All Forms of Life

As the Regulars discussed the winter wildlife they had been feeding and observing during the cold spell; from winter birds to foxes and the inevitable rat; they did their best to include the contribution from a particularly well-oiled Robbin' Get and Immelda who had misinterpreted (or, as a colleague of Gobby's whom she had tried and failed to train in the art of proof-reading would aptly say, 'miss interrupted') the conversation declaring:


"We had jacket potatoes the other night."

The Regulars nodded in agreement confirming these could be,


"A real menace."

Getting Ahead

As Gobby tried to rein in her frustrations due to Billy Idle's stubborn refusal to follow any sage advice or guidance offered to him (remember the bold claim of "HEART ATTACKS AREN'T BAD FOR YOU in a Moving Experience) she struggled to contain her annoyance when, after refusing to don a woolly hat on the way to the Local, presumably in a bid to keep his handful of remaining hair in order,  a mere hundred yards or so after leaving the house he began to suffer from the cold.

Unable to hold back the tide any longer Gobby let loose her mighty tongue which must have confounded Billy somewhat as, in his desperate attempt to stake any claim on the argument he exclaimed,



"I don't need a head!"

Preapostropherous

As the Regulars lamented the ever-declining standards in society, after some contemplation, even Jordan of her own admission not put on this earth to proofread, knew something was amiss when Billy Idle declared,



"And they've taken the apostrophe out of Waitrose now."

Spreading the Love

Even though the Regulars were well aware how much Spudgirl adored her job and relished every task she was given therein; even they were impressed by the effort she had made to make sure her dream industry made it through the recession.

Comfort Zone

With a new year upon the Shire it seemed only right that Billy Idle should re-embrace his many alter egos (remember Studyboy and Supershag,  The Hermit and England Clown amongst others) adding a new incarnation.

In an effort to improve his post-work wind down, comfort, relaxation and karma Billy considered yoga, Tai Chi, meditation, spiritual healing but eventually settled on becoming:







CAPTAIN SWEATPANTS

Who, disturbingly, was already well-known to several of the Regulars.

Prospecting

As Gobby prepared to move on to pastures new and a new challenge she tested Billy's water one last time in a final shot at becoming a lady of leisure to which she was succinctly informed,

"You either get a job or become my personal slave."

An declaration that made Gobby realise this would be,

"Just like normal but without a job, then."

Which put a whole new slant on her future intentions.

Moments to Treasure

As the Regulars contemplated a new year exercise regime during trips to the bar down the Local they noticed one of their number to have become particularly portly over the festive season.

Looking down at what had gone decidedly south he lamented,

"That used to be my chest."

To which Billy Idle added,

"You'd get some treasure in there!"

The Hole Truth

Tubthumper, renowned for being incomparably bashful when it comes to any matters involving 'down there' was horrified when, out of the blue, Spudgirl turned to him and enquired:


"Have you seen the hole in Gobby's arse?"


It was all they could do, whilst wafting him with anything that came to hand, to hastily explain the said reference merely involved a pruning incident and the seat of a pair of gardening trousers to bring both him and his blood pressure back to somewhere within the stratosphere.

N.B. Should anyone even dare to insinuate that being my actual petite well-formed derrière I will show you what I can really achieve with my loppers, believe me.