A Lidl bit of Joy

Never let it be said that Billy Idle and Gobby didn't wish people well for the festive season in their own special way.

Soupermodel

It was not often that Billy Idle treated Gobby to lunch and, as she tucked into her Greggs tomato soup in a paper cup at Doncaster services, this was yet another one of those occasions.

On returning from the toilet, having engaged with several members of the public en route as is her wont, she did berate Billy Idle on allowing her to walk through the services with tomato soup smeared down her chin.  To which he claimed he hadn't noticed.

Finishing said soup, now cool enough to drink rather than spoon, Gobby made her loving husband gaze into her face (to check her for soup) before walking back to the car engaging with all and sundry as they went.

Imagine her surprise (feel free to substitute with other emotions of your own choosing) on checking her 'lippy' in the car mirror and finding an orange moustache up to her nostrils.

Imagine Billy's surprise when his response of, 'Actually you're covered in it!' was not that well received.

Chemistry

Gobby left Billy Idle with ONE JOB to do while she went away for ONE DAY.

He managed to sort himself out down the chemist but, as the assistant searched every shelf to no avail for her prescription, he suddenly recalled:

'Oh, tell a lie, she's not called that any more.  It's the same name as mine; I forgot I married her a year ago!"

To which the chemist replied,

'I won't tell her if you don't'!'

Morning Call

On watching the denouement of one of his favourite reality TV trash shows:

Billy Idle declared: 'That's the only reason I haven't won The Apprentice; it takes me that long to have a shit on a morning'.

Power to the Potato!

As Gobby came home after a 12 hour shift she wasn't best pleased to hear there had been a potato-related incident in the microwave.

So much so that, when Billy Idle suggested that maybe the best line of attack would be to 'let it all go hard then scrape it off', the look on her face alone must have been enough to spur him into cleaning action.

Her smug joy was short-lived however when Billy, scourer in hand declared, 'There's a lot more stuck on here than originated with my one potato'.

And her protestations of. 'I clean that regularly!' were further met with,

'Don't give me regularly; give me THOROUGHlY!'

Such assertions are ritualistically met by Gobby running away at speed yelling, 'TROPHY WIFE!!'

Relativity

On preparing themselves for a 'Come on England' game of rugby, Gobby was struggling to balance keeping warm and supporting the national team.

Billy Idle suggested she wore one of his England tops over the rest of her princess and the pea style layers but had to conclude, even with the additional underlay it was, 'A bit big'.

This would have been an acceptable end to the conversation.  Unfortunately it was followed by,

'Are you really that much smaller than me?!'

A) YES.

B )If only they had ever been to the rugby together before to prove this, should said proof actually be necessary when you live with said small person everyday...

It was, in fact a wonder, after the game, that he could actually recognise this wasn't her:

Morning has Broken

One autumn morning, as Gobby woke to the sound of rain beating on the bedroom window, she was surprised to hear Billy Idle's first words to her of:

'I know you've got loads of shopping to do today. If it keeps raining like this, don't go on your bike, wait until I get home and take the car.'

So much so she did have to wonder: 

'Who are you and what have you done with my husband??!! 😲'

She's Got the Power

As her mother made it unfailingly to yet another birthday, she referred to her arrangements regarding Power of ETERNITY.

And therein lies the sum of all Gobby's fears.

Body Talk

As, for many years, the only programmes Billy Idle (who apparently can't go to sleep 'without the telly', although many long-suffering victims of his snoring would disagree) and Gobby could agree to go to sleep to have all come from the gruesome spectrum of the Crime and Investigation channel, Gobby declared one night during some particularly disturbing mortuary footage:

'I wouldn't talk to your dead body."

Billy did see fit to point out,

'I wish you'd stop talking to the live one!'

Any Dream Will Do

Gobby could only wonder if, after enduring such a dream, any other husbands in the world would then choose to reveal:

'I had a dream last night that I'd shit myself'.

While musing the aforementioned, true disbelief kicked in on hearing the announcement,

'I was really glad I hadn't when I woke up!'

Clean Living

As Gobby returned home from shopping unpacking her overladen bicycle, she cursed to Billy Idle,

'The Jehovah's are coming and they've obviously seen me!'

Billy reassured her saying,

'Don't worry, they've been and I've told them we're not interested.'

Although, as usual, did spoil this statement of support by adding,

'Just tell them you're the cleaner. Oh, then again, they've been.  They'd never believe we've got one of those!'

Lord of the Rings

On seeing Spudgirl and Tubthumper's more than generous 'small' portion of  onion rings on returning to the table, Gobby somewhat rued the fact she had ordered a large portion all for herself.

However, never one to turn down food, should there be any spare no doubt they would soon become 'Tubthumper rings' and, as Spudgirl some what cryptically pointed out,

'And he does!'

Time Had Come

As Billy Idle finally bought a tasteful and practical watch all off his own bat, the time came to bid a sad farewell to the timepiece that had brought them so much joy and fun over the years.

Many an amusing conversation along the lines of,

'What's the date today?'
'17th.'
'What does your watch say it is?'
'8th.'
Oh, and what did it say it was yesterday?'
'23rd'

Sadly the £8.99 Lidl bargain fondly known as the RANDOMISER was to be no more.

Hiatus

Gobby suddenly realised that an inordinate amount of time had passed since the last update (admittedly without any perceivable activity in the Shire) due to a variety of reasons, some as below:

But that it was time to redress the balance.

Spoonerisms

Billy Idle and his team recently moved office at work but, seemingly, the team cutlery did not.

So what thrusting executive doesn't lay out his work paraphernalia the night before as below?



Which led to the particularly sarcastic husband-wife interchange one morning of late:

"Forgot your heart attack spray and your door pass this morning - what could possibly go wrong on arrival?"

"Don't worry - I spooned my way in!"

Billy Idle and the Passage of Fear

Amidst yet another healthy debate during an episode of their favourite quiz show of late, Only Connect, Gobby had to argue with Billy Idle that, despite his own traumatic schoolboy memories, the link for 'Dank Passage' was never going to be:

"Harry Potter and his bad experience at Catholic Magic School".

Lightning

Whilst Gobby acknowledged the huge strides made in Billy Idle's progress towards sustainability and renewable energy; indeed it was a far cry from the moment he flicked on their first energy-saving bulb in the bedroom many years ago and she could just make out his outline in the 5 minutes of semi-gloom by tracing the sound of the words:

"You can FUCK OFF!"

She did however have to now listen to the lament that they still weren't 'up to speed' by his explanation that, on getting up for an old man pee in the middle of the night, the fact that he could flick the switch and still reach the toilet before being able to see where he was going was not satisfactory as he:

"Shouldn't be able to move faster than the speed of light."