes lamented his fist ever speeding fine after a hitherto unblemished record Tattoo told him to look on the bright side pointing out:

"At least you've now got more points this year than Hull FC."

Switched Off

As the Regulars entered deep into technological discussion it became disappointingly apparent that Hamish, aka Technomuppet (see Barton Lives episodes: The Fax is the Future, Technomuppet and Stuck among others) was still failing to progress through the digital age as he declared:




"I can't even get my computer to turn on at the moment. I've tried licking it and everything."


Not much improvement with the Tourette's either, then.

Swine

As Jordan deluged the Regulars with a violent bout of sneezing down the Local, Tattoo exclaimed that he hoped she wasn't exposing them to swine flu.

To which, in an unprecedentedly successful act of duplicity commanding his undivided attention the following dialogue between Gabby & Tattoo ensued:

"My friend was concerned she was infected and called the NHS helpline but could get through."

"That doesn't surprise me."

"Absolutely, all she got was crackling!"

Know your Place

As the Regulars sympathised with Jordan over her stairs-inflicted injuries Billy Idle took a dim view of the whole incident declaring,

"There aren't any stairs in the kitchen.

If you'd have stayed where you meant to be none of this would have happened."

I am the Law

Overflowing with his usual chauvinisitic smugness, Robbin' Get was all set to pour scorn on womankind once more when, to the delight of all womankind present he declared,



"I am obviously in charge in my house; I know exactly when to do as I'm told!"

A Blessing

On happening upon the following, the Regulars marvelled at the inexhaustible array of facilities and services available to them in the teeming metropolis of Barton:


























Keen to take advantage of such an opportunity Ol' Blue Eyes said he had taken his betting slips along and got 3 winners.

Message from Planet Gonad

It would seem that the recent extra-terrestial activity in the Shire had not gone unnoticed:

Message From Planet Gonad Located In The Nether Regions

I must contact you Earth Beings to stop your endless speculation about UFO's.

Firstly, Of course they exist. Unlike your Earth grown Giant Pumpkins.
How else do you Earth Beings think we get to your planet to buzz your towns and scare you.

Secondly, You Earth Beings seem to have no taste.

While on a wasted mission to search for and abduct virgins from your town, I had to find fuel for my saucer. This is a liquid compound made from fermented organic material.

My onboard scanner tracked a large source of potential fuel which was in a place which you call a pub.

Our normal method of re-fuelling on an alien planet is to take on an appearance of the indigenous species and recover as large a quantity as can be transported back.

This is simply done by pouring as much as possible down our speaking port and then returning to the saucer.

The saucer is fuelled by inserting our drainage proboscis into the fuel cell and allowing the fuel to flow out.

You do not have saucer technology but seem to have a passion for practicing this re-fuelling technique.

Although you do manage to fill yourselves with fuel you then go on to waste it by emptying yourselves down a ceramic drainage system.

You also suffer from serious personal navigational problems after this exercise and some of you even experience a fuel “blow-back” which makes such a mess.

So, can you all please stop pointing and shouting when you see my saucer around your pub.

I am simply trying to get tanked up.

Blotto The Alien

The Truth is Out There

The Dark Lord saw fit to use his supernatural powers to explain a recently observed phenomenon:


This may clarify a current thread on Barton Lives.

On Saturday we made one of our rare excursions out to the Sheaf and had a really good time - apart from the aliens who were busy getting "tanked up" at the bar. I was sorry not to see you there.

On speaking to Steve (AKA Tattoo) the conversation drifted to his Alien Encounter of recent times.
I asked him to describe what he saw and he related:

"I saw a glowing orange ball in the sky as I walked towards the Wheatsheaf."

I asked him if he was near the Market Place zebra crossing at the time but I can't print his response.
At his height things can be confusing: Please remember, he was once a lumberjack for Chesswood Mushrooms.

The Dark Lord
(The Only Goth in the Village)

Charity Bike Ride

Pursuing his new-found fitness regime and charitable nature in transporting and accompanying Gobby on a cycling outing, the Regulars were only to keen to support Hamish as he took this one step further:

Dear All

I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride on 27th July 2009 to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. My friend has a 6 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.

The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy technique to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.

Just £0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. £1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to help such a deserving cause.

Attached is a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have been put to good use.

Blooming

Excitement mounted as Billy Idle & Gobby's pumpkins delivered their first flower:










Then the torturous wait and potside vigil ensued for a female to come into flower at the same time.

Meanwhile, the Regulars took some malevolent glee in the fact that round the corner Spudgirl and Tubthumper's miraculous 19 reserve plants were affording them an inordinate amount of work, Fake Tim killed all but one of his late entries into the race with the over-zealous use of a Bug Gun, Tattoo ceremoniously planted his out down the Zone (complete with moats as he was sure he had heard some where he could claim back for these on his expenses) and informed Dr Emma that her efforts really had outgrown the windowsill and immediate action was required.













However, whilst Gobby did believe the above photo to be genuine she was less convinced by Tattoo's latest photo he sent her of the Zone:

Meals on Wheels

After a month of unfailing dedication and care tending to Billy Idle's every need forsaking any of her own, Gobby's hangover subsequent to the impromptu session, was so all-consuming she felt an overbearing urge to,

"Block out the whole heart attack incident and aftercare and attempt to force Billy to take up driving again for the first time to fetch them a heart attack in a tray breakfast from Mr Gee's."

Fortunately Spudgirl and Tubthumper intervened in the proceedings potentially saving both Billy and Gobby's lives by making the aforementioned journey themselves and delivering them 'Meals on Wheels'.

Kill or Cure

As a therapeutic teatime drink interspersed with his walking regime mysteriously turned into an all-night session, the Regulars were wholeheartedly delighted to see that Billy Idle had no problems surviving a night down the pub once more.

Significantly less compassion was extended to the fact that said session practically killed Gobby.

Water Water Everywhere...

Always attentive to duty and not to mention the degree of guilt Gobby felt about having unreservedly forced the Regulars into full-blown horticulture consuming their every last minute and penny it was the very least she could do to water the Zone as instructed during Jordan and Tattoo's visit to Dr Emma.

The responsibility preyed on her mind lest she should forget during the heat wave, the thought of Tattoo returning to a withered plot being too awful to contemplate not to mention the additional responsibility of also having to water their vacationing neighbour's garden. So much so that she could hardly concentrate at work and raced home as fast as her already heavily endorsed license would allow to fulfil her duty.

Much hard hosing later and soaked to the skin Gobby proudly viewed her hard work and sent a text to Tattoo as she departed:

"Have watered garden. Hope you are having a good time."

She was somewhat surprised but delighted to receive an almost immediate reply. Until she actually read it that was:

"Having a fantastic time in Barton. Do not go until next week. Thanks so much, was just about to start. What a star!"

As Gobby struggled to comprehend the reality of this message Tattoo added,

"Jordan was in the front room watching telly the whole time. Not much good for security."

Gobby's one saving grace was that at least the neighbours truly were away so her only crime was stupidity and not actual trespass or vandalism.

Gridlock

As Gobby, horrified in the first instance to have been compelled to work on a Friday, a day kept sacrosanct for an afternoon down the Local, endured yet more torment in stationery M1 traffic she texted Spudgirl of her plight.

Her torment served only to be compounded on finding Spudgirl and Tubthumper equally blighted on the Friday afternoon rush hour car park of the M25. In a desperate attempt to reconcile their lot and to come to terms with the folly of their actions leading to this fate they all swore a pact that they should,

"Never leave the Shire."

Reputation

After a packed conference-filled day Gobby was delighted when one of her esteemed colleagues sought to reward her efforts asking if she had,

"Time for a drink."

She was, unfortunately, less enamoured by a further colleague's retort of,

"Does Judith Chalmers have a passport?"

Lack of Social Conscience

Gobby felt her saintly and unfailingly charitable nature had been somewhat put to the test by her recent volunteering venture at Kids Club.

When questioned on her levels of enjoyment, personal satisfaction and self worth she did feel honesty bound to admit:

"It went really well until someone had a shit in the pool."

And was wholly prepared for Tattoo's accusation;

"Did they bollock you?"

Somewhat disgruntled by this slight on her infinitely dedicated and slightly irritating self-righteousness Gobby made a point of informing Tattoo after the next session:

"No shit in the pool this week; just the one head injury."

Needless to say she was appalled by Tattoo's obstinacy and continued lack of compassion on his reply of,

"Did you smack the kid because he wouldn't have a shit?"

Unappreciated Flying Objects

It would seem that not only did Ol' Blue Eyes remain as reluctant as ever to share in the Regulars' new found passion of horticulture but, moreover, he had been wholly unappreciative of Spudgirl and Tubthumper's effort to corroborate his sightings the previous week.

Indeed, when Tattoo proudly described his first lovingly home-grown carrot from the zone Ol' Blue Eyes cantankerously retorted

"And what did you do with it?"

"Chuck it up in the air, take a photo and pass it off as a UFO?!?!?"

Surging Ahead

It would seem that Imelda's pumpkin had, from a late start, taken a quite unbelievable lead in the battle of the giants.

Unless, as the Regulars suspected from the already rife cheating occurring in the proceedings, the photo was taken using Action Man's hand.

Late Arrivals

Although not entirely sure what gave it away, Gobby had to confess that she felt there was something very suspicious about Spudgirls & Tubthumpers new seedlings that had suddenly and very surprisingly emerged from the original packet of 10 pumpkin seeds planted 2 months ago.

















Some may go so far as to suggest that some form of cheating may be involved.

Billy's FINAL Wake-up Call

As the Regulars, not to mention Billy Idle himself came to terms with the fruits of his labours Hamish, somewhat late in the day, having, frugally as ever, conserved mobile phone battery power so as to not resort to the expense of his charger until being able to warm his phone battery in the midday sun enquired after his welfare.

Billy, having by this point made it back from death's door as far as the bed, declared,

"Tell him I'm dead."

Wary of such a dour Scotsman's interpretation of irony Gobby felt it wiser to report the following,

"Rumours of his death have been greatly exaggerated".

To which Hamish did accurately counter,

"Not easy to tell with Billy sometimes."


There was equal consternation at the hospital when Billy's ECG results resembled nothing seen before and a crash team dispatched until the cause of such disquieting readings was discovered.






















As Billy's discharge date loomed, and he and Gobby were given a lengthy sermon on their future lifestyle if indeed they wished this future to see the year out, they were enraptured on hearing the nurse declare,

"No one has ever had a heart attack from drinking beer."

Although Gobby's delight was short-lived on receiving the further piece of information,

"And when he can climb 2 flights of stairs you can have sex again."

Since, as far as she could recall, he had never been able to manage that.

Unbelievable Flying Objects

On returning to the Local after Barton Beer Festival the Regulars refused to give any credence to the accounts of some of their number, particularly those who had consumed their bodyweight in ale, of the mysterious lights and visions they claimed to have seen whilst taking some particularly unfresh air out the back of the Local.

The fact that Tattoo, of the spectacular eyesight and aftermath of his 'special lager' was particularly vociferous in his 'sighting' did little to sway the rest of the Regulars' stoic scepticism.

However, it became all too apparent the following day that the Regulars had, categorically, been overly hasty in their dismissal of such sightings when Spudgirl and Tubthumper were rendered incredulous at the unbelievably plausible invasion of the skies above their street.

Fest (also known as Fake Tim's Adventures in Gobbyland)

Excitement amongst the Regulars (or maybe just for Gobby after she managed a sneak preview inside the tent) had reached fever pitch (no reference to the far less exciting event of the cup final that weekend intended) as one of the highlights in Barton's somewhat sparse social calendar came round again and the Regulars readied themselves for:




















After an initial exploratory foray on the opening night the Regulars prided themselves on their level of sobriety especially considering their observations of others as they left the festival ground for the Local.

For one, they did not skid out of control round the corner into a police car to the words of,
"That wasn't very clever, was it?' although Ol' Blue Eyes did declare his sympathies for young unfortunate in question as, judging by the carnage surrounding the festival cider bar, he must have been,

'The only young lad in Barton that evening not p*ssed out of his head.'

Nor did they, on reaching the Local, suffer the same indignity of another festival goer and were successful in seeing the evening out without vomiting through their fingers.

The enthusiasm for real ale did vary amongst the Regulars with Ol' Blue Eyes pointing out no matter how many beer tokens Gobby saw fit to thrust on Jordan it was still,

"Like pushing a copy of the Watchtower on a non-believer."

The following day, subsequent to a tour of Bennett's Brewery and a pre-festival tipple:









The Regulars convened in the park for their second phase of attack, their numbers swelled somewhat by Dr Slim Carbuncle and the Swedish Librarian plus their offspring and Fake Tim and Never-Buys-a-T-shirt Mike. Anticipation for an afternoon of rioutous gratification was riding high, particularly for Tattoo who was unable to contain his enthusiasm for his once a year indulgence in the 'special lager' on tap habitually resulting in his so-called highly inappropriate "Legs like Douglas Bader" effect.

After a glorious afternoon:


























The Regulars feigned sufficient sobriety to return to the Local where further quantities of 'brave juice' were quaffed, so much so that Tubthumper, in an unprecedented display of boldness and to the utter disbelief of the Regulars, some of whom had already begun to paint themselves white to deflect the blast, dared to defy Spudgirl in insisting on one more for the road and with complete disregard for their following day's 57 point action plan.

Needless to say, such a foolhardy action inevitably saw him banished to the dock.














After the most pleasurable day the Regulars eventually felt it was time to set out home, if only to ensure Gobby did not explode from a terrifying excess of beer consumption.