Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Topping it Off

As outrage possessed the population of Barton-upon-Humber, or those that actually cared one way or another, an action group was formed and leaflets distributed.

On learning the self-chosen acronym for said group, Gobby remembered a life and a time far far away where such a designation could be hugely witty and ironic.

However, after 15 years of living in the, Shire, she was well aware this could never be the case here.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

A (hardly!) Perfect Ten

As Gobby reflected, with a certain sense of disbelief on the longevity of her most unlikely of relationships with Billy Idle, she wasn't necessarily expecting the following exchange:

 'It's nearly 10 years. What will you be doing to make it special?'

'I'm leaving!'


Long overdue a competition, let's see if the Regulars can work out a 'Spot the Difference'.  As in when Gobby gets out of bed and airs it for the day or when that task falls to Billy Idle.




Surely never before has a coffee bean felt such disappointment..

Skin Deep

Having struggled to believe at the time, on viewing the said aisle in the Greatest Emporium on Earth, Gobby did concede the way in which her mother may have indeed confused hair conditioner with face cream.

Although nothing excused the fact that, despite finding the aforementioned 'a bit thick and sticky,' being from Yorkshire she had wasted nor wanted not until the bitter end effectively giving herself a full chemical peel in the process.

Take it Away

Gobby was fully aware of her restrictive nature in controlling Billy Idle's nutritional intake but felt this was counterbalanced by allowing him the odd treat if he had been a good boy.

So, it was quite a revelation to see how much such treats meant to him when she noticed the following on the dining table:


Having endured, as previously mentioned 10 years of Billy Idle's proclamation that, in his youth, he had women 'dripping off him', Gobby thought it somewhat vindictively amusing to call his bluff by finding a true likeness of the alleged 'irresistibility' of the time and parading it to Tubthumber and Spudgirl.

Very rarely does such a stunt backfire so spectacularly except on hearing the following:

'Yeah, and I've had everyone on that photo that's not actually one of my sisters'.


As Billy Idle checked he had sufficient nicotine mints to get him through the weekend, Gobby could see it would seem he was well-prepared for all the fun he anticipated having on a long-avoided visit to distant friends.


As previously documented, after watching innumerable series of Masterchef, Billy Idle considers his culinary talents to be up there with the best of them: 

Gobby was, during a recent episode, particularly disappointed as to the accrued level of learning over those years on witnessing him ask:

'So, what flavour is asparagus?'

Wednesday, 14 December 2016


It was an awful moment of realization when the joiner told Gobby, when she got a new kitchen, they wouldn't need to replace the old cooker hood (yes, the one she had stopped cleaning months ago in anticipation) after all.

No Direction

Working with so many people so much younger Gobby felt smugly proud that she was really holding her own 'down with the kids'.

Then she went to the staff toilets.


Some days Gobby had to pinch herself as you never knew what unsuspected excitement might be driving down the end of your road in the Shire.

The Small things in Life

After throwing the washing downstairs with typical carefree housewife adandon and setting the machine going, Gobby realised one item had escaped the load having velcroed itself to Billy Idle's jacket on the way down.

And not just any jacket but his work jacket at that.

Thus began the dilemma.  To gain the amusement of allowing Billy to walk into work accessorized with said undergarment to the ridicule of his work colleagues.

Offset by thus admitting to the world, as you can't turn back time, that her undergarments had reached such a hideous level of comfort over style, as only to be shamefully found in the small ads in People's Friend Magazine.

A true matter of moral and ethical judgment indeed.

Sunday, 30 October 2016


As the Regulars eagerly looked forward to their next outing to see the Briggadears they struggled down the Local to come up with the logistically 'best-fit' solution concluding that, with concerted effort, Gobby would be able to fit between Billy and Hamish with, "Your arse here and your legs up."

At which point she did like to remind them,

"It's not a smear test - we're only going to Brigg!"


The Regulars had a splendid time cheering on England to watch them snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  

Even the camera shy ones.


As the regulars showed their support to 'Save Top Field' Hamish added he was particularly against the development as his street would become a 'cut-through'.

At least the regulars were almost sure that he said 'cut-through', for:

"C***s with noisy exhausts".

Yet again, only slight coaching needed for what to and not to put in writing to the council.


What do you buy the human sloth who has everything?

In Billy Idle's case his very own ROBOT MAN-CAVE HOOVER!!

Although, whilst lazing in bed while 'Ronnie' got to work, as horizontal viewing was repeatedly  disrupted by THUMP - WHIR, THUMP - WHIR, THUMP - WHIR and Gobby concluding, "He's got stuck again." Billy Idle proclaimed'

"Brilliant - so we've got another pet!"

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Trick or... Trick

All was not lost at a particularly low-scoring effort at pub quiz as Billy Idle did claim a magnificent seasonal spot prize.

Gleefully he announced how he would enjoy eating them through the window on Halloween whilst not giving anything to the local kids out trick or treating.

Somewhat as below:

Sunday, 11 September 2016


Hard to believe another year had gone by as the Regulars eagerly lined up their entrants for Spudfest.

But, as directed they brought their produce to a 'secret' location:

Arranging them as directed by a particularly stern professional potato judge:

Although one or two entrants did slip through the net.  

And Billy Idle's knobs didn't bring him the success for which he was hoping. (Again).

It was also an opportunity to make new friends:

But friendship was soon tossed aside when, even harder to swallow than the array of potato-based snacks, was the news of who had won.  YET AGAIN!

If you need any more proof:

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

The Fountain of all Knowledge

Whilst failing to agree over taking in the true beauty and majesty of the Magic Fountains of Mont-Juic:

Or watching rugby league in Barcelona's filthiest Irish bar, Billy Idle attempted a compromise over the potential clash.

Suffice it to say,

"Why don't I lie in the bath, piss straight up in the air while you turn the lights on and off?" didn't quite hit Gobby's tourist highlight spot.

Although she did have to admit, it was a good game!

Monday, 13 June 2016


Whilst usually a pleasurable night out, Billy Idle was terrified not only to see the mighty Wigan Warriors resort to the unfair advantage of fielding giants, but moreover as one first took a tentative exploratory lick then attempted to bite off his head.

Unperturbed Gobby completed her 'sun salutation' she deemed fully appropriate relaxation in the circumstances.


As well-known by the Regulars and a much broader entourage, Gobby was never the best when it came to arithmetic.

However, on this occasion, she refused to believe it was her lack of ability at fault:

Saving your Bacon

All the Regulars were touched to see the efforts Billy idle had gone to in his charity work.


Gobby was somewhat perturbed one morning on waking to find a giant cockchafer on her potatoes. 

Thursday, 19 May 2016


On discovering the mecca that is Lidl was stocking one of her FAVOURITE beers EVER: Leeds Midnight Bell, 

Gobby did have to admit that the unexpected pressure this excitement put on a middle-aged bladder did cause her to become briefly but disturbingly 'moist in the aisle'.


A different view of The Local.

This must be the one you get from Liverpool.

Trailing Off

Having put it off for as long as justifiably possible, Gobby knew, at some juncture, she would have to bite the bullet and spend a night in Bernie Ecclestone's trailer.

At times like this she chose to look for solace and inspiration in the works of the great lyricist and philosopher that is Otis Lee Crenshaw: 

And before anyone dare think that is far too removed from life in the Shire - look no further!

Friday, 29 April 2016

Ding Dong

On arriving home, when Billy Idle chose, rather than to open the door with his key and enter their abode in an adult fashion, to ring the doorbell repeatedly in a frenzied manner until Gobby dropped what she was doing and rushed to admit him, she did remark,

"Why would I not get away with being that annoying?" 

And was not entirely placated wit the curt reply of:

"Because, with me, it's unusual."


Gobby, Billy Idle and Rupert exchanged evilly knowing glances as their plans for world domination came one step closer...

Hunter Gatherer

Gobby should not have exercised any concern over Billy Idle's abilities to survive when she returned home much later than expected one evening.

It was, in fact, good to see that the innate 'Hunter-Gatherer' instincts had kicked in.