As the Regulars entered deep into technological discussion it became disappointingly apparent that Hamish, aka Technomuppet (see Barton Lives episodes: The Fax is the Future, Technomuppet and Stuck among others) was still failing to progress through the digital age as he declared:
"I can't even get my computer to turn on at the moment. I've tried licking it and everything."
Not much improvement with the Tourette's either, then.
Sunday 19 July 2009
Swine
As Jordan deluged the Regulars with a violent bout of sneezing down the Local, Tattoo exclaimed that he hoped she wasn't exposing them to swine flu.
To which, in an unprecedentedly successful act of duplicity commanding his undivided attention the following dialogue between Gabby & Tattoo ensued:
"My friend was concerned she was infected and called the NHS helpline but could get through."
"That doesn't surprise me."
"Absolutely, all she got was crackling!"
To which, in an unprecedentedly successful act of duplicity commanding his undivided attention the following dialogue between Gabby & Tattoo ensued:
"My friend was concerned she was infected and called the NHS helpline but could get through."
"That doesn't surprise me."
"Absolutely, all she got was crackling!"
Know your Place
As the Regulars sympathised with Jordan over her stairs-inflicted injuries Billy Idle took a dim view of the whole incident declaring,
"There aren't any stairs in the kitchen.
If you'd have stayed where you meant to be none of this would have happened."
"There aren't any stairs in the kitchen.
If you'd have stayed where you meant to be none of this would have happened."
I am the Law
Overflowing with his usual chauvinisitic smugness, Robbin' Get was all set to pour scorn on womankind once more when, to the delight of all womankind present he declared,
"I am obviously in charge in my house; I know exactly when to do as I'm told!"
"I am obviously in charge in my house; I know exactly when to do as I'm told!"
A Blessing
On happening upon the following, the Regulars marvelled at the inexhaustible array of facilities and services available to them in the teeming metropolis of Barton:
Keen to take advantage of such an opportunity Ol' Blue Eyes said he had taken his betting slips along and got 3 winners.
Keen to take advantage of such an opportunity Ol' Blue Eyes said he had taken his betting slips along and got 3 winners.
Sunday 5 July 2009
Message from Planet Gonad
It would seem that the recent extra-terrestial activity in the Shire had not gone unnoticed:
Message From Planet Gonad Located In The Nether Regions
I must contact you Earth Beings to stop your endless speculation about UFO's.
Firstly, Of course they exist. Unlike your Earth grown Giant Pumpkins.
How else do you Earth Beings think we get to your planet to buzz your towns and scare you.
Secondly, You Earth Beings seem to have no taste.
While on a wasted mission to search for and abduct virgins from your town, I had to find fuel for my saucer. This is a liquid compound made from fermented organic material.
My onboard scanner tracked a large source of potential fuel which was in a place which you call a pub.
Our normal method of re-fuelling on an alien planet is to take on an appearance of the indigenous species and recover as large a quantity as can be transported back.
This is simply done by pouring as much as possible down our speaking port and then returning to the saucer.
The saucer is fuelled by inserting our drainage proboscis into the fuel cell and allowing the fuel to flow out.
You do not have saucer technology but seem to have a passion for practicing this re-fuelling technique.
Although you do manage to fill yourselves with fuel you then go on to waste it by emptying yourselves down a ceramic drainage system.
You also suffer from serious personal navigational problems after this exercise and some of you even experience a fuel “blow-back” which makes such a mess.
So, can you all please stop pointing and shouting when you see my saucer around your pub.
I am simply trying to get tanked up.
Blotto The Alien
The Truth is Out There
The Dark Lord saw fit to use his supernatural powers to explain a recently observed phenomenon:
This may clarify a current thread on Barton Lives.
On Saturday we made one of our rare excursions out to the Sheaf and had a really good time - apart from the aliens who were busy getting "tanked up" at the bar. I was sorry not to see you there.
On speaking to Steve (AKA Tattoo) the conversation drifted to his Alien Encounter of recent times.
I asked him to describe what he saw and he related:
"I saw a glowing orange ball in the sky as I walked towards the Wheatsheaf."
I asked him if he was near the Market Place zebra crossing at the time but I can't print his response.
At his height things can be confusing: Please remember, he was once a lumberjack for Chesswood Mushrooms.
The Dark Lord
(The Only Goth in the Village)
This may clarify a current thread on Barton Lives.
On Saturday we made one of our rare excursions out to the Sheaf and had a really good time - apart from the aliens who were busy getting "tanked up" at the bar. I was sorry not to see you there.
On speaking to Steve (AKA Tattoo) the conversation drifted to his Alien Encounter of recent times.
I asked him to describe what he saw and he related:
"I saw a glowing orange ball in the sky as I walked towards the Wheatsheaf."
I asked him if he was near the Market Place zebra crossing at the time but I can't print his response.
At his height things can be confusing: Please remember, he was once a lumberjack for Chesswood Mushrooms.
The Dark Lord
(The Only Goth in the Village)
Charity Bike Ride
Pursuing his new-found fitness regime and charitable nature in transporting and accompanying Gobby on a cycling outing, the Regulars were only to keen to support Hamish as he took this one step further:
Dear All
I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride on 27th July 2009 to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. My friend has a 6 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.
Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.
While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.
The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy technique to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.
Just £0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. £1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to help such a deserving cause.
Attached is a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have been put to good use.I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride on 27th July 2009 to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. My friend has a 6 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.
Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.
While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.
The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy technique to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.
Just £0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. £1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to help such a deserving cause.
Blooming
Excitement mounted as Billy Idle & Gobby's pumpkins delivered their first flower:
Then the torturous wait and potside vigil ensued for a female to come into flower at the same time.
Meanwhile, the Regulars took some malevolent glee in the fact that round the corner Spudgirl and Tubthumper's miraculous 19 reserve plants were affording them an inordinate amount of work, Fake Tim killed all but one of his late entries into the race with the over-zealous use of a Bug Gun, Tattoo ceremoniously planted his out down the Zone (complete with moats as he was sure he had heard some where he could claim back for these on his expenses) and informed Dr Emma that her efforts really had outgrown the windowsill and immediate action was required.
However, whilst Gobby did believe the above photo to be genuine she was less convinced by Tattoo's latest photo he sent her of the Zone:
Then the torturous wait and potside vigil ensued for a female to come into flower at the same time.
Meanwhile, the Regulars took some malevolent glee in the fact that round the corner Spudgirl and Tubthumper's miraculous 19 reserve plants were affording them an inordinate amount of work, Fake Tim killed all but one of his late entries into the race with the over-zealous use of a Bug Gun, Tattoo ceremoniously planted his out down the Zone (complete with moats as he was sure he had heard some where he could claim back for these on his expenses) and informed Dr Emma that her efforts really had outgrown the windowsill and immediate action was required.
However, whilst Gobby did believe the above photo to be genuine she was less convinced by Tattoo's latest photo he sent her of the Zone:
Meals on Wheels
After a month of unfailing dedication and care tending to Billy Idle's every need forsaking any of her own, Gobby's hangover subsequent to the impromptu session, was so all-consuming she felt an overbearing urge to,
"Block out the whole heart attack incident and aftercare and attempt to force Billy to take up driving again for the first time to fetch them a heart attack in a tray breakfast from Mr Gee's."
Fortunately Spudgirl and Tubthumper intervened in the proceedings potentially saving both Billy and Gobby's lives by making the aforementioned journey themselves and delivering them 'Meals on Wheels'.
"Block out the whole heart attack incident and aftercare and attempt to force Billy to take up driving again for the first time to fetch them a heart attack in a tray breakfast from Mr Gee's."
Fortunately Spudgirl and Tubthumper intervened in the proceedings potentially saving both Billy and Gobby's lives by making the aforementioned journey themselves and delivering them 'Meals on Wheels'.
Saturday 4 July 2009
Kill or Cure
As a therapeutic teatime drink interspersed with his walking regime mysteriously turned into an all-night session, the Regulars were wholeheartedly delighted to see that Billy Idle had no problems surviving a night down the pub once more.
Significantly less compassion was extended to the fact that said session practically killed Gobby.
Significantly less compassion was extended to the fact that said session practically killed Gobby.
Water Water Everywhere...
Always attentive to duty and not to mention the degree of guilt Gobby felt about having unreservedly forced the Regulars into full-blown horticulture consuming their every last minute and penny it was the very least she could do to water the Zone as instructed during Jordan and Tattoo's visit to Dr Emma.
The responsibility preyed on her mind lest she should forget during the heat wave, the thought of Tattoo returning to a withered plot being too awful to contemplate not to mention the additional responsibility of also having to water their vacationing neighbour's garden. So much so that she could hardly concentrate at work and raced home as fast as her already heavily endorsed license would allow to fulfil her duty.
Much hard hosing later and soaked to the skin Gobby proudly viewed her hard work and sent a text to Tattoo as she departed:
"Have watered garden. Hope you are having a good time."
She was somewhat surprised but delighted to receive an almost immediate reply. Until she actually read it that was:
"Having a fantastic time in Barton. Do not go until next week. Thanks so much, was just about to start. What a star!"
As Gobby struggled to comprehend the reality of this message Tattoo added,
"Jordan was in the front room watching telly the whole time. Not much good for security."
Gobby's one saving grace was that at least the neighbours truly were away so her only crime was stupidity and not actual trespass or vandalism.
The responsibility preyed on her mind lest she should forget during the heat wave, the thought of Tattoo returning to a withered plot being too awful to contemplate not to mention the additional responsibility of also having to water their vacationing neighbour's garden. So much so that she could hardly concentrate at work and raced home as fast as her already heavily endorsed license would allow to fulfil her duty.
Much hard hosing later and soaked to the skin Gobby proudly viewed her hard work and sent a text to Tattoo as she departed:
"Have watered garden. Hope you are having a good time."
She was somewhat surprised but delighted to receive an almost immediate reply. Until she actually read it that was:
"Having a fantastic time in Barton. Do not go until next week. Thanks so much, was just about to start. What a star!"
As Gobby struggled to comprehend the reality of this message Tattoo added,
"Jordan was in the front room watching telly the whole time. Not much good for security."
Gobby's one saving grace was that at least the neighbours truly were away so her only crime was stupidity and not actual trespass or vandalism.
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