A SINCERE Apology

Barton Lives sincerely apologises if offence was caused in any way regarding the November episode entitled Watership Down and any misinterpretation inferred there from that Robbin' Get may do exactly what it says on the tin.

The correct insinuation of such miserliness in the face of Barton's most over-indulged rabbit , courtesy of the aforementioned Robbin' Get should have read:

"I just wasn't paying £20 for a p*ssing vase to sit on a p*ssing mantlepiece!"

Dark Christmas

Suffice it to say, despite his generosity, the Regulars decided not to take The Dark Lord up on his offer of having them round for Christmas.

Decorum

The Regulars were delighted to hear that the dour and decidedly unfestive Hamish had made an unseasonal effort to take part in the Barton Christmas Best Decorated House competition.

That was, at least, until they popped round to have a look.

The Heart of the Matter

The Regulars had been highly concerned by Billy Idle's recurrent chest pain one weekend, not to mention his ensuing inability to successfully perform the Timewarp and were relieved to hear that by the following weekend this had abated.

However, as further details of Billy's predicament began to emerge, Gobby felt she could go some way to allay the concerns of the Regulars due to a recent purchase of a heart monitor.

Moreover, it was not necessarily the reassurance of the ability to monitor his heart rate that would serve to assuage the fear of any major concerns, but more the fact that, despite months of treatment and rehabilitation, watching Billy strap this to the entirely wrong part of his chest and the revelation that he had still no idea of where his heart was actually situated that would serve to increase the likelihood of his recurrent predicament being no more than a typical case of Billy hot air or bullsh*t.

Taking a Buffeting

As Rupert Kidnapper and the Manic Miner returned from yet another ill-planned foray abroad the Regulars were shocked to hear that, despite being 'all you can eat' this 'value for money' buffet in their hotel was at a cost of £75 a head.

As Hamish was heard to exclaim:

'HOW BIG WAS THE HEAD?!'

Raffles

Before any uncalled for anticipation that the Regulars had taken a far-flung trip out of the Shire to the far east, let all confusion be checked in the knowledge that this episode merely involves the purchase of raffle tickets in support of a local charity.

Indeed, so touched were the Regulars by Barton's resident Scouser's appeal to help those less fortunate then himself and the revelation that there can be less fortunates than those hailing from Merseyside, even the well-documented tight-fisted Hamish dug deep and made a contribution.

On further inspection of the tickets however, and the discovery that these were sold to purchase a defibrillator kit the Regulars enquired that, if they were to win, could they just claim the kit to have on-hand for Billy?

Absent Abstinence

As the Regulars debated the dubious likelihood of one of their member having truthfully given up the pleasures of the flesh forever Ol' Blue Eyes sagely pronounced,

"He'd shag a frog if he could stop it hopping."

Corroborated by Hamish who declared he would,

"Bang a door."

Minimisdemeanor

Ever supportive the Regulars sought to counsel Gobby regarding her latest traffic offence involving being caught driving her mini down a bus lane.

Indeed how could she not take solace from:

"Was it a MINIbus?!"

"Would you have got off if you'd had Ol' Blue eyes in there with his bus pass?"

"£30? That's an expensive fare. Was it to rent the lane?"

"It'd have been cheaper to take the bus."

The Wicker Man

As previously documented the Regulars always liked to keep abreast of current affairs beyond the confines of the Shire and the extent of their worldly knowledge often proved startling.

On discussion of a theme close home, namely the Wicker Man, one of the Regulars lamented,

"He died this week."

To which Tattoo expressed his surprise countering with,

"Who, Alan Whickar?"

An Apparently Nowhere Near Death Experience

As the majority of the Regulars were delighted with Billy Idle's recovery and progress it would seem not all of them had been struck by the gravity of his plight.

Indeed, as Imelda recounted the tale of one of her relatives it became clear that Billy's efforts had been paltry in comparison as she declared,

"He had a heart attack. Like you but he actually died."

Watership Down

As Imelda and Robin Get came to terms with the demise of Freckle, the Shire's most over-indulged rabbit, it would seem there was light at the end of their tunnel of grief as they had seen fit to allow the aforementioned to be disposed of by bin-bag rather that pay an extortionate £51 to have him char-grilled.

The Regulars were, as ever, touched by Hamish's compassion as he declared he,

"Would have done it for twenty-five."

Hot And Bothered

A Tale from the Inferno courtesy of the Dark Lord:

It has not been a good day for the Dark Lord.

The Dark Lady is unhappy and I am having trouble with the old boiler.

The problem?

Well, it was time for the annual central heating service as it had not been done for three years.

Trying to get a plumber to visit Gothic Towers had so far proved impossible.

David Attenborough was planning to produce a documentary on these elusive creatures but decided against it after an unsuccessful attempt to get a bath tap washer replaced.

Instead he used his budget to go in search of the dodo.

This morning one of these shy creatures bravely approached the main entrance carrying a bag of strange jingly things.

They can be tempted into the open by the sound of rustling £20 notes.

Before he could change his mind I opened the door a fraction and grabbed him by the arm.

I pulled him in so quickly that it left his boots spinning on the doorstep.

After bolting the door I propelled him into the boiler room where the Dark Lady was in waiting.

After we had plied him with herbal tea (we make it from those strange mushrooms which grow on the dung heap) his mood lifted to a new plane.

He doffed his cap and announced to the Dark Lady that he would give her a good servicing at which she promptly disappeared down into the dungeon.

The now happy plumber began to dismantle our heating system with relish while joyfully explaining the principles of the balanced flue and the ratio of BTU’s to gas cubic meters.

He thoughtfully scratched his head (something workmen do) as he explained that we had a cracked burner and it would have to be replaced.

He then began to scratch his crotch (something mechanics do before telling you of a serious problem) and said that the heat exchanger had been leaking for some time.

Also our “single pipe” system was out of date and would have to be upgraded.

What this means in English is that a new boiler will have to be fitted and the full system of pipes and radiators replaced.

As the Dark Lady returned from the dungeon (I think she had been to feed the last plumber who visited) he explained that he would need to alter some of her plumbing and inspect her flue.

I haven’t seen her since.

Apparently we will have to have something called a Condescending Boiler.

A shame really. The old boiler had been a bargain.

We bought it second hand from the council when they put new burners in the crematorium.

A really useful purchase, not only did it heat the mansion and provide endless hot water, there was room inside to have a hog-roast when we entertained.

The Dark Lord

(The only Goth in the Village)

Judgment Day

After months of hard work, germinating, propagating, nurturing, cultivating and in some corners CHEATING, the occasion finally arrived for Giant Pumpkin Judgment Day.

Admirable if not miraculous entries came from those some less than naturally green-fingered Regulars:
































And it was touching to see there was no degree of one-upmanship or glee between such a loving couple when Spudgirl's pumpkin weighed in ahead of her well-documented bad loser husband.



































After an agonising wait and with the aid of an impartial adjudicator the results came to bear.


Pumpkins

1. Tattoo - 29lb 4oz
2. Ol' Blue Eyes - 20lb 4oz
3. Spudgirl - 19lb 1oz
4. Tubthumper - 16lb 2oz
5. Billy Idle - 13lb
6. Gobby - 2lb 12oz

Despite her best attempts to make her entry look bigger by desperately thrusting it closer to the camera Gobby had to finally accept she was well and truly last.



















Whilst Tattoo proudly received his trophy in recognition of his efforts.


































However, a woman scorned and scheming, Gobby hatched a cunning plan for revenge and was sure that with her employment of an incognito getaway vehicle no one would ever suspect her of stealing the champion of champions.











Relenting in time for Halloween she saw fit, however, to render the winning entry into a form all the Regulars could enjoy seeming to earn Tattoo's forgiveness whilst the rest of the Regulars put their prize specimens to equally appropriate use:



























You have to admit, not a bad way to go.

THE END

A Moment of Weakness

When the Regulars reached their usual weekly update discussion slot on the latest developments in Gobby's progressive bladder weakness she decided to try to take evasive measures to avoid this week's ridicule and, on looking at the empty glasses on the table declared,

"I need a wee, should I go to the bar?"

To which Jordan encouragingly pointed out,

"I think most people would prefer it if you went to the toilet."


Under further scrutiny by her peers Gobby went to great lengths to explain that the unpleasant wet patches on her bed had been caused by a leaking hot water bottle and in no way contributed to by her own failings explaining,

"I squeezed it hard over the sink to check and a bit came out."

To which Tattoo added,

"And what about the bottle?"

Capacity

As Gobby wearily returned from another scintillating education conferenceTubthumper encoragingly tried to put a positive slant on her contribution to the proceedings declaring how impressed he had been to hear she had had:





"25 people in her slot."

Socialite

As the once utterly unapproachable Spudgirl integrated yet further into Barton (not to mention human) society she pointed excitedly in the direction of the window of the Local declaring how much she now recognised people around the town.

Jordan was quick to encourage this new-found skill agreeing,





"Yes, that's your husband."

Mascot

After her initial confidence and enthusiasm in engaging some of the Regulars to help out at a beer festival began to wane somewhat, Gobby did wonder if Scunthorpe & District CAMRA was in fact ready for a new mascot.

Masterchav

Whilst delighted that Billy Idle, who had previously unashamedly declared his favourite restaurant to be Little Chef had taken such a fervent interest in Masterchef, Gobby was somewhat alarmed when, on announcing her departure to the kitchen to prepare their evening repast he countered this with,

"Ok, you've got fifty minutes and concentrate on your presentation!"

Barrow Boy

After searching high and low through the spoils of Gobby's garage, she and Rick Francis emerged semi-triumphant with a lawnmower but no corresponding power lead but, more successfully, with a wheelbarrow to enable Tattoo to transport his giant produce from the zone.
















On returning home from the wood yard Tattoo was clearly delighted that Rick had delivered his 'new toy' offering Gobby wholly unnecessary reimbursement to which, in her mind referring only to the access to the aforementioned zone, she replied:

"Don't be silly, it's a bit old and bent anyway but that's probably a good thing for squeezing up your passage."

And was wholly unprepared for the response,

"Who, Rick?!"

Multitasking

Ol' Blue Eyes never ceased to amaze the Regulars with his talents acquired over his years of experience and his ever-willingness to adapt to the modern age.

Indeed, as he stood up and announced his latest new-age capacity to multi-task the Regulars, not knowing quite what to expect, waited in eager anticipation down the Local could not fail to be impressed by his ability of:










Fag

Pint

Wee

Captain

As Spudgirl and Tubthumper returned from a week's boating holiday Ol' Blue Eyes casually asked,

"Who was captain?"

To which Billy Idle narrowly escaped choking on his pint in spluttering his reply of:

"As if you need to ask!"

However, he was found to warm to the whole canal boat idea on discovering he never need be out of range of his favourite take-away as Mr Gee's Bacon Butty Bar of Barton had clearly become a chain:

Sacrifice

Whilst Gobby partook of one of her favourite distractions in the company of the veteran Regulars propping up the bar of the Local and putting the world to rights, the conversation soon turned to the inevitable of the youth of today not knowing they're born with the conclusion,


"As my parents said, 'We made a lot of sacrifices when you went to university' ".



"And they were right - they're both druids."

Clippers

As Jordan regaled the Regulars with her photos of the send-off of the Round the World Clipper Race she found their ignorance of such events disturbing especially as when she declared that one boat had come from Norway Tattoo was heard to exclaim,

"No wonder it didn't win!"

Moreover, on further explanation, the concept still seemed to elude their grasp and eventually she had to resign herself to the fact that the Regulars had, as found to occur disturbingly often, created an alternative reality befitting of life in the Shire as they concluded,

"They go round the world giving everyone a number 2."

Dark Daze

As, one by one, the Regulars, courtesy of the ever-increasing range at the Local, expanded their love of real ale, on a recent trip away the 'Only Goth in the Village' was delighted to see his reputation had spread throughout the Shire to one of it's famous brewers.

Although he did maintain, despite several bottles, he was not yet 'fully fermented'.

Compact and Bijou

The Regulars appreciated that, for once, there had been no irony intended when Rick Francis had described the size of his new abode and that losing the remote control was not a problem as, if he engaged his reclining chair, he could change channels with his feet.

Indeed, on calling round for a cup of tea Jordan declared it was,

"My turn for the house-warming."

Uplifting

As Ol' Blues extracted himself with protracted difficulty from Billy Idle's sports car he reconsidered whether accepting a lift not preceded by Stannah had been the wisest choice adding,

"Not that I'm religious but I brought my rosary beads."

Hard Landscaping

Whilst complementing Billy Idle on his industrious garden landscaping, Gobby did comment he had snapped a branch off her new plum tree lamenting,

"And it's only got two."

The Regulars, quick as ever to correct her in the error of her ways reminded her,

"it's only got one now."

Shanty

After a day spent delighting in the sounds of the Sea Shanty Festival, albeit somewhat muffled from the interiors of several drinking establishments, the Regulars recounted their experiences on their somewhat worse for wear return to the Local.

Ol' Blue Eyes, not normally capable of distancing himself from his turf accountant on a Saturday but who had clearly made the most of his all-day drinking opportunity declared he had recorded his horses for tomorrow. And as Jordan saw fit to point out,

"Shame you couldn't put your bets on tomorrow as well!"

He also replied to Spudgirl's pub poster observation that 'if you run on the spot for 45 minutes you burn off the calories in half a pint of beer',

"I'll be running till ****ing Tuesday!"

Bienvenido

On Gobby's return from a particularly arduous work trip to the sun and beer soaked Spanish costa Tattoo recounted his own experiences in the area enquiring,

"Did they all have those big ear protectors on when you arrived at Valencia airport?"

To which Billy Idle retorted,

"No, they didn't know she was coming."

Beer Fest

As the Regulars partook of the fun and frolics of the recent Beer Festival down the Local, Rick Francis was wholly unsure of the specific gravity of the beer recommended to him by Gobby declaring.

"I don't go above 3.8."

To which Billy Idle saw fit to point out,

"He's beer drinking not doing the high jump!'



Gobby didn't fare much better as they went on to discuss volume and capacity of bottles as can be cleary seen in Rick and Billy's reply to the following:

"What's normally in a wine bottle?"



"W I N E".

Pumpkin Peril

As autumn approached and Tattoo continued to lavish effort, care and attention on his prized specimens as they began to mature he could only look on in shock and horror as Jordan fell headlong into his pumpkin patch.

Rushing down the zone to check for any injury Tattoo was able to breathe a sigh of relief and texted the Regulars informing them of the potentially serious incident but able to reassure them that,

"Pumpkins are fine."

Some time later, after Tattoo returned to the house for a cup of tea to calm his nerves, Jordan too managed to crawl out of the plot relatively unscathed.

Penny for your Thoughts

As Rick Francis, long absent from the Local embraced Tattoo in a homecoming headlock he was asked to take greater care of his most recent shed roof induced gardening wound.

On observing said scar Rick declared,

"You look just like a money box."

Defeated

As Gobby, Spudgirl and Tubthumper ambled to the Local with a hitherto unimaginably more lamentably tardy Billy Idle than prior to his near-death experience they did, for once at least, appreciate the pleasant surroundings during the journey rather than simply propel themselves along the alcoholic path of least resistance.

That was, until, Billy emitted a traumatised howl on finding a dismembered bird's foot on the path.

On rushing to his assistance at the scene of such a heinous crime and on taking him on one side and calming him down the others did, however, have to ascertain that Billy truly had never before in his life seen a fuschia.

Pumpkinathon

As the prize pumpkins continued to grow and grow speculation increased amongst the Regulars as to who was leading the race.

Handily Tattoo developed a highly sophisticated pumpkin comparison device to accurately assess the competition margins at this stage.











Namely his own somewhat pumpkin-like head:

HD

As Billy Idle drooled over his new High Definition Sky Plus Anytime Anyplace Anywhere TV Tattoo commented to Jordan that he might not make it to the Local that night as he has HD.

Knowing Billy's unerring devotion to the medium of television Jordan was prepared to accept this eventuality until Tattoo cruelly added,

"Heart Disease, that is!"

Birthday Surprise

As the years relentlessly advanced Gobby reflected on the many birthday treats she had been lucky enough to experience over the years.

However, she could wholly and truthfully concede that, in all the years, none of these could in any way compare to this year's tour of the potato store.

Black is the New Green

Wholly impressed by Tattoo's conversion to the Good Life throughout the growing season, Gobby couldn't help but display her disappointment on finding him still throwing used teabags in the general waste.

It was only later down the Local that Jordan explained she had helped him improve his recycling potential and, once it had been carefully explained to him that he didn't actually have to open every single used bag emptying its contents in the brown bin before then placing the empty used bags in the blue box, Tattoo was able to improve his green credentials immeasurably.

Offence

As Ol' Blue Eyes lamented his fist ever speeding fine after a hitherto unblemished record Tattoo told him to look on the bright side pointing out:

"At least you've now got more points this year than Hull FC."

Switched Off

As the Regulars entered deep into technological discussion it became disappointingly apparent that Hamish, aka Technomuppet (see Barton Lives episodes: The Fax is the Future, Technomuppet and Stuck among others) was still failing to progress through the digital age as he declared:




"I can't even get my computer to turn on at the moment. I've tried licking it and everything."


Not much improvement with the Tourette's either, then.

Swine

As Jordan deluged the Regulars with a violent bout of sneezing down the Local, Tattoo exclaimed that he hoped she wasn't exposing them to swine flu.

To which, in an unprecedentedly successful act of duplicity commanding his undivided attention the following dialogue between Gabby & Tattoo ensued:

"My friend was concerned she was infected and called the NHS helpline but could get through."

"That doesn't surprise me."

"Absolutely, all she got was crackling!"

Know your Place

As the Regulars sympathised with Jordan over her stairs-inflicted injuries Billy Idle took a dim view of the whole incident declaring,

"There aren't any stairs in the kitchen.

If you'd have stayed where you meant to be none of this would have happened."

I am the Law

Overflowing with his usual chauvinisitic smugness, Robbin' Get was all set to pour scorn on womankind once more when, to the delight of all womankind present he declared,



"I am obviously in charge in my house; I know exactly when to do as I'm told!"

A Blessing

On happening upon the following, the Regulars marvelled at the inexhaustible array of facilities and services available to them in the teeming metropolis of Barton:


























Keen to take advantage of such an opportunity Ol' Blue Eyes said he had taken his betting slips along and got 3 winners.

Message from Planet Gonad

It would seem that the recent extra-terrestial activity in the Shire had not gone unnoticed:

Message From Planet Gonad Located In The Nether Regions

I must contact you Earth Beings to stop your endless speculation about UFO's.

Firstly, Of course they exist. Unlike your Earth grown Giant Pumpkins.
How else do you Earth Beings think we get to your planet to buzz your towns and scare you.

Secondly, You Earth Beings seem to have no taste.

While on a wasted mission to search for and abduct virgins from your town, I had to find fuel for my saucer. This is a liquid compound made from fermented organic material.

My onboard scanner tracked a large source of potential fuel which was in a place which you call a pub.

Our normal method of re-fuelling on an alien planet is to take on an appearance of the indigenous species and recover as large a quantity as can be transported back.

This is simply done by pouring as much as possible down our speaking port and then returning to the saucer.

The saucer is fuelled by inserting our drainage proboscis into the fuel cell and allowing the fuel to flow out.

You do not have saucer technology but seem to have a passion for practicing this re-fuelling technique.

Although you do manage to fill yourselves with fuel you then go on to waste it by emptying yourselves down a ceramic drainage system.

You also suffer from serious personal navigational problems after this exercise and some of you even experience a fuel “blow-back” which makes such a mess.

So, can you all please stop pointing and shouting when you see my saucer around your pub.

I am simply trying to get tanked up.

Blotto The Alien