Nuts

It was a somewhat surreal quiz night down the Local, and the Regulars could only muse as to what might have occurred during the proceedings compelling Gobby to declare loudly at an unfortunately quiet lull in the proceedings:

"I've still got a lid on my nipple!"

Much to the amusement of the local undercover CID, often found staking out a corner of the Local with a quiz sheet.

However, she managed to salvage the situation and restore an air of calm and decorum with the addendum:

"At least you didn't try to shove novelty snakes up me."

And all returned to that degree of stability and normality peculiar only to the Local itself.





Should anyone still be confused, needless to say, the Frogs with Red Scarves, those unfailingly and relentlessly jovial resident scousers, using an underhand bid to gain an advantage over their quiz rivals, had offered Gobby some nuts:

Steaming

As a keen group of Regulars set off for a Saturday's incomparable beery fun Gobby realised, all too late, that she was somewhat short of pecuniary funds and some emergency measures needed to be brought into play.

Although she was slightly disappointed and unable to comprehend why her endeavours raised only a measly 20p.












"Spare some change for a beer!"












On arriving at the station Tubthumper became very excited at the prospect of being able to sit on Santa's knee,








However, as it was only October the Regulars were dubious as to this but, in an effort to assuage his disappointment, Gobby may have given Tubthumper more to chew over than he bargained for when, on seeing the Station Master, encouragingly pointed out:

"He looks as if he could pull off a Santa."


Meanwhile, a somewhat disgruntled Spudgirl reluctantly obeyed the station signage, trudging off so as not to taint the air:












Unlike a single other member of the public and whilst the rest of the Regulars waited for her on the platform enveloped in a blanket of steam and smoke.




After much beer and pies and steam power the Regulars were in need of their relief on arriving at their destination, although were somewhat taken aback by the basic nature of the facilities:

























They were also somewhat underprepared for the popularity of the venue and the beer queues although felt that Billy Idle has somewhat misunderstood the ethos of the event when he declared:

"There would be a lot more room if they got rid of these trains..."












All too soon it was time to make tracks for the Local. Although, admittedly there was a point where the Regulars thought they might not make it safely home when, whilst having safely boarded the train at Leeds and on the way to Doncaster, Gobby, somewhat the worse for beer declared,

"It's not far to Leeds on this one."

However they were soon back safely in the fold of the Local after a whole day on the beer, ready to regale the rest of the Regulars with their experiences and photos whether they appreciated this or not.

Food for Thought

Down the Local at the weekend Billy Idle was understandably outspoken in his reaction to finding a dead fly in his pint.

Not nearly as much as Ol' Blue Eyes, however, who declared,

"I thought they'd stopped doing food!"

Care in the Community

Whilst discussing their homelife down the Local, the Regulars marvelled as Billy Idle could almost be seen to pay Gobby a compliment in her dealings with his (many) daily needs.

Although she was not entirely sure whether to be flattered by the comment,


"It's a fine line between girlfriend and carer, but you're quite good at both!"

Short (wing)span of Attention

Gobby was made to realise all too well that a lack of focus down the Local could lead to a serious inability to follow the intricacies of the conversation in hand.

She soon came to rue a momentary failure to concentrate as the Regulars debated the Pirates of the Caribbean and the fact that Johnny Depp was reported to have based the character of Captain Jack Sparrow on Keith Richards.

In all truthfulness she wholly wished she could have retracted her interjection of,






"Is that him with Orville?!"

Not So Light Reading

It would seem that after their well-publicised exploits, the little Rupies' big burley Northern Cousins felt the need to join in the debate and point out how close they had come to never returning home again.





















Either that or Evil Twin, one of Barton Lives' most dedicated fans, will stop at nothing to advertise her husband's latest book.

"priced at £12.99 and available from Waterstones, WHSmith, Amazon, Tesco online etc etc etc......."

Gobby felt, after such blatant advertising, that all proceeds from sales in North Lincolnshire should be put towards the 'Save the Local' fund!

Trim

Whilst chatting online with chums not fortunate enough to live within the Shire, one of these enquired as to whether Billy Idle had been making good use of his waist-trimming exercise gift bequeathed to him on her last visit.







Billy replied that, with his pressing schedule, he only been able to make occasional use of said item as he had,



"Been busy being fat".

Stunning

After much discussion, and with reluctance, the Regulars felt they had no other option but to gently break it to Gobby that her favourite pastime of Beer Festivals may not necessarily be her best look:

Advance Party (no, don't get excited...)

Still unsure as to what to expect as the ongoing saga of the Local continued the Regulars decided to send a scout ahead on a reconnaissance mission before braving the beer, should there be any.

After some discussion they decided to send one of their more intrepid and well travelled number, capable of handling such a task:

A Dangerous Combination

Not always brimming over with the milk of human kindness and generosity, Hamish, on this occasion, felt the need to perform his civic duty for the good of one of the Regulars:

"There I was sitting reading the paper on a well earned, few and far between tea break, when an article of grave concern caught my eye.

I felt it was my loyal duty to pass this on to a dear friend of mine, nay, ours.

I summarise:

Scientists have discovered (how and why I'm not sure,) that if males consume excessive amounts of peanuts and coffee, they grow BREASTS.

So that's where they come from! And I thought it was from lack of excercise, fatty foods and beer.

Regards, Hamish."

How long would it take the Regulars to deduce as to whom Hamish was alluding?

Would they indeed need a clue?

All Change

As the Regulars steel themselves once more for yet another rite of passage down the Local they will endeavour to be supportive and understanding with their metaphorical glasses half full.

Notwithstanding, the fact that the new barman was clueless as to how to extract vodka from the optics soon made them wonder as to how soon those glasses would empty.

Essex Girls

The Regulars were rather taken aback by the audacity and recklessness of Tubthumper as he sent round some humorous "Essex Girls" jokes along the lines of:

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her.
'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl,
'There's hundreds of them!'

Never having witnessed such bravery in the face of his better half they were not sure that his paltry small print disclaimer would be enough to appease Spudgirl on receipt of the aforementioned:

"Please be careful of any comments you wish to make. Need I remind you my lovely wife is from Essex?

However, before such a display of manhood was blown out of all proportion and the testosterone-fuelled slaps on the back down the Local became unbearable, Gobby also paid heed to the small print and felt the need to set the record straight:

"In reality, you are clearly so scared of said lovely Essex girl wife that you are still using her old email rather than her new one of some months previous so that she does not actually pick up on big brave boy email whilst we are duped into thinking you could ever be that daring!"

Enlightening

On returning home alone to a street plunged into darkness Gobby contacted the Regulars to ascertain the extent of the problem, crucially as to whether the Local had a source of power for the imminent Pub Quiz.

Spudgirl confirmed that they too were without light although had surmised it was merely due to Billy Idle returning home and turning all his appliances on simultaneously thus blowing Barton's entire grid supply.

Gobby iterated that she was home alone to which Spudgirl showed genuine concern for her safety and welfare and urged her to join them and share a candle and for safety in numbers.

Heartened by Spudgirl's apprehension Gobby promised to do so forthwith but explained she had no option but to risk having a bath in the pitch blackness beforehand.

It was at this juncture that Gobby became somewhat less appreciative of Spudgirl's concern and, when asked,

"Do you have enough torches?"

Did feel the need to defend herself with the reply,

"How fat do you think I am?!"